soinlove

I'll start by saying my apology up front for the lengthy post ... I'm in a situation & need guidance & support... I've been on SR awhile and there have been plenty of ups and downs -- he did so well for 8.5 months we were so happy. Anyway, to the most recent happenings... I moved this past summer to a much smaller house but it was good for the kids and i( I have three, however the oldest was planning on finishing this last year of high school at same school so was going to primarily stay with her dad- but it's only 30 min away regardless). So recently life here has gone thru it's ups and downs with abf recovering from surgery ,3 hormonal teenagers& I'll admit my own insecurities, but we plug along. Last week the chaos intensified ( I won't go into specifics ) which put me under much more pressure & I got way more emotional and needy than normal trying to cope with it all( child related ). It's out a crazy amount of pressure on him & he's having a hard time coping.
I must say we have the most deep, true love either of us have ever known ❤️. When he's super stressed he asks to close the door and that I just lay down by him so he can hold me , says it helps make all of it seem to melt away for a bit.
However a few days ago I could tell he had gotten to this maxed out /overwhelmed place and yes he started drinking some. The night last week that he asked me to lay by him so he could hold me he also brought up something that rattled me. He said ,... He loves me to the depths of his soul and I'm the best thing that has ever happened to him, & he loves the kids ( even tho they aren't his own ). He stressed and overwhelmed and claustrophobic in this little bitty house with all five of us plus 2 dogs (3 bd/1ba, no basement ) No room to breathe & unwind when he needs too. He wants us to buy s house together both of us, he's still saving at the moment , but is shooting for this fall. Said that he doesn't want to lose me & he's terrified
that he will, but wants to talk through things with me and cone up with a plan.. he needs more space , he's drowning in this tiny house and doesn't think he can make it 5 more months, what if he moved to get some sosve, but we were still together , a couple, spent time together, dates, weekends, he came over & had dinner with kids, etc
... My reaction ? Looking back, not the best-- I panicked--- I welled up with tears & said I hear him but it would only be z couple more months until the lease was up & we could move to something bigger. I was scared & pulled away and told him I loved him more than words but if he left that may be a deal breaker, I didn't know if I could handle that.
He said ok he was just trying to open up & tell me where he was at , but we'd figure something out.
The next few days had the normal ebbs and flows.. He either yesterday, I took kids out of town to see my family . I got several messages throughout the day from him , I hope you're having a good day I love you. Etc . Then later I find out that he'd moved his stuff out of the house ,& hit a message saying, I love you so much , I'm sorry, I just need some space .
I came home late last night and sure enough it's gone ... But he left a note.. Said I love you , I just didn't know any any " easy" way to do this but I need some space and this house has gotten too small for us all. He said he took copies of a stack of pictures of he & I, then says " I'd like to talk to you about this more."
...& that took place last night ...
So tell me, what us this ?... He's been drinking the past 2 weeks , he's never said I'm done this is over, actually the opposite. Can this truly be his way of getting space to decompress or whatever .. I mean honestly when I moved into this house it was for the kids and I as a temporary --1 year anyway and I admit it's very tight .. If this is what he needs at the moment, I should just wait and see ?.. Talk thru things with him as he mentioned & go from there ?.

Ariesagain

It's not possible to know now. He may not even know. On the one hand, if he is an introvert, that situation would be very difficult. I am an introvert and I would find that to be much too much, even in a larger house...I can't deal well with discord for any length of time in my home.

On the other hand...he has a history with alcohol. If he's using this "space" as a way to isolate and drink...that's different.

More will be revealed. Keep busy with other things (that shouldn't be a problem with three teens, right?)and trust but verify, as they say.

hearthealth

It seems that you accepted the tight space more than he accepted the living arrangements. So what do you want to do?

Ladybird579

I feel for you. My boyfriend comes over periodically from Europe and has to sleep in the living room on a mattress and I am in there too in my own bed. It's a tiny space we live in but my boys love it here and each have their own rooms. My boyfriend would like it if I moved somewhere bigger but I won't. Am not his wife lol. Tensions run high at times. He sleeps at weird times and my boys disturb him but I won't set rules when it's their home. They were here first. He's not an alcoholic but I can see it would be even harder if he was.

He might be better in a bigger place but I'd be wary of following that through until he's been sober a very long time as needing his own space could be an excuse to drink in peace. He's not in recovery while he's still drinking..nowhere near. Alcoholics use stress as an excuse to drink too. Do what suits you and your kids, not him.

Nata1980

Hi there! Sorry you are going through this.

"He started drinking more" because you/kids/house/dogs/his boss/rude person in line at the grocery store/insert whatever all people have to cope at times with
"stress him out".....

This is not about the house. If he is introvert and space is too small - he would spend more time outdoors/doing solitary activities.....

IMO - he wants an opportunity to drink what he wants when he wants in quantities he wants. I could be wrong - but with my X it worked exactly like this - professing me deep love, needing to be held, being "stressed and overwhelmed" (not sure by what - he was not really working at all - just picking DS from school - so the dude had more than a half of a day to himself. Every single day. He never relapsed at times he was busy). Then I would bust him drinking and he would move out. And drink more, to the point of physical harm to himself. And then sober up, crawl back, go to AA. At times "moving out" was going to rehab.

Addicts use substances to cope with "stresses" all people have. Sounds like you assumed this "I will take care of him and de-stress him" role. While it does happen in normal relationships - you have to get something back too. What you have is a whiny addict-child who is "so stressed" and you get NOTHING, and proceed to blame yourself, the house, and your unruly children for "stressing him out". Your post is about him. What about your stress of person your love just leaving cause "it is a tad too uncomfortable"?

You really have no choice but letting him go and, hopefully, you won't accept him back without him making major changes. Do you really want a partner who bails when things get tough with children? Money? Living arrangements?

Use this as an opportunity to work on yourself and take care of yourself and the kids

Virtual hugs to you and the kids

dandylion

soinlove....I think that both of you need space right now, to work on yourselves...
so, space can be an important thing, IF, it is used in the right way.....
I don't think he has much statistical chance of reaching genuine recovery if he is not working an intensive program...like AA/working the steps/having a sponsor and a counselor. Early recovery stage takes one to two years...if he is intensely working it....it consumes a lot of time, and persistent effort.
A mansion may not be enough space for a practicing alcoholic, unless they are willing to make lifelong abstainence their first priority....
It doesn't sound to me like he is ready for taking on the family thing....it may be more than he is able/willing to cope with....
If he doesn't get truly sober....and into recovery, then you will lose him anyway.

More will be revealed.....

SparkleKitty

Please do not entwine yourself financially in a house with someone with anything less than a year's sobriety and actual recovery under their belt. Recovery is meant to teach new ways of coping with life on life's terms, not just when it's easy or convenient.

If your love for each other is as strong as you claim, you will both work to bring your best selves to the relationship before you enmesh finances and children under one roof.

dandylion

soinlove....in addition to everything else....the teen years are worst possible time to bring another parent figure into the family tent.
blended family are hard, hard, hard, in even the most "ideal" of situations.
If the teen agers are acting out, now....it would probably get worse....

I sincerely suggest that if you don't have a counselor, to get one as soon as possible to help you with your decision making....this is too hard to do, alone....
Also, there are some good books on the subject of blended families....and, I think you would relate to the material....
Even if he doesn't have any children...it is still a "blended" family....

LOl...some even say that a man and a woman is a "blended family"
(joke),,,

Refiner

I'm sorry SIL but I really hope you actually wish him GONE and no just "needing space". He is an addict and at least for now he has the wherewithal to let you live your life being a strong, successful woman raising some great kids and even getting ready to purchase her family their very own home. He knows you don't need the addict albatross around your neck weighing you down at every opportunity. From your very first post: "I feel that it's bc he's trying to figure out if he can get himself together & be sober, if so we'll move forward.. If not this awful demon will take him." Let him go,
SIL. He really IS doing you a favor. Believe him.

atalose

In my opinion I would step back as he has and work on you. I wouldn't bend and twist and jump in efforts to please him and attempt to meet his needs. Focus on your own needs and one of those needs at this time should be not to count on or entangle yourself financially with someone who has gone back to drinking.

He can talk all about his stress, the small house, all the kids, etc. etc. none of that can cover over the fact he is in fact drinking again. It only goes does downhill from there. Each relapse is worse then the one before.

Work on you and your need to need him. Work on becoming at peace with being alone, not being identified with a relationship.

soinlove

.. I see some good points mentioned here, thank you. I've spentany years with this man. We always say between ourselves " we both have plenty of our own issues we each need to work on but we love one another more than words can say". So yes we each admittedly need to work on ourselves& each brought baggage to the relationship . I'm better at the multi tasking balancing aspects of it all as I've done this for so long ( my kids are 18,13,15). I do need to work on my self confidence, adding positive other friendships & activities , & working with my kiddos to get thru some things,& of course continuing to address my anxiety disorder.
Time will tell with him. I know that most recently it went 8+ months completely sober.. The setback came after a major surgery that ended up requiring a month longer of recover time ( no working) than the original 10 weeks. I know that I've never been able to step back like this before & evaluate things like this vs making a knee jerk decision. Honestly I know in my heart this is a temporary thing as we do both need to work on things & yet we truly do love one another enough to be able to step back and say wait, let's do this the right way ..

AnvilheadII

I must say we have the most deep, true love either of us have ever known

I got several messages throughout the day from him , I hope you're having a good day I love you. Etc . Then later I find out that he'd moved his stuff out of the house ,& hit a message saying, I love you so much , I'm sorry, I just need some space .


statement #1 doesn't match up with statement #2...........does it?

i love you so much that i am going to pack up and LEAVE while sending you cheery texts throughout the day. not very honest, up front or loving eh?

He's been drinking the past 2 weeks

with a house full of 3 kids, of any age, best that the drinker is out of the picture. i imagine they too have felt confined, stressed, confused. put your focus on what THEY need, now.....

soinlove

.. I see some good points mentioned here, thank you. On the other hand I feel that I need to defend myself???????
My children are a huge part of my life. They are at their dads half the tune however and being teenagers aren't home much when they are here. I guess every alcoholic is different. Mine isn't loud, belligerent, obnoxious etc.. He is the quiet introvert type.. Worn out after work has a couple of drinks , takes a nap , wakes up has dinner, then watched a movie with me while having several more. I can count on one hand the number of times he's been " out" to a public place without me just to drink in the 4+ years we've been together.

We always say between ourselves " we both have plenty of our own issues we each need to work on but we love one another more than words can say". So yes we each admittedly need to work on ourselves& each brought baggage to the relationship . I'm better at the multi tasking balancing aspects of it all as I've done this for so long ( my kids are 18,13,15). I do need to work on my self confidence, adding positive other friendships & activities , & working with my kiddos to get thru some things,& of course continuing to address my anxiety disorder.
Time will tell with him. I know that most recently it went 8+ months completely sober.. The setback came after a major surgery that ended up requiring a month longer of recover time ( no working) than the original 10 weeks. I know that I've never been able to step back like this before & evaluate things like this vs making a knee jerk decision. Honestly I know in my heart this is a temporary thing as we do both need to work on things & yet we truly do love one another enough to be able to step back and say wait, let's do this the right way ..
And no I do not wish him to be "gone completely" as someone mentioned -- that I cannot even fathom. I am scared for him & worried about him . And I cannot imagine the inner h*ll he is going thru, I've only seen it from the outside& it's truly awful

dandylion

soinlove....you say that this is a "temporary thing, in your heart"....
You do get it, don't you...? that recovery has to be ongoing for the rest of his life.
He has to be working some kind of program (diligently) for the rest of his life....

do keep reading, and keep learning.....

honeypig

Yeah, mine was the "quiet introvert" type too. Unfortunately he was also the "lie right in your face for the best part of 20 years b/c I know you'll believe whatever I tell you" type.

The thing about the "quiet introvert" type is that it's so easy to convince yourself that things aren't really that bad. He doesn't hit me, we don't have loud fights...but he also isn't really there, isn't really part of the relationship. He checks out w/alcohol, retreating rather than engaging.

After I finally divorced XAH, I was astounded at how much of what I'd thought about him was composed of wishful thinking, moonbeams and stardust. I'm willing to bet you're in the same boat but just don't know it yet. Try looking at his ACTIONS instead of his WORDS and see how that matches up w/what you imagine him to be.

dandylion

soinlove....I am not saying at all, that I think you are a bad mother.....I hate that you m ight think that.
i was a single mother of three kids...and, have been through the teen years with them.....
I am just trying to let you know where the rocks in the water, are....
I truly sympathize with you, as I know what it is like....
It is complex and difficult.....oh, yes.....
I know that sometimes, we can get so tied up in our human emotions and feelings that we hardly know east from west......

maia1234

Sil,
Hon, we all love our addicts, and they are all good people to till they are not. A healthy person does not pack his bags, while you are out of town, after 4 years together and leaves. You needed him and were stressed, he cant possibly be there for you. Welcome to a relationship with an addict, them first always.

You have to understand that addicts want space and don't want people watching them drink; when they know they shouldnt be drinking. They live with a lot of guilt. If you don't see the drinking, you can't be disappointed, and they aren't hurting you as much.

I agree with the other posters, you have wasted to much of your time on abf. Spend this time focusing on your kids and you getting healthy. Hit some alanon meetings. He will be back, who knows what shape he will be in. But hopefully you will be working on yourself, and know that a relationship with an alcoholic is never healthy.

schnappi99

When I used language like "needing my space" and then isolating it was because I was fully absorbed in selfishness. No doubt he has limits to tolerance for stress in his living situation- I fully get that as I do as well, but the responsible thing to do is open some kind of negotiation involving consideration of what you want, and not just walk out leaving you alone with a pack of teenagers.

atalose

I’ve come to learn and understand defending behaviors. Some I’ve done myself others I’ve witnessed.

Minimizing how much they drink. Defending where they drink. Defending how much they drink. Defending them using understanding of THEIR feelings. Defending their needs and wants. Minimizing our own.

Defending a downgrade in relationship status from living together back to just dating.

I’m sure your immediate plan is to sit tight until your lease is close to being up then diligently find a large home for ALL of you.

I’m sure you will be more then understanding, pleasing and supportive of his choice to move out. And only time will reveal if working on issues really happens. Will he seek counseling? Therapy? AA meetings? What action other then moving out is he going to take to work on the issue? What actions will you take, counseling? Therapy? Al-anon? to work on your issues?

When you are so enmeshed in the big picture it’s hard to look objectively at the entire situation as many of us see it. How he moved out wasn’t loving at all, right now it’s hard for you to see that so defending his actions keeps the hope of a happily ever after alive. Giving up a toxic relationship love or no love is extremely difficult especially when we don’t see it as toxic. Much like the alcoholic doesn’t see their drinking as a problem.

Alcoholics are selfish introverted or not the disease is one of thought, self -thought, about themselves always, first and for most and it’s lifelong.

AnvilheadII

ok, i'm confused.....this was from your first post on 07-12-16:

My long time live in alcoholic bf left abruptly recently..& I'm a wreck. We are best friends and had so many future plans...

so is that a DIFFERENT abrupt move out?