Silence to be hurtful

Old 01-28-2002, 07:35 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Peoria, IL USA
Posts: 105
Angry Silence to be hurtful

My A showed up yesterday. He said he was having trouble with his truck and needed tools out of the garage. Didn't ask how anyone was or what the kids have been up to or anything. Had been quite a few weeks since he had even seen the kids. I talked to him on the phone one day to get him to switch the bills into my name. (Can you believe the phone and electric company still need his permission even though the judge ordered me to be responsible for them?) The phone conversation that day was quite pleasant. Anyway, yesterday I just didn't want to face him or talk to him. I had just had a talk the day before with the kids about seeing their Dad or talking to him. They seem to have no use for him right now and the hardest part is they say he only comes out when he needs something. Well, anyway he told me he needed to use the tools and I did not respond. I know we should not use silence to be hurtful but I just knew if I said anything it would turn into me yelling and that just has never gotten me anywhere except upset with myself for losing control over my emotions. I would especially like to hear from Gold and Oogly on this matter as you seem to deal with your A's by detaching completely as I had to do. I just feel like grabbing that frying pan everytime I see his face. I feel like he let me down sooo much in OUR marriage and with OUR kids. He said his truck is having heater core problems and all I think of is 16 years ago when I was in labor for a week straight with our first daughter that he left me at the hospital to go work on "some guys" heater core. To this day I don't know who that guy was or why that heater core was more important than me in labor with OUR first child. Of course always drinking while working on cars. I don't think he could work on a vehicle without a beer to ponder the problem. God, I really am rambling today. I just want to be held by someone and share an evening with a GOOD man. I feel at times like I am going to be alone now for the rest of my life because he kind of ruined me on relationships for a while. Probably best because the guys that have asked me out are no better and I won't go out with anyone. I go out with friends but right now just prefer to be with the kids and animals at home. Really enjoy my house and I think him coming over offends me. What nerve to just not care what happens to me and the kids. He has sent a little money but is in arrears already and we have only been divorced since September yet has money for beer and cigarettes and pot.
Well, enough. I feel much better now. Thanks for letting me vent. See why I don't want to open my mouth when I do see him. A lot of it comes off as silly, especially when I read it back.
CherylG is offline  
Old 01-28-2002, 07:46 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Dayton, Ohio, USA
Posts: 59

I did not see one thing "silly" in your entire post...What I did see were some very valid feelings...I'll leave the rest to Gold and Ogly..

God Bless you and may He bring you comfort today..
RovenRev is offline  
Old 01-29-2002, 06:15 AM
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smoke gets in my eyes's Avatar
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hi CherylG...
I relate abundantly to your post. There have been a lot of times when I "went silent" on Dino. He thought I was being manipulative. Fact is, either I knew if I opened my mouth I was going to scream... or I got a panicky kind of lockjaw that prevented anything from coming out.
Revs right, there's nothing "silly" about your post.

smoke gets in my eyes is offline  
Old 01-29-2002, 06:40 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: nyc
Posts: 36
How & why is ur silence hurtful to a
ADDICT??? I don't get ur meaning there.
you are a single parent & by all I read have been one for sometime now.
The addict in ur life parents core heaters & attends to the automotively impaired & ur feeling Guilt! I don't understand why ur not feeling empowered & in control of ur life.
I feel fine & I have used silence & distance & the steps to get me here today. I used strategy not DOPE OR BOOZE to manage day by day minute by minute to get me to healing.
everyone is different heres my angle:
I spent about 5 mins on the pity pot ouch! my ass was to big to stay on it & I deserved to be up on my fet not on my ass pulling my hair & mumbling. what was I losing by kicking Crack man to the curb? Drama pain prolonged stress & pain, when I saw three gray hairs OH LORD NO!.
God blessed ur addict with u cause he would have been wearing that damn heater!wedged between his cheek & gums!.
look circles go round & round & while u beat urself up u didn't see the growth & fact that HP was working ur recovery. YOU HAVE GROWN & HE HASN"T!
YOU saw him & the whole situation Clearly & he is where he was when u were screaming sweating & pushing a life into this world.
This is what Gold would do:
Make sure ALL pertinet bills documents are in place & in UR NAME.
If u had a court order for support; he is in violation, its time to notify court that he hasn't been paying.
Change any & all locks & If he has anything in ur house pack it up & ship it to him.
he should have to make an appointment to see kids. I would set such boundaries he would think I was fort knoxx.
Thats my slant do what u feel is best for u!
we are having a party over at Naranon on thursday
ADDICT FREE Thursdays ur welcome to come over & post bring a dish, dirty jokes, half naked men in thongs& soft porn(oops scratch porn Jon will be in a snit!)
Gurl get rid of all that SELF INFLICTED Guilt!
Its about You & Your kids & the rest of ur life .

Gold is doing the electric slide
goldlady is offline  
Old 02-02-2002, 03:51 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 140


Gold lady your awsume....wish I had you here kicking my butt.
my A is an A and I cant find the guts to get the A, out of my life.....

your great
and your right
If your friend takes your advice, she'll be doing great...for herself.
I agree
lock up Fort knox
and let him fix his heater core......
and start looking for that nice gentleman..
There's alot of happiness just waiting out there for you and your kids.

regards sally
Sally is offline  
Old 02-05-2002, 07:18 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: nyc
Posts: 36

Move over Bob Vila!
So ur working on ur "core heater"?
HP does't make mistakes! He/she will continually put lessons & obstacles in ur path to help u if u just stop fighting & open ur arms.
Re-read this post & read todays post.
Take back ur power & rebuild ur life.
Never give up ur POWER to anyone ever!
If u do How in the world are u gonna
survive the"ice" storms of life.
Ladies & gets introducing
Ms. cherylG host of
This old addict/alkie.she is gonna show us how to renovate ur old life & spruce it up!
without pain hurt & addiction.....
go on gurl! work it
proud of ya!
gold is best!
goldlady is offline  

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