Drug Addict Mother
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Drug Addict Mother
My mother didn't raise or have any part in mine or my 3 younger sisters life.
I myself am going on about 4 or 5 years of having no contact with her and live 8 hours away from her.
One of my younger sisters who lives near by has a 6 year old son who our mother was apart of his life until she started using drugs... again.
Anyways, the reason for the post is my sister wants to set guidelines for our mother in order for her to see her son. She was wanting to tell our mother she can't see her son until she has been sober for 6 months. To me I feel like that length of time would scare our mother and her not try.
What is a reasonable time frame to request a drug addict to be clean in order to see their grandchild?
I myself am going on about 4 or 5 years of having no contact with her and live 8 hours away from her.
One of my younger sisters who lives near by has a 6 year old son who our mother was apart of his life until she started using drugs... again.
Anyways, the reason for the post is my sister wants to set guidelines for our mother in order for her to see her son. She was wanting to tell our mother she can't see her son until she has been sober for 6 months. To me I feel like that length of time would scare our mother and her not try.
What is a reasonable time frame to request a drug addict to be clean in order to see their grandchild?
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Six months sounds like a good minimum. Most addicts don't stay sober right off the bat. If she makes the time period too short, the poor kid barely gets to know grandma before she's off to the races and a crazy, toxic person again.
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I'm looking at it like this:
An hour of being sober is too long for an addict.
I can't imagine a week of being sober.
So I see a month being a reasonable time to give her.
It's not so far out to reach.
I do agree in a way 6 months is less likely for her to relapse than a month but I also see it leading her to giving up.
I don't understand the mind of an addict so maybe I'm too hopeful?
An hour of being sober is too long for an addict.
I can't imagine a week of being sober.
So I see a month being a reasonable time to give her.
It's not so far out to reach.
I do agree in a way 6 months is less likely for her to relapse than a month but I also see it leading her to giving up.
I don't understand the mind of an addict so maybe I'm too hopeful?
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The length of time is up to your family. But it definitely wouldn't hurt your mom to know that actions have consequences. And that includes using. There's nothing wrong with saying that you expect some sobriety from your mom if she wants to see your nephew.
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Your sister's priority is protecting her child, as it absolutely should be, and if she feels that one month is not long enough before she can see her grandchild, then that is that. There shouldn't be a negotiation when a child's best interest is concerned. If your mother is going to give up on sobriety then there will always be a reason -- there's no need for your nephew to suffer the collateral damage of her addiction.
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but I also see it leading her to giving up.
well then too bad for her.....she already missed out on one generation. i do hope no one is trying to "use" the grandchild as a reward or as motivation hoping the addict was suddenly get clean? the priority here is the child.....
how long would your sister want anyone else to be free off of drugs before spending time with her son????
well then too bad for her.....she already missed out on one generation. i do hope no one is trying to "use" the grandchild as a reward or as motivation hoping the addict was suddenly get clean? the priority here is the child.....
how long would your sister want anyone else to be free off of drugs before spending time with her son????
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YOU haven't had contact with her for four or five YEARS due to her addict behavior. And you want your sister to put her son at risk for the sake of "encouraging" her?
How about you tell her, "I, as an adult, will have contact with you on a trial basis. We'll see how consistent you are with ME, how serious you are about your recovery, and how safe you are to be around. And if you are consistent over that six months, then my sister will consider allowing contact with her son."
Look, she's been OUT of contact with him for a while (you didn't say how long) due to her behavior. The prospect of not seeing him apparently didn't motivate her to get right back on the recovery wagon, did it?
How about you tell her, "I, as an adult, will have contact with you on a trial basis. We'll see how consistent you are with ME, how serious you are about your recovery, and how safe you are to be around. And if you are consistent over that six months, then my sister will consider allowing contact with her son."
Look, she's been OUT of contact with him for a while (you didn't say how long) due to her behavior. The prospect of not seeing him apparently didn't motivate her to get right back on the recovery wagon, did it?
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Yes, a child's protection is priority. Which is why I have no contact with our mother. I have an 11 year old son who has only met her 3 times because of the life style she chose.
As far as my sister. She craves a relationship with our mother and wants our mother to be a grandmother. I've tried telling her that our mother has never wanted to be a mother so why does she expect our mother to be a grandmother.
I am trying to help my sister with guidelines that are in reachable distance for our mother - Our mom wants to see my sisters son and my sister wants our mother to be around.
As far as my sister. She craves a relationship with our mother and wants our mother to be a grandmother. I've tried telling her that our mother has never wanted to be a mother so why does she expect our mother to be a grandmother.
I am trying to help my sister with guidelines that are in reachable distance for our mother - Our mom wants to see my sisters son and my sister wants our mother to be around.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat 
YOU haven't had contact with her for four or five YEARS due to her addict behavior. And you want your sister to put her son at risk for the sake of "encouraging" her?
How about you tell her, "I, as an adult, will have contact with you on a trial basis. We'll see how consistent you are with ME, how serious you are about your recovery, and how safe you are to be around. And if you are consistent over that six months, then my sister will consider allowing contact with her son."
Look, she's been OUT of contact with him for a while (you didn't say how long) due to her behavior. The prospect of not seeing him apparently didn't motivate her to get right back on the recovery wagon, did it?
How about you tell her, "I, as an adult, will have contact with you on a trial basis. We'll see how consistent you are with ME, how serious you are about your recovery, and how safe you are to be around. And if you are consistent over that six months, then my sister will consider allowing contact with her son."
Look, she's been OUT of contact with him for a while (you didn't say how long) due to her behavior. The prospect of not seeing him apparently didn't motivate her to get right back on the recovery wagon, did it?
My sister wants our mother around and our mother does contact her to see my sisters son. I told my sister if she wants our mother to be around then she needs to set guidelines for her. If she doesn't want her around then she needs to loose all contact with her like I did. My sister is her own person and it is her child. She knows where I stand with our mother.
I only did this post hoping someone could share how an addicts mind works and if 6 months sober to see my sisters son was too long in an addicts mind. I'm not an addict. I don't think like an addict. I am trying help my sister make realistic guidelines - ones that aren't too easy but not unreachable. That's all.
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No, I don't think it's too long. She's been out of contact that long already, so another six months to prove herself isn't unreasonable in the least.
Now, she might SAY it's too long, poor me, etc., but I would hold firm. Addicts and alcoholics have a lot to make up for, and proving their reliability for the sake of regaining trust is part of the process.
Now, she might SAY it's too long, poor me, etc., but I would hold firm. Addicts and alcoholics have a lot to make up for, and proving their reliability for the sake of regaining trust is part of the process.
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the addict mind says......when can i next use, what will i have to do to use. anything else is just white noise. that's how a mother can walk away from FOUR children. you are still dealing with THAT person.
might your mother balk at the six month time frame? that's pretty much a certainty. and that will tell your sister all she needs to know about how important having this child in her life REALLY is.
might your mother balk at the six month time frame? that's pretty much a certainty. and that will tell your sister all she needs to know about how important having this child in her life REALLY is.
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I would encourage your sister to find an al-anon or nar-anon meeting, which are for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts before she begins a cycle of Grandma is in our lives, Grandma is not in our lives, Grandma is in our lives, Grandma is not in our lives.
That's a tremendous cycle of impact not only on her but the 6 year old as well.
That's a tremendous cycle of impact not only on her but the 6 year old as well.
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