Yellowstar54

I told myself that if this most recent attempt to get sober didn't stick, that I would need to ask myself some hard questions. My sister's recovery lasted two weeks before she was drinking again. I know I am supposed to say enough is enough - This has been going on for three years, crisis after crisis. The problem I am having with walking away for my own sanity is that my sister has lost so much due to her addiction. She has said repeatedly that she doesn't want to live and is only alive because she doesn't want to hurt her family. Tonight she is in the psych ward (again) after a friend called 911 when she was writing a suicide letter. In every way I want to be there to support my sister in recovery- she is my best friend and in a sense she is my child. I am six years older, and helped my parents raise her. I don't have or want children of my own, and she is my only sibling. But my faith in her is really destroyed and I don't know that I can trust her to stay sober. For anyone who has experienced this, how do you reconcile personal boundaries with the very real fear of losing your alcoholic to suicide? I struggle with giving control to my higher power knowing that His plan may differ from my own. Letting go and moving on is manageable when she is problem drinking, but depressed binge drinking leads to this suicidal behavior and it is too great of a risk. I don't know how to help her want to live. She'd apparently rather die than stay sober. It breaks my heart... I know I would sooner deal with this chaos and drama forever than be haunted by her memory forever if I lose her. When she is sober she is my favorite person. Any advice anyone has is appreciated, especially if it comes from a parent/child or sibling relationship. Thank you!

2Frazzled

Yellowstar,

Big hugs friend xx you need them.

You are in an awful situation and sadly it brings back memories from my own experience with my own sister.

Advice I'd give you is this:
Look after your wellbeing while going through this, get professional counselling- prepare yourself for different outcomes and learn how to set boundaries in this situation (my family- including myself didn't do very well in this area), treat all suicidal threats seriously- which you are already doing (a lot of the threats can be a form of manipulation so guard yourself for that) still call the authorities any time she threatens self harm for your own piece of mind. The authorities can make the decision whether or not to take her to the hospital. That is all you can do. Is it cries for help or the real deal?... no time to waste just get professionals in.

You said that this has been going on for 3 years. What was her life like before the drinking? Has she experienced a trauma or severe stress of some sort?

From one sister to another- It is a dreadful road for you and your family to have to travel. My heart goes out to you. My sister was the same- absolutely great when sober.

I do hope your sister commits to a program to help herself. You can encourage her and be a great support there... tell her she is loved.. Try your hardest not to get sucked into the vortex of chaos too deeply... don't allow it to consume you... because it can. I understand your heartache all too well and have seen my family suffer traveling alongside my sisters path.

reconcile personal boundaries with the very real fear of losing your alcoholic to suicide?


Different for each family I suppose and taking into account your sisters mental health/ personality/ lifestyle... Might be good to talk with the psych nurses for Drs. about this. They would provide you will a wealth of information and advise I hope.
I know I found it extremely hard to set any boundaries with my sister (because she was my sister). In hindsight, I think setting boundaries is the healthiest thing for you and for her. Working out what they are is the difficult part.

Much love and strength to you and your family,

teatreeoil007

My first experience with a suicide intervention was with my very own sister. Long ago. I was very young. Only 19. She was 22 and going through a rough time; recently broke up with her boyfriend and not sure where she was going with her life. Lost. Feeling worthless. Oh man, I am so grateful she felt free to call me up that night at 2 am. Why she called me, I don't know...maybe she knew I could talk to her in a way to turn her thoughts over. Anyways...I had no experience with this kind of thing, though I had always been very level headed. So I was just very matter of fact and honest. How else could I be? I had no other frame of reference. I don't remember exactly what all I said, but it worked. I was able to steer her thoughts around to see things in a better light. My stance has always been and always will be that one always needs to take all suicidal ideation, threats, attempts, etc seriously. I know you love your sister like no other, so my heart feels for you. People turn to alcohol and drugs when they are depressed and it just makes it worse, not better! It just seems to pull them in deeper...Hang in there and for now she is in good hands. No shame in being in the psyche ward. That is right where she needs to be right now. Many states are now requiring all nurses to have a minimum number of education hours/suicide training per year in order to keep their licenses current. I think that's a very good thing.

dandylion

Yellowstar....I really do understand the special bond that we have with our sisters--siblings. to me, it feels even different that the bond between lovers or life partners. We can't divorce our family members....
I did not notice any mention of the type of program that he has been working..if, indeed that she has o ne... If she has a sponsor, I would call the sponsor...and let the sponsor know what is going on....(that is just me),,,,
Does she have ongoing psychiatric services? has she ever been evaluated for a dual diagnosis.....like depression, bi-polar disorder, or some other type of disorder...possibly not diagnosed, heretofore?
If she will give her written permission, her attending physician, in the facility, will be willing to discuss her diagnosis and care plan with you....they might allow you to come in and meet with the staff (and her), if you are close enough to go..... I am just mentioning the possible ways to get more information about her condition....
Would she go into a rehab facility?.....
I don't know if she has been living with you or not?
If she has...it is possible that you have been (not intentionally) enabling her, without knowing it? Returning to the family home (your home), may not be the best idea....

One thing, for sure, regardless of anything else, alcohol is, overall, a depressant. And, the alcohol can complicate the diagnosis of any other conditions.

From where sit....it sounds like she needs some solid treatment program as well as for yourself....as I suspect hat you are suffering so much, also.

I hope that you keep posting, because it is so hard to put all the information in one post...lol...

don't let feelings of guilt swallow you up....as you don't have control over what other people do....and that is a hard concept to come to peace with, I know......

Yellowstar54

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts and words.
Backstory: My sister just turned 28. We both live in a city a couple hours from our parents (where we grew up) but we do not live together. She has a roommate but doesn't know her well. Four years ago my sister moved here with her then husband, for her husband to attend law school. Shortly after they moved here things got bad. She had been exhibiting signs of problem drinking for years, but suddenly she was abusing her legally prescribed anti anxiety meds and drinking heavily when she and her husband would fight, which was always. The next year involved a manic episode with self harm, two trips to the psych ward, a DUI accident, additional legal trouble stemming from drinking at work, subsequent jail and court ordered rehab. And her husband then had his limit and bowed out. She told me from jail she would never take benzos again, but she was sure they were the problem and not alcohol. (I knew otherwise, which has made for much contention.) Since then things have been difficult, but manageable... no real crises for a year. I set a boundary that I would not drink around her, and as best as I could, I would avoid being around her in any setting where she was drinking. Three months ago she got ahold of Xanax and relapsed on benzos, which she never thought she would do. That ended quickly, but she upped her drinking in "detoxing" from the meds. And basically has been drunk since. She told me she needed help in January, and we got her into rehab where she completed detox in 10 days but didn't want to stay longer after we found out her insurance wasn't covering the stay and we were paying out of pocket.
She quit her job during that time and was only working part time and having trouble paying her bills. Her boyfriend of 6 months was helping. He broke up with her last week, partly because she is drinking again, but also because his work has taken him long distance.
She has dabbled in AA and has gone to two meetings in the two week period she was supposedly sober. Did not apply for any jobs, did not make any therapy appointments.
Without insurance her family cannot afford rehab. We would find a way to finance it if we thought it would make a difference, but my faith in that is shattered now... we just paid for the last stay. My Dad has retired and my Mom is retiring next year. They were paying her car insurance and cell phone bill to help her since she was only working part time.
She has not been diagnosed with any mental illness other than general anxiety disorder, but she definitely has deep seeded issues despite a normal, healthy childhood. I don't know that I agree with the GAD diagnosis because when she isn't drinking or on meds her anxiety is manageable- I think it is substance caused (or vitamin deficiency caused by substance abuse.) Bipolar has been ruled out. I have wondered about Borderline, bit a therapist she was seeing some time ago didn't think it was present. She did recommend that my sister try Dialectal Behavioral Therapy anyway, which is often used when treating Borderline BP. It helped, but she didn't stick with it and hasn't been to therapy in about a year.
So that's the bulk of it. Today, she is back out of the hospital (turns out they didn't admit her to the psych ward, she convinced the ER she was not a danger to herself). She is maintenance drinking to stave off withdrawal while holed up at a friends house. He works, so she is alone for 9 hours a day. This friend has taken her to the ER once and called 911 when she was acting suicidal... she has only been at his house for 5 days. My Mom has visited and my sister has sent her away saying she doesn't want to talk about recovery right now. We have found a hospital with a detox facility (I have been looking for one for months... why is that info so hard to find?) about an hour away. She knows about it. We are just waiting for her to want to go.

dandylion

YellowStar....thanks for the backstory. Your family certainly have been through the wringer.
Are you sure that it was a "manic" episode that she had...because you say that bipolar has been ruled out...? In any case, the drinking will have to be dealt with .....
I imagine that she has manipulated all of your family...and, she depends on the enabling....
For your and your parents own welfare, it would be good if all of you could go to alanon, at th same time...even if you have to go to different ones. Because you will need to be on the same page....you will all have to stand united.
Perspnally, I wouldn't pay for any more rehabs out of pocket....
If she talks of suicide...I suggest to call 911 or the police to check on her ...every...single...time. Let them evaluate her....and, they will take her to a hospital if she needs it.
You all will have to work really hard on detaching....through support groups, counselors and learning all you can about this disease and enabling.....
You can't control her...but, you can learn not to enable, and detach....and get out of her way.
I know that this is really, really, hard....that is why this family needs so much help.....

FeelingGreat

Hi Yellowstar, you have done what you can for her, but if she's not participating in her own recovery, stepping back may be the only thing now.

Reading this as a complete outsider, it sounds like she knows she has a safety net (her family) and is counting on you having her back. She's not trying to do much of anything normal, like look for a job, get treatment for her mood disorder, or even talk to her family. And she's managing ok it seems. Place to stay, someone to drive her to ER, supervised detox. Meanwhile you're all tiptoeing around her because of the suicidal threats (not that I blame you).

I hope your parents and you don't spend any more money on her. If she is really, really serious about recovery there are many resources out there including AA, Salvos, sober living, and here on SR. When I decided to stop drinking I was on the internet constantly looking for information.

All the best to you. Al-anon may help you and your parents cope with this.

TerpGal

So heres the thing about mental illness AND addiction........people do not recover until 2 things happen. 1)They gain self awareness that there is a problem and the only person who is capable of getting him or her better is him or herself and 2) that they are willing to do the hard work necessary to get better. It sounds like your sister isnt quite there yet. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this.........just that feeling of helplessness can just be overwhelming. I know for me with my loved ones, the idea of "letting go" wasnt freeing at first, it made me feel utterly helpless and that was just an awful place to be.

I am learning in my own recovery (my RAH and curreny still drinking and severely mentally ill father are my qualifiers as well as having some trauma related mental health issues myself) that at least for my dad that coming to a place of acceptance that he is who he is and is not likely to change can free me up to appreciate what he DOES have to offer and love him anyway. It also has enabled me to set some boundaries with him to.protect myself from his unhealthy behaviors. Its a real sense of loss that your family member cant be what healthy family members should be to each other. Its ok to grieve that loss. I think you almost have to, to come to real acceptance.

As far as the suicidal threats......I would advise you to take them seriously. As you know, alcohol lowers ones impulse control so they can more likely act on suicidal urges. I would make that boundary with her too ("if you make suicidal statements, I will call 911") but I would really leave it at that. No need to get involved in her treatment. If there truly is some personality disorder going on, she could be getting a secondary gain out of the hospitalizations and suicidal threats in the form of increased focus on her so just be very matter of fact about this. Also so you know, just as its always very important to take suicidal behavior very seriously, most people who actually die by suicide do so on their first attempt and dont tell anhone anything before they do it. So the fact that your sister is verbalizing her feelings means there is still a part of her that wants to live.

2Frazzled

Hello Yellowstar,

How are things going?

Thanks for giving a good backstory regarding your sister.

Just curious... Does your sister only see a therapist when she has an 'episode' and then stop?

Its hard to diagnose someone with a mental illness when someone is in active addiction. As an addicts thinking/behaviour can mimic some mental illnesses. If your sister is only going sporadically to a therapist they may only see the substance abuse as the issue.
Long term therapy would be necessary for a real thorough evaluation of your sister. For instance it is very hard to find many differences between Bipolar II and Borderline Disorder. Only a therapist that specialised in either would be able to really spot this. She would need to see a psychologist not just a counsellor. A quick difference between the 2 disorders would be Bipolar has ups and downs and not always self harm - Borderline tends to be more consistently- angry/sad/dysfunctional relationships/self harm regularly (cutting seems to be common amongst this disorder but not always) etc. You will find plenty of info by googling a few good sites or better yet getting some info from her Drs. I am no expert by any means but have had experience with people who suffered with these disorders.

From your sisters backstory - I would suspect that she may have had struggled with some underlying mental health issue and unfortunately many people do not want to be diagnosed with any 'mental disorder' so will self medicate and avoid long term therapy because of this. However, when things get 'bad enough' they will finally seek help/give in and try and make order out of the disorder they have been creating and living with.

I hope you are coping ok.?

Praying that your sister can successfully detox and commit to a program so the Drs./ Psychologists can have a better idea of the underlying issues and then treat the issues properly. (and that doesn't necessarily mean diagnosis of anything or medication)

Thinking of you and your family, xx

Yellowstar54

I really can't thank you all enough for your support.

There was a suicide attempt of sorts two nights ago. The friend she was staying with came home to find her in a state where she couldn't move and called 911. She had taken all available medications (she is currently on seraquil, vistaril, and zoloft) in an overdose attempt. Thankfully she didn't have many pills available so was not that great... not even sure if they pumped her stomach. The hospital released her to my parents yesterday morning. They are monitoring her and ao far so good, just sleeping. We are giving her a little bit of time and will have a conversation tonight and work out a recovery plan. I have now learned the danger of optimism making disappointment too hard, so I am being more guarded with my hope this time.

To answer some questions that have been posed... yes, she kind of is the type to stop seeing a therapist when things are going "better." But she has never really given them a chance for long.

RE: "manic" self-harm episode- when she would take Xanax and drink, I would describe the results as manic. Klonapin and Valium had similar effects, but not quite as bad. I don't know how that fits into the bigger picture, but for the most part her mania seems to be isolated to that substance abuse. That particular instance (sorry if TMI, pretty gruesome... I have some PTSD stemming from walking in right after, it even though it was over two years ago) involved slicing her arm- not at wrist, higher on inner forearm, but several inches long and down to the tendon. It was brutal. She did some much more minor cutting in high school but it was gratefully short lived.

As for me, I have dabbled in Al-Anon for two years and am trying to be more committed to going to meetings. My mom attended her first Al-Anon meeting this morning. I have an appointment next week to start seeing my own therapist again after a year long hiatus. This particular week has been very hard on me and I am far more depressed than with any previous episodes. But I have a supportive husband and friends and am trying to get through it without a completely broken spirit. I have been doing yoga, journaling, drinking stress relieving tea, clean eating, and trying to get a lot more sleep. I am trying to give my parents as much support as I can from two hours away as well. So we are managing as well as can be expected. It is so hurtful to think that someone you love would sooner take their life away from you than put down the bottle. Her will to live isn't that strong when she is sober, but she wouldn't hurt her family (she says) by ending her life. When she is drunk, all bets are off. She has no impulse control.

I sincerely hope there are brighter days ahead. It's hard to have any faith in that now, but I can easily envision a future where this nightmare is a distant memory and I am praying for that. I just hope God doesn't have other plans.

2Frazzled

Hi Yellowstar,

Just checking in on you...

How is your sister?

You and your family?

Yellowstar54

Thanks for reaching out, Frazzled. I don't know where to begin. She is back in the city, holed up in her ex boyfriend's apartment (he is in England for work until May, and he lived alone), which is conveniently right across the street from a 7-11. She has been drunk since she got back and I don't have the heart to tell our parents. She talks about death constantly, and how unfair it is that I won't let her go, how she is only staying alive because of me and our parents, but really just wants to die. I panicked all night last night, expecting her to call and tell me goodbye. She isn't eating. She is sleeping erratically. She lied about some weird things. Listening to sad music and texting me the lyrics at 3am. Her only activity is to go get booze when she runs out, sleeping, and moping, constantly, for days.
I have absolutely no idea what to do. The Al Anon answer is to work on myself because I can't change her, she has to want to change. But I don't know how to do that when I feel like her only lifeline. I read a book synopsis ("Joey's Song") that said the author had to let her addict son go when the pain of holding on outweighed the pain of letting go. He is still alive, but still in active addiction. I guess if I thought my sister would stay alive and in active addiction I would be working on letting go right now... but instead I just feel like I am held hostage.
Advice welcomed.

dandylion

Yellowstar.....at this point, I don't see the value of concealing her condition from the rest of the family. It is better if the family is all on the same page....
You don't want to have guilt feelings, later if something were to happen and feel like "if I had just done something more"....or, have others tell you "why didn't you let us know?"....
If you truly feel that she is suicidal...call 911...they have to respond every time.
You can also have the police to go by and do wellness checks.....
I don't know where you live...but, have you ever checked with local court system to find out what is required to get a commitment? Based on the fact that she is a danger to herself....as she has had prior suicide attempts?
You can be referred to a lawyer who is knowledgable in this kind of matter to
assist/inform you.....
Does her ex-boyfriend know that she is holed up in his apartment, in that shape?

PuzzledHeart

So much wisdom has already been said. I'm so sorry Yellowstar that you are going through this.

My sister has dealt with a pot/alcohol problem for decades now. One thing that sometimes helps me is the question "If my sister were sane/sober right now, if she was knowledgeable about addiction, what would she want me to do?" That question allows me to disengage from the AS that I have now while feeling that I'm still acting in her best interests.

I know this has been said before but call 911 every time, EVERY time your sister makes a suicide threat.

You cannot make the choices for your sister. You can certainly help her and support her if she chooses to take steps towards her recovery. But she needs to make those first steps herself.

2Frazzled

Thanks for getting back to us Yellowstar,

I've thought about you many times xx

^^^^^^Everything Dandylion said...

Please do not keep this to yourself.

That is too much weight for you to bare. Your family needs to know what is happening / her ex boyfriend needs to know and her Drs.

You are not betraying her by letting other key people know.

My feeling is she shouldn't be alone drinking in this state of mind.

Discuss with your family asap and call emergency services to check on her.

From what you've told us I believe she needs hospital intervention and like Dandylion mentioned please enquire on how to get her committed. Yes she will be pissed off probably with that but that is truly helping her and getting her into professional care is so important.

Please don't do this alone.

Work on getting yourself a network of support and advice from Drs.

Depending upon what the underlying (possible) diagnosis is... the way to handle her when she is down like this is very important to research and yes.. your whole family needs to be on the same page.

Keep us updated yellowstar, as you are thought of often and have support here when you need it. xx

ErinGoBragh

I have not posted here in a long time, but I'm a regular reader of this forum. I know so well how you feel. Your sister IS holding you hostage, but you have to respect yourself - and her - enough to let go. She has chosen to center her life around alcoholism for now. You have to respect her right to make choices, even bad ones.

I had to let my husband go. After I tried everything I could to get him sober, I realized I was worn out, frustrated, and going crazy. I allowed myself to get off the crazy train and I allowed him to drink himself to death.

This was the hardest and worst thing I ever experienced in my life. But I couldn't save him from himself. I know you want to help your sister, but it's not helping the situation by allowing her to manipulate you and the rest of the family.

It sounds like she does not want sobriety - for now. You can't love her into sobriety. I'm sorry, but it doesn't work. I know, because I tried that with my husband.

Please keep posting. You are going through a frightening experience, and the good people here will support you in any way they can.

2Frazzled

Just another question Yellowstar...

what was the song she was listening to? what were the lyrics about?

FeelingGreat

Yellowstar, I sympathise with your situation and can't help feeling angry with your sister. She may feel suicidal, but why is she keeping you updated on her every mood? She's painting you a very graphic picture, the drinking, the sad songs, the 'sacrifice' of staying alive only for your sake. Honestly, it sounds like pure manipulation and keeping the attention on herself. And I expect you can't make tell her how selfish she is because you think it might be the last straw.

Without attacking her, could you tell her what this is doing to her parents and you? How you can't live your own life because of these calls to attention? And that she's been given many chances for treatment and has rejected them? How your parents and you have financial situations that can't bear much more?

You may have said all this, of course, but maybe some part of her cares enough about you to try for her own sake to recover.