I was stupid
 

Hi all, I'm really sorry that I just disappeared off the forum when you were all so good me. I was embarrassed but I'm now taking the plunge and admitting my error. If you may remember I left my A a little while back, took my dogs and went to stay with my cousin. A then asked my to help him with a home detox and you all rightly advised me not to. Even though I really didn't want to the "I will probably drink myself to death if you dont" got to me and I caved. Anyway he had a home detox a month ago and was fine for the first week and a half...passed all the tests and didn't have any bad reactions to the withdrawals and was quiet and just easy going. BUT since then he's been getting niggly and the digs at me started and he admitted he's struggling. I mentioned AA once but it's not my responsibility to keep reminding him of its existence, the same with counselling but he's taken no action.
So earlier today I had enough. He called me to see if I'd remembered milk. I'd forgotten so at least 5 times he had a go at me about it. Then when he got home he started on at me saying I'm the most disrespectful person he knows, I'm lazy, dirty and disgusting etc etc. He has a bath and I leave and go to a friends house with 2 of our dogs. I left the one he's closest too as I know that would really upset him if I took them all and I know he's safe with him in terms of he will treat him well. Within half an hour I get a text accusing me of being a monster and to bring back the other dogs and having a go at me for not being supportive and understanding of his moods for just a bit longer. I know I'm not wrong in going but I'm just feeling a bit rough. His struggles don't justify abuse but it seems like he just expects me to take it and be all loving and caring. All about him. I know me not talking to him much upsets him and probably doesn't help but a few weeks of not drinking doesn't erase all the verbal diahorrea I've experienced over the years and make me all jolly and I did tell him this in the outset.
Just needed to vent. Thanks for listening again x

You are right, penguin. His struggles do not justify abuse. But I assume he expects you to "take it" because so far, you have.

Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable.

Please don't ever be embarrassed to come back here, or apologize. Your journey is YOUR journey. We're just here to support you and cheer you on, because we believe you deserve better than what you're settling for.

Thank you for your kind words Sparkle Kitty, it means so much but you are right I've been allowing it. In my head he's my xabf and I have just been there to help him through but earlier he said he was giving me to the end of the month to change or we'd have to go separate ways so in a way I'm glad this happened because I want to get on with my life and have allowed more wasted time.

Penguin....he has no right to be addressing you in such a way. He is not your superior.
Actually, I think you would be better off not living in his space as most newly sober alcoholics are a misery to be around...and they are even a misery to themselves. (lol...they say that misery loves company).....

Hi,
I can truely appreciate how you are feeling! My STBAH also told Be he had given me enough time to change my behavior, and in his eyes I was worthless! He said a lot of other things that are too painful too repeat. My AH thought he was always right about everything. There is no excuse for verbal abuse.
I'm glad you're back! I rely on this forums support, to give me support and validate that I'm not the crazy one!
You'll find, everyone's story on here is so similar, maybe different words or actions, but results in the same painful feelings!
Please, be true to yourself! And take care of yourself! You will get through this a much wiser person!!

Z

It seems to me that if we are to expect an A to relapse than we should treat ourselves with the same compassion & expect to relapse too! At least this time you're more aware of what's going on , what you need to do & where to turn for support! You've helped me feel not so alone as I'm struggling with alot of the same emotions as you. Praying for you!

Hey, then there you go. You got your key. He wants you to change how, exactly? To be fine with him calling you lazy, dirty and disgusting? That is NOT fine, not for any reason, don't change, keep sticking up for yourself past the end of the month and always. Geez!

And this: is pure manipulation.

Good for you, not taking it anymore!

P,
Walk away with respect and dignity. You "stayed" to help him, do what? Be abusive, nasty, mean and everything else he has done.

Enough is enough. You are so worth more then being verbally abused.

Move on my friend and find real love!!

^^^^ Yes!

Relapsing for us codies is more subtle and has at least a veneer of being the right thing to do.

Take care of yourself Penguin and keep posting!

Is he expecting you to be his dad? If it is some one else's problem to care for him, then he can transfer his anger, guilt etc on you. Does he go to counselling? That is crucial for me in working out my stuff. Other wise I am just a sober screwed up person. Keep posting. Look after yourself and stay safe. Go to Al-anon (or the N/A equivalent) and find out all you can. You are not and cannot be his dad- his carer. If he wants milk- he can buy it himself.

^^^^^This.

Don't apologise for doing something you hope would work out ..we've all been there. I would stay away and don't go back. He's struggling after a month. He insults you and treats you like you are his maid. You are no ones maid. You deserve infinitely better.

Penguin....think of it this way....what would you do if a friend, neighbor, co-worker or stranger called you "lazy, dirty, and disgusting".....?
I'll bet that you wouldn't hang around them and do their bidding.....
***And, don't extend him any special excuse just because he has been sober for a short time....he has gone well beyond being irritable....
He is being abusive. sobriety is no excuse for abuse....(there is no excuse for abuse).....

He is just deflecting and projecting his crap onto you...to try to make himself look and feel better.....
Let him know that you have a spine and self-respect...even if he has none for you....

You tried to help again - no shame in that.

You can see it for what it is now - good luck with your future