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So hard to pull the trigger

Old 03-07-2017, 01:21 PM
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So hard to pull the trigger

I found an apartment. Signing a lease would be the first step towards leaving my AH, but can't seem to pull the trigger.

I've established that he isn't trying like I want him to be trying. I've lived with it for 15 years on and off and can't do it anymore. But this stinks so bad!

I didn't want this. I don't want this. I still love him. I want him to be sober, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I think that he truly thinks that he is trying, but I don't think it's enough and he doesn't hear my concerns.

I feel like a failure. I stood in front of all of my family and friends and married this guy for life.

I feel like my friends and family are going to hate me and not understand (he drinks so intermittently that most people don't even know he has a problem, let alone one that people understand me leaving him for.)

I feel like I might regret this decision later.

I feel scared for my kids and how this will impact them.

I feel scared that this could cause him to stop trying. Will he still feel like he has a reason to try?

I am afraid of being alone. I won't have him, my family likely will not understand this, all of our friends are mutual who also likely won't understand.

I feel like I need to decide, sign a lease, and just tell him what's happening. It will only be harder if I give him a chance to try to change my mind.

How did you guys get past these feelings and actually decide to take the leap??
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Old 03-07-2017, 01:34 PM
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B,
I am so sorry for your pain. Hon, I waited 34 years and finally "figured" out that he wasn't going to get help. I could no longer live with it also. You are not alone. No one says that after you leave that you can't get back together. No one says that you don't love your husband. We all love our addicts, but it doesn't mean that we have to live in the circus with them.

He might just realize that you mean business, by moving out. You probably have threatened so many times that he doesn't believe you anymore about leaving. I am sure he will be surprised.

I want to tell you the best thing I did for me and my kids was divorce my ah. I look back at what he did to me for years and years and what I tolerated from him. I can't even believe it was me. I am happy, I smile every day, my kids are happy. Life is so calm and quiet, I have money to spend on me. I stopped obsessing about AXH who he was with, what he was doing, the money he was spending and so on. Alcoholics are truly exhausting.

Keep moving forward, 15 years is a very long time living with an addict. You and your family will be ok, deep breaths and pray that he sees the lite and seeks sobriety.
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Old 03-07-2017, 01:40 PM
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You might find some use in reading through these threads, batchel:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ss-2017-a.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eb-thread.html

And there is a new one for March here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ch-thread.html

As far as getting past the feelings? I think when I realized I could feel ONE set of terrible feelings for as long as I stayed with him--living in the sadness, loneliness, fear, and dishonesty of active alcoholism--hoping there might be an end in sight but not knowing if it might really ever happen

OR

I could feel a slightly different set of bad feelings that DID have an end in sight--the loneliness and fear of starting over, making my own way, moving on.

I chose the short-term pain for long-term gain. I won't kid you, it wasn't easy, but it can be done, and when you come out the other side, there is a life like you can't even imagine right now that is waiting for you.

Really.
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Old 03-07-2017, 01:46 PM
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There's a lot of projecting going on in your post.

I'm an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My codependency issues imploded my first marriage. I had married my first husband because I was afraid of what would happen if I said no, I wasn't ready, couldn't we wait. He was (and is, we are still friends) a lovely person. But I was not whole, not ready, and simply not relationship material. I had people-pleased my way into a life that I didn't want and felt trapped in.

When I left him, I feared everyone would turn on me. I believed they would be justified in doing so. And I have to tell you, I had a lot less misery to leave than being married to an alcoholic.

All I can tell you is that not one person told me I was terrible for doing what I felt I had to do. Not one person made me feel embarrassed, or ashamed, even though I was practically begging people to judge me as I was so incredibly judgmental of myself. In my head, my problems were a LOT bigger than they were on the outside, to people who cared about me (even when they didn't understand me).

More often than not I was told that I was strong. That most people wouldn't be strong enough to get themselves out of a relationship that wasn't working for them. I cried every single time someone said that because I didn't FEEL strong. I felt weak, and like a failure at life and adulthood.

Then what I did was earn those words.

I committed to therapy. I eschewed any kind of romantic relationship for three years. I dove headfirst into the thing I was most afraid of in the world: Being alone.

I wrote a book. I strengthened my friendships with healthy people and let go of toxic ones. I decided that I didn't need anyone in my life who couldn't be on my side, and that included family members, if necessary. I learned to live in my own skin, for the first time in 35 years.

I had spent my entire life being terrified of how I would define myself if I wasn't someone's girlfriend or someone's wife, of how people would see me, and whether they could love me. And then I learned that it was only when I began to love me, no matter what, that I could let anyone else's love in.

This required a leap of faith, and letting go of the things I couldn't control (what other people thought of me was number one on that list), and a tiny bit of trust that maybe I wasn't actually the Worst Person in the World.

I understand each one of your fears, and I can only tell you that the only strength they had was to hold me back from having a much more fulfilling and happier relationship with myself.
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Old 03-07-2017, 01:59 PM
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These are some threads of my own from when I was where you are now. Maybe you'll find something there that's helpful, too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...7-deja-vu.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...led-today.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ion-place.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...o-i-guess.html
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Old 03-07-2017, 02:23 PM
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Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
I feel like a failure. I stood in front of all of my family and friends and married this guy for life.
And how, exactly, did YOU fail? Marriage isn't a mutual suicide pact. If your partner is making life miserable, you aren't obligated to keep taking it.

Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
I feel like my friends and family are going to hate me and not understand (he drinks so intermittently that most people don't even know he has a problem, let alone one that people understand me leaving him for.)
People get divorced for all kinds of reasons all the time. Your friends and family may not understand all the nuances, but they want you to be happy, not miserable. All you have to tell them is that you did not make the decision lightly, that you had concluded that continuing with the marriage was bad for your well-being and for the kids'. You can explain further to those who you CHOOSE to confide in. You don't owe the world an explanation. And I think you will be surprised how supportive people are once they get over the initial shock (if they assumed everything was fine).

Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
I feel like I might regret this decision later.
I think you're more likely to regret wasted years and the suffering ahead if you decide to stay. But let's say, for the sake of argument, that he decides to recover and does the hard work involved in that. Some people reconcile. It's not out of the realm of possibility. But empty promises won't cut it. Let him SHOW you what he's willing to do to recover.

Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
I feel scared for my kids and how this will impact them.
Living with an alcoholic parent is guaranteed to have an adverse impact on children. Divorce is something that kids can adjust to. I'd suggest getting them into some counseling, regardless of whether you stay or go.

Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
I feel scared that this could cause him to stop trying. Will he still feel like he has a reason to try?
Doesn't sound like he's "trying" now--most alcoholics don't get sober until they are in sufficient pain that it's the only alternative.

Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
I am afraid of being alone. I won't have him, my family likely will not understand this, all of our friends are mutual who also likely won't understand.
Many of them WON'T understand. Some of them probably will. They don't HAVE to understand. But you're not going to be some untouchable because you have decided to leave.

Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
I feel like I need to decide, sign a lease, and just tell him what's happening. It will only be harder if I give him a chance to try to change my mind.
I'd make sure you have all your important documents/possessions/information socked away in a safe place, just in case he takes it into his head to get vindictive. Have you talked with a lawyer? Have you got some separate financial accounts set up? It's always best to have a whole plan in place, not just sign a lease and leave.

Originally Posted by batchel9 View Post
How did you guys get past these feelings and actually decide to take the leap??
I simply concluded, based on my past experience, that I had done everything that I could to help. There was nothing more I could have done. I imagined myself handing him over to his own Higher Power, and I've never for a second regretted it.
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Old 03-07-2017, 06:10 PM
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How about instead of all or nothing, you just take it in steps. Move out on the terms of a trial separation to allow you both to work on individual things first before you can the marriage. That way it gives you a taste of what life will be on your own and away from him. It allows him to either do something about his binge drinking or not. Time will reveal that to you.

As for what family and friends may think, you don't need their approval but their support would be nice but not something you may always count on. None of them has to know all the details, all they need to know is that you both have some things to work on and this is the best way right now.
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Old 03-08-2017, 12:44 PM
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it sounds like you feel you are a block in a Jenga tower and that if pulled will cause the WHOLE THING to crash to the ground. let's see - family will HATE you, kids will be scarred for life, friends will desert you, your husband's drinking will spiral out of control and you will be alone for the rest of your life.

i realize i am paraphrasing a bit, but i hope you get the idea. using one of my fave terms, you are "disasterfying" the situation.

so now that we have that out of our system....can you think of ANY positives or benefits that might result from moving? start with YOU.
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Old 03-08-2017, 12:55 PM
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It may seem different at first, but you are likely making the best change in your life.
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Old 03-09-2017, 08:54 AM
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It is so hard. I tried to leave 4 times before I did. Had apartments lined up and everything. To date, the ONLY regret I have is not following through with leaving the FIRST time.

We give them so many chances to change....and the whole time, WE could have changed too. Big hugs - it is very difficult to leave a relationship - let alone a marriage. The things we stay through are a testament to our strength, will power and fortitude for what we would do to fight for a relationship.

However, WE deserve to fight for OURSELVES just as fervently. We deserve partners with as much strength, fortitude and willpower towards the relationship as we have. We deserve reciprocity, happiness, security and peace...because those are the things WE give to a partnership. I have never seen a relationship with an addict so far that provides any of those things consistently.
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Old 03-09-2017, 10:34 AM
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You guys are so awesome to get insight from! Nobody understands better than those that have experienced it.

After a few days of arguing, my husband is back to being Mr. Perfect (he had to go to work early and literally left cute notes for all 3 of us this morning guys....), however still has no plan to address sustained success with alcohol. He is busy at work and was sick also so didn't even go to his usual meeting. Isn't it times like this that he really SHOULD be going to meetings?! When he is stressed and busy, etc?! Grrrr. I try to keep that at the forefront of my mind as that is the priority, no matter how he is acting.
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Old 03-09-2017, 12:42 PM
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I'll tell you a little bit of my story. My AH was an angry drunk. Never really physical but verbal. I left my AH a couple of different times. Once for about a week, another time for a couple of months. Things progressively got worse, as most cases do. Things came to a head one day (very, very bad) and myself along with my kids had to leave the house for our safety. I just couldn't do it another day.

He moved out and got a place of his own so we could return to the house. I had no contact with him for quite a while. Unbeknownst to me, he started AA. He attended meetings every single day. We started talking again and did eventually reconcile but we continued to live apart for several months. He knew that he needed to concentrate on his recovery and nothing else. I also needed to work on mine.

I say all this because I want you to see that just because you move out doesn't mean it is over. I will say, I was entirely ready to call it quits. If your husband truly works on recovery, you have the rest of your life to be together. If he doesn't understand that you and the kids are hurt by his actions, do you really want to be with him?
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Old 03-09-2017, 12:44 PM
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When I was struggling w/ending things, someone here said to me "sure, it's hard to end things when you still have feelings for him, but is it really better to wait until you hate him to leave?"

It was a much-needed slap in the head for me.

And when I wondered if XAH was actually in recovery or just faking it again, another wise member here wrote this:

We live on a lake and have ospreys and eagles that come 'round. When they are on the hunt, there is NO doubt about their intentions...they hover above, they swoop and swirl and then DIVE after their prey. It is magnificent and silent. They have a purpose and have no NEED to announce their plan. They are unconcerned with the world around them....for the eagle there is always the attendant "murder" of crows, dive bombing, harassing, relentless...they are honed in on their goal.

Recovery is the osprey, tucking its wing in close to its body, a missile now, a projectile diving in a straight line towards the water, seeing beneath the surface to the fish.


So when you wonder about your AH and his recovery, ask yourself if this is what you see him doing.

And regardless of whether he does it or not, you can do it--in fact, you need to do it.
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