Hi everyone! I cannot believe I am here again

Old 02-28-2017, 04:29 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: manchester
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Hi everyone! I cannot believe I am here again

I used to post on here some years ago about my A boyfriend.

As absolutely everyone said ( and people were so kind ) his drinking would never change and they were right.

We split up, and I'm here again now hoping for some help.

I know now there is something very wrong with me. I am involved with someone else now who is also an A.

We slept together for the first time earlier this year ironically on the anniversary of my father's birthday. He died of alcoholism in 1981. He was 46.

You don't have to be Miss Marple to work out this is no coincidence.

I love this man very much, I have known him more than 20 years. I think he is approaching end stage. He is 61.
He is functioning and is extremely wealthy. He doesn't do anything crazy like drink and drive or violence, but he is unable to connect emotionally and has problems sexually because of the amount he drinks.

We have just had a bit of a quarrell over the weekend and haven't spoken since but I saw him tonight in a bar from a distance throwing white wine down his neck. I stood and watched for a few seconds and went home.

I think he will die. Why do I keep doing this??? I didn't even realise untill tonight and I though I would post this because everyone was so kind in the past. Why has it happened again?? Thanks x
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Old 02-28-2017, 05:41 PM
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I don't think any of us know are going to have to dig deep within yourself to find that answer. Why do you settle for someone who is unable to connect emotionally? Well, it could just be that he is charming, attractive, wealthy and the two of you hooked up when you did...because you are/were looking for love...most all of us want love, belonging, connection...and you may be willing to settle for something the feels like that but isn't really THAT...not even a close second. What you lacked with your own dad perhaps you are inadvertently trying to find with other men. But, honey, from what little you have described of this man, he is just not really there for you, and there are some red flags and problems going on and the two of you are not even truly 'together'. You saw him in a bar pouring white wine down his neck, unbeknownst to him...but maybe you NEEDED to see that and see it for what it really is. A man pouring wine down his neck. Is this the kind of love you really want or need? Only you can answer that.
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Old 02-28-2017, 05:47 PM
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I am so sorry that it is happening again. Take the time and do your homework. Education is power when it comes to addiction. You need to believe those red flags, when they are waiving at you in the wind.

Hit some alanon meetings, keep reading around the forum. Work on yourself. You addict can last a long time, so I wouldn't write him off, just yet.

Hang in there my friend, we are all here for you.
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Old 02-28-2017, 06:01 PM
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Children who grow up with alcoholic parents often end up in relationships with alcoholics. I did, several times. Maybe we seek out what is familiar to us, maybe we look for the parent-child relationship we never had, maybe we subconsciously want to "fix" the past by "fixing" the alcoholic in our present. Dunno,

But it's clearly a pattern for many of us. Have you considered therapy to help you work through this? You don't say how much older this man is than you, but there's something unhealthy about attaching to someone at his stage of alcoholism.

When we grow up with a distorted view of what "love" is, we define it in pretty unhappy ways until we figure out what's driving it all. My therapist was a huge help for me and I still hear her voice in my head nearly thirty years later.

I hope you can find some help in turning this pattern around.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 03-01-2017, 09:50 AM
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I think he will die.

we all will, eventually.

unless we address our family of origin stuff, our alcoholic parenting, we are likely to keep re-creating the scenario so we can try to get a different outcome THIS TIME. in short - a DO-OVER.

do you want to stop the pattern?

then STOP. break up with this person, and get very involved in your own healing. alanon, therapy, whatever it takes.
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Old 03-01-2017, 12:47 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
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Thanks for all your replies!

I looked for an al anon meeting near me and there isn't one for about fifty miles so it's out of the question.

I am very surprised as I live in a big city.

Ariesagain was quite profound with the comments about fixing my past in my present.

To everyone around me I've been absolutely normal but I keep bursting into tears at odd moments, like tonight walking home from the supermarket. Reading some of the other threads on the forum has been good for me. It's true that an A wouldn't want a partner full time trying to temper there drinking. This was why his marriage broke up, or the main reason anyway. She turned to religion for solace in the end.

I can't understand why a guy would put alcohol above sex and love but that's me.

It's not the first time round the block for me and him either so I'm not so cut up about it as last time. This is as much to do with me as it does with him. It's also true that A's are users, or at least it's true in my experience.

He took me everywhere with him where he's seen regularly like his company, his local bar and the places he goes in the city. Maybe I'm cynical but I think he did this so people would think he was "normal" . He's been divorced for years but never had girlfriends except some scenario with a wealthy woman who lived in a different continent who would visit from time to time.

I felt that after I had served my purpose I was no longer any use to him . Maybe I'm just paranoid but that's my feeling.

I think he's a good guy really. I've not heard a thing from him since our tiff early Sunday morning. Unfortunately, he is very good friend with my boss and we know all the same people so it's hard to go no contact, but I knew all this before I got involved. I don't regret what happened between us because in a lot of ways it was beautiful and I've got some lovely memories. I just wish I had handled myself better but I'm only human and I really have genuine feelings for him x
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