Newly sober wife wants a divorce
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 33
It does get better.
Hi Qwerty,
I am so sorry for what brings you here. Just three months after marrying my husband, he went into rehab for alcohol abuse and said all kinds of hurtful things to me, including that he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me at all anymore and marrying me was a mistake, etc., and when he first went into rehab I felt just like you! Alone, depressed, isolated, furious, loss of control, overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, mad, shocked, afraid, etc. Many of us who love alcoholics have been EXACTLY here. You are not alone, ever.
I wanted to tell you that there is HOPE. Tomorrow marks two months since my husband went into rehab and I have gone from being a complete basket case and sleeping almost all the time to being happy, content, peaceful, accepting, and joyful again. How did this change happen so quickly in 8 weeks?
I went to Al Anon over and over. I read all the Al Anon literature. I went to BIG, full AA meetings so I could see my husband truly has a disease with similar characteristics to SO many other people-- and that made me feel less crazy. Part of his anger at me was deflection and manipulation and that is part of the disease state of alcoholism. So I learned not to take what he does or says half the time personally anymore. His crap is his crap. The manifestations of his disease are just that...symptoms of a disease. It sounds like your wife isn't really even "sober" yet-- so the disease is still speaking for her to you. It takes up to a year or more of sobriety for an alcoholic's brain to return to baseline...if not longer.
To get help, I came here. I posted and got really great support. I read everything I could about this disease. And about my disease of codependency. I went to Jiu Jitsu classes and yoga and therapy. I kept myself active and engaged and surrounded by healthy people. And in just eight weeks I feel my "self" coming back to me, I feel there is the possibility for joy in my life again no matter what my husband does or says now or even if he is in my life or not. I am being sad for him that he has this terrible disease--he did not ask for it, but I cannot control it nor can I cure it. I can only focus on healing myself from what we have been through and hope he keeps choosing to do the same. I have already accepted the fact that I will be BETTER than okay if for any reason we do not work out. I surrender to Higher Power/fate/destiny.
So. I know it sucks. I know it feels lower than low. Agree with all of the recommendations here, especially about getting some anti-depressant meds if you still feel depressed. They will help greatly. No shame in taking them to help correct your brain chemistry right now. Also, check out the dailypositive.com or helpful free webinars and check out the Bible app if you are religious/Christian/spiritual for free online app-based lessons on grief, change, acceptance, serenity, etc.
Start small. Take your day in one hour increments. Decide on one thing you can do for YOU in each hour. Even small stuff like taking a shower and grooming or calling an old friend. Take your day one minute at a time, one hour at a time, and one day at a time for now and before you know it, you will start to feel some changes in your own perspective. I feel that for you.
Keep coming back here. This is a very kind and supportive community. And we are listening.
WOA
I am so sorry for what brings you here. Just three months after marrying my husband, he went into rehab for alcohol abuse and said all kinds of hurtful things to me, including that he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me at all anymore and marrying me was a mistake, etc., and when he first went into rehab I felt just like you! Alone, depressed, isolated, furious, loss of control, overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, mad, shocked, afraid, etc. Many of us who love alcoholics have been EXACTLY here. You are not alone, ever.
I wanted to tell you that there is HOPE. Tomorrow marks two months since my husband went into rehab and I have gone from being a complete basket case and sleeping almost all the time to being happy, content, peaceful, accepting, and joyful again. How did this change happen so quickly in 8 weeks?
I went to Al Anon over and over. I read all the Al Anon literature. I went to BIG, full AA meetings so I could see my husband truly has a disease with similar characteristics to SO many other people-- and that made me feel less crazy. Part of his anger at me was deflection and manipulation and that is part of the disease state of alcoholism. So I learned not to take what he does or says half the time personally anymore. His crap is his crap. The manifestations of his disease are just that...symptoms of a disease. It sounds like your wife isn't really even "sober" yet-- so the disease is still speaking for her to you. It takes up to a year or more of sobriety for an alcoholic's brain to return to baseline...if not longer.
To get help, I came here. I posted and got really great support. I read everything I could about this disease. And about my disease of codependency. I went to Jiu Jitsu classes and yoga and therapy. I kept myself active and engaged and surrounded by healthy people. And in just eight weeks I feel my "self" coming back to me, I feel there is the possibility for joy in my life again no matter what my husband does or says now or even if he is in my life or not. I am being sad for him that he has this terrible disease--he did not ask for it, but I cannot control it nor can I cure it. I can only focus on healing myself from what we have been through and hope he keeps choosing to do the same. I have already accepted the fact that I will be BETTER than okay if for any reason we do not work out. I surrender to Higher Power/fate/destiny.
So. I know it sucks. I know it feels lower than low. Agree with all of the recommendations here, especially about getting some anti-depressant meds if you still feel depressed. They will help greatly. No shame in taking them to help correct your brain chemistry right now. Also, check out the dailypositive.com or helpful free webinars and check out the Bible app if you are religious/Christian/spiritual for free online app-based lessons on grief, change, acceptance, serenity, etc.
Start small. Take your day in one hour increments. Decide on one thing you can do for YOU in each hour. Even small stuff like taking a shower and grooming or calling an old friend. Take your day one minute at a time, one hour at a time, and one day at a time for now and before you know it, you will start to feel some changes in your own perspective. I feel that for you.
Keep coming back here. This is a very kind and supportive community. And we are listening.
WOA
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 70
Originally Posted by qwerty1029 
Hi all, I'm brand new to this forum and this is my first post. Here's my story: My wife and I have been together 11 years, married almost 7. She is a high functioning alcoholic, although it took some time for us to admit to it. She has always been able to drink and still do well at her high level job at a very large bank. I've supported her to my best ability through a few failed attempts at sobriety. This past Nov she checked into a facility for 5 weeks and while it was very rough for us both she seemed to be sticking with it. In January she started to slip. Started to drink again, though not heavily. Then at the beginning of Feb, we had a bit of a non-fight. This is typical for us, there has never been any violence between us or infidelity or anything, but we have a terrible time communicating and expressing emotions. Anyway she left the house for a week and when she returned, she had recommitted to sobriety, and told me she wanted a divorce.
I'm devastated and want nothing more than to work on our life together. I've asked her to go to counseling or something but she is unmoving. Won't even consider it.
She resents me and blames me at least in part for her drinking. I am nowhere near perfect, but I have tried to do everything I can over the years to help.
I know that in the end I can't do anything to keep her from leaving. But I am dying inside.
Any help or insight is appreciated.
Thanks!
I'm devastated and want nothing more than to work on our life together. I've asked her to go to counseling or something but she is unmoving. Won't even consider it.
She resents me and blames me at least in part for her drinking. I am nowhere near perfect, but I have tried to do everything I can over the years to help.
I know that in the end I can't do anything to keep her from leaving. But I am dying inside.
Any help or insight is appreciated.
Thanks!
Mine hit AA instead of rehab in Nov.
Seems she has become very "independent" and is making all sorts of demands for autonomy. I say "we are married" not single. When we got married 30+ years ago, we merged everything in our lives. Now she wants to go rogue! The D word has been brought up by me if she wants to pursue this course. I told her I would "set her free". Her choice.
But of course she lies... so who the heck knows what's going on?
I'll try to just mind my own business as much as possible.
We have had a very close, intimate and intertwined relationship since the beginning, most of who we know are envious. I don't think her "new friends" at AA get it, they are all divorced. They may be the instigators. I'd suggest you check your phone bill for any strange often called or texted numbers. If you find any, she may be in an affair. You need to know what's going on even if you are taking care of your side of the street. It's your marriage. You own 1/2 of it!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I love Roatan. I hope you find great joy in your new island life.
I've been single most of my adult life. There are a lot of good things about it if you focus on that angle.
You're doing it! You're building a new life and it is going to be awesome. Do you scuba dive? Some fantastic dive sites around Roatan. If you don't dive, there's always snorkeling. Beautiful place.
I've been single most of my adult life. There are a lot of good things about it if you focus on that angle.
You're doing it! You're building a new life and it is going to be awesome. Do you scuba dive? Some fantastic dive sites around Roatan. If you don't dive, there's always snorkeling. Beautiful place.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1
Same situation
My wife of 17 years 15 of them she was an acholic we have four children I have been mother and father for Fifteen years she has been to treatment twice this last time it's been working but last week she told me she wants a devorce. She said she doesn't love me I'm not supportive enough and wants a new start. After all the pain and suffering she has caused and financial hard ship she has put us in I'm at a loss for words I have sacrificed so much and my children can't hold it together anymore I don't know what to do
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,629
Originally Posted by RyanBuhr
My wife of 17 years 15 of them she was an acholic we have four children I have been mother and father for Fifteen years she has been to treatment twice this last time it's been working but last week she told me she wants a devorce. She said she doesn't love me I'm not supportive enough and wants a new start. After all the pain and suffering she has caused and financial hard ship she has put us in I'm at a loss for words I have sacrificed so much and my children can't hold it together anymore I don't know what to do
I hope you will start a new thread and read around. You might also find some of the stickied threads at the top of the forum helpful, in particular these:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
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