Confused
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Confused
Do a lot of addicts/alcoholics give up on their families/relationships because their focus is solely on their addiction?
I'm leaving soon. The alcoholism and abuse has cut me to the core.
It's as though AH hasn't really tried to improve the situation over the years. And he always blames our issues on petty things, like the house isn't clean enough or I have opinions that differ from his. He says that his drinking is a non-issue.
He also always says counselling wouldn't make any difference, and that it can't change the past. When I ask what he's referring to, he says he doesn't want to argue. He'll throw out some vagueries and projections. Then he simply ends the discussion and heads for the hills.
And what's wrong with me? I seem to think I need answers from him in order to get closure. And yet we've had this same discussion multiple times over the years. All I'm ever left feeling is confused and hurt when he uses the same avoidance tactics.
So...opinions. I think he is protecting his drinking by trying to make the problem about anything and anyone but him. He avoids answers and talks in circles, then shuts down the discussion, because he knows there isn't anything else to point the finger at. But to admit that would leave the alcoholism on the table and that's the last thing he wants.
Why am I torturing myself? The closer I get to the moving date, the worse my anxiety attacks become. I can't sleep. I long for closure. I know I'm doing the right thing for my kids and I by leaving. And yet I still love him while knowing I can't be in his life while he's drinking. I want explanations for why he allowed alcohol to become his priority, and yet I know it's crazy for me to expect rational, honest answers from an active alcoholic. I'mI all over the map. I feel like he's stringing me along and yet something in the back of mind wants something concrete to understand. I've lost count of the number of times I've sought clarity, only to have him spin us around in the same circles, provide zero insight into his thoughts on the breakdown of our marriage and his refusal to enter AA and counseling, and then walk away.
An I losing it or being gaslighted? I feel like I'm walking away from the man I love because of his alcohol and verbal abuse, plus his lack of action when he's told that we can't live this way, and yet he keeps suggesting it's not the problem but won't say what he thinks it is.
Gah! I'm losing it...😕
I'm leaving soon. The alcoholism and abuse has cut me to the core.
It's as though AH hasn't really tried to improve the situation over the years. And he always blames our issues on petty things, like the house isn't clean enough or I have opinions that differ from his. He says that his drinking is a non-issue.
He also always says counselling wouldn't make any difference, and that it can't change the past. When I ask what he's referring to, he says he doesn't want to argue. He'll throw out some vagueries and projections. Then he simply ends the discussion and heads for the hills.
And what's wrong with me? I seem to think I need answers from him in order to get closure. And yet we've had this same discussion multiple times over the years. All I'm ever left feeling is confused and hurt when he uses the same avoidance tactics.
So...opinions. I think he is protecting his drinking by trying to make the problem about anything and anyone but him. He avoids answers and talks in circles, then shuts down the discussion, because he knows there isn't anything else to point the finger at. But to admit that would leave the alcoholism on the table and that's the last thing he wants.
Why am I torturing myself? The closer I get to the moving date, the worse my anxiety attacks become. I can't sleep. I long for closure. I know I'm doing the right thing for my kids and I by leaving. And yet I still love him while knowing I can't be in his life while he's drinking. I want explanations for why he allowed alcohol to become his priority, and yet I know it's crazy for me to expect rational, honest answers from an active alcoholic. I'mI all over the map. I feel like he's stringing me along and yet something in the back of mind wants something concrete to understand. I've lost count of the number of times I've sought clarity, only to have him spin us around in the same circles, provide zero insight into his thoughts on the breakdown of our marriage and his refusal to enter AA and counseling, and then walk away.
An I losing it or being gaslighted? I feel like I'm walking away from the man I love because of his alcohol and verbal abuse, plus his lack of action when he's told that we can't live this way, and yet he keeps suggesting it's not the problem but won't say what he thinks it is.
Gah! I'm losing it...😕
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
The way my therapist explained it, there may be more than one issue, but until the alcoholic in the relationship deals with the addiction, there is no getting to those other problems.
My stbxah said the same to me. He kept turning it around and trying to make me the issue rather than the bottle in his hand.
Have you read the "quackers" thread? I bet you'll see lines you recognize there.
My stbxah said the same to me. He kept turning it around and trying to make me the issue rather than the bottle in his hand.
Have you read the "quackers" thread? I bet you'll see lines you recognize there.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
musiclady...you aren't "confused"....you are facing the brick wall of dealing with an alcoholic (and, possibly other problems)...who is not willing to face it.
some face it, and lots more never, ever do.
What you describe is pretty much standard....there are thousands of real life stories on this forum...yes, thousands! Read some of then....
You can pick any threads, from any years, and you can find your own story there....
You aren't losing it...you are having fears because you are facing change....this is normal...There are several, on this forum, right now, who are struggling with the same thing...read their threads.
It is the fear of the fear...
I call it the "short-term pain for the long-term gain"....
You will be fine, if you get the help that you need and keep reading and keep learning...and most of all...don't give up!
some face it, and lots more never, ever do.
What you describe is pretty much standard....there are thousands of real life stories on this forum...yes, thousands! Read some of then....
You can pick any threads, from any years, and you can find your own story there....
You aren't losing it...you are having fears because you are facing change....this is normal...There are several, on this forum, right now, who are struggling with the same thing...read their threads.
It is the fear of the fear...
I call it the "short-term pain for the long-term gain"....
You will be fine, if you get the help that you need and keep reading and keep learning...and most of all...don't give up!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
My alcoholic sib is about as slippery as anyone can be. To him, night is day, up is down, dark is light.
To try to pin him down on anything is madness. He lies all the time. Well, not sure if it is lies or confabulation.
Look up "gaslight" in the dictionary and you will see a photo of my sib.
This is what they do. Make it about anyone but them and their crappy choices.
Good luck. You will feel much better after you have been out of his bananas orbit for a while.
To try to pin him down on anything is madness. He lies all the time. Well, not sure if it is lies or confabulation.
Look up "gaslight" in the dictionary and you will see a photo of my sib.
This is what they do. Make it about anyone but them and their crappy choices.
Good luck. You will feel much better after you have been out of his bananas orbit for a while.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
When you are diagnosed with cancer, do you have to understand the disease process--why those nasty cells are attacking your body--to undergo chemo to save your life? Do you have to understand weather systems to take shelter from a hurricane?
I think the "need" for "closure" comes from a deep-down lingering belief that if only we UNDERSTOOD why the alcoholic behaves the way he does, we could get through to him and somehow get him to change.
Alcoholic behavior usually isn't personal. It's not you, and it may not even be him. He's under the control of a disease that only he can take action to heal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with protecting yourself from what amounts to a natural disaster. When you really ACCEPT that there is nothing more you could have done, you will have all the closure you need.
Hugs,
I think the "need" for "closure" comes from a deep-down lingering belief that if only we UNDERSTOOD why the alcoholic behaves the way he does, we could get through to him and somehow get him to change.
Alcoholic behavior usually isn't personal. It's not you, and it may not even be him. He's under the control of a disease that only he can take action to heal. There is absolutely nothing wrong with protecting yourself from what amounts to a natural disaster. When you really ACCEPT that there is nothing more you could have done, you will have all the closure you need.
Hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
Apparently I am very smart. I have been told by many professionals my physical (burns) and mental recovery from alcohol fuelled destruction is miraculous and atypical. So- I did this- once I lost my whole family in very dramatic fashion. WHY?
Because the emotional, physical, chemical and mental aspects of any addiction- is IRRATIONAL. It defied logic. Logic and emotion do not make good friends at such times. I think you are doing okay. Make sure you have daily support- here, meetings, counselling- whatever. There is a lot going on- for me guilt, grief, shame etc, etc. I just accept the feelings and understand that my family did what was best for them As you are for you. Humans loathe any change- it upsets us. Keep posting.
My empathy and support to you and your family.
Because the emotional, physical, chemical and mental aspects of any addiction- is IRRATIONAL. It defied logic. Logic and emotion do not make good friends at such times. I think you are doing okay. Make sure you have daily support- here, meetings, counselling- whatever. There is a lot going on- for me guilt, grief, shame etc, etc. I just accept the feelings and understand that my family did what was best for them As you are for you. Humans loathe any change- it upsets us. Keep posting.
My empathy and support to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Hi Musiclady - Everything you're experiencing is par for the course - both your AH's behavior and your feelings and reactions to it. Try not to be hard on yourself and question it all too much if you can help it. You described EXACTLY what I experienced with my AH and the words of Sauerkraut's therapist are dead on. My AH and I had some serious personal issues and some serious marital issues, but we really couldn't work on the marriage stuff as long as he was drinking - - and all that that entails. So I started focusing on my own stuff and that work took me further and further away from enabling his stuff and I was able to deal with everything using a clearer perspective. I still screw up royally sometimes, but life is peaceful and sane. I still have a lot to work through but things are much better being separated from his darkness.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
I don't know if you are being "gaslighted" as much as he is "gaslighting" himself. We always have to point at a reason that we are drinking the way we do. If we can't point at something else as the reason, then we might have a problem and we know that of course we do not. 
It is part of the addiction to protect the fact that you do not have one.
It is part of the addiction to protect the fact that you do not have one.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Incidentally, I'm going to share my own "closure" story.
I had separated from my second husband a matter of months after we married--and we had lived together two months less than that. He had gone back to drinking, after almost dying of alcohol/kidney failure, a few months of sobriety, our marriage and our move across the country (where my first husband and kids had decided--with my blessing--to move). He lost his job shortly after our move. After a long job search, I found one that paid about half of what I was making before. He drank all day, disdainful of taking any of what he termed "doofus jobs," while I tried my best to support us. I was looking for a SECOND job. The final straw was when he signed a second lease on the house we were renting, after I'd told him we could no longer afford it. I told him he was on his own with that, left him one month's rent, and found a small apartment.
I kept going to Al-Anon, and eventually concluded that for me, happiness lay in moving back and taking my old job.
As I was driving back to NJ from Colorado, I stopped at a rest stop in Kansas and ran into my best friend from High School, who was on her way back from a wedding in Kansas City. I hadn't had the chance to say goodbye to her before I left, and our running into each other in the ladies' room of a rest stop one state over was, for me, a sign. Everything was gonna be OK.
I kept driving, and in Illinois, I saw signs for the shrine of Our Lady of the Snows. I wasn't especially religious, but it was Christmastime, and they have a beautiful light display. I drove through the wondrous lights and stopped in the chapel to say a prayer. I specifically prayed for him to be happy and well, and handed him over to his own Higher Power.
Got back in my car, and when I stopped for gas a hundred miles down the road, I discovered I'd left my wallet in the shrine's gift shop. I called, and miracle of miracles, someone had found it and turned it in. As annoying as it was to have to retrace my miles, I got my wallet back. The rest of my trip I felt a true calm certainty that everything would be OK.
Closure.
I had separated from my second husband a matter of months after we married--and we had lived together two months less than that. He had gone back to drinking, after almost dying of alcohol/kidney failure, a few months of sobriety, our marriage and our move across the country (where my first husband and kids had decided--with my blessing--to move). He lost his job shortly after our move. After a long job search, I found one that paid about half of what I was making before. He drank all day, disdainful of taking any of what he termed "doofus jobs," while I tried my best to support us. I was looking for a SECOND job. The final straw was when he signed a second lease on the house we were renting, after I'd told him we could no longer afford it. I told him he was on his own with that, left him one month's rent, and found a small apartment.
I kept going to Al-Anon, and eventually concluded that for me, happiness lay in moving back and taking my old job.
As I was driving back to NJ from Colorado, I stopped at a rest stop in Kansas and ran into my best friend from High School, who was on her way back from a wedding in Kansas City. I hadn't had the chance to say goodbye to her before I left, and our running into each other in the ladies' room of a rest stop one state over was, for me, a sign. Everything was gonna be OK.
I kept driving, and in Illinois, I saw signs for the shrine of Our Lady of the Snows. I wasn't especially religious, but it was Christmastime, and they have a beautiful light display. I drove through the wondrous lights and stopped in the chapel to say a prayer. I specifically prayed for him to be happy and well, and handed him over to his own Higher Power.
Got back in my car, and when I stopped for gas a hundred miles down the road, I discovered I'd left my wallet in the shrine's gift shop. I called, and miracle of miracles, someone had found it and turned it in. As annoying as it was to have to retrace my miles, I got my wallet back. The rest of my trip I felt a true calm certainty that everything would be OK.
Closure.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by atalose 
You don’t need answers or explanations to find closure. No matter what the loss, the closure comes from inside of you not from him.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Do a lot of addicts/alcoholics give up on their families/relationships because their focus is solely on their addiction?
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