maia1234

Alicia,
Hon, nothing will change if your addict is still using. Expecting him to change if he can only stay off coke, is just hoping. He is an addict, says one thing and does another. Do you know how lonely it is with a newborn, no sleep, and lots of stress dealing with an addict?

I have to tell you my story. I was with my addict 8 years before we married and then 4 more before children. We had a lot of fun time before kids. Move forward 34 years. When I was seeing a therapist (he wouldn't go), she asked me to ask him when our "relationship" changed. I asked him. He said 4 or 5 years after we married. So worked out the dates, life changed when I got pregnant with DD, who then was born and then 9 months after her I got pregnant again. He said that is when our marriage went to hell, because I was "no" fun anymore. I had to grow up and be pregnant, nurse, be pregnant again, nurse and have small babies.

Your husband is no different then any of the other addicts on this forum. Wishing and hoping he stays clean is not something to bet a little babies life on. They get jealous that you are tending to the child and not them. He could really hurt you or the baby. Please, think about what you are doing. We all love our addicts, but it doesn't mean that it is a healthy environment for you or a newborn.

We do care, we just are showing you what your future will be like with a baby and an addict.

dandylion

Alicia....we posted at almost the same time....so please read my post just above yours...lol...

Ariesagain

At the very least make an emergency plan for the baby, yes?

I want to ask...what is it you're seeking here? If it's agreement that your semi sorta alcoholic/drug using husband has absolutely turned the corner by continuing to drink, you aren't finding that. If it's agreement that your husband's only acting semi-selfish instead of completely selfish to his pregnant wife, that's unlikely, obviously,

The people here are taking the time to pour out their hearts to you based on years of their own very personal, painful experiences. Some are actually paid professionals in this field, yet are offering their advice to you here for nothing in return.

It may just be that you can't yet acknowledge the risks involved. That's okay.

But you might at least want to ask yourself why, if you're absolutely convinced all is well and everything (assault, drug addiction, verbal abuse)is behind you...why do you continue to ask for other opinions?

FireSprite

Alcoholism isn't necessarily diagnosable by a physician. Most that identify as alcoholics don't do so because the label was given to them by a Dr., they do it because they reach of point of personal accountability & honesty about their use & the reasons for it.

Addiction isn't about the drug-of-choice at all, not really.

It's about the need to numb away life in order to deal with the complications & difficult emotions it contains.

Sometimes in the absence of their DOC, an addict can "make due" with a variety of substitutions - becoming as obsessive about things like sex, work, gaming, gambling, food, etc. It's called cross-addictions & it's a very real issue for a lot of people. They can balance fine without their DOC as long as they have an acceptable substitution in place.

It sounds like he has had this behavior modeled for him, at least somewhat, even if it wasn't about alcohol for his father:

AnvilheadII

alicia, let me remind you that you've actually been DOWN this path WITH HIM before!!

04/15/16: you had been asked how long you two had been married and about his sobriety, since you had previously mentioned RELAPSE:

Almost 3 years and he has not been using drugs but he has drank some but never an issue

When we met he was sober and coming off some bad times and was fresh at it, but i didnt understand back then, He overdosed while we were dating, and then went into therapy. He did that and it helped him. Things have been better and better with us and him alone.

We moved recently, a lot of changes and stress. Think thats how it started again.

he was sober when you met.
then he overdosed while you were dating.
did some therapy and everything was FINE for a while....
and then he went off the rails.
AGAIN.
before his last relapse, you thought everything was FINE.
and now AFTER his last relapse, you again think everything is FINE.

every time he did coke he had been drinking. that's how it goes....get a couple drinks in, and here come the crazy thoughts to get some coke. you SAY if you see the signs, you'll know and you'll take action. but it's not like he's going to CALL and give you the HEADS UP to bolt the doors cuz he's getting jacked out of his head.

you've been in this exact same spot with him before. in fact, exactly ONE YEAR ago, you didn't even see this coming.

aliciagr

I do take to heart what everyone is saying and things you mentioned are the exact worries Ive shared with the therapist and some in family session too. I worry about not being attractive or paying enough attention to him because of the baby, I worry he will feel left out and act out of anger, begin using or have an affair. I worry he could begin using again due to other issues going on in his life, I have a lot of things I am concerned about. I did talk to a DV person a couple of times by phone and Ive talked all about it in therapy. What you guys say is true about when the pain or fear of staying outweighs the pain of leaving.. Im just not there where I want to leave. It could change at any time if some of the stuff I mentioned above happens. I am going to think more about going with the lady I met to another meeting of either alanon or naranon. The people in Naranon shared stories that felt like more of what I experienced and I think its why I cried a lot. Im working on things in my mind, am somewhat confused, but I can only go at my own pace. I understand most relationships end badly. Im not really asking for anything from anyone just some encouragement I guess to keep working on myself and maybe if anyone can see and acknowledge that they can tell Im trying at least it would make me feel better. I dont have a lot of people telling me that because I dont have a lot of people in my life. Ive always had to be strong and figure things out on my own and my husband was the first person I ever had since my mom and dad who I have been able to trust knowing they looked out for me. He blew that up last year but I still feel like he wants to be that person for me again. I dont know if he can. I need him to be. Needing that isnt good. I should be self sufficient but it gets tiring always pushing and facing life on your own. I want a partner and I still love him. I have to go, starting to get emotional. Im not mad at any of you just emotional.

dandylion

Alicia....I, for one can see that you are trying...very hard....actually, maybe, TOO hard....to save a relationship where you feel very insecure and don't have any basic trust (you have hope...but, little trust). And, I can see why you wouldn't.
a pregnant woman shouldn't have to worry about her appearance to keep her mate....or worry about him straying to another just because she has to care for his child.
that just isn't right...and, it isn't healthy.....
You deserve better than this....
We see that you are trying.....
I just want you to have a well worked out plan for you and the baby in the worst case scenario......

maia1234

Alicia,
I know you have so much hope that he will get well. So did i, so do we all. I was so desperate, googling forums looking for ways to help him. I would have done anything to get my husband well. We were together 34 years. I couldn't believe the outrageous things he did to me. It was horrible.

After, reading and reading and many, many meetings, I realized that he was not going to do this for me. I knew he loved me, but there was a control over him that would not let go of him. I had lost him, but actually I had won.

I won myself back. I look back at myself 3 years ago and I can't believe that was me. Today I smile, I am happy, I love life, I am grateful that I survived my abusive relationship with an addict. I thank God every day for telling me to listen to him and not my heart. I know God did not want me and my kids in that situation. I had to stop acting like I knew more then he, once I surrendered, my life changed. I have a saying at my desk "God didn't need me after all, as he can handle each and every addict on the planet who cries out for his help"

All we ask is you to educate yourself. You have a beautiful little baby that is growing in your tummy. You do not want him/her, as sad as you are, we only have one life to live. We are all here for you 24/7 my friend, we do care!!

LexieCat

Again, the abuse is a separate issue from the drugs or alcohol. I think you are at serious risk even if he were never to pick up a drink or a drug again. Is he receiving any specialized domestic violence or sex offender treatment? It doesn't sound like it. He doesn't identify that as a problem.

And just because nobody has identified alcohol as a problem for him doesn't mean it isn't one. As noted above, recovery from any kind of drug/alcohol problem requires abstaining from recreational mind-altering substances. Alcoholics can't safely smoke pot without risking relapse. Drug addicts can't safely drink or use something other than their drug of choice without risking relapse. And I agree with the others, based on his history, relapse is more of a "when" than an "if".

We ALL loved our alcoholics and wanted things to work out. What your husband is doing is trying to continue to do what he wants, without getting to the point of going overboard. That's what EVERY addict wants. To be "normal" and not have to interrupt their enjoyment of their drug of choice. It doesn't work--ever.

I do think you're working hard, but it seems like most of the hard work is directed toward saving the marriage rather than keeping yourself safe. In some ways, what you want is as unrealistic as what your husband wants. You want "normal" and to not have to disrupt what feels comfortable and familiar (just like his "social drinking" is to him).

Change is always difficult. It's especially difficult when you are dealing with as much as you are, and while expecting a child.

We all care about what happens to you and your baby. Keep working on building a good support system. And please acknowledge, if only to yourself, that you CAN survive--and thrive--with your baby on your own. And start working toward your ability to do that. You might have to.

aliciagr

Ive talked about all of this in therapy - the sexual abuse while on coke (the only time there was ever any abuse), his drinking while on coke, what I saw with his drinking before the coke ever started last year, what Ive seen these last few months. Ive talked and talked and talked about it with my therapist and the family one directly in front of my husband, and Ive even been in sessions with him and his therapist where he asked me to talk about stuff. None of them use labels, or say things like unless he stops drinking and never has a drop. That is all I have to go on plus what I see. As of now, so far no issues from his drinking a glass now and then. I dont want to make a big deal of that part when its currently a non issue, and he is in therapy with a specialist.

But everything else. I dont know how it will go. We are both trying. Im not going to stop working on my own issues and I hope it will at least help prepare me to be a better mom. I did get some money in just my name now, so I feel a little more secure if I have to make an emergency exit. Im not working and dont plan to look for a job before the baby comes. I had been planning to go back to work full time. Had picked up a couple of part time jobs but none of them were serious options for long term employment. I do wish I had kept up a better resume but not much I can do about that now.

Bekindalways

Hi Aliciagr.

Kudos to you for the work you have done on yourself. It also sounds like you have the beginning of a good emergency plan: money for the physical needs, NarAnon for the relationship needs.

I do hope you keep going to Naranon as this seemed to resonate with you. As your husband has been your only support, it is important to develop some other relationships. Even if you husband continues to do well, the relationships you develop in meetings will help you as you become a new mother and go through some major life changes.

I hope SR continues to be a place you can turn when you have questions or concerns.

PuzzledHeart

I would be mad.

In fact, I would be hoot-hollering, boot stomping mad. I would probably think "How DARE these people, who haven't even met my husband in real life, pass judgment on him? "

Your statement makes me worry that you're not allowing yourself to be mad. I wonder if you allow yourself to be mad for ANY reason, including the way your husband treated you before.

My sister wouldn't allow herself to be angry at the guy who raped her, she put on a brave face when her marriage ran into difficulty and she chose to get stoned rather than get angry. Her pot smoking and her affair were all attempts to run away from reality. She tries to be a good mother to her children, but frankly she's not all there. It's hard enough to be a good parent when you're sober - I can't imagine what it's like when you're high and in denial. I feel sorry that she's in as much pain as she is, but I'm angry at the choices that she made to tear her family apart. I try to use that anger: not to go after her but to strengthen my resolve to be the best aunt I can be for her daughters.

I was involved in a pretty crappy relationship that almost ended in marriage. I count my lucky stars that he actually did something right and called it off. He kissed other women, then told me it wasn't cheating, then told me I wasn't smart enough because I didn't pick up on the fact that he was kissing other women. How screwed up is that? And now I get mad at myself, because as awful and degrading as that relationship was, I STILL WANTED HIM. And I wasted years with him, and those are years that I will never, ever get back. I'm very angry at myself, but that anger also helps me appreciate my husband, who is infinitely good, that much more. That anger reminds me of how little I was ready to settle for, and how much I gained when I finally let my ex-fiance go.

The fact that you're still posting here, still going to Nar-Anon, of course that's a mark of progress.

What I sincerely hope is that you don't just go to SR for words of encouragement. Of course we want you to do better, but I hope that you're taking these steps for yourself, not just to please others.

Which is why I give you free license to be mad. Let yourself be angry, not just emotional. Punch a pillow. Scream in the middle of the forest (I've done that and it is VERY satisfying). Print out a picture of Cthulhu, write "PuzzledHeart" underneath and scream at me.

Anger is a scary, confusing feeling. It can be the basis for some really awful choices, but the energy behind it can be the impetus for positive change. I suspect that you will make the latter choice.

dandylion

Alicia....now, for some practical issues....do you have all your legal documents and important papers, together , and in a safe place? You might want to make a second copy of everything. burth certificates need to be origionals, though.
All the vital information that you might need.
Do you have anyone who can go to the hospital with you and be there with you, just in case that things might go south?
do you have additional help for when the baby arrives? Do you have an extra set of keys...car key....?
A set of clothes and basic provisions that you can grab on a moment's notice?
Handy cash money for a hotel or cabfares.....

You may think that this is overkill and that this wouldn't be necessary. But, just in case it ever is...you would be grateful for any advance planning......just in case...

Ladybird579

he did rape me twice. I was a victim, but I also was stupid because I stayed when he was not safe to be around. If I see that behavior again I will leave. He knows this. If I see coke then I will leave.

I wish you could see how messed up this is. You are continuing a relationship with a man who raped you not once but twice and in other posts have minimised it by saying he was under the influence of coke...like that makes it OK. You have also stated he is sexually demanding when you are tired. You are not stupid. Do not think that about yourself but waiting to see if he is likely to do this again is a recipe for disaster. Why do you think so little of yourself that you will put up with the fear of him raping you again? You say you will only leave if it happens again..if you spot the signs that he will? Do you somehow feel it was your fault? It wasn't. He is an abuser. People on drugs do not turn into rapists unless it was in them to do it in the first place. You are having child. You need to protect yourself and your child.

atalose

That statement makes me very sad and I only hope that you can dig deep inside of yourself to truly work on you NOT the relationship. You are hard at work on that, trying diligently to bend over, jump high enough and say just the right thing to keep him happy and in this relationship. So much so that his drinking is ok with you and you fight so hard to defend it.

LexieCat

Do you realize that that statement indicates you feel YOU are responsible for his sobriety and for his abuse? That if you are "attractive enough" and "attentive enough" he will treat you well, and that if he does drink/use or if he abuses you, it will be because you aren't "good enough"?

This is VERY typical for abuse victims--they feel they can "manage" the abusive behavior by doing everything just right and blame themselves if they are hit, belittled, raped.

Do you realize he has intentionally manipulated you to feel that way? It is part of the whole control thing that motivates abusers.

aliciagr

I do feel some feelings of anger like you said, but I dont think in the case of you all here it is wise to let that emotion dictate my responses or my thinking. I know people here have their own personal experiences and go to a lot of meetings and meet a lot of people who deal with situations similar to mine. Everyone is trying to be honest and share, and make me see things differently or look for things in my own relationship. I used to pounce and get angry and ignore. But I am now trying to take it all in and sit with it so I can maybe eventually figure it all out for myself.

Its hard to explain some things without going into a lot of detail. My husband has his own set of insecurities and attention wise he is sort of high maintenance or he begins to feel like he is doing something wrong, and starts negative self speak. It comes all the way back from how he grew up and ways he learned to cope with lack of attention from his family. I know its his issue to work on, and its one of the things he is doing in therapy. He is better than he was. He will talk openly about his feelings now on this, and I think realizes more just because I might be preoccupied or busy, life doesnt completely revolve around him and his specific timeframe, and none of this has anything to do with my feelings for him. There are different areas like this where I do see him making progress and know its because he is trying to change.

I have my own checking account, and based upon a discussion we had in therapy together, he took a chunk of money out of our joint mutual fund and added it to a mutual fund only in my name. All to make me feel more secure. I dont have a packed bag ready to go anymore. But I do have my own car and access to cash.

I just need to clarify though, Im not sitting here afraid of him. We have been working on things and our relationship is good right now, and I actually feel happy and hopeful most of the time. We stopped having sex and lived like roommates for a while as therapy started. We went on dates and tried to rebuild. We are still rebuilding and I wish that we had made more progress and more time since everything before having a baby. But he is engaged in the babys arrival - helping to prepare and reading books with me. I suggested a parenting class since neither of us have been around babies and he agreed to it. There is a lot of positive, and although the situation may still not be stable I just need you guys to know Im not being forced to stay, or Im terrified of him. I know it maybe shouldnt be this much work, but maybe if we put work in up front like this it will get easier? A lot is dependent on his continued work on himself. I know a lot of people say leave for a year and let them prove they have changed. But I havent left and this is what it looks like when you stay I think.

No Im not mad at anyone. Im listening, and I am trying to do the right things but I have to get it squared in my head before I make decisions. I have a lot of new things to discuss in my next therapy session thats for sure. I have one set up on the 13th of March. and another on the
20th of March and more and more. Im not going to quit.

Thank you all. You know PuzzledHeart thank you for your post because it made me realize its good Im more open minded now, much more than I was when all this started and I thought I had the answers. Now I know I dont have the answers, but I am seeking the answers and open to others insights. It may not feel like it to any of you because I dont just see it and take action, but its going in and spinning around my brain.

tomsteve

whats this:
" Right now we have no alcohol at home but when we go out to eat. there will be a a few times a month when he has a drink.

isn't that clear cut?

imo, this is some serious rationalization. rationalization- giving a socially acceptable reason for socially unacceptable behavior, and socially unacceptable behavior is a form of insanity.

Im not sure if I understand this, but are you saying you need a diagnosis from a doctor that says he's an alcoholic for you to accept hes an alcoholic? does that mean people are only alcoholics if their doctor diagnoses it?

aliciagr

Im sorry I dont really understand the part about rationalizing. There are no boundaries about not having alcohol in the house. He hasnt brought any in so there is none there. He never drank much since Ive known him. For some reason he drinks a lot! when he uses cocaine.
His doctor specializes in addiction medicine and there is a protocol for alcoholism just as there is for alcohol abuse. From the way I understand it, most alcoholics cannot control their drinking, but those who abuse alcohol may be able to learn healthy behaviors, and or alleviate issues that brought on the desire to drink and escape.

I dont want to get into this type of discussion, because all that really matters is what he thinks, what his behaviors are, and how it affects me, how I feel about it all.

The other question, of course a Dr. doesnt need to diagnose someone as being an alcoholic for them to be one. Lots of people have undiagnosed medical issues. I think AA says a person has to acknowledge their life is out of control due to alcohol and accept they are powerless over alcohol. I dont know if this means they are an alcoholic but they have to want to quit drinking all together as their solution.

But my husband doesnt work their program. Neither of us are officially in any 12 step programs even though Ive gone to more than 6 alanon meetings, and online meetings and such, one Naranon recently.

I dont want to defend his drinking or say I totally approve of how he handles it, but his emotional issues are more pressing to me than anything else right now. I am happy he is continuing to get help because if he doesnt I do feel his risk is greater for relapse on drugs and abuse of alcohol too.

Ladybird579

I just need to clarify though, Im not sitting here afraid of him

You should be. He's a rapist.