Sad day
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Sad day
hi all, well my STBXAH has failed to follow judges order of martial support. I had to file contempt of court motion against STBXAH for non payment of temp spousal support/marital debts. I have to go to court on the 8th and i feel sorry for him. I'm not sure what the judge might do to him. I'm really not angry. I just want to settle this as fair as possible. STBXAH ask like an angry bird and he is the one who walked out of the marriage. I just don't understand. 
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm not sure why you're feeling sorry for him. This is something he's brought on himself. If he had a dire financial inability to pay, his recourse is to file a motion, not to simply ignore the order.
I'm sorry YOU have to go to the trouble of dragging his deadbeat butt back into court to make him do what he's already been ordered to do.
I'm sorry YOU have to go to the trouble of dragging his deadbeat butt back into court to make him do what he's already been ordered to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
I think I feel bad because alcohol is a disease. Marriage vows " in sickness and health" rings in my head. Anyone have past experience with contempt of court motions? What the judge may order against him?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If you accept that alcoholism is a disease, then you might also accept that it is a treatable one, not a death sentence. Ultimately, he can choose to get help, and there is a wealth of help out there.
Now is an excellent time to focus on taking care of yourself and handing him over to his Higher Power.
Now is an excellent time to focus on taking care of yourself and handing him over to his Higher Power.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi SM, if it makes you feel any better, it's not alcoholism (an illness if you like) that's making this 50 y o behave like a baby. He didn't run up all the debt, then run away leaving you holding the can, because he's an A. His whole life's pattern is to use people, live for his own enjoyment, and avoid, avoid, avoid. If he became miraculously sober tomorrow, would he take responsibility for what's he's done? I doubt it.
From his POV he was lucky to find someone like you who would willingly support him, but he took it all for granted and feels no gratitude or debt to you. Now he has to show some responsibility of his own he won't face it.
You're wise to take this further in the courts this early in your divorce to set the tone for the future.
Feeling sorry for him when he's brought this on himself is treating him like a child, and he's nearly 50.
From his POV he was lucky to find someone like you who would willingly support him, but he took it all for granted and feels no gratitude or debt to you. Now he has to show some responsibility of his own he won't face it.
You're wise to take this further in the courts this early in your divorce to set the tone for the future.
Feeling sorry for him when he's brought this on himself is treating him like a child, and he's nearly 50.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
thoughts..... STBXAH puts the booze down to fight me in court. So maybe he is not as bad off as I thought? If that is the case how do I get him to use a little logic and get this over with .. my attorney few's are mounting while he plays this game of defending himself Pro Se
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Judges rarely put someone in jail for the first failure to pay. Chances are all the judge will do is order him to pay a fine (in addition to what he owes you), and maybe your attorney's fees. I'd certainly ask for him to pay your fees. Discuss it with your lawyer.
If he makes a habit of ignoring the order, yeah, he might find himself doing some jail time.
Alcoholics are legally responsible for their actions or inactions, regardless of their disease. Do you think alcoholics shouldn't go to jail for risking the lives of other people for driving drunk? Same thing goes here.
If he makes a habit of ignoring the order, yeah, he might find himself doing some jail time.
Alcoholics are legally responsible for their actions or inactions, regardless of their disease. Do you think alcoholics shouldn't go to jail for risking the lives of other people for driving drunk? Same thing goes here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
thoughts..... STBXAH puts the booze down to fight me in court. So maybe he is not as bad off as I thought? If that is the case how do I get him to use a little logic and get this over with .. my attorney few's are mounting while he plays this game of defending himself Pro Se
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by savingmein2017 
I think I feel bad because alcohol is a disease.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
But did the marriage fail because he has a drinking problem? Marriage vows aren't a suicide pact. You didn't sign up for that - and he could get well if he chose to.
I mean I'm divorced and I remember feeling like a failure while I was still in it, but in the end it wasn't my failure it was his. I didn't want to abandon my vows, either. I gave him eleventy-seven chances to straighten out and he didn't want to. I feel like he deserted his vows years before I did. No regrets. Alcoholism isn't an illness with no cure. The cure is in his reach. The Bible says if a man will go let him leave. He's already checked out.
I mean I'm divorced and I remember feeling like a failure while I was still in it, but in the end it wasn't my failure it was his. I didn't want to abandon my vows, either. I gave him eleventy-seven chances to straighten out and he didn't want to. I feel like he deserted his vows years before I did. No regrets. Alcoholism isn't an illness with no cure. The cure is in his reach. The Bible says if a man will go let him leave. He's already checked out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
(The Bible says if a man will go let him leave. He's already checked out. )
If he left/checked out because he is sick(alcoholic) . How do I just walk away? Why I'm I still trapped in this nightmare.
If he left/checked out because he is sick(alcoholic) . How do I just walk away? Why I'm I still trapped in this nightmare.
He already left, I'm not sure what you are hanging on to?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
biminiblue
(He already left, I'm not sure what you are hanging on to? )
I have filed for divorce , so clearly I'm not hanging on to anything. The nightmare I mention is him fighting me in court and dragging the process out. And yes to answer your question. I can read.
(He already left, I'm not sure what you are hanging on to? )
I have filed for divorce , so clearly I'm not hanging on to anything. The nightmare I mention is him fighting me in court and dragging the process out. And yes to answer your question. I can read.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
biminiblue
(He already left, I'm not sure what you are hanging on to? )
I have filed for divorce , so clearly I'm not hanging on to anything. The nightmare I mention is him fighting me in court and dragging the process out. And yes to answer your question. I can read.
(He already left, I'm not sure what you are hanging on to? )
I have filed for divorce , so clearly I'm not hanging on to anything. The nightmare I mention is him fighting me in court and dragging the process out. And yes to answer your question. I can read.
But this:
Originally Posted by savingmein2017
If he left/checked out because he is sick(alcoholic) . How do I just walk away? Why I'm I still trapped in this nightmare.
Yes, you have to take him to court. He did that by refusing to comply. Oh, well - that's on him. It isn't your fault.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
With alcoholics and addicts there is nothing to understand, and no point in trying. Every single thing they do, regardless of the insanity level or how truly hurtful it is to them or others (whether they love them or not), is 100 percent consistent with the behavior of an alcoholic. Put through the filter of an alcoholic, ANYTHING makes sense.
What's to really understand is yourself and your decisions in the context of the insanity of their alcoholism. What are you going to do to save you, do you want to save you and, if so, how are you going to do it? Alanon and this board are a good start.
Cyranoak
What's to really understand is yourself and your decisions in the context of the insanity of their alcoholism. What are you going to do to save you, do you want to save you and, if so, how are you going to do it? Alanon and this board are a good start.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I copied this from a post about 6 months ago and I loved it. Maybe it will answer your question on if alcoholism is a disease.
"I choose everyday to maintain my recovery. It is a decision I make.
When I used I choose to do so and I chose to maintain that lifestyle. I could have gotten out if it anytime I chose to, but the truth of the matter is I didn't want to.
The times in the past when I relapsed I had a choice to pick up the drug or to not. I chose to pick it up. I could have chosen to reach out to a friend or gone to a meeting or tried to stop myself, but I didn't. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I wanted to handle whatever I was dealing with at the time by using. Thankfully by the grace of God I don't belong in that lifestyle so it didn't keep me bound.
I started using and it was nothing more then partying to me. I liked how drugs and alcohol made me feel. The more I partied the more addicted I became. You don't just become addicted to the substances, but also to the people and the lifestyle, the chaos, the drama, the highs and the lows.
I had heard drugs were bad, alcohol was bad, but yet I chose them. I continued on my merry way getting deeper and deeper. There were times I wanted to stop using but couldn't. Not because I had a disease, but I was addicted. Quitting meant giving up my relationship, moving, having to get new friends, leaving a lifestyle I was familiar with and having to get familiar with a whole new way of living. It meant being responsible and dealing with life on life's terms. The change was far to great for me to deal with and I was not ready to pay the price. Besides I liked getting high.
Granted I had bit off more than I could chew because when I tried to quit by my own strength. I had none. I was psychically. mentally and emotionally addicted. It hurt every fiber of my being to withdrawal. I always went back to using to stop the pain of coming down. There isn't a single part of your being that doesn't scream out in agony when you try to stop. Addicts don't like pain so ..... we extinguish it with drugs and the cycle continues.
Side note:Trying to quit and choosing to quit are very different. Trying is something you do to see if you can. Choosing is a ... well a choice. You don't try... you do it."
"I choose everyday to maintain my recovery. It is a decision I make.
When I used I choose to do so and I chose to maintain that lifestyle. I could have gotten out if it anytime I chose to, but the truth of the matter is I didn't want to.
The times in the past when I relapsed I had a choice to pick up the drug or to not. I chose to pick it up. I could have chosen to reach out to a friend or gone to a meeting or tried to stop myself, but I didn't. I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I wanted to handle whatever I was dealing with at the time by using. Thankfully by the grace of God I don't belong in that lifestyle so it didn't keep me bound.
I started using and it was nothing more then partying to me. I liked how drugs and alcohol made me feel. The more I partied the more addicted I became. You don't just become addicted to the substances, but also to the people and the lifestyle, the chaos, the drama, the highs and the lows.
I had heard drugs were bad, alcohol was bad, but yet I chose them. I continued on my merry way getting deeper and deeper. There were times I wanted to stop using but couldn't. Not because I had a disease, but I was addicted. Quitting meant giving up my relationship, moving, having to get new friends, leaving a lifestyle I was familiar with and having to get familiar with a whole new way of living. It meant being responsible and dealing with life on life's terms. The change was far to great for me to deal with and I was not ready to pay the price. Besides I liked getting high.
Granted I had bit off more than I could chew because when I tried to quit by my own strength. I had none. I was psychically. mentally and emotionally addicted. It hurt every fiber of my being to withdrawal. I always went back to using to stop the pain of coming down. There isn't a single part of your being that doesn't scream out in agony when you try to stop. Addicts don't like pain so ..... we extinguish it with drugs and the cycle continues.
Side note:Trying to quit and choosing to quit are very different. Trying is something you do to see if you can. Choosing is a ... well a choice. You don't try... you do it."
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
