Coming out of the Fog…
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 26
Coming out of the Fog…
On Friday, I ran into my XABF at the Drs Office.
I haven’t seen him nor spoken with him since early December.
As I walked into the office I saw him sitting there in the waiting room. Ugh… it was inevitable to have a chance meeting somewhere… at some point… It’s a smallish town.
He wasn’t facing me so I had a good opportunity to just turn around and leave or try and go un noticed. Instead… and I don’t know how I managed to do it but, I went right up to him and said “ Hey, Hi… how are you?” and smiled. Lol… it was quite funny as he clutched his heart and jumped a mile… Lol… and it did make us both laugh. It felt good to get the tension over with and not hold a grudge and not hide behind the pillar so to speak. It was a moment of strength for me and I truly felt spiritually ‘nudged’ to do it.
Back story -December-
After the original 2 breakups with my XABF I continued to be a friend and a support to him. Very aware of not enabling him at the same time. I guess I was just someone to send endless text messages to so he felt connected in some way. (doh- that is enabling ‘light version’) Some friends with benefits going on… (S…T…U…P...I…D ) -Keeping the attachment going even by a thread. We did socialise together on many occasions up until December and I totally enjoyed his company. I kept him at a distance but I guess subconsciously (maybe not so subconsciously) I thought he would decide to get better and we would continue with getting back to our relationship. (so many of these stories on here!) So this was my inner desire but I kept it pretty well to myself.
So to speed up another lengthy story…
My XABF had the epiphany I was waiting for! Yep he did!... He had an event in his life which he said ‘Changed’ him… he felt magically healed from his past and from this day forward he wanted to see me every day. He professed how much he loved me and has always loved me. How lucky he was that I was still there for him and with him. He told me he loved me in front of his whole family. He would not take this for granted anymore. He was going to turn his life around…. Oh YEAH… did I get sucked into that right there!... I was all goo in his hands… woo hoo… see my situation was really unique… I knew it! We had a great week together….. LOL… yep a week… what a d’head…
After this great week… his family went back home (overseas)¬ -they were visiting. I got a text message the night before and that morning they left… ‘Hun this’ and ‘Hun that’... I love you… hearts all over the place…etc.
Then nothing…. That evening I sent a message.. . ‘ R U ok?’ The messages were not really returned as normal and I could tell he was probably drinking his sorrows away… the goodbyes at the airport were probably a big trigger for him… not probably… it was. It was so understandable to be upset.
Without going into all the he said, I said… the end of the story was him saying… ‘Sorry, I must be a bad person” I said come on… don’t get all dramatic… and had a laugh… he says. “ no really I am a bad person. I don’t know what I want.’
Well that was it… I told him point blank… You’ve got a problem. Something he already knows anyway… You’re an alcoholic and alcoholics use people, lie, manipulate and hurt people. I’ve had enough. (sorry but this was my experience with him)
I asked him to return my belongs that were at his place and he did the following day.
I was so side blinded how quickly it all fell to pieces and how did I not see that coming… I fell hook line and sinker. And sadly I think he just wanted his family to see that he must be good enough and together enough to have a nice girlfriend by his side… what BS.
Anyway that is the summation of our last dance…
I’ve had 3 months of absolute heartache over the loss of a friendship and a possibility of something more. Even after all the reading on here… seeing the same story over and over with different characters and plots… still the Co-dependency issues are so real. I had the problem of me to deal with. He showed me who he was over and over… I had the problem of not letting go. I bargained with myself that I can still have him in my life as a ‘friend’. I wanted to hang on to the relationship as well to avoid the natural pain that comes with detaching from a love connection. These 3 months of NO contact have been very valuable to me and so necessary to emerge from the fog… gotta do that slow drift back to the light… learning again that only I can find my happiness and I needed to focus on seeing things more clearly and realistically.
After our meeting at the Drs office. (We had a great conversation a real catch up and we laughed and parted on very good terms.) That was an issue I hated the most. I didn’t like leaving things badly or immaturely. I got to end that relationship the way my heart needed to… even after 3 months… it was my closure I feel was a gift to me… (I left feeling…All is well… you live your life… no hard feelings… I am me and you are you… best wishes) I felt a slight longing for him but my rational brain took over thankfully!
The clincher to this story and another thing I NEEDED to see was soooo interesting!... After the Drs. I ran a few errands and stopped off at the grocery store- just a quick run in to get some essentials…. Well… well, well… as I was pulling in the parking lot… WHO did I see scurrying to his car with a case of beer and cast of wine?... I swear it was like seeing Gollum from the Lord of the Rings… he was all hunched over scurrying to his car with his heavy load and creepily looking over his shoulder… we both looked at each other and I just grinned… like… Hi AGAIN…. eeek talk about an awkward moment. BUT… that set me straight. SEEing that was so important for me to keep a clear head. Stay focused ahead not backwards. Didn’t see him for 3 months… now twice in one day… thank you High power for that… the universe really does work for us and shows us what we need and do not need.
As others say on here over and over… Nothing changes if nothing Changes…
I hope this story saves someone else from the magical thinking that your story is unique… that by you staying in a relationship with someone who is actively using very rarely ends well. NO Contact is protecting your heart from injury and try your best to go through the pain of letting go at the start… too many of us on here have tried and tried and end up shattered.
Anyone else had a coming out to the fog story recently?
I haven’t seen him nor spoken with him since early December.
As I walked into the office I saw him sitting there in the waiting room. Ugh… it was inevitable to have a chance meeting somewhere… at some point… It’s a smallish town.
He wasn’t facing me so I had a good opportunity to just turn around and leave or try and go un noticed. Instead… and I don’t know how I managed to do it but, I went right up to him and said “ Hey, Hi… how are you?” and smiled. Lol… it was quite funny as he clutched his heart and jumped a mile… Lol… and it did make us both laugh. It felt good to get the tension over with and not hold a grudge and not hide behind the pillar so to speak. It was a moment of strength for me and I truly felt spiritually ‘nudged’ to do it.
Back story -December-
After the original 2 breakups with my XABF I continued to be a friend and a support to him. Very aware of not enabling him at the same time. I guess I was just someone to send endless text messages to so he felt connected in some way. (doh- that is enabling ‘light version’) Some friends with benefits going on… (S…T…U…P...I…D ) -Keeping the attachment going even by a thread. We did socialise together on many occasions up until December and I totally enjoyed his company. I kept him at a distance but I guess subconsciously (maybe not so subconsciously) I thought he would decide to get better and we would continue with getting back to our relationship. (so many of these stories on here!) So this was my inner desire but I kept it pretty well to myself.
So to speed up another lengthy story…
My XABF had the epiphany I was waiting for! Yep he did!... He had an event in his life which he said ‘Changed’ him… he felt magically healed from his past and from this day forward he wanted to see me every day. He professed how much he loved me and has always loved me. How lucky he was that I was still there for him and with him. He told me he loved me in front of his whole family. He would not take this for granted anymore. He was going to turn his life around…. Oh YEAH… did I get sucked into that right there!... I was all goo in his hands… woo hoo… see my situation was really unique… I knew it! We had a great week together….. LOL… yep a week… what a d’head…
After this great week… his family went back home (overseas)¬ -they were visiting. I got a text message the night before and that morning they left… ‘Hun this’ and ‘Hun that’... I love you… hearts all over the place…etc.
Then nothing…. That evening I sent a message.. . ‘ R U ok?’ The messages were not really returned as normal and I could tell he was probably drinking his sorrows away… the goodbyes at the airport were probably a big trigger for him… not probably… it was. It was so understandable to be upset.
Without going into all the he said, I said… the end of the story was him saying… ‘Sorry, I must be a bad person” I said come on… don’t get all dramatic… and had a laugh… he says. “ no really I am a bad person. I don’t know what I want.’
Well that was it… I told him point blank… You’ve got a problem. Something he already knows anyway… You’re an alcoholic and alcoholics use people, lie, manipulate and hurt people. I’ve had enough. (sorry but this was my experience with him)
I asked him to return my belongs that were at his place and he did the following day.
I was so side blinded how quickly it all fell to pieces and how did I not see that coming… I fell hook line and sinker. And sadly I think he just wanted his family to see that he must be good enough and together enough to have a nice girlfriend by his side… what BS.
Anyway that is the summation of our last dance…
I’ve had 3 months of absolute heartache over the loss of a friendship and a possibility of something more. Even after all the reading on here… seeing the same story over and over with different characters and plots… still the Co-dependency issues are so real. I had the problem of me to deal with. He showed me who he was over and over… I had the problem of not letting go. I bargained with myself that I can still have him in my life as a ‘friend’. I wanted to hang on to the relationship as well to avoid the natural pain that comes with detaching from a love connection. These 3 months of NO contact have been very valuable to me and so necessary to emerge from the fog… gotta do that slow drift back to the light… learning again that only I can find my happiness and I needed to focus on seeing things more clearly and realistically.
After our meeting at the Drs office. (We had a great conversation a real catch up and we laughed and parted on very good terms.) That was an issue I hated the most. I didn’t like leaving things badly or immaturely. I got to end that relationship the way my heart needed to… even after 3 months… it was my closure I feel was a gift to me… (I left feeling…All is well… you live your life… no hard feelings… I am me and you are you… best wishes) I felt a slight longing for him but my rational brain took over thankfully!
The clincher to this story and another thing I NEEDED to see was soooo interesting!... After the Drs. I ran a few errands and stopped off at the grocery store- just a quick run in to get some essentials…. Well… well, well… as I was pulling in the parking lot… WHO did I see scurrying to his car with a case of beer and cast of wine?... I swear it was like seeing Gollum from the Lord of the Rings… he was all hunched over scurrying to his car with his heavy load and creepily looking over his shoulder… we both looked at each other and I just grinned… like… Hi AGAIN…. eeek talk about an awkward moment. BUT… that set me straight. SEEing that was so important for me to keep a clear head. Stay focused ahead not backwards. Didn’t see him for 3 months… now twice in one day… thank you High power for that… the universe really does work for us and shows us what we need and do not need.
As others say on here over and over… Nothing changes if nothing Changes…
I hope this story saves someone else from the magical thinking that your story is unique… that by you staying in a relationship with someone who is actively using very rarely ends well. NO Contact is protecting your heart from injury and try your best to go through the pain of letting go at the start… too many of us on here have tried and tried and end up shattered.
Anyone else had a coming out to the fog story recently?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Frazzled.....I like the way you put it..."slow drift back to the light"....that is so descriptive....
May I have your permission to use it...?
I am not in your particular situation...but, I really appreciate your story....
so well told, also!
May I have your permission to use it...?
I am not in your particular situation...but, I really appreciate your story....
so well told, also!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Oh thank the gods. Right up until the Gollum moment I was cringing, worrying you were going to get enmeshed again...but there it was. Whew.
The birds are singing, the sun is warming the earth, and you have moved on.
Hooray!!!
The birds are singing, the sun is warming the earth, and you have moved on.
Hooray!!!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
2Frazzled I really enjoyed reading your story, and it was made even better by the ending. It was like the universe was giving you both sides of the scales in one day...a friendly meeting, followed by a reminder that it can never be more that that.
As do use people, but I bet he was just ashamed about his fast relapse when he 'dropped' you. Probably the enjoyment of having his family there kept him motivated, but the reality of seeing them go pulled him back into old habits. Not a real recovery at all because it failed at the first challenge.
As do use people, but I bet he was just ashamed about his fast relapse when he 'dropped' you. Probably the enjoyment of having his family there kept him motivated, but the reality of seeing them go pulled him back into old habits. Not a real recovery at all because it failed at the first challenge.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 26
Ariesagain and FeelingGreat - thanks for your replies xx
The birds are singing, the sun is warming the earth, and you have moved on.
Lol... that is gold... thank you!
It was like the universe was giving you both sides of the scales in one day...a friendly meeting, followed by a reminder that it can never be more that that. -YES that is exactly what is was like... I remember trying to shop thinking... this is really surreal... gosh this day has turned out so weird! ~ you just never know what's around the corner!
Every day brings with it the promise of a new beginning.... ~don't know who said that but I like it
The birds are singing, the sun is warming the earth, and you have moved on.
Lol... that is gold... thank you!
It was like the universe was giving you both sides of the scales in one day...a friendly meeting, followed by a reminder that it can never be more that that. -YES that is exactly what is was like... I remember trying to shop thinking... this is really surreal... gosh this day has turned out so weird! ~ you just never know what's around the corner!
Every day brings with it the promise of a new beginning.... ~don't know who said that but I like it
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