Third lapse in less than two weeks
 

I've been feeling like my partner was a time bomb ready to go off as he hasn't been working the program. He hasn't acted crazy or hasn't appeared to have drank a lot, but a lapse is a lapse. I guess my question will get answered on its own, but I'm wondering how long do I put up with this? I mean, not knowing what I'll find when I come home? Drunk or sober? Sober and angry/cold, mildly drunk and caring? Is it part of the process? Am I just being strung along like an idiot? I've been thinking that if he isn't working the program and continues to lapse, then I need to make other living arrangements. I went to an Alanon meeting last night in which I helped a few newcomers by my words, but when I got home I knew that he had lapsed again and I think lied about going to his AA meeting. I sort of fell apart. In the midst of all the world crises, it seems like he's giving up. He seemed to genuinely feel bad that I got so upset and apologized and says he wants to get better, but at what point do I throw in the towel? I know, I know. The answer is up to me, but it's so frustrating because I'm hurt, scared and confused. I guess I need to let my higher power take over the details of all this, right? I guess I'm having a lapse of my own in MY recovery as well. Thanks everyone.

Hi Mindybadger,
I think it is safe to say that indecision is not a lapse in your own recovery. Part of an anon's recovery is discovering and evaluating their options. Then, when you choose to stay, it is from the stronger position of active choice, and not because you do not see any other way.
And righto, my friend. You are the only one who knows when to call it quits. You are not a psychic, I presume, so there's no way you can know what he's ultimately going to do. And trust me... as concerns yourself, if he doesn't knock it off, the moment will come when you will have HAD IT. Nothing will be unclear to you then. So, go ahead and plot your escape route... you and I will both hope you don't have to use it.

Love,
Smoke

Thanks Smoke. Sometimes I just wish I could magically be on my own and not have to worry about what he's going to do, and not having to put my relationship needs on hold. Yes, I'd be "alone", but lately it seems like being alone is the least painful times in my life. I guess I need a lot of time to myself to heal and work through things. This may sound silly and trivial, but my main concern right now in making a decision is my animals. I have a kitten, and an older cat, and we both consider ourselves the "owner"(?!) of our dog. I love that dog, and I don't want to give him up. If I have to though, I guess it's better than my sanity. Seems like a few odd things like that is keeping me from leaving. Yes, it has been a little bit better than it used to be, which is also holding me back. I feel you're right when you say I'll know when I've had enough. Maybe it's all a part of the divine plan? Anything is possible...thanks again for being there and I hope you're doing okay in the midst of the world chaos. Take care.
Peace and love,
Mindy

HI Mindybadger...
Dino got a little bit better before he got a lot better. It's okay to hope.
Your concerns about your animals are not silly. (My cat says so.)
My thoughts are with you.

Smoke

Hi MindyBadger,
My thoughts are with you in your delema. I, too, live with an actively drinking alcholic and it's tough. I understand the not knowing what your coming home to "drunk or sober". The one thing I learned in all this is that I knew he was an alcholic when I met him, and it's up to me on how much I want to put up with. Some days I think that this is it; and then others I feel understanding and compassion for who he is and the disease he has. We also have a child together and he is a great father even with his drinking. I've never, in all my experience with other alcholics/addicts, have I seen such devotion. I grew up in a family of addicts, and learned what the term functional and disfunctional alcholic meant. Not that they didn't love thier children, but they just weren't the main focus. In fact, in cases there wasn't any focus put on the kids. She is 4yrs old and has a very close relationship with her daddy.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it is an individual decision that's not without it's heartstrings pulling at every corner.
Good luck.

mindaybadger - Like you my mate is an alcoholic. After yet another bad scene, I packed my things to leave and I was left with enormous feelings of loss and confusion. And once again he convinced me he would stop and to please stay. Yesterday he attended his first AA meeting and has made his firm commitment that to me to stop drinking. He's relapsed in the past which leaves me distrustful and I am now struggling with whether staying was the right move. I am very angry and he assumes I will embrace him for these recent efforts. Right now I find affection almost impossible as a result of the past three years's actions (many describe in these postings) and living together day to day is least than ideal. As a last ditch effort we've agreed to stay together theough holidays and reevaluate in Jan on his progress, both knowing the score. But I still struggle with whether supporting his (hopeful) sobriety and fear of relapse) is something that I want to have to constantly worry about long term. I don't know the answer but because he is an exceptional man when not drinking, I'll try for now and take this proving period day to day.

mindy,
i told my two 17-year old cats about your situation, and they have quite a bit to say to you.

Big Bit (the quiet one) says "hang in there, girl. but remember you make the choice one day at a time whether to stay or go" meow.

Little Bit (the talker) says "living in chaos isn't any fun, is it? but there are good points to it and bad points to it. meow?

i've noticed that big bit hides under the bed when her daddy is being a compulsive, isolating jerk. she comes out long enough to use his sports page as a kitty box, then sticks her nose in the air and prances away. she is literally "pissed off" at the neglect. i know how she feels.

but little bit gets up in his face and demands her rightful share of attention and respect and she refuses to be neglected. she often gets knocked across the room, especially if she starts with the "love bites" on his fingers. he hates that and will send her flying.

each kitty has their approach. i have tried both approaches, but i still don't get any attention when he's off on one of his "zone-outs". (he doesn't drink anymore, but has substituted computer games and espn).

are you more of a big bit or a little bit?? i think i am sometimes just a bit(ch).. let me know if you have the answer.

Cats make nice barometers. One of mine is a stray that Dino acquired. She hisses at anyone who smells like pot.

Smoke

All these postings have helped me tonight. I will go to bed with a little more compassion for my A. and for myself. Nice to know I am not alone in this wildly rocking boat. Thanks.
Lor.