Blogs


Notices

Struggling with my decision to leave

Old 03-02-2017, 02:38 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,188
It may take a while for your children to trust the counselor enough to open up. Kids are loyal, especially with outsiders. They're also smart enough to sense seismic shifts may be happening in your family...and change is always a little scary.
Ariesagain is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Ariesagain For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (03-02-2017)
Old 03-02-2017, 02:44 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,562
Hearthealth...it sounds like you are beginning to minimize the situation....This commonly happens when one is faced with making changes that scare them....
As far at the children...You are the Captain of the Ship. they need you to be strong and confident...as they take their cues from you....They need you to make the decisions that are, overall, in their best welfare....
You make the final decisions.....
You don't want the tail wagging the dog.....

focus straight ahead and acknowledge that you are scared...but, you will complete the mission, anyway.....
dandylion is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
atalose (03-03-2017), Ladybird579 (03-03-2017)
Old 03-02-2017, 03:00 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
How does your daughter's saying she doesn't want to live with Dad lead you to believe it's "not that bad"? As for their not discussing him with the counselor, as Aries pointed out, it takes time for the kids to develop trust and rapport with the counselor. They just started--give it some time.

Remember, too, that the kids may experience what they've endured as problems in school, with friends, with authority figures, or even with you. So they might be talking about those things and still be talking about Dad--indirectly. They don't necessarily make the connections without help.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
atalose (03-03-2017), dandylion (03-02-2017)
Old 03-02-2017, 06:08 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I had a five minute break at work and wanted to pose the question. I wasn't very clear. I didn't understand why they aren't talking about dad. But I also was trying to reinforce with SR that there is a problem with dad.
hearthealth is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to hearthealth For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (03-02-2017)
Old 03-02-2017, 06:22 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
PuzzledHeart's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Sometimes people take a while to speak about what they fear the most. It took me several years and a major bout of depression before I started talking to somebody about the abuse I encountered as a child.
PuzzledHeart is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to PuzzledHeart For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (03-02-2017), dandylion (03-02-2017), firebolt (03-03-2017)
Old 03-02-2017, 11:28 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,562
hearthealth.....lol...you don't have to reinforce anything with us....We get it, in spades, that your husband has "problems".....Great Big Ole Problemos.....
dandylion is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
firebolt (03-03-2017)
Old 03-03-2017, 05:26 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I'm probably two weeks from having him served and afraid that the counselor will be light on husband because children aren't voicing anything, yet.
hearthealth is offline  
Old 03-03-2017, 05:56 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm not sure what you mean by "light on husband"--were you planning to call this counselor as an expert? I think the top priority is to make sure your kids are getting help.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
atalose (03-03-2017), honeypig (03-03-2017), Ladybird579 (03-03-2017), SparkleKitty (03-03-2017)
Old 03-03-2017, 06:04 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,562
Hearthealth...NOW I understand why you have been concerned that the kids may not be talking about "dad", yet.....
I am hoping that your childrens welfare and development is your First concern...so, I will assume that part...
after that, can you explain the other reasons that you are concerned about your concern that the counselor may ?go too light" on the dad? the reason that I ask is that you may have expectations that you may be worrying about...that you may not have to!
What is your actual fear....?
dandylion is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
atalose (03-03-2017), honeypig (03-03-2017)
Old 03-03-2017, 06:08 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Originally Posted by hearthealth View Post
I'm probably two weeks from having him served and afraid that the counselor will be light on husband because children aren't voicing anything, yet.
My boys love their alcoholic dad while knowing he's an abusive mess they do not want around them....ever again! The counselors opinion is unlikely to be taken into account so soon into therapy whether they talk about their dad or not. Also isn't it supposed to be confidential? Your children are unlikely to open up if they know what they say is going to be said in a court.
Ladybird579 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Ladybird579 For This Useful Post:
honeypig (03-03-2017), LexieCat (03-03-2017)
Old 03-03-2017, 06:10 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
Of coarse, Dandylion, my children's welfare is my main concern but if the systems and strangers don't see the damage caused to the children. They will see there's no damage and custody will go 50-50. That's not a solution I want for the children.

The counselor will summarize at the end of each session. I try not to pry but feel I can then ask questions after the couselors comments. I dont pry to my children, if they bring somethimg up to me and then we just talk.
hearthealth is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to hearthealth For This Useful Post:
dandylion (03-03-2017), firebolt (03-03-2017), honeypig (03-03-2017)
Old 03-03-2017, 06:19 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 15,562
HeartHealth....I have no experience, in that area, so I can't make any kind of educated response.....
I hope that others with more experience can chime in....
dandylion is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to dandylion For This Useful Post:
honeypig (03-03-2017)
Old 03-03-2017, 06:56 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's not all going to rest on what the counselor says. What you testify to counts, too. Several people here have had good experiences with a guardian ad litem (GAL) (someone who represents the interests of the children during divorce/custody proceedings).

This is going to be a drawn-out process. Everything won't be decided instantly. Just make sure your lawyer understands your concerns, so the kids' welfare remains at the forefront.
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
AnvilheadII (03-03-2017), atalose (03-03-2017), dandylion (03-03-2017), honeypig (03-03-2017)
Old 03-03-2017, 01:28 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,590
when my mother passed away, she left a will and in it stated that "everything" went to me and my daughter, but with no caveats or ratios (50/50, 60/40).

in order to assure that my mother's wishes were met and that my daughter was given her appropriate "share", my attorney recommended that she have a Guardian ad litem to represent HER interests. while i certainly had no evil intentions, and in fact made "her" share last until her first year of college (she was 9 when my mom died), having an impartial 3rd party to represent her legally was just the right thing to do.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 03-06-2017, 09:32 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,144
I made a list of desires. The meeting eith the new lawyer is today. I contacted friends who have given me help and encouragement. My children will have couseling through this process. Out of the blue I have a plan when he gets served. I don't want to do this but it's for the best. Nothing changes if I don't change.
hearthealth is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to hearthealth For This Useful Post:
dandylion (03-06-2017), firebolt (03-08-2017), LexieCat (03-06-2017), SparkleKitty (03-06-2017)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:47 AM.