batchel9

I'm not divorced but the answer to this question gives me a lot of anxiety as I weigh my options.

My husband is a fantastic father. He honestly drinks about once per month at most and it has recently occurred during the day when the kids are at school.

I'm just worried about the what ifs and when he could relapse next and how I would manage that with my small children if we were to divorce.

Thanks in advance for input!

AnvilheadII

i presume you mean he currently has only had two drinking episodes, a month a part??

your best answer is going to be from an attorney. just as we cannot give out medical advice, we also try to be very careful when giving legal "advice".

are you asking if you should consider full custody IF you divorce? or are you worried about him not remembering to stay sober if and when he is supposed to be taking care of the kids, or driving them? i believe you said that he drove them when drunk not that long ago? .

just IMHO, shoot for the moon when it comes to custody. things can always be negotiated later. there's a sober monitoring system called SoberLink. i know absolutely nothing about it except what i have read here, but it seems to be a great "peace of mind" tool.

batchel9

Heck no, he has had 15 years of episodes. His drinking used to be nearly daily and very heavy. Now in the last two years I would say he has only drank 6ish times. All totally random and unexpected in my opinion.

He did drink and drive with the kids, though I will clarify he wasn't drunk....but certainly under the influence.

I don't think I would get a lawyer at first. My hubby and I are civil. I want my kids to be able to spend time with him. I'm just concerned how to make sure their time with him didn't correspond with the 1-3% of the days he drinks these days.....

Ladybird579

Problem is you don't really know how much or how often he is drinking. What you know could be the tip of the iceberg. Saying you want your children to be able to be with him when he isn't drinking is a very, very low bar you are setting for yourself and them. I would not allow my children unsupervised or otherwise anywhere near my exah unless he was working a sobriety program. It's too risky.

FeelingGreat

hi Batchel, think about legal advice. It's not about whether you want a friendly divorce, it's about knowing your options for protecting the children, as well as your own rights.
I stayed on good terms with my ex, and am friendly with his current wife, but I wouldn't have been so content if I hadn't had legal advice around time of separation.
You might be able to come to some agreement about his binges, or he might not want to admit to you when he's on one (assuming you're apart). Some couple agree to random tests, or use an interlock device, but your AH's problem might not seem that bad to a court.
For now, I suggest you record any instance where he's been in charge of the children, driving or not, when under the influence. You may need it one day.

hopeful4

I have it in my divorce decree that my X cannot drink when the children are there, or 12 hours before. He may not take them to establishments that serve alcohol, and I have the right to have him tested if I suspect he is drinking.

None of this has deterred him. Every few months I have to go pick up my DD because he is drinking. That being said, she is old enough to tell me. I wish I had pushed for Sober Link, I would even pay for it just for the peace of mind.

Just offering my situation, although my kids are older. Since I don't have Sober Link it basically makes my tween daughter a sober monitor, which stinks quite frankly.

sauerkraut

My stbxah agreed to do soberlink twice daily when he has custody of our kids. He only agreed because I was insistent, he had a little mishap shortly after we split (got mugged while 'extremely intoxicated' according to the police report) and we went to a really good co-parenting counselor who got him to agree.

Since you're civil, can you get him to meet with a co-parenting counselor with you? Then you could bring up your concerns and discuss options. I believe a counselor will want to err on the side of protecting your children, and a good one may be able to get your husband to see why that's best, too.