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Supporting my OH giving up smoking

Old 03-08-2017, 04:58 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Poppet....you are right, you should think of how you feel, and not focus on how she is feeling, all the time. That is a good step.
There is a saying...Say what you mean..mean what you say...but, don't say it mean.
And, resist the impulse to JADE...Justify...Argue...Defend...Explain. And, remember..."You don't have to attend every fight you are invited to"...lol
Thank you I thought I was going mad because whenever I talk about how her words ad actions have made me feel or I need to work out how they've made me feel I'm selfishly focussing on myself and not her feelings and why she said the things that hurt me. But last night was a bit of a wake up call - being roused at an ungodly hour to be ranted at is really not on.

I have been trying the last "You dont' have to attend every fight you're invited to" but she hates it when I do this. She thinks I'm ignoring her or making her wait. She's so wound up that simply doing anything illicits a bad response from her - If i'd spoken to her we'd have gone on the merrygoround again but because I didn't speak to her she's in a terrible mood.

I'm so afraid to speak to her later. I know she'll turn it all round on me.
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Old 03-08-2017, 04:59 AM
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This woman is a world-class word-twister/deflector. She has a future in the White House, lol.

Sharing a house with her while you "live your own lives" is not a realistic option when you're dealing with someone determined to make you miserable and blame you for whatever she doesn't like.

I'd suggest calling some women's shelters and see if they have any housing resources they can suggest. You ARE dealing with verbal/emotional abuse on a daily basis. This is horrible for you and your kids. Even if you had to live in a tiny place, on a shoestring budget, for a while, it would be temporary and I think the peace would well worth it.
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Old 03-08-2017, 05:03 AM
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She's addicted to being nasty to you and watching you grovel around trying to fix it. She's a bully. Full stop. Drunk, sober, smoking, not smoking. An abusive bully with a victimization complex.

THERE IS NOTHING YOU DID THAT CREATED THIS MONSTER.

But your actions are keeping it fed.

She told you she hates you. HATES YOU. And she wants you to move out. And you're still trying to figure out how to fix this????

Honey, it's broken. She's broken. Please, please figure out a way to get out of there. She's escalating the verbal abuse and who knows what follows.
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Old 03-08-2017, 05:25 AM
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There's the Brighton's Women's Centre and Rise in your area. Rise even has a helpline at 0300 323 9985.

Just explore your options. You don't have to make a commitment right then and there. You never know who will be willing to lend a helping hand.
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Old 03-08-2017, 05:32 AM
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Why on earth would you want to stay there physically?
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Old 03-08-2017, 05:33 AM
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Originally Posted by PuzzledHeart View Post
There's the Brighton's Women's Centre and Rise in your area. Rise even has a helpline at 0300 323 9985.

Just explore your options. You don't have to make a commitment right then and there. You never know who will be willing to lend a helping hand.
Bless you, thank you. I will google them and look into the help they ccan offer me. I really hope when we speak later that we can have a calm, rational and respectful discussion.
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Old 03-08-2017, 05:43 AM
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If you're predicating your plan of action on that discussion, calm and rational or not, you're still basing your life on how she reacts to things.

Make a plan that has zero to do with her. Otherwise, it's just more of the same. And the longer this goes on the less able you are to see it.
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Old 03-08-2017, 06:04 AM
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Yeah, I wouldn't expect "calm, rational and respectful" from her. She hasn't got that to give. She will most likely act like she always does--blame you.
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Old 03-08-2017, 06:43 AM
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This "The things I said last night are because you won't ever release me from my feelings." How do I deal with this. How do i release her from her feelings?
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Old 03-08-2017, 07:04 AM
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You CAN'T.

Which part of "you can't fix her" are you not grasping?
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Old 03-08-2017, 07:14 AM
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Only SHE can release herself from her feelings, Poppet!

And only YOU can release yourself from yours.

Attempting to break up but still live in the same physical space is a terrible, terrible idea. One of you has to go, or you will be caught up in this abusive and manipulative cycle forever.
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Old 03-08-2017, 07:19 AM
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I hate you (for something but can't remember what because I wasn't awake properly)" and "I want you to leave me"

Believe her. She wants out. I think her behaviour is as bad as possible to make you go and up to now you weren't getting it. I hope you can formulate an quick exit plan that doesn't involve discussion with her and get yo u and your kids out of that environment.
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Old 03-08-2017, 07:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Poppet35 View Post
I have been trying the last "You dont' have to attend every fight you're invited to" but she hates it when I do this.
So?

Are you saying you'd rather be in a fight in order to make her happy - which she won't be anyway?
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Old 03-08-2017, 07:48 AM
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Poppet....one basic principle about relationships, that I especially remember, as written about in "Co-dependent No More"....is this.....
Whenever a rescuer enables a person that they shouldn't---eventually, it gets turned around, so that, the enabler become the victim and the one that was enabled becomes the perpetrator....

I think that I see that at play in your relationship---you have become the victim, and she is the perpetrator.....as Airesagain said...she is a bully and you are feeding it....bigtime.....
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Old 03-08-2017, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by TimeForMe View Post
So?

Are you saying you'd rather be in a fight in order to make her happy - which she won't be anyway?
Oh no definitely not - I'm holding my ground on this one and not being drawn in. Calmly telling her I need time to think and then I'm happy to talk calmly. I have some issues about leaving things be and especially after she has a few drinks.
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Old 03-08-2017, 08:12 AM
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A few days ago we had a calm discussion and I said to her that only she has the power to deal with how she feels about me and our past together and to prevent the old hurts and resentments from surfacing all the time and she agreed. She was honest and said she didn't know how and was worried it would take a long time.

I have tried to draw away and not play into her hands of agreeing when she says im to blame - of course I played my part as did she.

I know I can't fix her hence saying it's in her power to fix her feelings. I didnt' think I could release her from her feelings - I didn't even know what she meant. I released myself from past resentments about whats happened and it took thought and time for me and a bit of talking to myself but I did it.

I have my co-dependency book next to me now with the hope to start reading again tonight.

I have seen that I'm feeding this monster and that is why I've started to withdraw and not give in and not give her what she seems to want. Nothing I say helps and we go round in circles and she won't accept any kindness from me.

After last night these are my thoughts: I don't see how, or why I should bend over backwards to show someone I love them knowing that they don't love me and also that they now hate me. Why would I do that?
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Old 03-08-2017, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Poppet35 View Post
I don't see how, or why I should bend over backwards to show someone I love them knowing that they don't love me and also that they now hate me. Why would I do that?
This is an excellent question. Until I actively participated in finding the answer to that question for myself, I just kept having the same disastrous relationships over and over again. Taking time out from outside relationships to focus on building a strong relationship with MYSELF is the only thing that broke the cycle.
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Old 03-08-2017, 08:21 AM
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Exactly.

Why do you think you still love her? Because when you first met you got along?

That was years ago, yes? Since then she has been spiteful, selfish, self-centered, morose, cruel, demanding, abusive, an utter drag to have around and you're far happier when she's gone.

Anyone can be delightful in the first flush of infatuation. It's who shows up after that's the real person.

She is who she is. Now. What are you going to do to get away from this?
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Old 03-08-2017, 08:21 AM
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So instead having lain awake for hours I thought about what I wanted to say to her, and how I think we should separate - perhaps we can find a way to share the same house whilst living our own lives. I know this isn't a great plan but it's a step.
No, it’s not a step it’s just a continuation of your codependency holding on to someone who doesn’t want to be held.

All of this time is when you should have “detached” from her while living in the same house and all of this time you have been unable to do so.

You thinking about and possibly suggesting sharing a home while trying to live separate lives is a very bad and disturbing idea.
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Old 03-08-2017, 09:50 AM
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there is NO POINT in attempting to TALK this out with her. you can't get thru to her, she is not listening to you because she does not respect you. give up trying to figure out how to say anything to her.

it's like you two speak different languages. yet you keep trying to talk to her and all she hears is "blah blah blah, yada yada".

this situation is not fixable. it's BROKEN. i don't understand why you so desperately hang on to someone who demonstrates such complete and utter disdain for you.
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