New here...just don't want to feel alone anymore

Old 03-11-2017, 04:36 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2017
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You are certainly not alone. I can relate to everything you said. I am also new to this forum (joined this week to post about my current situation). Your words really resonate with me, from the anxiety you experience walking up to the door, to the disappointment and frustration at seeing them already drunk. I have been so scared to come home when he has been alone, and also scared to leave him alone. Recently, I stopped making plans with friends for fear that he would be home alone and go to the nearby store and buy alcohol. He is extremely abusive when drunk, often threatens to divorce me, and often leaves to get a hotel room for the night.

My AH and I are both in our late 20s. We've been together 4 years and married for less than 1 year. My AH started drinking alone and becoming very verbally abusive 2 months before the wedding. He adamantly denied he was drinking. I went through with the wedding and he kept drinking and got even more verbally abusive, all the while denying the drinking. He finally came clean about it in October. He had a stint in rehab and relapsed, then had another realization and relapsed again. He blames me for the drinking.

Have you considered telling your family? I was afraid to tell mine, but they ended up being very supportive and understanding. I now talk to them every day about it and it helps. Only my parents, aunt, and a couple of close friends know, but it helps. Going through it alone is so difficult. Have you also considered therapy? I have been seeing a therapist for about a year and it has been helpful. I also recently told AH's parents about his drinking. His uncontrollable rage, coupled with his vague suicidal statements, left me terrified. I had to tell his parents. They seemed supportive at first, but bailed on actually helping him. AH is currently sober, but only becsuse I make sure to be with him 24/7 outside of work. This is the third time he has vowed to stay sober, but I somehow do not believe him.

I am also going to start regularly going to al-anon (I have only been to 2 meetings). If things with my AH are not better by August/September, I am walking away.

We deserve more than this. It is a very lonely life.
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Old 03-11-2017, 05:13 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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It is so nice to finally not feel like I am alone! It also makes me sad to realize that there are so many of us! Hugs and good vibes to all of you.

I know I won't tell my family. Maybe his though. But to be honest they are the type to ignore and hope it goes away. As for friends well besides the two close ones who think he quit I really don't have many close enough to talk to. I realized I kinda pushed everyone away. I can't blame him for that totally though.

Someone asked about why I count how many he has had...I think I feel better knowing how many he has had so I can try to judge how he'll act. If he is in the angry and fighting stage He blames me for most of what is wrong on our lives. He isn't always angry and wanting to fight but I feel like the potential is there. I also count so I know how much is left for him to drink the next day. He doesn't drink and drive so if he is out he isn't getting more.
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Old 03-11-2017, 05:39 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,644 of the words used to describe alcoholism is "isolating". Not just for t he alcoholic....but for the family, also. The family members or the loved one becomes affected by the alcoholism just as the alcoholic is.....

I hope that you will stay around and continue to read the many other real life stories, on this forum....there are thousands.....
There is a wealth of information and experience in the "stickies"..located just above the threads, on the front page....Especially, the articles in the one called "classic readings"......
there is so much to much to learn....
Knowledge is power....
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Old 03-11-2017, 05:59 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Ddl- i agree!
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Old 03-11-2017, 07:15 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I know I won't tell my family. Maybe his though. But to be honest they are the type to ignore and hope it goes away.
Kind of like what you are doing! As they say we are only as sick as our secrets!!

His addiction has not only consumed him it's consumed you as well. Your entire life revolves around drinking, counting bottles, making predictions, lying and covering up consumption, etc.

He's gone to therapy to appease your efforts in getting him to stop drinking, and that hasn't worked very well has it?

Have you thought about therapy for you? What about al-anon?

If you keep doing what you've always done your going to keep getting the same results. Or as it's said " Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results".

How about instead of getting off the bus and counting steps of dread to your front door, you go for therapy, counseling, an al-anon meeting, go for a walk first, take a class, get a part time job, make a different choice then to go directly home and get consumed by his addiction.
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Old 03-11-2017, 01:02 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Scared wife,
I agree with ataloose. I am not sure when it became the wife's job to baby sit an adult man. I am sorry, but if he wants to drink, if you are there or not, he will drink. Being with your addict 24/7 is not fun, what do you do when you go to the bathroom? That 5 minutes it take you he can do multiple shots by then. They will hide the smell with gum, candy or garlic, who knows what he will use to cover up their breath, and who cares. Addicts are con artists and will do anything to protect their addiction.

We all have to remember recovery is about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Its not just about putting away the alcohol. Go up to the top of this page and search a dry drunk, hes not drinking but is still angry, abusive and all the other traits our addicts have.

Lets try and treat our addicts with respect and dignity. If they choose to drink get out of their way. You also have choices in life. You don't need to be around a drunk. Leave the room, house or town. This is what we learn in alanon about setting up boundaries for us. We don't need to tell them that we will not be around it, we just need to show them. Pack your bag and leave the home. Come back when he is sober. You do not have to partake in his circus.

Hang in there ladies, there is so much to learn on this forum.
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Old 03-12-2017, 12:26 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by itsmepoppy View Post
You are not alone and it's almost frightening how much I can relate to what you wrote. Eating dinner alone, figuring out when he'll pass out, knowing what's going on as soon as you walk through the door, taking inventory. That's been my day to day and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it too. It's a hard way to live. You're not alone and you have support here.
Yup, same here, dreading the drive home from work not knowing what Ill find.
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Old 03-13-2017, 07:28 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Oh honey, you're not alone! I know it feels that way, but we're all here for similar reasons. Our loved ones are alcoholics, it sucks. BUT I'm here for you, along with the rest of the lovely people who posted here. Keep posting, go to al-anon, focus on your recovery and I promise you won't feel as alone <3
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Old 03-13-2017, 08:46 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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I was married to an alcoholic for a long time.

I remember leaving work with my smiling coworkers, happy the day was over, heading to our separate vehicles. I'd get into my jeep, and as soon as I knew no one could see me the dam would break and I'd start bawling because I had to go home. I'd get myself under control enough to be able to drive, but I would still cry all the way home.... dreading he would be there, and at the same time, scared he wouldn't be. Both scenarios caused me so much anxiety.

I am sorry that you are living through this hell. It hurts my heart knowing you are having all those dreadful feeling I used to endure.

I hope you find a way to live a happier life than what you are trudging through now.

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Old 03-13-2017, 08:51 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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How r u NSB?
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