Struggling with my decision to leave
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Join Date: Aug 2016
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Struggling with my decision to leave
The lawyer appointment is getting closer. I'm packing up my important paper work. I am so ready to get this divorce started. Last week he stated he couldn't help out in the evening with housework because he wasn't a **** beside calling me some choice names. So that is his authentic self.
Now my child is sick. I have to call in sick. My boss is I don't care you're in discipline for calling in. I have no one. I have to take care of my children and the household. It's easy to say leave. It's hard to stay in this environment but I picked him. This is my life. I need to go down on my hours or quit my job for my family.
Now my child is sick. I have to call in sick. My boss is I don't care you're in discipline for calling in. I have no one. I have to take care of my children and the household. It's easy to say leave. It's hard to stay in this environment but I picked him. This is my life. I need to go down on my hours or quit my job for my family.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
HH your boss sounds like a real ar**. Where I live you can use your sick leave to look after sick kids. Maybe another job would be for the best, or you could complain to HR, assuming you work for a company that has HR.
The thing is, you're getting angrier and more contemptuous of your AH by the day and I'm not sure you can stand him much longer. He's not helping or supporting you now, so having some peace in living without him has to be worth something. And I assume you would get some financial support.
The thing is, you're getting angrier and more contemptuous of your AH by the day and I'm not sure you can stand him much longer. He's not helping or supporting you now, so having some peace in living without him has to be worth something. And I assume you would get some financial support.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
hearthealth.....I think it is almost always a bad idea for a woman...especially in a position like yours.....to quit employment. It makes you even more dependent and increases the trapped feeling.
And, it won't "show " him anything, by doing that.
did you ever peruse this website? www.womansdivorce.
Exactly what are your childcare needs? Are they in school or daycare? I can't remember their ages....
And, it won't "show " him anything, by doing that.
did you ever peruse this website? www.womansdivorce.
Exactly what are your childcare needs? Are they in school or daycare? I can't remember their ages....
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
HH,
I know you are overwhelmed, but you just need to breath. Take one day at a time, just 24 hours. Do what you need to do and to the best of your ability. I am sorry that you have no help from ah. Dont blame yourself for choosing him, it is not a death sentence.
Meet with the attorney and get informed, education is power. You can make decisions after that.
Hugs my friend, you will be ok!!
I know you are overwhelmed, but you just need to breath. Take one day at a time, just 24 hours. Do what you need to do and to the best of your ability. I am sorry that you have no help from ah. Dont blame yourself for choosing him, it is not a death sentence.
Meet with the attorney and get informed, education is power. You can make decisions after that.
Hugs my friend, you will be ok!!
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
If you quit your job or reduce your hours, you make yourself more vulnerable to him. You will either have to stay married and stay miserable or divorce him and then try to extract support out of him. He doesn't strike me as a generous kind of guy under the best of circumstances.
How old are your children? My mother used to leave me alone with a cold or something not too terrible when I was ten or so. I was a pretty responsible kid, though. Actually, I loved having the house to myself.
If that's not an option, maybe line up some sitters or daycare for sick kiddos for the future?
If you quit your job and stay stuck in that house with him, you will be miserable. Martyring yourself for others always backfires eventually...very few of us are saints.
How old are your children? My mother used to leave me alone with a cold or something not too terrible when I was ten or so. I was a pretty responsible kid, though. Actually, I loved having the house to myself.
If that's not an option, maybe line up some sitters or daycare for sick kiddos for the future?
If you quit your job and stay stuck in that house with him, you will be miserable. Martyring yourself for others always backfires eventually...very few of us are saints.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
There are all kinds of ways to manage being a single parent--lots of resources out there to explore.
Remember, staying WITH the abuser IS harming your children. He is awful to them.
Just because you can't see the way things are going to work out doesn't mean that they won't. You would be surprised at how things tend to fall into place when you take that leap of faith.
Remember, staying WITH the abuser IS harming your children. He is awful to them.
Just because you can't see the way things are going to work out doesn't mean that they won't. You would be surprised at how things tend to fall into place when you take that leap of faith.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Take said child to the doctor and supply a doctors note. That's the best you can do.
My girls and I have been sick for six weeks. I am overwhelmed with doctors appointments, counseling appointments, all of it. However, just take it ONE SINGLE day at a time. Just do what you need to do to get through today.
Don't quit your job unless you have another offer. That's my motto.
Hugs.
My girls and I have been sick for six weeks. I am overwhelmed with doctors appointments, counseling appointments, all of it. However, just take it ONE SINGLE day at a time. Just do what you need to do to get through today.
Don't quit your job unless you have another offer. That's my motto.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Just because you can't see the way things are going to work out doesn't mean that they won't. You would be surprised at how things tend to fall into place when you take that leap of faith.
Do the footwork, and the Universe will show you the way forward.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
we have a hospital here that offers "not so well" childcare for working parents to use when their kid is sick enough to NOT be in school or day care. that is one "resource" to consider. HE is NOT a resource.
i'm not quite sure how you jumped from "sick kid, stupid boss" to "i should just stay with my abusive alcoholic husband" - but it's time to get off that train of thought.
no one said it would be easy. it's time to do research and get creative.
when my daughter was under 2, i had JUST finished two weeks of paid training for a new job and was at my first FULL day of real employment....until the day care called and said my daughter had chickenpox and i needed to come get her immediately.
my very new boss wasn't the warm fuzzy type. she said that while she understood that i had to leave now to go get my daughter, i really needed to have a backup plan in place and she expected me back to work within a day or so. i would not be allowed to stay home for two weeks til the chickenpox was over.
so you know what i did? i cobbled together some people to take turns staying with her and got myself back to work as soon as possible. she survived, i survived. the job ultimately didn't survive.
i like the suggestion about getting a doctor's note so your boss has proof that it was an illness and you weren't just taking time off for a manicure.
i'm not quite sure how you jumped from "sick kid, stupid boss" to "i should just stay with my abusive alcoholic husband" - but it's time to get off that train of thought.
no one said it would be easy. it's time to do research and get creative.
when my daughter was under 2, i had JUST finished two weeks of paid training for a new job and was at my first FULL day of real employment....until the day care called and said my daughter had chickenpox and i needed to come get her immediately.
my very new boss wasn't the warm fuzzy type. she said that while she understood that i had to leave now to go get my daughter, i really needed to have a backup plan in place and she expected me back to work within a day or so. i would not be allowed to stay home for two weeks til the chickenpox was over.
so you know what i did? i cobbled together some people to take turns staying with her and got myself back to work as soon as possible. she survived, i survived. the job ultimately didn't survive.
i like the suggestion about getting a doctor's note so your boss has proof that it was an illness and you weren't just taking time off for a manicure.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hearthealth....26 days ago, you made a thread titled "THE STRENGTH HAS ARRIVED".....and you spoke, candidly, about how you didn't want this life for you and your children.
Your workaholic husband works full time...and you certainly would be given support...
There is a lot of help that many people don't take advantage of because they don't know that it exists.
For one, if you talk to a counselor at the DV organization, you will find that they have resources or know about resources that lots of people don't know about....And, you certainly do qualify for DV assistance---you don't have to have to be physically beaten to be abused. Emotional abuse of you and/or the children counts!
I don't know what state you live in, but there is help through your county social services...you can go on their website and contact one of their social workers....
If you look through the website that I recommended, above, you can find links to resources for your state....
I know that you have struggled with making the decision to "walk through the divorce door" for a long time...you have shared and been very candid with us about this, for a long time....
Don't let anything become an excuse for you to drop your plans and continue to live in this miserable situation with yourself and your kids.....
Get your list of questions to ask the lawyer (from the website that I recommended, and DO go to that appointment with your lawyer.
There are options. There is help. You don't have to be alone, in this......
Your workaholic husband works full time...and you certainly would be given support...
There is a lot of help that many people don't take advantage of because they don't know that it exists.
For one, if you talk to a counselor at the DV organization, you will find that they have resources or know about resources that lots of people don't know about....And, you certainly do qualify for DV assistance---you don't have to have to be physically beaten to be abused. Emotional abuse of you and/or the children counts!
I don't know what state you live in, but there is help through your county social services...you can go on their website and contact one of their social workers....
If you look through the website that I recommended, above, you can find links to resources for your state....
I know that you have struggled with making the decision to "walk through the divorce door" for a long time...you have shared and been very candid with us about this, for a long time....
Don't let anything become an excuse for you to drop your plans and continue to live in this miserable situation with yourself and your kids.....
Get your list of questions to ask the lawyer (from the website that I recommended, and DO go to that appointment with your lawyer.
There are options. There is help. You don't have to be alone, in this......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Thank you.all. I know you are all correct. I wasn't going to cancel my lawyers appointment. I've waited too long for this one. I contacted a co-worker who has been through this and is totally supportive. She has a teenage daughter. Told me to call her anytime to talk.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Hearthealth...good. You need all the help and support that you can get....(we all do, when we are going through a hard time)...
I have been through a lot in my own life...and, I have been around here for a long time, now (Gosh, where has the time gone?!)....I am coming up on almost ten thousand posts..
so, I have read thousands of other people's stories, here....
One thing that I see over and over...regardless of what the situation is...is that those who are willing to reach out for help, and who are willing to receive help (and don't give up), are the ones who reach their goals,,and, reach their goals, the easiest....
I have been through a lot in my own life...and, I have been around here for a long time, now (Gosh, where has the time gone?!)....I am coming up on almost ten thousand posts..
so, I have read thousands of other people's stories, here....
One thing that I see over and over...regardless of what the situation is...is that those who are willing to reach out for help, and who are willing to receive help (and don't give up), are the ones who reach their goals,,and, reach their goals, the easiest....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Originally Posted by qtpi
I don't have children so I don't know about this-- so if I am uninformed, I apologize. I thought FMLA was for sick children as well as other things.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I think FMLA is for long-term illnesses, not a cold or flu or something. My organization (and many companies) allow you to use personal sick leave to take care of a sick child.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Hi there - sorry you are going through this.
I can relate to worry about losing support - I stayed with my XAH for a while because I thought I could not handle working full time and taking care of my son, and while XAH was not the model husband, he was affectionate dad and was sober. Until, he was not, and I realized that he is not my "support" at all.
I cut him loose and thought I won't get through it. I found people to help. Recently I had a nanny quit on me abruptly - familiar panick-y feeling was back. Ended up re-arranging my schedule to start early and finish earlier than usual. Two weeks into - it seems to be working fairly well.
The point I am trying to make is that while change is scary - you will get thought this! Universe will show you the way if you put the footwork in
I can relate to worry about losing support - I stayed with my XAH for a while because I thought I could not handle working full time and taking care of my son, and while XAH was not the model husband, he was affectionate dad and was sober. Until, he was not, and I realized that he is not my "support" at all.
I cut him loose and thought I won't get through it. I found people to help. Recently I had a nanny quit on me abruptly - familiar panick-y feeling was back. Ended up re-arranging my schedule to start early and finish earlier than usual. Two weeks into - it seems to be working fairly well.
The point I am trying to make is that while change is scary - you will get thought this! Universe will show you the way if you put the footwork in
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I can, also, say that when my kids were young...and, I was a single mother of three, at that time...my perpetual dread was that the kids would get sick and need me at home....or, that my one and only car would break down......
Those kinds of fears are legitimate...very real.
Somehow, I managed to get through it.....each little mini crisis of the above...
As did all the other single moms that I knew....I wasn't the only one!! There were millions of other working single mothers in addition to me...
sometimes, we single mothers actually helped each other out when we had to call "help!".......somehow we would McGuiver it....
God knows...we women are resilient...and we multitask and we manage to do what we need to do for our kids.....
Those kinds of fears are legitimate...very real.
Somehow, I managed to get through it.....each little mini crisis of the above...
As did all the other single moms that I knew....I wasn't the only one!! There were millions of other working single mothers in addition to me...
sometimes, we single mothers actually helped each other out when we had to call "help!".......somehow we would McGuiver it....
God knows...we women are resilient...and we multitask and we manage to do what we need to do for our kids.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
The children have been going to counseling and as far as I know they haven't discussed dad pee counselor. Though it sounds like there was another episode the day before counseling. It makes me wonder is it really that bad? Daughter will complain to me that she doesn't want to live with dad. Now I'm wondering.
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