Accomplice to Social Drinking
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
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So now he's added physical intimidation, enough that you had to lock yourself in the bathroom and were scared.
Sweetie...what's it going to take?
Look, at some point his "reasons" (you're claiming fear) don't matter...what matters is his actions are destroying his life and more importantly, yours.
First-degree asshattery versus second-degree asshattery doesn't mean anything when your entire life is being held hostage to his crappy selfish behavior and his addiction.
Sweetie...what's it going to take?
Look, at some point his "reasons" (you're claiming fear) don't matter...what matters is his actions are destroying his life and more importantly, yours.
First-degree asshattery versus second-degree asshattery doesn't mean anything when your entire life is being held hostage to his crappy selfish behavior and his addiction.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Smarie, seeing a therapist really helped me with the irrational obligation I felt about controlling how other people perceived me. It is one thing to know in your head that ending a relationship just because it isn't what you want does not make you a bad person, and quite another to FEEL that truth in your soul. That's where a therapist can help you learn to live in that truth.
There are a myriad of reasons why he is not a healthy person to be in a relationship with, but then I don't think you particularly are either, not right now. You have no power over his dysfunction, but yours is your choice, and you can overcome if it if you are willing to face your fears.
There are a myriad of reasons why he is not a healthy person to be in a relationship with, but then I don't think you particularly are either, not right now. You have no power over his dysfunction, but yours is your choice, and you can overcome if it if you are willing to face your fears.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Smarie, in a sense it doesn't matter how you deal with the one drink or social drink scenario. He's an A and for him recovery must include absolutely no drinks ever. The fact that he's still drinking shows he's relapsed.
Speaking as a recovered A, I know that even if he limits himself to 1 drink, he will be strongly craving more. Stopping the cravings takes an extended period of sobriety with no relapses.
I'm concerned about the fact that he's scared you again. Hitting the wall is an implied threat, and you were frightened. That's abuse.
Is the only thing holding you back that you would feel mean?
Speaking as a recovered A, I know that even if he limits himself to 1 drink, he will be strongly craving more. Stopping the cravings takes an extended period of sobriety with no relapses.
I'm concerned about the fact that he's scared you again. Hitting the wall is an implied threat, and you were frightened. That's abuse.
Is the only thing holding you back that you would feel mean?
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Originally Posted by Smarie78 
Thank you all for your responses. I understand where everyone is coming from and would likely tell me the same thing on the outside looking in. I was just thinking of how to handle this recent issue that's crept. Please know I fully understand what staying does and my choice, albeit illogical, is nevertheless what I have chosen for today.
I believe a lot of these issues stem from fear. He has lashed out at me several times (dry drunk?) and then loaded on so many apologies and sweet words I sometimes lose track of what the direction even is. The other day he broke up with me over text and then when I called and agreed maybe we need to (it somehow felt like an escape to me because I now could leave and it would be ok) he yelled at me as though I prompted the breakup. He apologized and said he was just scared he will lose me so waned to beat me to the punch, but it was very nerve wracking. He gets very angry at me for things that don't seem to make sense and more recently I got so scared I locked myself in the bathroom. I didn't really think he would do anything but he yelled horrible words at me and punched the door so of course I was scared.
Overall I believe my issues with leaving are all fear based. Nothing of what you say makes me think "oh they just don't get it!". The crazy part is that I do. I just often feel unable to do it. I'm not scared he will do something if I leave, again, I am always scared of being a bad person leaving (I know this is not real). Scared all around this girl here
We do have so many loving moments togeteher and there is a good man in there...the bad just really seems to eclipse all the good.
Anyway thank you again for your thoughts just wasn't sure how to maneuver through this recent issue.
I believe a lot of these issues stem from fear. He has lashed out at me several times (dry drunk?) and then loaded on so many apologies and sweet words I sometimes lose track of what the direction even is. The other day he broke up with me over text and then when I called and agreed maybe we need to (it somehow felt like an escape to me because I now could leave and it would be ok) he yelled at me as though I prompted the breakup. He apologized and said he was just scared he will lose me so waned to beat me to the punch, but it was very nerve wracking. He gets very angry at me for things that don't seem to make sense and more recently I got so scared I locked myself in the bathroom. I didn't really think he would do anything but he yelled horrible words at me and punched the door so of course I was scared.
Overall I believe my issues with leaving are all fear based. Nothing of what you say makes me think "oh they just don't get it!". The crazy part is that I do. I just often feel unable to do it. I'm not scared he will do something if I leave, again, I am always scared of being a bad person leaving (I know this is not real). Scared all around this girl here
We do have so many loving moments togeteher and there is a good man in there...the bad just really seems to eclipse all the good.Anyway thank you again for your thoughts just wasn't sure how to maneuver through this recent issue.
I so, so hope you can figure this out as your experience will add a depth of knowledge and understanding to this forum.
God bless you and please keep coming back.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
Yes he only had one at dinner tonight (the first time we saw a band and it was much more than one but not enough that he was visibly wasted), but this seems crazy to me after all we've gone through.
what is crazy is that after all you have put up with due to HIS DRINKING, you are still a) with him and b) going out and drinking WITH HIM.
he is living in a SOBER living house. in case you are unclear on the definition, sober means NOT DRINKING EVER. not one, not at dinner, not many at a concert, not on Arbor Day or National Pickle Day.
None, EVER.
he has now put his stay at the sober living place in jeopardy and yes you ARE complicit. he is no longer sober. PERIOD.
i am curious.....did the "break up" drama happen BEFORE the going out together and drinking?
what is crazy is that after all you have put up with due to HIS DRINKING, you are still a) with him and b) going out and drinking WITH HIM.
he is living in a SOBER living house. in case you are unclear on the definition, sober means NOT DRINKING EVER. not one, not at dinner, not many at a concert, not on Arbor Day or National Pickle Day.
None, EVER.
he has now put his stay at the sober living place in jeopardy and yes you ARE complicit. he is no longer sober. PERIOD.
i am curious.....did the "break up" drama happen BEFORE the going out together and drinking?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
It sounds like you desperately need his attention, his time and most importantly his approval. You are like an approval addict and your behavior is as easy to control as that of any other junkie. All your manipulating alcoholic bf has to do is a simple two- step process: Give you what you crave, his time, his attention and then threaten to take it away. Every drug dealer in the world plays this game.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 209
He's not just an alcoholic he's also a bully
It's amazing how they can control themselves when facing someone their own size, it's also a major control thing
Get rid of him get some peace in your life as soon as you can
It's amazing how they can control themselves when facing someone their own size, it's also a major control thing
Get rid of him get some peace in your life as soon as you can
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
[I]
i am curious.....did the "break up" drama happen BEFORE the going out together and drinking?
i am curious.....did the "break up" drama happen BEFORE the going out together and drinking?
This past Saturday we went bowling and he drank. Very openly. Not to the point of drunkenness but a good 4 beers or so. (Not sure if it is common with addicts but whether it's soda or coffee or food - he tends never to have enough. I was actually quite shocked at the amount of coffee and diet soda he consumed on our drive out to the weekend vacation).
At any rate, this morning I sent him a note and explained I was ashamed of myself for drinking with him and that it was irresponsible of me as a friend and girlfriend to participate in such a risky behavior that has and can continue to wreak so much damage. I explained that I can no longer participate in drinking with him and will abstain from it completely when we are together. That in order to be in recovery and supportive of it, we could not have alcohol as a part of our relationship. He of course didn't like that and responded very shortly and that we would need to discuss it later because he wasn't prepared for that this morning. Basically I backed him into a corner unexpectedly *eye roll*
I just know in my heart that this is wrong. Again, working with a therapist again to work through this as I already felt myself backing down when I sent him that message. As though I were afraid to upset him. I know, ridiculous.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Smarie78
That in order to be in recovery and supportive of it, we could not have alcohol as a part of our relationship.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Atalose unfortunately no, I really don't need his time or attention. Often times it's too much as I've stated in other posts. I crave less time and less attention. I am just struggling with my own issues of pleasing which I have struggled with in other relationships in my life (i.e.feeling internal pressure to put others wants of me before my own and if I don't, I feel overwhelmed by guilt). Trust me, I really crave so much less. I just feel if I express that it turns into "so now you don't love me or want to see me - you aren't attracted to me. You long for the single days. Just admit it"
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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I've always been a gal who enjoys more time alone, not so attached. I've also always been a gal that has had more demanded of her from partners and when any hint showed of me wanting to slow down or have some space I felt threatened for wanting that. That's what I am working on with a therapist now.
One common theme I have found in my relationships is almost an obsession by partners but mixed with almost this strong dislike. How do I explain this...I suppose it's been a mix of "I love you so much I would die without you I think you are the greatest human being ever to live on this planet- beautiful inside and out", and then moments of "it was a mistake to take you to this place because you are not that kind of girl. I know you want to go back and have casual sex with random men and you are just a spoiled rich girl who thinks she is perfect, but don't flatter yourself your not all that".
Sound familiar to anyone?
One common theme I have found in my relationships is almost an obsession by partners but mixed with almost this strong dislike. How do I explain this...I suppose it's been a mix of "I love you so much I would die without you I think you are the greatest human being ever to live on this planet- beautiful inside and out", and then moments of "it was a mistake to take you to this place because you are not that kind of girl. I know you want to go back and have casual sex with random men and you are just a spoiled rich girl who thinks she is perfect, but don't flatter yourself your not all that".
Sound familiar to anyone?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I am just struggling with my own issues of pleasing
I love you so much I would die without you I think you are the greatest human being ever to live on this planet- beautiful inside and out", and then moments of "it was a mistake to take you to this place because you are not that kind of girl. I know you want to go back and have casual sex with random men and you are just a spoiled rich girl who thinks she is perfect, but don't flatter yourself your not all that".
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