Offers of Truth
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
A few other tips for testifying. Make sure you understand the question before you answer. If you don't understand it, say so. The lawyer will have to rephrase it (this goes for both lawyers). If you aren't sure, don't guess. Say you aren't sure. If you are asked to estimate, then estimate, but make it clear you are estimating.
Don't volunteer more information than the question asks for. It might seem like a good idea, but often your lawyer will want to bring out only certain information. If you volunteer more than was asked, you might be "opening the door" to evidence your lawyer would rather keep out of the case (and that wouldn't otherwise have been admissible). If you volunteer information on cross-examination the other lawyer can object and have it stricken. Or you might otherwise hurt your case. If more information needs to come out, your lawyer can ask you on re-direct.
Just keep your wits about you and make sure you know what you're testifying to.
Don't volunteer more information than the question asks for. It might seem like a good idea, but often your lawyer will want to bring out only certain information. If you volunteer more than was asked, you might be "opening the door" to evidence your lawyer would rather keep out of the case (and that wouldn't otherwise have been admissible). If you volunteer information on cross-examination the other lawyer can object and have it stricken. Or you might otherwise hurt your case. If more information needs to come out, your lawyer can ask you on re-direct.
Just keep your wits about you and make sure you know what you're testifying to.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Hi,
I'm not sure which is the best way to do it! I didn't know until today there was another way of doing it , instead of me testifying. Quite a curve ball on the eve of the hearing! My lawyer is suggesting it be done that way, because all that's in dispute is the properties, and who get what. He says it's very simple, just everything spilt 50-50, whether that by selling everything and splitting the proceeds or your AH buying you out. I really don't know what to do!! I don't want to screw myself either!
Z
I'm not sure which is the best way to do it! I didn't know until today there was another way of doing it , instead of me testifying. Quite a curve ball on the eve of the hearing! My lawyer is suggesting it be done that way, because all that's in dispute is the properties, and who get what. He says it's very simple, just everything spilt 50-50, whether that by selling everything and splitting the proceeds or your AH buying you out. I really don't know what to do!! I don't want to screw myself either!
Z
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, you're hearing about it, most likely, because it isn't commonly done. My guess is that his lawyer proposed it because your ex will come off as a jerk. Your lawyer is probably fine with it because, based on his experience, you're likely to get an even split either way. And sometimes it's possible to talk yourself right out of a good result on the stand.
So both sides are sort of hedging their bets. Nobody can tell you for sure whether one or the other would be better, and there's really no way to know. If you will be kicking yourself for the next few years because you didn't have your say in court, then maybe you should do it. In all likelihood, though, your lawyer has a good take on it.
So both sides are sort of hedging their bets. Nobody can tell you for sure whether one or the other would be better, and there's really no way to know. If you will be kicking yourself for the next few years because you didn't have your say in court, then maybe you should do it. In all likelihood, though, your lawyer has a good take on it.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
One other consideration--testimony takes a lot longer than submitting on the papers, and you will be paying for that lawyer time in court (which is the most expensive time--court time). So that might factor into your decision, too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Z: Some quick thoughts. First, what this probably means in your context is that, instead of you and AH testifying, your lawyer and his lawyer will offer a summary of what each of your testimony will be. Your lawyer should still be able to point out inaccuracies in AHs testimony. Second, nobody on this forum can tell you whether this is good or bad. We simply don't have the context to offer an opinion on that. But, your attorney obviously thinks it is a good thing so that should give you some confidence. There is a high probability that he has good reasons for this approach. Third, this approach will likely save you some money and reduce tensions in the room, both of which are positives. Fourth, I'd suggest you try to meet with your lawyer before the hearing so that you better understand the strategy and so that you fully communicate your expectations and goals to him. Fifth, get some rest tonight. Sixth, good luck!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Hi All,
It's done. I got through the day! Not sure how the judge will decide on things. My lawyer did a good job! Made it clear this was a long term marriage, and properties should be spilt 50-50. None of this exchanging a piece of land for my equity in our home.
My lawyer did most of the talking, but asked the judge a few times if I could clarify things. She allowed it so I talked, and then my AH lawyer cross examined me.
Not sure how it will go! It doesn't matter, it's in the judges hands, and I don't have to do this again.
My AH didn't talk at all!!
I found this very interesting. My AH looked horrible!! Very grey and thin, a lot of muscle wasting! I think it's the nurse in me! LOL!
My AH brought his new girlfriend! I brought my sister, her husband and my best girlfriend.
Everytime I talked to clarify something, my AH girlfriend started almost yelling, quietly at my sister, stating I was lying!! The whole time she was talking under her breath.
Also my AH, was shaking so badly, he had trouble pouring the water on his table. He had 4 glasses of water in under 3hrs.
Again, I'm home, surrounded by my 2 dogs, and just feel all this stuff oozing out of me!! I'm not sure how I feel?
Thank you all for helping me get through all this!! It's been really rough!
Also, I think I saw today first hand that alcoholism truely is a progressive disease. No one escapes it!! The change in my AHin 1 year was hard to see, but as a nurse, I would say his days are numbered!
Again, I'm rambling!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
Z
It's done. I got through the day! Not sure how the judge will decide on things. My lawyer did a good job! Made it clear this was a long term marriage, and properties should be spilt 50-50. None of this exchanging a piece of land for my equity in our home.
My lawyer did most of the talking, but asked the judge a few times if I could clarify things. She allowed it so I talked, and then my AH lawyer cross examined me.
Not sure how it will go! It doesn't matter, it's in the judges hands, and I don't have to do this again.
My AH didn't talk at all!!
I found this very interesting. My AH looked horrible!! Very grey and thin, a lot of muscle wasting! I think it's the nurse in me! LOL!
My AH brought his new girlfriend! I brought my sister, her husband and my best girlfriend.
Everytime I talked to clarify something, my AH girlfriend started almost yelling, quietly at my sister, stating I was lying!! The whole time she was talking under her breath.
Also my AH, was shaking so badly, he had trouble pouring the water on his table. He had 4 glasses of water in under 3hrs.
Again, I'm home, surrounded by my 2 dogs, and just feel all this stuff oozing out of me!! I'm not sure how I feel?
Thank you all for helping me get through all this!! It's been really rough!
Also, I think I saw today first hand that alcoholism truely is a progressive disease. No one escapes it!! The change in my AHin 1 year was hard to see, but as a nurse, I would say his days are numbered!
Again, I'm rambling!! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!
Z
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You're one brave cookie. I'm so glad it went well and most importantly, that it's over.
He brought his mouthy girlfriend to a divorce hearing? That's...tasteful. His lawyer must be spitting nails.
Sending you a hug, superstar...
He brought his mouthy girlfriend to a divorce hearing? That's...tasteful. His lawyer must be spitting nails.
Sending you a hug, superstar...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yay! I was sure it would go fine once you were in there. Sounds like your lawyer definitely knows his stuff.
You know, his g/f probably thinks you are being awful to him. I remember buying a lot of the stuff my ex told me about his ex-wife (the guy I'm talking about wasn't an alcoholic). By the time I left him I had a pretty good idea of why she left him and why he sort of fell apart once she was out of the picture--I think she was all that kept his ship afloat for as long as it was. But your ex's new g/f will have to learn the hard way, just like you did. I agree, he doesn't sound at ALL well.
You know, his g/f probably thinks you are being awful to him. I remember buying a lot of the stuff my ex told me about his ex-wife (the guy I'm talking about wasn't an alcoholic). By the time I left him I had a pretty good idea of why she left him and why he sort of fell apart once she was out of the picture--I think she was all that kept his ship afloat for as long as it was. But your ex's new g/f will have to learn the hard way, just like you did. I agree, he doesn't sound at ALL well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 299
Thank you all
Hi,
I thank all of you for your support and advice. It made a difficult time much easier!!!
I feel like I can finally breathe, and actually feel my breath! My life started again yesterday!
My lawyer texted me this morning to tell me he thought I did a good job with my testimony. Also, he said he was surprised my AH lawyer had so few objections to the division of things. He said she really lacked passion. He was surprised she didn't explain to the court a little bit about my AH, like he did me, what he contributed to the marriage. Also he was surprised that she didn't ask my AH to speak or answer any questions like me! My lawyer thought it was a very telling statement. Not that it will make a difference to the outcome.
Talk about validation! I don't think I'll ever have all my what ifs or questions of why answered.
But yesterday gave me the validation that I truely didn't do anything wrong, I wasn't to blame for this, as my AH always blamed me for everything!
All anyone had to do was take one look at him, and disease was written all over his face! And the anger his gf had! Not sure where all that came from!
The whole thing is really sad! But for the first time, I think I really see it for what it is!!
I needed this sense of closure.
It's funny, I'm no longer angry at my AH. I think I'm almost ready to forgive myself for the choices I made.
As everyone said on this forum, my AH isn't getting the best part of anything, even though it appears that way!! I didn't realize at the time, but that is so true!!
My AH 's disease has certainly progressed!!
You can have all the money in the world, but if you don't have your health, it's worthless!
Z
I thank all of you for your support and advice. It made a difficult time much easier!!!
I feel like I can finally breathe, and actually feel my breath! My life started again yesterday!
My lawyer texted me this morning to tell me he thought I did a good job with my testimony. Also, he said he was surprised my AH lawyer had so few objections to the division of things. He said she really lacked passion. He was surprised she didn't explain to the court a little bit about my AH, like he did me, what he contributed to the marriage. Also he was surprised that she didn't ask my AH to speak or answer any questions like me! My lawyer thought it was a very telling statement. Not that it will make a difference to the outcome.
Talk about validation! I don't think I'll ever have all my what ifs or questions of why answered.
But yesterday gave me the validation that I truely didn't do anything wrong, I wasn't to blame for this, as my AH always blamed me for everything!
All anyone had to do was take one look at him, and disease was written all over his face! And the anger his gf had! Not sure where all that came from!
The whole thing is really sad! But for the first time, I think I really see it for what it is!!
I needed this sense of closure.
It's funny, I'm no longer angry at my AH. I think I'm almost ready to forgive myself for the choices I made.
As everyone said on this forum, my AH isn't getting the best part of anything, even though it appears that way!! I didn't realize at the time, but that is so true!!
My AH 's disease has certainly progressed!!
You can have all the money in the world, but if you don't have your health, it's worthless!
Z
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think this is the most "up" I've ever seen you, Z! I'm glad you are feeling like the hearing gave you closure. There will always be loose ends, but those will be much less noticeable or troublesome with time.
The future is calling you!
The future is calling you!
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