help; STBXAH's continued denial, now going to court :(
 

I just received my STBXAH's response to my response to his court motion (or whatever the term is) to discontinue sobriety monitoring when he has our kids.

In my request to continue the monitoring, I included my entire typed 108 page record of the last two years of our marriage, during which he was verbally abusive and physically threatening, and in which I kept track of his benders and empty bottles . Just re-reading it gave me PTSD, and my friend who read it said it made her feel physically ill.

STBXAH, however, continues to deny that he has a problem and claims that he only agreed to sobriety monitoring (which he's done for a year, with multiple late tests but not failed tests, while he has custody of our kids) because he thought it would appease me. He says that the doctor's note diagnosing his alcoholism is inadmissable because it's heresay and he didn't give it to me. (I found it on top of the console of his car.)

He says I left him for someone else, not because of his drinking, a claim for which he has no evidence as it's not true.

My heart is in my throat. I feel whiplashed, going from the trauma of re-reading my journal to his extreme, continued, denial. I'm also, illogically, dismayed. I had a glimmer of hope that when he read the journal, he would have a lightbulb moment in which he'd realize just how awful were the consequences of his drinking.

What an nightmare, and next week it all goes before a judge.

Any words of solace or advice?

108 pages of incidents versus "my doctor's note doesn't count?"

Okay, I understand the judicial system is fallible, but that's one major-league QUACK and I'd be shocked if a judge fell for that.

What does your lawyer say?

OK, breathe. This is actually exactly what you should have expected from him.

Know what's the one thing that shocks ME? He told the truth when he said he agreed to the monitoring only to appease you.

Actually, medical records are an exception to the hearsay rule. And you came by that note honestly--it's not like you broke into his car to steal it. You might have to have it "authenticated," which means calling the doctor as a witness to say it's genuine. You might not be able to get anything more out of the doctor without your husband's waiving his doctor-patient privilege. But I don't see, legally, why the doc couldn't be required to authenticate his note. Discuss it with your lawyer.

I'm so sorry you have to relive all that crap and that he isn't being reasonable.

I agree with Aries. Your 108 page detailed account will probably be quite powerful. Usually this type of evidence is pretty darn persuasive. I guess my advice is to let go of those things beyond your control and be really satisfied that you did everything that was reasonably in your power here. Keeping such a detailed journal is an extraordinary endeavor and you did it without knowing for sure whether you would ever use it. Lots and lots of people are told to keep such a journal and very few do it; you should be damn proud that you did. Also, don't worry about your husband or what he does. His attorney would probably never allow him to admit to being an alcoholic even if he was inclined to do so. In any event, you have no control over his actions or words, so don't fuss over them. Just feel good about yourself. It seems to me that everything that you are doing is for the good of your children, and nobody could ever criticize you for that.

And ... yes ... Lexie is absolutely right about medical records being an exception to the hearsay rule. Medical records are among the easiest documents to get in. The judge probably won't take kindly to his attorney forcing you to get the doctor to authenticate the record.

One other thought. IF you are able to get the medical note into evidence, it's probable that his refusal to waive the privilege to allow the doctor to testify more fully about it will be held against him. IOW, the note sort of opens the door to the question of an actual DIAGNOSIS of alcoholism. And if he calls the doctor to testify, your lawyer can cross-examine him. It actually holds a lot of interesting possibilities.

Thank you. Breathing restored.

I forwarded what you said to my attorney, Lexie and Sober. As I mentioned in a previous posting, I'm a little concerned about her abilities, but it's too late now, so I really, really appreciate the legal advice to share with her. Wow--if we can get the doctor to testify, that would be just amazing. Earlier I had told my attorney that what I really want is an alcohol assessment; she said that the doctor's note already is that, so if we can get the doctor in court . . . .

I have evidence to counter STBXAH's inaccurate claims, but, to his credit, I can't argue against the fact that he has managed to clean up his act, at least to all outward appearances. It's mystifying, really. How has he managed to pass so many breathalyzer tests over this past year, without having gotten sober? I know he's still drinking; I know our old liquor cabinet is still full of bottles, some of them empty, and I know there are still empties stashed around the house. The whole thing makes no sense to me.

How has he managed to pass so many breathalyzer tests over this past year, without having gotten sober?

Any chance someone is taking them for him?

How old is this doctors letter that you found in his car? The thing is if he wanted he could probably get another doctor now to contradict it. Plus the judge might not take kindly to you breaking his privacy as there are laws on that.
The courts can be lenient when they see a person making an effort. My husband was court ordered to treatment and a sort of probation period for a year due to a criminal complaint. charges were not filed but suspended to see if he completed the treatment and stuff. After about 6 months the judge just dismissed all of it including probation because my husband had been going to therapy and had done well according to his physician, and he was no longer using and his behavior patterns all looked good. If your husband has used that breathing machine for a year, had no problems, has not been arrested or had any EMS calls then I would prepare for a judge to be lenient.

He's already stated he didn't have a problem, that he agreed to the breathalyzer to "appease" her. So the age of the letter doesn't matter. Let him get another eval if he wants to, would love to have the chance to cross-examine both doctors, including the one who he retained for the express purpose of contradicting the first, and who he probably would lie to about his history.

As for "privacy"--he left the note on the car console. That's his fault--she did nothing to violate his privacy. She's not in any trouble.

I didnt say she was in trouble. What Im trying to say is that he did the breathalyzer for a year voluntarily and apparently had no issues for a year. The judge will look at his willingness and success. Maybe like they did with my husband. Just trying to share my experience so she isnt shocked if they give the guy some acknowldgment for his efforts. The other stuff could get into a huge debate with witnesses on both sides if you wanted to play that game. And look I saw this paper from one of his doctors that was in his car... SEE.... But IF he has the past year to show he has been a model citizen thats going to count. I hope the kids are safe thats all that matters. Hopefully a judge will err on the side of caution to protect them. With our baby on the way, I doubt I could use my husbands past behavior to have him monitored when driving our child. Something this post just made me aware of - protective soon to be mommy.

He says that the doctor's note diagnosing his alcoholism is inadmissable because it's heresay and he didn't give it to me.

fascinating....he does not deny it's existence, or the content - which is another way to say YES a doctor DID diagnose me with alcoholism, but hey quick look at this shiny thing.

hang in there sauerkraut.....more will be revealed.

Addiction destroys people, relationships, jobs, opportunities, and lives. Your soon to be ex might be a high functioning alcoholic, but the vortex of madness that is addiction is not beyond him. My guess is that his inner world is very small. To someone who cannot relate - that madness is comprised of varying amounts of paranoia, irrational thinking, self-deceit, and denial. It's a hot mess.

If there is ever a time to enforce sobriety monitoring, it's when an adult has children in his / her custody. That's just plain logic and I don't see how a judge would overlook it. That the sobriety monitoring is in place at all indicates a big problem. "he only agreed to sobriety monitoring ... because he thought it would appease me." That's ridiculous. If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't care to discontinue it - especially if continuing with it makes him look like a more responsible parent.

What you're going through is devastating and I understand if you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. It's there. Every tunnel has an exit. And even if it's dark on the other side, the night has only so many hours.

Hang in there.

I think that Alicia's point is quite valid. Nobody should get their hopes up. If XAH can demonstrate a year of real good behavior, then a judge could quite easily rule in his favor, regardless of what happened in the past. Court ordered monitoring is, IMO, a massive privacy invasion. We should all hope that our government needs a pretty compelling reason to make such an order.

Um, it's a court proceeding, not a game. And presenting witnesses, and evidence (like the note) is how court proceedings work.

How the judge weighs the evidence remains to be seen. I think she has a decent shot. Nothing is guaranteed, but given the history, I would hope she succeeds in getting that continued monitoring. I think it might be helpful to call an expert in alcoholism to put the history in context.

And if things go south with your husband, alicia, hopefully he would have more than monitoring--he should have supervised visitation. And yes, his past violent, alcoholic behavior would be appropriately considered by the court in ordering any necessary protections.

Umm Lexie I know its not a game. I was trying to share my experience is all. All legal proceedings can be complex and it was fortunate he agreed initially to voluntary monitoring. Im in favor of safety and I hope she gets more supervision.

I've been practicing law for over 30 years. You've been through a couple of proceedings involving your husband. Trust me, I have an appreciation of the complexity of legal proceedings.

I don't know what the outcome will be, either. Nobody does. I know enough about sauerkraut's history with her husband, though, to be convinced she should do anything in her power to get that continued monitoring. And I know enough about court proceedings to know it's not a hopeless cause.

BTW, I apologize for the rather condescending tone above. I sometimes get a little, um, passionate :) about my work, but the tone was uncalled-for.

Ok people, this is not the place to debate anything. Post only your personal experience regarding the original question of the thread. If you want to debate go the "Cafe" forum.

Mike
Moderator, SR

Thank you to everyone who shared ideas. Your comments made me take heart that I'm doing the best I can and to realize that his filing was a series of quacks. Funny how hard it can be to distinguish that quacking sound when it's your own personal STBXA who is making it.

Once your comments made me realize what he was doing, I organized each of his claims according to quack category: denial, minimization, and deflection, and I used evidence from my journals, emails, doctor's note, police report, etc. to demonstrate his illogic in each case.

Ultimately, I argued that his filing should be used as evidence of his alcoholism, as it demonstrates the strategies that an addict uses to protect his addiction from inconvenient reality.

I also mentioned that I only know this from Al Anon, therapy, and more than 2 years on SoberRecovery. The fact that I've been learning about alcoholism and recovery while he's been denying, deflecting, and minimizing the effects of his disease should also, hopefully, work against his claims.

FWIW my attorney said that our family court here tends to be somewhat lax about the privacy issues regarding his medical diagnosis. She says the fact that I found the note in his (actually our) car, and that I've already introduced it as evidence means that it can't be easily dismissed. The judge has seen the elephant, and STBXAH's protestations that that's not fair likely just draws more attention to it.