One Year Ago
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
One Year Ago
One year ago this week my xAbf's alcoholism became known to me. He holed up in his parents' basement (they were in Florida) and drank for a week. I was flabbergasted and had no idea what was going on. I naively tried to help. It was something I had never seen or dealt with before. It was a hellish week and one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.
I held on for another 8 months, and we did have some good times in there. But in between the good times I "paid" for the fun with anxiety over whether or not he was going to drink, whether or not I could trust him to not make an ass of himself around my family and friends, whether or not I was going to wake up to texts full of gibberish, and listening to his inane rambling.
I was so scared in November, at age 34 (nearly 35) to call it quits. Part of me wondered if I would ever find anyone else. I want kids but I could not imagine having kids with my xAbf anymore.
All year (before breaking up with xAbf) I was dreading this week in March - hoping that he would not fall down the rabbit hole again. I'm happy to report that I am so much happier, fulfilled and anxiety-free than I thought, months and months ago, I could possibly be during this first week or so of March.
In the last 4 months I have started training for my 30K race (it's in 17 days!!) - and am now considering a marathon for the Fall, taken up improv classes (soooo much fun - I highly recommend it to anyone), re-connected with friends and family, had successes and recognition with my Weight Watchers journey and have been dating a guy (for abouth 2 months) who in no way makes me anxious or concerned. He is steady, reliable, intelligent, sexy as hell, health and family oriented, makes me laugh, is supportive of my health and fitness goals, has a solid and responsible job (he's an armoured truck driver) and is excited to introduce me to his family and friends (and to meet mine). I have met almost his entire family (his grandma passed recently and he wanted me to attend the funeral) and he will meet my parents next weekend.
He even goes to the dentist and doctor without anyone telling him to! This sounds so silly and small but my xAbf never went to the dentist (ew) and didn't bother looking after his own health, which really bothered me.
It's nearly springtime and considering how last summer/fall I was really scared about this month, I am so so grateful that I extricated myself from that situation. I cannot wait for spring to arrive.
I still like to come on here even though I am out of my previous situation. I find strength in the postings of others and learn a lot about healthy relationships.
I held on for another 8 months, and we did have some good times in there. But in between the good times I "paid" for the fun with anxiety over whether or not he was going to drink, whether or not I could trust him to not make an ass of himself around my family and friends, whether or not I was going to wake up to texts full of gibberish, and listening to his inane rambling.
I was so scared in November, at age 34 (nearly 35) to call it quits. Part of me wondered if I would ever find anyone else. I want kids but I could not imagine having kids with my xAbf anymore.
All year (before breaking up with xAbf) I was dreading this week in March - hoping that he would not fall down the rabbit hole again. I'm happy to report that I am so much happier, fulfilled and anxiety-free than I thought, months and months ago, I could possibly be during this first week or so of March.
In the last 4 months I have started training for my 30K race (it's in 17 days!!) - and am now considering a marathon for the Fall, taken up improv classes (soooo much fun - I highly recommend it to anyone), re-connected with friends and family, had successes and recognition with my Weight Watchers journey and have been dating a guy (for abouth 2 months) who in no way makes me anxious or concerned. He is steady, reliable, intelligent, sexy as hell, health and family oriented, makes me laugh, is supportive of my health and fitness goals, has a solid and responsible job (he's an armoured truck driver) and is excited to introduce me to his family and friends (and to meet mine). I have met almost his entire family (his grandma passed recently and he wanted me to attend the funeral) and he will meet my parents next weekend.
He even goes to the dentist and doctor without anyone telling him to! This sounds so silly and small but my xAbf never went to the dentist (ew) and didn't bother looking after his own health, which really bothered me.It's nearly springtime and considering how last summer/fall I was really scared about this month, I am so so grateful that I extricated myself from that situation. I cannot wait for spring to arrive.
I still like to come on here even though I am out of my previous situation. I find strength in the postings of others and learn a lot about healthy relationships.
Last edited by GreenEyes02; 03-09-2017 at 05:48 AM. Reason: typo
I could see peace instead of this
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Canada, eh
Posts: 2,360
Thank you for sharing this and way to go! I'm happy for you!
I found out through my own experience that these are the kinds of things that can happen for us when we are willing to let go. It opens up new possibilities.
I found out through my own experience that these are the kinds of things that can happen for us when we are willing to let go. It opens up new possibilities.
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Madbird 
Thank you for sharing this and way to go! I'm happy for you!
I found out through my own experience that these are the kinds of things that can happen for us when we are willing to let go. It opens up new possibilities.
I found out through my own experience that these are the kinds of things that can happen for us when we are willing to let go. It opens up new possibilities.
But being single for so long, and working on myself (weight loss, running, hobbies, having strong family and friend connections) really helped me because I know myself very well and eventually I was able to pull myself out of a bad situation. Even though I was fearful about whether or not I would meet someone, I knew I would be fine on my own if that is what ended up happening - after all I was fine and happy on my own for a long time before xAbf appeared in my life. Although I do think the reason I held onto him for so long was in part because I had been single for awhile before him.
I was/am open to new possibilities. I jumped into improv about 2 weeks after breaking up with xAbf specifically because being on stage is something that really scared me. It has opened up a different side of me.
I am in Canada too!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
GreenEyes....I an so glad that you cam back and posted!! I know that l ots of people who are struggling....and the many, many people who read this forum can find inspiration from your journey!!
There IS life after the madness...lol.....
There IS life after the madness...lol.....
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by dandylion
There IS life after the madness...lol.....
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Thanks for the update, GreenEyes--it sounds like you've got a LOT going for you, and I'm so glad you took the time to come back and tell us about it.
Wishing you all the best, and hoping that race goes well for you!
Wishing you all the best, and hoping that race goes well for you!
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Seeker21
Thank you so much for sharing. Your post had the exact intended effect for me! I'm 9 months post break up and it's so great to hear that things get better. Exactly what I needed to hear!!!
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Join Date: May 2016
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Hello again!
This past weekend was the 1 year anniversary of me breaking up with my xAbf. It crossed my mind briefly but only a little bit because I was too busy at a birthday party for a friend and then going to Medieval Times with my SO (let's call him MrGreenEyes) and his family (so much fun).
It is amazing to me how completely my life has changed in these past 52 weeks vs the 16 months I spent in a "relationship" (what I look back on now as a learning experience but not really a relationship) with my xAbf. I am truly the happiest I have ever been. I completed my first marathon about 4 weeks ago and I am training again for another 30K race. My health and fitness goals are going along nicely, work is busy and best of all I am a complete smitten kitten with MrGreenEyes. This relationship is so much more healthy. It adds to my life, rather than subtracting from it.
So I have been out of town in meetings for work the last 2 days. Yesterday we had a guest speaker who looked so much like my xAbf (except 25 years older). It was spooky. At dinner last night it came up That 2 of my colleagues had alcoholic fathers (I know, deep and personal discussion for a business dinner). Actually one of my coworkers started describing some of her father's behaviour and I wondered if he was an alcoholic before she even said he was. I ended up sharing a bit of what I have learned from dating an A and also from this wonderful site. I still lurk here quite a bit because I learn a lot!
So then last night I had the most awful nightmare. I was back in a relationship with my xAbf (but he looked like a guy I went on 2 dates with who was ok but we didn't end up hitting it off). In this dream A and I were in a more serious relationship. We had combined finances and owned a truck together. In the dream I wanted to break up but he kept manipulating me, lying to me and gaslighting me (similar to real life). I was terrified, felt trapped and so upset and sad. It must have been a somewhat lucid dream though because I was able to reassure myself that it was not reality and that MrGreenEyes was my reality.
Not that I needed it, but it 1000% reconfirmed that my choice to end it with xAbf and go no contact was completely the right decision for my life, health and sanity.
Looking back after a full year away from him....I can see how messed up it was. It was less a relationship than a hostage situation. He was always the victim. He could never take responsibility for any of the problems in his life. Everyone was out to get him. "No one" liked him. He was paranoid and sometimes delusional. He was an expert in quacking and magical thinking. He would just spin these elaborate tales about how amazing life would be....but never take any action to bring this amazing life to fruition. He told me early that he was a very accomplished liar. I should have listened to him. He blamed his family for all his issues and I bought it all. Now I wonder if he made it all up. He used me as his "beard of normality." I am an accomplished, smart, not unattractive person - if he was with me then he could pass as healthy and without any real problems. Basically he lied just enough to be able to get what he wanted - to be able to drink without me interfering (but also keep me on the hook as his nominal girlfriend). The night before we broke up he was definitely drunk. We went out to dinner and I cried the whole time in the restaurant (as in, sobbing). I was so anxious and my gut knew something was wrong. I had asked if he had been drinking and he got angry and turned it around on me, making me out to be the bad guy for sensing something was wrong. He made me doubt my own reality - what was right in front of my eyes. After dinner he asked that all I do is keep him from ending up in the gutter. :/ I laughed it off but over the year I have realized that was just...odd. A partner should be an equal partner. I am not his keeper - he is an adult and has to have responsibility for the decisions he makes and where they lead his life.
Would I do it again? Hell no. The idea of being with someone that treats me like that makes me physically ill. But I guess I can be grateful for the learning experience. I am definitely less naive about addiction (and codependence!). I was woefully naive, having never seen it up close and personal in my life before him.
If you are with someone who causes you grief and anxiety, who lies, manipulates and generally is unreliable- get out. Really. You cannot help them so just help yourself. I only spent 16 months with this man and even in that short time I could *feel* my sanity slipping away. I had to wake up and advocate for myself and cut this person out of my life.
There is so much better for us all, on the other side of that madness.
This past weekend was the 1 year anniversary of me breaking up with my xAbf. It crossed my mind briefly but only a little bit because I was too busy at a birthday party for a friend and then going to Medieval Times with my SO (let's call him MrGreenEyes) and his family (so much fun).
It is amazing to me how completely my life has changed in these past 52 weeks vs the 16 months I spent in a "relationship" (what I look back on now as a learning experience but not really a relationship) with my xAbf. I am truly the happiest I have ever been. I completed my first marathon about 4 weeks ago and I am training again for another 30K race. My health and fitness goals are going along nicely, work is busy and best of all I am a complete smitten kitten with MrGreenEyes. This relationship is so much more healthy. It adds to my life, rather than subtracting from it.
So I have been out of town in meetings for work the last 2 days. Yesterday we had a guest speaker who looked so much like my xAbf (except 25 years older). It was spooky. At dinner last night it came up That 2 of my colleagues had alcoholic fathers (I know, deep and personal discussion for a business dinner). Actually one of my coworkers started describing some of her father's behaviour and I wondered if he was an alcoholic before she even said he was. I ended up sharing a bit of what I have learned from dating an A and also from this wonderful site. I still lurk here quite a bit because I learn a lot!
So then last night I had the most awful nightmare. I was back in a relationship with my xAbf (but he looked like a guy I went on 2 dates with who was ok but we didn't end up hitting it off). In this dream A and I were in a more serious relationship. We had combined finances and owned a truck together. In the dream I wanted to break up but he kept manipulating me, lying to me and gaslighting me (similar to real life). I was terrified, felt trapped and so upset and sad. It must have been a somewhat lucid dream though because I was able to reassure myself that it was not reality and that MrGreenEyes was my reality.
Not that I needed it, but it 1000% reconfirmed that my choice to end it with xAbf and go no contact was completely the right decision for my life, health and sanity.
Looking back after a full year away from him....I can see how messed up it was. It was less a relationship than a hostage situation. He was always the victim. He could never take responsibility for any of the problems in his life. Everyone was out to get him. "No one" liked him. He was paranoid and sometimes delusional. He was an expert in quacking and magical thinking. He would just spin these elaborate tales about how amazing life would be....but never take any action to bring this amazing life to fruition. He told me early that he was a very accomplished liar. I should have listened to him. He blamed his family for all his issues and I bought it all. Now I wonder if he made it all up. He used me as his "beard of normality." I am an accomplished, smart, not unattractive person - if he was with me then he could pass as healthy and without any real problems. Basically he lied just enough to be able to get what he wanted - to be able to drink without me interfering (but also keep me on the hook as his nominal girlfriend). The night before we broke up he was definitely drunk. We went out to dinner and I cried the whole time in the restaurant (as in, sobbing). I was so anxious and my gut knew something was wrong. I had asked if he had been drinking and he got angry and turned it around on me, making me out to be the bad guy for sensing something was wrong. He made me doubt my own reality - what was right in front of my eyes. After dinner he asked that all I do is keep him from ending up in the gutter. :/ I laughed it off but over the year I have realized that was just...odd. A partner should be an equal partner. I am not his keeper - he is an adult and has to have responsibility for the decisions he makes and where they lead his life.
Would I do it again? Hell no. The idea of being with someone that treats me like that makes me physically ill. But I guess I can be grateful for the learning experience. I am definitely less naive about addiction (and codependence!). I was woefully naive, having never seen it up close and personal in my life before him.
If you are with someone who causes you grief and anxiety, who lies, manipulates and generally is unreliable- get out. Really. You cannot help them so just help yourself. I only spent 16 months with this man and even in that short time I could *feel* my sanity slipping away. I had to wake up and advocate for myself and cut this person out of my life.
There is so much better for us all, on the other side of that madness.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
GreenEyes...I am so happy for you! Thank you so much for taking the time for this wonderful update!
There are some that are going through what you went through...right now...and, they may take some inspiration from your story....
Keep us updated as to how your "new life" is progressing.....?
You are a part of the SR family!
There are some that are going through what you went through...right now...and, they may take some inspiration from your story....
Keep us updated as to how your "new life" is progressing.....?
You are a part of the SR family!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 3
Thank you for this GreenEyes. It's exactly what I have needed to read. I'm 6 months out of a 20-month relationship with an alcohol addicted 35-year old. I'm struggling at the moment because he has moved on yet I am stuck in a loop of knowing that I made the right decision to leave but wishing I hadn't had to make that decision. It makes me angry to think that he still thinks his behaviour wasn't an issue.
I just have to remind myself of all the nights I couldn't sleep with anxiety when in the relationship and of his 'victim' behaviour. I'm a strong woman yet I hate the impact I am allowing this relationship to still have on my life. The sooner I leave the same city as him the better.
I just have to remind myself of all the nights I couldn't sleep with anxiety when in the relationship and of his 'victim' behaviour. I'm a strong woman yet I hate the impact I am allowing this relationship to still have on my life. The sooner I leave the same city as him the better.
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by Clariss
Thank you for this GreenEyes. It's exactly what I have needed to read. I'm 6 months out of a 20-month relationship with an alcohol addicted 35-year old. I'm struggling at the moment because he has moved on yet I am stuck in a loop of knowing that I made the right decision to leave but wishing I hadn't had to make that decision. It makes me angry to think that he still thinks his behaviour wasn't an issue.
I just have to remind myself of all the nights I couldn't sleep with anxiety when in the relationship and of his 'victim' behaviour. I'm a strong woman yet I hate the impact I am allowing this relationship to still have on my life. The sooner I leave the same city as him the better.
I just have to remind myself of all the nights I couldn't sleep with anxiety when in the relationship and of his 'victim' behaviour. I'm a strong woman yet I hate the impact I am allowing this relationship to still have on my life. The sooner I leave the same city as him the better.
You will make it through this. Just keep moving forward.
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Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 59
Originally Posted by dandylion
GreenEyes...I am so happy for you! Thank you so much for taking the time for this wonderful update!
There are some that are going through what you went through...right now...and, they may take some inspiration from your story....
Keep us updated as to how your "new life" is progressing.....?
You are a part of the SR family!
There are some that are going through what you went through...right now...and, they may take some inspiration from your story....
Keep us updated as to how your "new life" is progressing.....?
You are a part of the SR family!
I am so happy to say that MrGreenEyes and I are going strong. We are now married and expecting a baby in the spring
Life is simple and good.Work has been busy and very rewarding this year. I finished my 30K race well back last spring and look forward to getting back into running after the baby is born (I ran through as much of my pregnancy as I could before it just became too uncomfortable).
I hope everyone on here, especially those of you who helped me so much during that time I was dealing with xAbf and the after-math of breaking up with him, are doing very well.
Happy Holidays!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by GreenEyes02
A year ago dandylion asked me to keep you all updated on how my "new life" is progressing.
I am so happy to say that MrGreenEyes and I are going strong. We are now married and expecting a baby in the spring Life is simple and good.
I am so happy to say that MrGreenEyes and I are going strong. We are now married and expecting a baby in the spring
Life is simple and good.
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