Poppet35

So she stopped the ciggies today. It's been vile so far - she didn't get enough sleep and she's in one crappy mood and treating me miserably.

So she wants to be able to opt in and opt out of day to day family stuff depending on how she is feeling whilst she quits. Now in theory this sounds easy but I'm not getting it right.

If i suggest meals it's wrong, if I don't organise anything it's wrong, if I suggest something it's me trying to control things but if there is nothing to eat that's wrong too.

So any ideas - how do I pull this off?

I'm also faced with her saying she's going to do what makes her happy (which is good) and take what she needs whilst all the time she's barely speaking civilly to me and I pretty much seem to be annoying her with my presence.

I know I need to hold my head high and do my own thing but I wanted to support her in this - but this is going to be hard whilst she's in this dreadful frame of mind.

I lost all my positivity a few weeks ago in response to the unhappiness and I am trying to pull it all back together but I'm struggling. How do I do my own thing and keep my positivity and keep myself together whilst I try and help her in the way she wishes.

How do I do this? Getting very lost and very confused. I know I need to back off but I need to do it in a way that doesn't look like I don't care (despite her behaviour indicating that she really doesn't care how I feel).

What's currently happening is triggering everything in me, I'm tiptoeing, I'm agreeing, I'm trying to mollify, I'm trying to fix, I'm crying, I'm making a right royal mess, I'm doing things that is making things worse, I can;t focus on my happiness or mental health, I'm obsessing. How do I stop the triggers?

Ariesagain

As you have been told over and over, you can't fix her stuff.

This is particularly true because she doesn't want to be fixed, she wants to be miserable and she wants it always to be your fault. If you had magical powers to make her quit smoking with the wave of your wand that still wouldn't please her, because the smoking isn't the point. Making you suffer is.

Take yourself and the kids out of there for two weeks. See how well she gives up an addiction when there's no one else there to blame.

AnvilheadII

the world does not STOP when a person decides to quit smoking. this is what her 35th attempt?

i don't know how we can get through to you - no one should have to twist themselves into a pretzel trying to mollify a partner, day after day, year after year.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED. not.one.thing. i'm sure i could go find a previous post of yours with almost the exact same wording. where your life is downright miserable trying to make HER happy. it has never worked, it never will work.

yup here we go: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6067712

and again: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6166887

SparkleKitty

Poppet, it's been demonstrated time and time again that literally nothing is good enough for her. And we are here to tell you that it has nothing to do with you, isn't your problem to fix, and there are no magic words or actions that will change the reality of this situation.

LexieCat

Yes, Poppet, what you're asking us to help with is pretty much as impossible as what she's asking you to do.

As long as you're in this relationship this will be your life. Ideally, you and your kids would leave.

How about backing off and not worrying about how it "looks" to her? Get out of the line of fire. Quit worrying about "supporting" her. Your "support" hasn't changed anything in the past, has it?

dandylion

poppett.....How do you stop the triggers? You can't because you are sitting right in the middle of them. Around the clock--24/7.

This relationship will destroy you, if you continue to let it.....

atalose

The way she wishes? From the sound of it she wishes you were not even there.

You stop doing HER thing, you stop tiptoeing around her, stop agreeing with every whim she has and you try and see that living this way is no way to live.

When people pull away from codependents, codependents cling tighter and hold on for dear life – strangling the life out of the one they love pushing them farther and farther away.

hopeful4

Pop....is there ever a time that she does not act miserable? Is there ever a time that she does not act as though she is barely tolerating you?

I don't say this to be unkind. I say it b/c that is the trend through all of your posts. It's hurtful to live like that.

I have been on the dealing and receiving end of this honestly. At the end of my marriage, I was literally so unhappy that I could not tolerate being around my XAH. Anything he did just set me off. He could do nothing right, I could do nothing right.

Now, he was drinking and acting horrible part of the time, and trying to be all nicey nice the other part of the time, so the emotional roller coaster was very real.

At some point you have to just ask yourself, am I getting anything out of this relationship that is good. Do I feel better about myself being with this person? Do they bring me happiness and support me no matter what?

I think you are a great person who deserves peace and happiness friend.

Poppet35

I have been trying to avoid trying to fix her stuff and instead to offer my support and the tell her odd way in which I dealt with our past relationship mess in case that might help her. She is stuck in a mire of misery and I’ve pointed this out because unless she gets out of this negativity she’s going to be stuck there and detest everyone around her.

I re-read the posts you linked to AnvilHeadii and yes nothing has changed. She’s doing exactly the same thing she has done our entire relationship, and I’ve fallen into the trap of doing the exact same thing recently too – I have been striving to not do this, to do things differently to let it not get to me.

The question in one of the posts is why don’t I take responsibility for me and why I’m still putting up with this? – I’m writing this question down and I think it’s time I answered it.

I know I have to hold my head up and let her whinge and moan and flail and just do something for me. Nothing I do is going to change how she currently feels about me and her life and nothing I do is making anything better.

Having had a wee meltdown (when I originally wrote this) I’ve had a walk in the fresh air and have steeled myself to back off. To leave her to herself this evening, to let her deal with her not smoking to get on and do all the things I need to do in my life and leave her to do hers. Starting with a haircut tomorrow am! I can do this!

I have been very determined, despite her behaviour recently, to not let her get to me. I’m a bit ground down but I will not let this destroy me.

She definitely wishes she was anywhere but near me and tbh I wish I didn’t have to currently be anywhere near her, or deal with her, or even see her. Right – I need to get my head back into my co-depend no more book and beat this. I have done so well at not doing all the things I’ve fallen into the trap of doing in the last few days again. I want my life back. This is the thing tho – I say this and I know I’ve said this to you guys before – but I haven’t done it have i.

Generally speaking Hopeful4 she is miserable – when she isn’t she’s pretending (that’s what I’ve learned recently) she’s miserable with herself, with her life, with me, with our family, with her health, anything and everything annoys her. She’s always been pedantic and a little intolerant and that has increased 100fold recently. Currently she can’t bring herself to tolerate me and I think when she has recently she’s been pretending or trying super hard. She is so unhappy with her life/our life and she blames me. In her eyes I caused all this and despite my attempts to make things better between us she can’t forget.

Currently – I get nothing from this relationship (and perhaps haven't for a long time) – 3/4 weeks ago I was happy and thought we were moving forward (I was wrong). I feel a worse person when she’s like this – I can’t concentrate, I’m feeble and pathetic and I don’t do anything good for myself. She doesn’t bring me happiness, and today and I’m not convinced she would support me if I got sick. She’s so wrapped up in herself. I told her to take time for herself but I didn’t expect a backlash of being made invisible and neglected.

Berrybean

Sounds like there are 2 issues here...

1) your codependency

2) she's not really very pleasant to be around

As for number one, yes, that Codependency No More book is fab. Worth reading and rereading, but recovery needs to be a program of action. If knowledge was enough we'd just stop it wouldn't we. Is there a CoDa group near you that you could access, and actually work a program of recovery? Or Celebrate Recovery if you happen to be Christian?

With regards to number 2, you can't change her. But perhaps you could work on some boundaries that you can explain to her and stick to, perhaps based on what is reasonable, fair and kind treatment of any human being, and what you intend to do if she neglects to follow those basic principles of respect and civility. It might just be that you will remove yourself and the children from her vicinity. It might be something more drastic (not necessarily though). I work with some fairly stroppy teens and if they come to my lessons giving me verbal abuse I will ask them in a firm but kindly tone whether I have done something to upset them. Often that is enough to make them rethink and apologise. If not I explain that they are being unfair and unkind, and that I don't think that I deserve to be spoken to that way, and that they know where I am if they need to talk properly. Then I back off and give them some space to think about it. It may be that your wife, like my young scallywags, doesn't even realise how vile she's being because she's completely wrapped up in her own tsunami of emotions. Perhaps a calm, rehearsed and standardised response will help more than you trying to make sense of her crazy head (I suspect you're on a hiding to nothing with that strategy ).

Good luck. It sounds like you need it. BB

Poppet35

Thank you. This is what I don't do. I don't ever tell her not to treat me this way or speak to me like she does. I don't stand up for myself and I have weak boundaries and regularly cross them. Co dependency book is coming out again tonight and there are meetings near but it would go down like a lead balloon if I asked her to mind the kids whilst I go because she doesn't believe in all this mumbo jumbo as she calls it. So I'm trying to do it by myself and I have made progress but have slipped back in the last day or so.

AnvilheadII

why not just END IT? she's miserable, you're miserable, the kids must be miserable.

think of your children. what are they learning? they see how you two operate and they will likely model themselves after one of you - either as a miserable, narcissistic dominator - OR - as a miserable, sad subservient. they will never learn another way unless you cut a new path in life. they will think this is NORMAL. how it's done.

dandylion

poppet....take the children with you....or get someone else to watch them....

grow a back bone and say to her..."It is NOt mumbo-jumbo, and I would ask that you have some respect for the things that I value".....
Do not JADE,,,,Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

Berrybean

What you're saying is that it'll make no difference whatsoever to her mood or attitude if you go. Sounds like she's determined to sit around moaning with a face like a slapped arse whatever you do. You might as well just go. Nothing you do is going to please that woman tonight anyway. At least it'll get you out of the firing line.

You don't have to say that's where you're going anyway. Just say you need to see a friend. Everyone there are friends if it's a fellowship.

You do know that if you keep doing what you've always done then things will just be the same. If we want things to change, then we need to do things differently. ACTION.

PuzzledHeart

To quote from one of my favorite advice columnists, Dear Sugar: "Will you do it later or will you do it now?"

You've fought long and hard and ranted and railed against the truth that is in the guise of your extremely unhappy, morose, bitter partner. Your brain must be telling you to leave. I'm sure your loved ones have advised you to leave. And your kids, even though they may never say it, must be wishing to leave a house by your own description is filled with instability, anger and abuse. And if they don't, it's because that instability, anger and abuse is the only thing they've ever known.

I agree with Anvilhead
You want to build a home for your kids that is a shelter for them - not a place that they want to avoid. You want to be the author of the story where, in the face of abuse, you stand up, say "I'm not going to take this anymore" and you leave. You show them what courage means. You show them that you love them enough to take their feelings into consideration.

You talk about how she did this and she did that and how she got upset over something. Why do you stay? Is it because you moved there in the first place? Because you want your ex to believe that you're happy? Because you want to prove to others that you made the right decision in moving in with her in the first place?

This is going to sound very odd, but who cares what they think? They could all f%$# themselves up pine trees if their judgment, imagined or real, paralyzes you to the point of inaction. Don't manufacture shame for yourself because it won't do you a whit of good.

So will you leave later, or will you leave now?

Nata1980

Dear P

What got me out of the never ending loop is the good old interview question "where do you want to be in 5 years?"

This is when I knew.

Sad thing is that your kids don't have s choice. Set her free. Leave her to your own devices. You will never be supportive enough, kind enough. You will feel strength with every step you take in a direction always from this person.

I don't care if she is a goddess in bed, makes a million, or looks like a model. It does not matter. She sounds absolutely miserable to be around.

Be strong and leave - you are worth it

P.S My ex still calls me every day and tells me all about how he quit smoking. Again.

atalose

This right here is filled with contradiction……you try to avoid trying to fix her

BUT

Instead you offer support in telling her odd way in which you dealt with the relationship mess.

AND point out the misery she is stuck in.

Those actions are not really help but rather guilt and manipulation.

Did she ask you to support her in those ways? Did she ask you to point out to her, her own misery and negativity?

Telling someone who isn’t asking for help or support is you trying to force solutions to her issues.

aliciagr

BerryBean said what I was going to say: She doesnt sound pleasant to be around.

Especially if you are not seeing progress and hope for the future

Maybe someone already asked, but can you go somewhere else for a while, or can she? I took a little time apart from my husband and it helped me be able to think more clearly.

Poppet35

You are all making so much sense, altho i really hadn't realised offering support was guilt and manipulation. She says I don't support her so I was trying to help her when she asked. Ok she didn't need me to point out her negativity fully get that.

After a barrage from her at 2am when I was asleep I lay awake thinking about 2 things she said "I hate you (for something but can't remember what because I wasn't awake properly)" and "I want you to leave me" I have been sat thinking. I was very quiet when she got up and didn't really say anything except exchange pleasantries and I had to do some work (which never goes down well when we're in this place). I then told her that I was quiet because I was trying to digest what she said and how that had made me feel - I thought that working thru what she said and how I feel about it before speaking to her was the right course of action. She doesn't see it that way.

She's just suggested that she said she wanted me to leave her was to illicit a passionate response from me. And apparently me working out how I feel about the unpleasant things she said to me is us having to focus on my feelings all the time. Please tell me that me thinking about how her words have made me feel isn't a bad thing and that I shouldn't always be focussing on how her feeling the way she feels which leads her to say these things is what I should be focussing on - I shouldn't always be focussing on how she's feeling should i?

She told me she wants me to leave her. A strange calm has come over me. I know you guys think I should leave the house but seriously I have nowhere I can go. So instead having lain awake for hours I thought about what I wanted to say to her, and how I think we should separate - perhaps we can find a way to share the same house whilst living our own lives. I know this isn't a great plan but it's a step. I want to say this to her - but I can feel deep inside something stopping me, something that's afraid. The way she is towards me at the moment makes me wary of saying what I've just written, fearful of the reaction, the accusations, the "i knew you'd do this to me again" speech.

I stood up for myself last night - I told her she was being disrespectful towards me when she asked a question of me that turned into rude acusations. She shut up.

I think she hates me for not changing my surname back to my maiden name after I divorced and how I didn't understand how keeping my ex's name made her feel. Think me selfish but I believe that that is a personal choice and I have a right to make a decision that is right for me and my kids as I viewed it. But I've not said that to her but perhaps I should.

I need to find the courage to tell her that if she wants me to leave - she's got it - except I'm not leaving physically.

dandylion

Poppet....you are right, you should think of how you feel, and not focus on how she is feeling, all the time. That is a good step.
There is a saying...Say what you mean..mean what you say...but, don't say it mean.
And, resist the impulse to JADE...Justify...Argue...Defend...Explain. And, remember..."You don't have to attend every fight you are invited to"...lol