Is he gone or is this truly space?
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by soinlove 
Ok so here I am today.. Kids & I had a good week, lots of positive progress there (** side note : these three are my kiddos, my guy has been involved several years, but bottom line I'm mom, raised primarily by me since 1,3,&5.... Since moving this past summer, their dad now lives only a miles a way and sees them several times s week too)
Had date with ABF on Wed(2 days ago), had high hopes, but scared.. Awkward at first ..& rightfully so as I had some hurt, anger, fear,,etc .. That was talked out and I admit there were things brought up previously by him that I chose to ignore-not deal with - not discuss, as well as alcohol behaviors I saw, too... Long story short, yes I saw some of the signs but never imagined this would just happen .
Of course he never said " his space " was due to alcohol ( I know that alcohol is def a Huge factor ),& he talked at length over our very nice dinner at a very nice place, about him being scared to not be able to be who he should be, to not be the guy he wants to be& good role model for my son, professed how much he loves me& that being away from me is hurting him & he's been scared . Askedy thoughts on what I wanted to do, could do, what I saw happening from here etc..& vice versa, we came to agreement .; just to take things slow & each of us work on ourselves & we work on rebuilding "us" too. We talked and talked for hours, asked to to go out again Sat night and dog park on Sunday ... held my hand, kissed me in the restaurant , walked me to my car , kissed me more.. He even text me again when he got to his place : glad we did this, he loves me, good night .
Oddly , I have now not gotten a call or text since (48 hours). Two of my kids have text him about random stuff,& he text each of them back .(& wishbone of them he mentioned coming here to my house next weekend to help do something ) But not me? My feelings are hurt.. Maybe he's scared,,? Maybe he's trying to keep things slow?. Drinking?-- but if so, you wouldn't think he'd text kids? I guess I never asked about what he felt was too often to touch base, idk, I've lived with the guy for 3.5 years, I didn't think to go over this, but actually when I think back to us first "dating" he wasn't so much of talk every day person , idk it frustrates me & my already off the charts anxiety levels are out of control .. 3 hours of sleep maybe ? Il itmrin this out I guess mm when I see him next ... Surely he will not blow me off?.. Not sure I could take that at this point oh gheez
Had date with ABF on Wed(2 days ago), had high hopes, but scared.. Awkward at first ..& rightfully so as I had some hurt, anger, fear,,etc .. That was talked out and I admit there were things brought up previously by him that I chose to ignore-not deal with - not discuss, as well as alcohol behaviors I saw, too... Long story short, yes I saw some of the signs but never imagined this would just happen .
Of course he never said " his space " was due to alcohol ( I know that alcohol is def a Huge factor ),& he talked at length over our very nice dinner at a very nice place, about him being scared to not be able to be who he should be, to not be the guy he wants to be& good role model for my son, professed how much he loves me& that being away from me is hurting him & he's been scared . Askedy thoughts on what I wanted to do, could do, what I saw happening from here etc..& vice versa, we came to agreement .; just to take things slow & each of us work on ourselves & we work on rebuilding "us" too. We talked and talked for hours, asked to to go out again Sat night and dog park on Sunday ... held my hand, kissed me in the restaurant , walked me to my car , kissed me more.. He even text me again when he got to his place : glad we did this, he loves me, good night .
Oddly , I have now not gotten a call or text since (48 hours). Two of my kids have text him about random stuff,& he text each of them back .(& wishbone of them he mentioned coming here to my house next weekend to help do something ) But not me? My feelings are hurt.. Maybe he's scared,,? Maybe he's trying to keep things slow?. Drinking?-- but if so, you wouldn't think he'd text kids? I guess I never asked about what he felt was too often to touch base, idk, I've lived with the guy for 3.5 years, I didn't think to go over this, but actually when I think back to us first "dating" he wasn't so much of talk every day person , idk it frustrates me & my already off the charts anxiety levels are out of control .. 3 hours of sleep maybe ? Il itmrin this out I guess mm when I see him next ... Surely he will not blow me off?.. Not sure I could take that at this point oh gheez
Soinlove
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 47
Re
...I should admit I have my own issue- anxiety disorder,since I was a kid. So thst has always been my own battle i deal with, separately from stuff with him. I have however started seeing a new doctor for it this week, as well as focusing on some me things that have been much needed. Gym, bought concert tickets for an out of state venue I've always wanted to go to (treat this summer for myself).I am reading a lot,journaling, doing research & signed up to help with my daughtwrs team fundrauser, & figuring out some things about me that are much over due.
..He hit rock bottom 2 days ago.....let me know what happened and that he started his steps, and getting on path to get himself healthy again.
Yes I'm having a hard time not seeing him( it has been 5 days), but we both agreed we both need to work on ourselves , then we can slowly try to rebuild us .
That's all I can ask & expect right now... I've been enabling him, along with not dealing with my own stuff as I should. Its a long road, but feel like the right steps are being taken right now ..
..He hit rock bottom 2 days ago.....let me know what happened and that he started his steps, and getting on path to get himself healthy again.
Yes I'm having a hard time not seeing him( it has been 5 days), but we both agreed we both need to work on ourselves , then we can slowly try to rebuild us .
That's all I can ask & expect right now... I've been enabling him, along with not dealing with my own stuff as I should. Its a long road, but feel like the right steps are being taken right now ..
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Sometimes...."all you really have is yourself"(and that's okay)..and for me I will add I have God, or the Higher Power, Spirit or whatever you want to call it. It boils down to you...regardless of what anyone else does, no matter how much you love them. It comes back to you and what you are doing....And, for some us, we have our dogs, our guitars, and a good book!! (praise the Lord, smile)
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
He hit rock bottom 2 days ago.....let me know what happened and that he started his steps, and getting on path to get himself healthy again
Am all for transparency but it does seem like he's attention seeking in all this.
Am all for transparency but it does seem like he's attention seeking in all this.
Soinlove
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 47
Update..
.. Still working on me& kids.. Getting a lot stronger I must say. I've taken a lot of big steps, proud of myself. Yes, still in contact with him, had a date night last night actually. He brought up something that I had to do some serious soul searching on.... He said he's almost forty & is so ashamed at the life he's led, he knows that he had to make it work this time and he has to focus on him... Not sure he can " do " a relationship while he's trying to get thru this... although there's no one in the world he wants to be with more than me. But he doesn't blame me either if I can't wait while he does this. Said that the past 2 weeks have been a living hell ( is living on his own right now ) since he moved out.. He's been physically ill from drinking and then getting sober, but also, from being in such unfamiliar territory ..(Living on his own again for first time in 3 years, not seeing much or kids... Uncomfortable by himself , with his family , even at work , he hates it but knows it's a must do, life or death time for him )
After a walk and a lot of thinking & online research , I came to the conclusion that this man is truly scared for his life& knows that truly he has to change this and knows that he must give it all he's got & not have relationship worries too.. I instantly knew ... There was no way I could just walk away from this man.
I told him that I wAnt him to be healthy and know that it's going to be a lot of work on his part & I love him more than he knows and will continue on my day to day life. But also that I truly & honestly love him and will support him. That no I do have to have him in my life, but I want him there & healthy or working on getting there and if that means little time for me, then so be it.
So.. Here we go... Wish me luck ( I've never been able to step back in a relationship before to this extent and truly put the other persons needs line this above what I want " right now"... But I realized that if it came down to a only a choice b/t us as a couple or him getting and staying sober, I'd choose the latter, even tho it may kill me)
After a walk and a lot of thinking & online research , I came to the conclusion that this man is truly scared for his life& knows that truly he has to change this and knows that he must give it all he's got & not have relationship worries too.. I instantly knew ... There was no way I could just walk away from this man.
I told him that I wAnt him to be healthy and know that it's going to be a lot of work on his part & I love him more than he knows and will continue on my day to day life. But also that I truly & honestly love him and will support him. That no I do have to have him in my life, but I want him there & healthy or working on getting there and if that means little time for me, then so be it.
So.. Here we go... Wish me luck ( I've never been able to step back in a relationship before to this extent and truly put the other persons needs line this above what I want " right now"... But I realized that if it came down to a only a choice b/t us as a couple or him getting and staying sober, I'd choose the latter, even tho it may kill me)
Last edited by soinlove; 03-19-2017 at 04:23 PM. Reason: Forgot a word
Soinlove
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Midwest
Posts: 47
...lots of posts and advice-- thank you.
I am working on me. Realizing that I have codependency issues to work on & work through...& just a few days asgo was the one year mark since my dad died of cancer .. Still working thru that too. ( not sure if I've ever mentioned, but my dad was an alcoholic too, but not the same as my abf.)
He & I have talked & he admitted he's scared for his life..that he knows he must do this now or it will kill him. He was very scared & sad & told me that in order for him to succeed he has to make recovery, meetings,etc first if he wants tobreaslky make this work... Relkastionship has to be put on back burner., that he knows its not fair to me & that he loves me & wants me in his life,but he also has to ficus on this.
I've read enough to know this is all true ( although part of me selfishly. Had an initial thought of " what about me").
I said OK, do this for you ,do it 100%, & I'll be behind u all the way ; if we are going to be successful & grow forward you have to do this for you.
He cried, he said he'd been so scared to tell me this because he thought I'd walk away- although couldn't blame me if I did.
So we were trying this, he's in his own place, going to meetings, gettting comfortable in his own skin again without me "holding his hand"....& I'm trying to do the same... I'll admit I've started having anxiety asttacks every day this week though about an hour before its time to get off work & go home.. Knowing he won't be there.
I'm OK a lot of the time, but miss him terribly... We do talk or text every day tho, so I guess we'll see... Praying a lot too
I am working on me. Realizing that I have codependency issues to work on & work through...& just a few days asgo was the one year mark since my dad died of cancer .. Still working thru that too. ( not sure if I've ever mentioned, but my dad was an alcoholic too, but not the same as my abf.)
He & I have talked & he admitted he's scared for his life..that he knows he must do this now or it will kill him. He was very scared & sad & told me that in order for him to succeed he has to make recovery, meetings,etc first if he wants tobreaslky make this work... Relkastionship has to be put on back burner., that he knows its not fair to me & that he loves me & wants me in his life,but he also has to ficus on this.
I've read enough to know this is all true ( although part of me selfishly. Had an initial thought of " what about me").
I said OK, do this for you ,do it 100%, & I'll be behind u all the way ; if we are going to be successful & grow forward you have to do this for you.
He cried, he said he'd been so scared to tell me this because he thought I'd walk away- although couldn't blame me if I did.
So we were trying this, he's in his own place, going to meetings, gettting comfortable in his own skin again without me "holding his hand"....& I'm trying to do the same... I'll admit I've started having anxiety asttacks every day this week though about an hour before its time to get off work & go home.. Knowing he won't be there.
I'm OK a lot of the time, but miss him terribly... We do talk or text every day tho, so I guess we'll see... Praying a lot too
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