They try to make things out to be your fault that are not your fault...they want you to share in blame when you are not to blame...talk about DUMPING on someone....it doesn't feel good to be dumped on, does it? All in the name of love? 'But, I love him'...of course you do, dear....but is he being loving to you? And to come back at you in a rage for just being truthful? Well, that's just **** poor treatment is what that is. You were relaying a truth he didn't want to hear....so he shot the messenger. Not your fault.

Well, he is so upset with me, he doesn't want to speak to me. This another thing that happens quite often; he is hot and cold with me at times. I assume this is another part of the alcoholic condition. I should have ample time to reflect on what to do next, because this could last for days...

it's called Manipulation. also Come Here, Go Away.

it's not so much a trait of addiction, as much as personality. it keeps HIM in CONTROL.

basically he's being a pouty little BOY. do you really want to sit and wait around for His Majesty the Boy King to decide that you are worthy enough to SPEAK to? is that what this has become?

And remind us again, what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

The silent treatment is a component of emotional abuse.

Yup, he's gonna teach YOU to call any kind of attention to his drinking. Never mind that it was only the two of you present to hear a fairly mild expression of concern and exasperation about it.

At this point I'd REALLY advise against apologizing for anything. And if I were you, I'd be thinking really hard about the cost/benefit analysis of remaining in this relationship.

You might want to read this post - not uncommon
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html

Wow! That post sounds like what I have lived through with him for years!

Addicts and alcoholics are smart. We know how to sting our loved ones in ways that make them feel bad about themselves. Your boyfriend did it with this "He said he couldn't believe I would take his most vulnerable weakness and throw it back in his face like that,"

Here's how you could have replied. "BELIEVE IT!" Click.
Instead, he made you the bad guy for speaking the truth. And you fell for it. Now you're in a recovery forum looking for advice. Is he in here too somewhere - asking for advice on how to quit drinking ...?

You weren't nasty or in his face. You - very succinctly - spoke the truth. We don't like to hear that. Of course anger and frustration were behind your comment. You give a sh!t. Is he expecting you to act like his priest in the face of his ongoing active addiction? Is that the role you want?

It's critical that you don't allow him to enmesh you in the drama his illness creates. This requires major emotional boundary setting on your part. His brain is UNWELL and it affects everything he does and says.

One of the best things you can do is distance yourself. Unless you're able to set and hold fast to boundaries - you're likely to get pulled down with him during this phase. It's a lot easier to distance yourself now than it will be to pull yourself up later.

What distancing yourself might look like is letting him know that he has your full support when he's working on his recovery, but in the meantime - you're unwilling to talk to him - at all - when he's drinking. That looks harsh, but anything else you do will just drive you nuts. You won't win because it's impossible for you to. So long as he drinks - it's a lose lose lose - one lose for him, one for you, and one for the relationship.

One thing to keep in mind - it takes a while for an alcoholic brain to find level ground. We don't heal overnight. His alcoholism isn't an excuse for his behavior. It explains it - and that's all.

Your honesty is refreshing . I have been in a fog of confusion for so long. I have alot to think about. Why do they want to sting us and make us feel bad about ourselves? I'm not sure I will ever understand.

Grace8....There are a couple of reasons....
1. deflection....putting you down is a way of taking the attention and spotlight off of him and his actions...and putting it on you....
2. leveling....when a person feels bad about themselves in some way....a way to deal with it is to bring the other person down....by pointing out some flaw (real or fabricated) of theirs....
Some will try to bring themselves up by acting superior or being bragadocious....

I hope that you will keep reading, and learning.....the thousands of real life stories, here on the forum...the stickies at the top of the main page...and the recommended books and articles....
there is so much to learn.
Knowledge is power.

Dandylion... thank you. I will keep reading and learning,
and , hopefully, healing...

We haven't spoken much the last week. He says he feels indifferent toward me, that he thought it would go away , but it hasn't. I am beyond trying to salvage this relationship at this point. I feel deeply hurt, and at other times just numb by it all. I guess now I just want to understand it all and make some sense of it for myself. Is this normal with an alcoholic? Do they push you away and end up feeling nothing for you?

Grace....I don't know what is in your boyfriend's mind....
In general, alcoholics don't make good relationship material....they are barely able to be responsible for themselves...much less the kind of responsibility a relationship takes....That is why they have to work a diligent program and live by the principles for the rest of their lives...
He doesn't sound like he is ready for that, from what you have shared.....

You have a right to your own happiness....
If you can't get to any alanon meetings...you can still do it online and study their literature....
Also, ask your therapist if there are any other support groups that you can join...any kind of support group would be good for you, right now.....
Maybe, it is time to work on yourself in preparation for leaving.....

If you are looking for totally painless...we always mourn the loss of significant relationships...but, it is the short-term pain for the long term gain......

It is anything but painless, that is for sure. I do feel an underlying peace this last week, simply from not riding the roller coaster of what is next; and that should tell me something, right? Yesterday, he texted said he misses me. I couldn't bring myself to reciprocate that sentiment. I'm just not sure I feel that way. I feel numb and even angry ...but do I miss him and all that comes with him? It sends my head spinning! One minute he says he is indifferent toward me and the next he misses me! It really can mess with your head. *sigh*

I think more to the point is that they are sedated and feel nothing. I mean, that's the whole lure of alcohol and drugs - shutting up the brain and blotting out shame, guilt, negative emotions. That's why I continued to drink...to quiet my mind. Once I was drinking addictively, I really had no choice but to drink if I wanted any peace from my racing thoughts and self-destructive thinking. That's what alcohol does, it creates a need.

I always find that complete detachment from an ex is the way to go. Blocked from my phone and email, unfriended and blocked on social media, etc. It speeds up the healing process.

Old thread that's worthy of a bump. :)