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So confused/upset/unsure what to do.

Old 02-26-2017, 06:55 AM
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So confused/upset/unsure what to do.

Short version of a much more complicated story

A man I have been friends with for a very, very long time, who my kids know and enjoy spending time with, crossed a line blurring the line between friends and more than friends a few weeks ago.

It wasn't a terrible thing necessarily but I told him I needed some time to think about how I felt, how this impacted my kids, etc...

He was, as I would have expected, totally understanding, respectful etc...

So fast forward two weeks, we talk, I admit that I care more for him too than just as friends and he tells me that in the short time that I was sorting out my feelings, his adult child announced plans to move cross country and that this shifts my friends plans to be set on sticking around this area...

I should understanding, I should be empathetic, I should chalk it up to timing being off and it being a universe message that we really are just meant to be friends.... Intellectually I get all of that and want to feel all of that.

But ego wise I feel manipulated and jerked around and annoyed. On his part he seems to think that it's totally normal to blur the lines of friendship vs something more, create confusion and then announce he wants to leave the option open to move far away but still wants to revert to being good friends and hanging out while he sorts out what he is going to do...

I have told him I am beyond confused and need to sort out what I think and feel before I speak to him about this anymore...

Problem is, I am struggling to do that-- sort out my feelings that is...

Am I wrong to be so annoyed with him and this whole situation?

Mostly I am irate with myself for having my kids get to know (they've known he and his family since they were babies) him and spend time with him and enjoy his company and now, to me, this feels like my setting my kids up to have yet one more person be wishy washy in their life and I feel like it is my fault.

My knee jerk reaction to this is to want to shut the world out of my kids lives and mine and just have it be we three, because then there would never be room for disappointment...

I know that's nuts... Im just emotionally all over the place with this right now...
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Old 02-26-2017, 08:05 AM
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This sounds like unfortunate circumstance to me, more than any effort to manipulate or dupe you on his part, and taking his wishy-washiness personally feels like a disproportionate response. But I think it says a lot about how ready for the give and take of a relationship you might or might not be at this point.

This is disappointing, and something of an ego bruise, but ask yourself, if he does decide to move away, will you regret not having spent a little more time enjoying his friendship? Or does your instinct say he only wants to hang out more to see if he can push that boundary a little further? It's okay not to know, this stuff is complicated, and it's totally okay to step back while you work it out. If he does decide to move your kids will come through it, with guidance from you not to take it personally.
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Old 02-26-2017, 08:23 AM
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You say this is someone you have been friends with for a very long time. The line between friends and friends with benefits got blurred and you didn’t think it was anything terrible but needed some time to think about it.

Was there a discussion when the line got blurred about a future together? Dating? Spending the rest of your life together?

Mostly I am irate with myself for having my kids get to know (they've known he and his family since they were babies) him and spend time with him and enjoy his company and now, to me, this feels like my setting my kids up to have yet one more person be wishy washy in their life and I feel like it is my fault.
That seems like a lot of projection especially for someone who for all this time was a “friend”.

Is it possible that in the few weeks that you needed time to figure things out, you figured a future life with him and now you are feeling hurt about a romantic relationship that may not happen?
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Old 02-26-2017, 08:26 AM
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How much do your kids really need to know about this? I mean, if you've been friends for years why let that go? Male/female relationships often have this type of hiccup - I think it's part of trying to be friends with the opposite sex.

Expectations on both your parts seem to need adjustment. Give it a little time, I would say.
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Old 02-26-2017, 08:37 AM
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WTH....I would say that you are asking an awful lot by being angry with him for not being crystal clear, when you, yourself, are not /have not been crystal clear about your motives and intentions.

I think disappointment would be the most appropriate reaction to this kind of situation......
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Old 02-26-2017, 09:07 AM
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He's moving across country, not to the moon. I don't see a massive problem here. You could still met up and see how things go. My only confusion is why he has to move cos his ADULT child is? Am not following that. My bf lives Europe and I only see him when we can meet up. It's not ideal but it's given me much needed space to work on my own issues. It sounds to me you aren't sure what you want and he's not a mind reader.
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Old 02-26-2017, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by atalose View Post
You say this is someone you have been friends with for a very long time. The line between friends and friends with benefits got blurred and you didn’t think it was anything terrible but needed some time to think about it.

Was there a discussion when the line got blurred about a future together? Dating? Spending the rest of your life together?



That seems like a lot of projection especially for someone who for all this time was a “friend”.

Is it possible that in the few weeks that you needed time to figure things out, you figured a future life with him and now you are feeling hurt about a romantic relationship that may not happen?
I think I am neurotic about having my kids spend any degree of time with males in my life - friends or otherwise - because I am hyper worried about there being any level of expectation/dependence/disappointment from any more males due to what a mess things are with their dad...

I am certain I have put way too much meaning on their enjoying hanging out with this friend of mine and I probably need to relax...

All along I have been happy for us to be just friends, but as he made more and more of an effort and my kids really enjoyed his being around, I felt like maybe I ought to try and make myself want this to be more than it was...

Not sure if that answers anything you asked or just muddies things more... I guess I am trying to sort out my own feelings still about this-- it has become more complicated than I wanted...
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Old 02-26-2017, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Ladybird579 View Post
He's moving across country, not to the moon. I don't see a massive problem here. You could still met up and see how things go. My only confusion is why he has to move cos his ADULT child is? Am not following that. My bf lives Europe and I only see him when we can meet up. It's not ideal but it's given me much needed space to work on my own issues. It sounds to me you aren't sure what you want and he's not a mind reader.
Yup. To all of it... I think there is at a root here, some level of my wanting to be judgmental (Im trying to be honest here!) about this notion that his ADULT child choosing to move somehow means he will too...

I grew up with a parent who felt threatened by the idea of my moving away and wanting to have my own young adult life and apart from the myriad other issues at play here, Im trying very hard to not offer my two cents about how it maybe isn't the healthiest approach to think that since he (my friend) feels he doesnt have a set and established life here, it's a good idea to up and move like his son.

I tend to think there are not a ton of young 20 somethings who would want their parent to move cross country with them...

I need to sort out my own stuff I guess rather than sit and judge and be annoyed by choices of others...
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Old 02-26-2017, 12:21 PM
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Sounds to me like you're working this through just fine. Sounds to me like you just got a bit blindsided by the apparent change in the relationship and then the second thoughts that seemed to follow. It could be he doesn't feel that the "more than friends" relationship would work out. And that's OK, too--he might not have realized it until it headed in that direction. It happens. One person re-thinks.

But either way, try not to let it throw you too much. Life will go on.

Hugs!
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Old 02-26-2017, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Sounds to me like you're working this through just fine. Sounds to me like you just got a bit blindsided by the apparent change in the relationship and then the second thoughts that seemed to follow. It could be he doesn't feel that the "more than friends" relationship would work out. And that's OK, too--he might not have realized it until it headed in that direction. It happens. One person re-thinks.

But either way, try not to let it throw you too much. Life will go on.

Hugs!
He actually has made it clear that what he would like is to play "let's date one another while I (he) decides whether he's following his adult son out west".

Needless to say, Im not a fan of that plan where my feelings or those my kids are involved...

So I am left trying to decide if I even want to bother remaining friends at this juncture bc I am just so annoyed...

I would think that at 50+, a man would know better than to suggest such an "arrangement" to someone he ought to know better than to suggest it to
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Old 02-26-2017, 12:42 PM
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WBH...sounds like this has already turned in a southward direction...?
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Old 02-26-2017, 01:38 PM
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Heya Wanttobehealthy. You feel whatever you feel about it. For what it is worth, I would have been a bit thrown by this kind of thing too. Let those feelings come and let them go . . . and if you are anything like me they keep coming back

Sigh . . . life just seems to offer unlimited opportunities to face up to our own inner yuck whatever that may be.

Big hug.
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Old 02-26-2017, 02:06 PM
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so after he put on the full-court press or whatever and you put up the NO hand.........did you then think that maybe you DID want something more? could this be more about YOUR feelings than his actions?

trust me, i get why you'd be gun shy about letting any man get close. and also how nice it must have been to have a "friend" that happened to be male and was of a different caliber (species???) from your ex.

so let's say the "line blurring" incident had NOT happened.

and then he tells you his possible plans to move away.

i suspect you'd probably still feel.........let down, disappointed, sad? that a person that you trusted and felt comfortable with might be going far away? a brick out of your wall of support?
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Old 02-27-2017, 07:01 AM
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I guess for myself, I would look at it as though the stars are not aligned for more, but I would not want to lose a good friend over this.

As far as kids, I get you. I have pretty much decided until my kids are 18 that there won't be any serious men in my life. The risk is much too high for so many things. They need me right now, not me and some guy. I would date sure, if the right guy came along, but absolutely nothing more serious, and likely not have him spend any time w/my kids. Although if it were someone I was already friends with that would be different.

I am happy to have male friends who I trust around my children. They need to see from other males in their lives, grown adults, how men should treat other women and children. Luckily for me, I have some great guy friends who exhibit that to them, as well as their male counselor.

Tight hugs friend. You have been though so much, give yourself a break and know you are a great momma bear!
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Old 02-27-2017, 08:33 AM
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idk, I kinda think you're freaking out over nothing.

If your kids have been getting close to him as a friend & he moves away then it's a normal life experience - people move. DD's BFF moved in the 3rd grade with little warning but I didn't freak out because her mom didn't give me a heads up so I could cushion DD's disappointment. Our best friends moved across the country years ago & while it truly sucks, we've maintained & strengthened our friendships. Other friends have moved & we've lost contact & that's OK too - totally normal.

If you are more interested in him in a dating sense then it all sounds too early for the kids to even know about that or be affected by it. They aren't being disappointed by a man who is filling a father role in their lives, so no reason to beat yourself up for that either.

Whether moving is the right thing for him or not is for him to decide - is it possible you're just projecting a whole mixed bag of stuff between your ExAH's abandonment of the girls & the issues you mention about your own parents not wanting you to move away having such similarity to his reasons for this move?

Either way - it sounds like this has all revealed more to you that you might not have found out about otherwise - maybe THAT's the whole lesson here? That regardless of what he does, he may not be the right fit for your life, in any capacity?
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Old 03-01-2017, 10:51 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
so after he put on the full-court press or whatever and you put up the NO hand.........did you then think that maybe you DID want something more? could this be more about YOUR feelings than his actions?

trust me, i get why you'd be gun shy about letting any man get close. and also how nice it must have been to have a "friend" that happened to be male and was of a different caliber (species???) from your ex.

so let's say the "line blurring" incident had NOT happened.

and then he tells you his possible plans to move away.

i suspect you'd probably still feel.........let down, disappointed, sad? that a person that you trusted and felt comfortable with might be going far away? a brick out of your wall of support?
You're totally spot on... with all of it... I was trying to convince myself that I felt more than I think I do after his full court press so to speak... I think I figured that maybe to sustain things as they were with him (and I did and do enjoy him as a friend) I should make myself more into him than I was...

And when I had him over to chat and try to sort out what a new normal should be, I was taken aback by the "maybe Im moving, maybe not..."

Sigh... I should just learn to be ok with life not being predictable.

Maybe this is more about me needing to learn to cope with things in life being unpredictable sometimes...

Clearly, that is not something I am ok with.... and maybe that's the lesson for me and the work I need to do in all of this...

I am fine with friendships that don't cross beyond a certain line. I control how much I share, what side of me people see etc... And this whole circumstance with my friend, took me by surprise because I had a view of how it would go and felt that it was predictable and then it turned out not to be...
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Old 03-01-2017, 11:06 AM
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Old 03-01-2017, 11:09 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I guess for myself, I would look at it as though the stars are not aligned for more, but I would not want to lose a good friend over this.

As far as kids, I get you. I have pretty much decided until my kids are 18 that there won't be any serious men in my life. The risk is much too high for so many things. They need me right now, not me and some guy. I would date sure, if the right guy came along, but absolutely nothing more serious, and likely not have him spend any time w/my kids. Although if it were someone I was already friends with that would be different.

I am happy to have male friends who I trust around my children. They need to see from other males in their lives, grown adults, how men should treat other women and children. Luckily for me, I have some great guy friends who exhibit that to them, as well as their male counselor.

Tight hugs friend. You have been though so much, give yourself a break and know you are a great momma bear!
Im with you-- not going to bring my kids around someone I might date... I think that I got confused about what this friends role was (since long before he crossed the friend line he was spending more time with us than probably a friend would).

So I think right now my lingering annoyance/upset is with myself for maybe not having boundaries be as clear as they should have been years ago... sigh...
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Old 03-01-2017, 12:00 PM
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Well give yourself a break friend! And, everyone feels a little different about this, I was only giving my opinion for what it's worth.

My goodness, it's a learning process. Be kind to you, you have went through a lot and it won't all just be butterflies figuring out your path, and that is absolutely OK!

Tight Hugs!
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Old 03-03-2017, 05:25 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Well give yourself a break friend! And, everyone feels a little different about this, I was only giving my opinion for what it's worth.

My goodness, it's a learning process. Be kind to you, you have went through a lot and it won't all just be butterflies figuring out your path, and that is absolutely OK!

Tight Hugs!
I needed all the perspectives to help me sort out what I was and wasn't conflicted about-- I really appreciated yours, as always Thank you!
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