Please Help!
 

I met a guy 8 months ago and we would often party together, have fun together, talk about everything and before you know it we were in love and couldn't spend a moment without each other. I would go to work, he would go to work. Then suddenly he had no job and I found that I was somehow supporting him financially with basic things (buying food, paying everytime we went out and more..), I knew he liked to drink but when he didn't have the money because he had no job he couldn't access the alcohol. I also enjoy drinking but I do not drink on weekdays only the weekends and socially. When he wasn't working he was actually doing more productive things each day. Then something happened and he got kicked out of the place he was living and I was also looking for a place at the time so we decided after 2 months of dating and basically living in each other's pockets that we would get a place together. After all it seemed right, he needed a place and I needed a place and we were spending every night (and weekends) together anyway....

We also moved to a location because he had a job lined up in the area. Once he started this job he was drinking in the morning at 6am before work, then during the day at work and then he would drink at night. I was finding this frustrating because we could never do things that I enjoyed.. like cooking together, going to a movie.. going for a walk because he would be wasted. Then after a couple of days or running out of money he would sober up and we would do these things I enjoyed and he would be so sweet. Write me notes, get me flowers. Clean the house then on the weekend it would all start again.

The first time I left he was so wasted and we had a huge fight and he broke my computer out of anger and tried to choke me. Then after I left the "I'm sorrys" poured in and I went back after a few days. I thought maybe just maybe it was a once off. He then quit the job he was working and things were good for a month until he started working again and the drinking started again.

I then left a second time. We had another huge fight where he broke my phone and then when I left was saying he was going to kill himself and actually sent me a fake picture so I would come back. He also lost this job and then lied to me about going back to the old one.

Third and final time I hope.. The last weekend this started happening again and I noticed it seemed to be escalating and the lies were continuing. I started to feel like all I do is go to work and come home yet I am constantly accused of cheating on him and copping emotional abuse from him constantly when he is drunk. I talked to a friend of his and they said he's always been like this and he shouldn't drink which made me really start to put everything together. I hadn't spoken to my family or friends like I used to since we moved in together because I was so tired and exhausted from his constant drama. He also contacted my mother saying that I was doing all this when it is him who is doing it which makes me think he also has some serious mental health issues.

I am now at the point where my family I have here are at the point where they have said if I go back one more time they cannot help me anymore. I have tried my best with him and I feel like his "I love you" and "I want to be with you forever" are just something to say because he has nobody else except me... I find I am strong for a few days then I get weak and go back to him and I can't do it again. When I am alone I just feel so sad missing him and wanting him and I just don't know what to do. It's been 2 days since I left and I feel dead inside...

I should also add that I haven't actually heard from him this time that I left yet and I just feel sick at the thought of him contacting me again and falling for his tricks yet again...

Please STAY AWAY from this man. Please do not go back. As I've been told in the past: RUN!!

You did he right thing. He is no good for you. Alcoholism is a scary disease. I know it's hard because he says he loves you but the truth is, an active alcoholic will put drinking above everyone and everything including you.

Gather your friends and family around you for support. Consider stopping all communication from him because he will try to manipulate you into coming back into the chaos.

Stick around, read the forum and the "stickies" at the top of the forum.

Please take good care of yourself at this time. It's not easy. I've been there.

*Hugs*

Wow, you and the relationship have been through a lot in only 8 months. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

This man does not seem good for you at all. He is completely in the grip of his addiction and displaying all the lying and manipulative behaviour that comes with it. And to top it all he is physically abusive. I can only repeat the advice to RUN. Things will only get worse if you go back to him.

hi SadCat, this is a very dangerous relationship in the physical sense of danger to you. Breaking your things is threatening, but choking can be a predictor of something much more serious. It doesn't matter how sorry he is afterwards, because that doesn't protect you in the moment.

Please cut contact with him for good. You may need support from counselling, family and friends, and the law if he keeps harassing you. I suggest you get in touch with a DV help service and follow their advice.

Please take this seriously.

SadCat...he tried to choke you. This is as serious as it can get. He could kill you...abuse gets worse over time...so does alcoholism.
I suggest th at you call the local domestic violence organization and talk, confidentially, to a worker....get their advice....

Also, get yourself to a support group as soon as you can locate one...alanon is the obvious one.....and, you need your own counselor, in addition.....
Cut off all contact with him....including his friends!! do not talk to his friends.

You are going to feel sad for a number of weeks to months....but, you will gradually get over it...You will mourn for a while, so expect it....it is normal,
short-term pain for the long-term gain.....

You are the one who is responsible for your own welfare and happiness....

Hi, Sadcat. Welcome. Glad you found us, but sorry that you are here.
Your SO has a problem with alcohol and he has been violent toward you. That never gets better, only worse.
I would wrap myself in my family's support, and I would not return to this man. As others have suggested, go no contact, find a support group like Al-Anon or counselling to help you find clarity here, and don't look back. There is only heartbreak ahead if you stay in this situation. Peace.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. If you do some reading in this forum you'll see that this is pretty much textbook for a relationship with an alcoholic...whirlwind romance, fast commitment, moving in together...and then things fall apart.

What ISN'T textbook is violence. That is NEVER acceptable, drunk or sober.

Your instincts are screaming at you to stay away from this mess. Listen to them.

It's great that you have supportive family and friends. That will help you through.

It's nothing you did, said, or are. It's addiction and you can't fix it.

Hi, and welcome.

First off, I have worked professionally in the domestic violence field for a very long time. Strangulation ("choking" is what happens when you eat too fast and the food goes down the wrong way) is one of the HIGHEST predictors of lethality in an abusive relationship. Even though he acts "sweet" when he's not drinking, abuse and alcoholism are two separate issues. The abuse is grounded in a sense of entitlement--that he has the right to control you. So even if he were to quit drinking, you are in a dangerous relationship.

Lean on your family for support. He will survive without you. He survived up until 8 months ago, right? Didn't know who you were. Not only does he not NEED you to survive, the relationship with you allows him to feel OK about himself. Things are NOT OK with him, but you aren't the one to enlighten him about that. He has to figure it out for himself.

I second the idea of calling your local shelter, or the National Domestic Violence Hotline and talking with an advocate. They can hook you up with information, counseling if you need or want it, a safety plan to protect you, and anything else that will help. I'm assuming you are a young woman. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't squander it on trying to "fix" an abusive alcoholic. You can't, and you are putting your life in jeopardy if you go back with him.

Oh honey, my ex was like this almost EXACTLY to a T. We started dating and he would drink 2 tall boys in the shower, 1 on the way to work, on his lunch break he would go buy a bunch of the small samples of liquor and then drink until he nearly passed out at his second (serving) job. He would drive home drunk every night and I'd drag him to bed. He started bringing other girls home and even though I hated it, I still felt the obligation to help him, especially when he lost his job. Whenever I threatened to leave, he'd "attempt" to kill himself. He broke me in so many ways that my mom cried whenever she looked at me after I came back home, but looking back at it, the best thing I did for him and me was to leave. I was enabling him by taking care of him. He was abusive and manipulative and he was never going to get better while I was around.

You need to take care of yourself. How he reacts and what he does in response to you leaving is HIS problem. You didn't force him to do anything. I hope that you go to an al-anon group or look into counseling for the damage he's done to you. You deserve so much more than this.

You have tried to help him - you have done enough now, I would urge you to stay away from this type of person/relationship, it's very unhealthy and before long you will feel trapped. It's only been 8 months - you should still be at the fun stage!

I am in the process of divorcing after almost 5 years - I found this site otherwise I may have spent even longer in what become a toxic relationship.

Very best wishes to you - chose a healthier future for yourself :)

Welcome to SR Sadcat! I very very glad you found us.

Please take seriously what the others have said above. You can't fix this guy you can only destroy your own life.

Like you, I kept going back to my user; I was crazy in love with him. I did manage to leave him for good after a 5 year relationship. I didn't have any support (this was decades ago) but I left the Northern Hemisphere to put myself in a situation where it was difficult to contact him.

Please get as much support as you can: Alanon, friends/family, and Soberrecovery are great.

Let us know how you get on.

We are talking 8 months ONLY 8 months and all of this drama. Moving out and away from him several times in only 8 months.

I think at this point, it really has nothing at all to do with him, his drinking and all of his character flaws and it has everything to do with YOU and some issues you need to resolve in you.

When someone is showing us very little action to keep us, we shouldn’t fight to stay or return to the dysfunction.

Three strikes and you're out.

Move on. He's had eight months to show you who he is. Don't waste another precious second hoping he'll change.

I talked to a friend of his and they said he's always been like this

and now.......you run. you get far far away from this man and keep him out of your life.

because he has nobody else except me not true. he has simply burned through everyone else. in the quote above you said you spoke with a friend of his. you are NOT the ONLY one. and you cannot fix, change or SAVE him.

learn the lessons and move on.

I just wanted to say thank you so much. I woke up this morning and I read all of these replies and I felt so overwhelmed with support from all of you.

He also messaged my mother again. She is also a nurse and has dealt with people with addictions through her work all of her life and she responded to him saying he needs help basically and that he will never see me again.

On the weekend I am going to collect the last of my belongings and give keys back to my landlord.

I cannot believe what I have gone through and I think I am in a deep shock still.

All of this support and my own strength are going to help me. I am just trying to look forward now.

I am just finding the most difficult thing for me is that it isn't like a "normal" breakup where I fall out of love, or they do. I still love this person but cannot be with them and I think that is going to be difficult to deal with as well as the trauma I have been through.

Thank you again and I will be reading these all the time.

Praying for your strength and healing, SadCat03.

Oh sweetie - please get yourself into some counseling, and maybe find an Alanon meeting if you can. THis is terrifying! It sounds like you have great family! THem, this place, good healthy friends, and some help for yourself will help get you through this! No contact is ta great way to ensure you won't get sucked back into that abusive craziness. Take care of yourself - you deserve so much more.

Good luck to you. Stay strong. Things will feel better in a while.

That’s because it wasn’t a “normal” relationship.