Functioning alcoholic husband???
 

So I am a newbie to SR but not to my situation. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and things have been rocky for a good 7, maybe even more! I have gone from being very hopeful to severely hopeless! The biggest problem for me is that my husband is a sneaky drinker and although he has had bouts of being sloppy this is not common for him (what I see at least). However he lies, hides, sneaks out of the house, I have caught him in the past stealing money out of our kids piggy banks! I am in a constant state of anxiety. When I confront him he usually lies so most of our life together I feel like I still do not know truths. A few times he has admitted that his lying always revolves around drinking. He admits he has a problem. I just find myself always needing reassurance that I have a right to be upset. I always doubt myself. I am guessing its because of the deceit. I have recently spoke to his mom. She was supportive and agreed that he needed help but I always get those looks! The questions about is he violent, does he miss work, isn't he a good dad, etc? He goes to work he has not had any DUI and he has never laid a hand on me! I have even told him I am really trying to just get used to the fact that he drinks everyday. Many people live with husbands (my dad is one) that drink everyday. But I just can't!! This notion that I will just be accepting does not undo all the lies or stop them. The latest is he is just blatantly pulling $40 cash out of atm on a weekly basis. When I confronted him a while back he said he was splitting weed with a neighbor. I have since discovered that is a lie. When I confronted that I spoke with neighbor and he stated that is not true he proceeded to sloppily explain his way through that. I know where is mj stash is and I do not even see any in there! I am quite sure when I am at work and he is home all day he sleeps most of it. When I talk to the kids after school dad is often in room sleeping or on his phone etc. He has no motivation to do anything. I have caught him numerous times drinking in the morning. My son will stick up for him. Oh dad is real tired, he had a long day. It breaks my heart that he feels he has to explain for him.

Just a little history. We have been to see several counselors. One which we saw about 8 years ago was a master's addiction counselor. He was amazing. I have since asked my husband to return back to him which he does randomly. Usually when I ask "Have you gone?" I have also seen many on my own. I have worked through my childhood and feel so much better for it. Most counselors that I have seen on my own suggest that I need to do something different. However those that I seek for spiritual guidance always recommend that I pray hard for my husband. We have 2 children, a 10 year old son and 7 year old daughter. THIS IS THE #1 reason I am still here! It absolutely breaks my heart to be a statistic and fear greatly for my son. His dad is everything to him and they just don't see what I know. Again, doubting myself.


At the beginning of the year we had a heart to heart. A "You really need to get your stuff together or else" talk. I told him I needed to see action or we need to separate. Here it is March and the time has come. Like always there has been no action. We have been silent and distant for weeks. It is such a lonely place to be but so common to me! I am ready to apply my boundary but am so extremely nervous.

My questions: Am I crazy? Justified? What do you all think he is taking the money out for? (i used to know and look for his hiding spots, I stopped that madness) What do I tell my kids? Should we separate?

Sorry for the rant. I will answer any additional questions if you have them. It's been a long time!

Welcome, LoveHurt, I am so glad you've found us.

You have every right to be upset, and you are not crazy. At the very least you are married to someone who admits they cannot be honest with you. That is not a solid foundation for ANY relationship, much less a partnership in marriage.

I understand the fear of not wanting your children to be the collateral of a broken home. But I have to tell you, I am the child of an Alcoholic home, and the damage that is done there is intense, severe, and -- worst of all -- mostly invisible, for years and years. It impacted every adult relationship of my life and has taken years of therapy to mitigate the effects of the behaviors learned and relationship dynamics modeled in a home with an alcoholic parent.

It's comforting to think of the addicts in our lives as "functioning", but Functioning is not a "type" of alcoholism. It's just a "stage." Left unchecked, addiction gets progressively worse over time and causes more and more problems for the alcoholic and the people who love them.

Please stick around, keep an open mind, and read as much as you can stand in the forum. Sending you strength, patience, and clarity as you navigate this journey.

Hi, LoveHurt. Welcome. Alas, your situation is not unusual. You are married to an alcohol-dependent person, with whom you have a family.
It sounds like you and your husband are in that pattern of you accuse, he denies, you catch him on his lies, you threaten to move out.
But you don't.
You must be very tired of the pattern.
Couple of sayings here: nothing changes if nothing changes.
And: the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting a different result.
Your husband is actively drinking and maybe something else. He is not present in your and your children's lives because his addiction is his one and only love. Everything else comes second.
I would suggest reading the informational stickies on the main menu here. Lots of good information about alcoholics and how their behavior impacts the family.
Plus, as an adult child of an alcoholic, you know firsthand how damaging it is all around.
Good for you for saying that living with someone who drinks every day is not what you want. Have you been to Al-Anon meetings? It is a wonderfully supportive group for family members of alcoholics.
Agree with Sparkle that "functioning" is a stage of alcoholism, not a type. People function til suddenly, they don't anymore.
I hope you will keep coming here. It is a good place to find support during your tough journey. Peace.

He may be functional right now but alcoholism is a progressive disease. He will continue to decline. I recommend Alanon, which was a lifesaver for me. I learned I am powerless over other people and to deal with my own issues. A big hug.

Hi love hurt,
When I joined here my children were similar in age to yours and my predicament was similar, too. However, my stbxah was also working, and he still is, although he's still an alcoholic not in recovery, several years later, too.

It sounds like you're stuck in the fog (fear, obligation, and guilt), but starting to realize that you need to stop listening to your AH and start listening to your own needs and those of your kids.

Can you start thinking about what you want, and what your kids need, and then figuring out step by step what you can do to make it happen? It can't depend on your AH changing because that's probably not going to happen. If he wanted to change, he probably already would have, right?

Love,

I was similar to your husband. You sound similar to my wife. Not exactly, we have a different dynamic, but close enough.

IMO...your husband is highly addicted. Until something breaks...his health, family, or legal...he will continue to drink.

I used to say...i am a party animal. I need booze to sleep. I need booze to relax. etc etc. I was really basically highly addicted. The addiction was physical and mental.

The physical took a few weeks to get through. The mental is still an issue.

I am almost 22 months clean and nearly everyday, I think about booze. Every emotion is tied to booze. I would drink anytime of the day for any reason or no reason. Sometimes I would drink everyday, all day...other times I would do a few days (2 or 3 max) w no booze.

In the end, i was trying to cut down because I was working out all the time. In the end, the last 2 months or so, I was only drinking 4 times a month. But, I was still addicted. I needed the binge every 7 or so days to prime my brain. It was horrid.

I began to have anxiety attacks in the end, and that is what motivated me to quit for good. When I quit, my anxiety escalated, but I felt better physically. So physically, I was doing better, mentally, I was a mess.

The first thing really is wanting to quit. I wanted to quit badly. Without that...all is lost.

If a person wants to quit...I believe education is key. Education about addiction and the feelings associated. All of that is now available online. In the past, it was not readily available.

Have your husband start reading SR if he really wants to quit. This place got me what I needed to get this far.

Thanks.

I was him. My family now do not talk to me for their own sanity. Every family has a breaking point. Mine was very bad.
My support and empathy for you, your family and your partner.

I was about where you are in my relationship with my ex when I knew there was a problem... I hung in for another 13 years.

Things got worse. My mental and emotional health fell apart by the end.

You are not crazy. But if you keep living in that chaos there is a good chance you will become crazy. I sure did. The lies and manipulations undermined my sanity and I was ignoring my instincts. I couldn't trust him and I didn't trust me. Sick, sick, sick.

My Dad was a nonviolent alcoholic, I swore I would not marry a man like my Dad...whoops...how did that happen?... the difference is, unlike my mother who stuck it out and watched my Dad drink himself to death, all the while, drowning in her own codependence, I got out. It was hard, it was painful but in MY situation it was the right thing to do.

What ever choice you make for your marriage, I hope you keep reaching out for support where ever you can grab it. Meetings, books, online.. whatever works for you.

Prioritize your self and stand firm in your boundaries sister.

I'm not going to be very eloquent here, but when people who aren't in it use the phrase "functioning alcoholic" or imply that the situation isn't that difficult because the alcoholic is able to maintain a job and doesn't beat anyone, or because they "obviously" care for their families, those people are dismissing the biggest parts of what makes humans who we are. The fact that a person can hold a job, can move about the world without stumbling and hurting themselves or others, that they can make a sandwich for their kids - those functions don't make a human a full and complete human. A robot can do all of those things. To truly function, a human has to be able to do more than that, and honestly a human doesn't need to be able to do the things above to be able to "function" as a human being. The other things - like connecting to others with truth - are so much more important. I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. There may be physically capable alcoholics, but that's as far as I can go.

Thank you all so much for your honest and direct responses. Keep them coming! This is helping me more than you know. I am in the process of trying to get to at least one Al-anon meeting a week. As a full time mom and worker, it's all a complicated balancing act. I am trying though.

I do know that it is a progressive disease. I have seen it get worse with him. I have spent a good portion of about 5 years seriously wondering what was so secretive with him. For me I do not like lying. It is one of the most hurtful things you can do to someone. So if you're lying you must be into something big. It has just been recently and talking with another woman about her ex that it hit me that it may all be based on drinking (and possibly other). It saddens me though that I know he is broken. Shoot, I'M BROKEN. But that has to be the codependent in me to want to help. Not to beat a horse when he's down. Unfortunately it has occurred to me that in the interim over the years I have lost myself. I have zero confidence and don't trust a single word that comes out of his mouth. What kind of relationship is that!!?? I fantasize not about another man but about another life. I am pretty miserable and yet he gets to drink it all away! I am sad for my kids! And I feel like a failure. I am supposed to honor my vows. People say pray, pray, pray and work on yourself. But I can't seem to do that. I resent him so much.

Anyway, again thank you! I am hearing what you are saying!

I've heard it said here many times, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, NOT a mutual suicide pact. One person alone cannot make a marriage work, and I don't see where your AH is honoring HIS vows...

Westexy's post is phenomenal, and I hope you can take that to heart. I hear what is being said in it b/c I too had a "functioning" AH. He didn't hit me, he held a job, and in fact I very seldom could even tell that he'd been drinking. Certainly he was "functioning" in those terms.

However, he also told me he didn't remember things we'd talked about "b/c I talked too much." He told me he didn't want to get any help b/c "what if he got better and then found out he didn't like living w/me?" He pretended to attend AA meetings for 4 years, even telling me little tidbits about what the topic of the meeting was and if they'd had a newcomer--all of which was fiction. I'd caught him red-handed taking money out of our savings account to pay for his alcohol and cigs (lied about and hid smoking too), and this was something that had gone on for YEARS (we were married 19 years, together 21). Now that I've been on my own for just over a year and a half, I am seeing what my financial situation truly is, and he was spending far, far more money than I ever dreamed.

Lying to and stealing from your spouse--now I ask you, is that truly functioning as a human being, even though I never had a bruise, even though our bills got paid?

I'm glad you're brave enough to hear what people are saying to you. Please take the time to read around this section of the forum and to check out the stickies at the top of the page. You'll get a lot of education as well as a lot of inspiration by doing so. To me, the great strength of SR is the number and diversity of its members--we all have our own experience and wisdom to share. The more you can read, the more you can post to other members' threads, even if it's only "hang on" or "I've been there", the greater the benefits you'll find.

Wouldn't you rather LIVE life than settle for "functioning"?

Not to beat a horse when he's down.

the horse didn't fall down, he chose to LIE down. (lay down? i never get that right).

he isn't the one hurting here.

YOU are. your KIDS are. meanwhile he's ripping and running, lying to your face 24/7, stealing from his own children. not exactly a cry for sympathy...........

LoveHurt....he has broken the contract......

Your husband is actively drinking and maybe something else. He is not present in your and your children's lives because his addiction is his one and only love. Everything else comes second
This quote from Maudcat is dead on the money. I know because it was me.
So you have to ask yourself how long do you want to live like this? I hate to be an advocate for breaking up a home, but my wife divorcing me was my rock bottom. That's when I decided I needed to change. Your husband may not feel the way I did if you decide to move on with your life without him, but regardless of that, you deserve a life. So do your children. Is this really what you signed up for when you got married?

When we minimize, when we tend to paint everything rosy it is hard for us to see and understand what others might be seeing and understanding especially the children. You think your husbands drinking doesn’t affect your kids and that he’s viewed as his son’s everything………kind of sad that his everything is smoking pot and drinking and passing out in the afternoons and the 10 year old is already covering for him.

If he is covering for his dad, he is seeing it and doing what he has been taught, painting a rosy picture, it is not that bad, etc.

From a grammar Nazi and ex-medical transcriptionist, back when proper grammar was expected, you have it right when you say LIE down.

;)

Honeypig!! hahaha love it!! Grammer Nazi.......boy don't go back and check my posts they will make you crazy......lol

I struggled for a year over whether or not to leave my AH. For the three years prior to that I was adamantly opposed to divorcing for a laundry list of reasons. Once we started living apart under the same roof (at my husband's demand that I move out of our bedroom), I began to emerge from the FOG. I began to spend time with others and that helped the FOG clear too. For the prior three years, our whole family had gradually grown isolate from others.

If I'm being totally honest though, the only thing that finally tipped me over the edge was "getting permission" from a few people that I know value marriage highly and are people I consider to be of very strong character. I wouldn't ever advise someone to make a big decision like that based solely on the guidance of others, but at the time I was incapable of giving myself permission to leave. I thought it would be selfish. It's only when others pointed it out as a healthy decision and the "right" thing to do that I could do it. Now that I'm out, I can't believe that I tolerated what I did for as long as I did. I can't believe the person that I was. It makes me cry when I think about how I didn't think I deserved better than that - that I didn't matter to ME. It makes me cry too when I realize that some of the choices I made probably made things worse for my AH. I occasionally have the thought that he too would be in a much different place now if I had had the strength to put strong boundaries in place much earlier, but that is water under the bridge now.

GREAT post!

In a book I read recently (by a recovering addict), the author spoke about their dislike for this term because it is nothing more than semantics. You know what a "functional" alcohol is, they ask? An addict with a job. Same thing as an addict WITHOUT a job. Addiction doesn't discriminate based on race, religion or economic status. When you strip it down, it's all the same.

When my XAH was "owning" his alcoholism he often referred to himself as "high functioning alcoholic"... as is that some how distinguished him from the "drunken bums".... QUACK!

It's just terminology. A drunk is a drunk is a drunk.