Trouble with daughter
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Trouble with daughter
My 29 year old daughter is angry at me again. Now she claims I am "selfish"- and her brother says the same according to her- he is not talking to me. I asked her for an example- and she says "I don't want to talk about it now."
I told her I am confused and to please point out to me the next time she finds me to be selfish.
Thinking she may be echoing XAH again- he is required to put in financial papers next month- and I am asking for alimony and property settlement. So I imagine he is saying I want all the money and he will be poor and it is not fair....
But I am feeling like I am losing her again- and I don't deserve this anger. Noone else in my life now treats me shabbily like she does. But I feel like I have lost my son- I don't want to lose my daughter too.
Any help is appreciated. ThankS!
I told her I am confused and to please point out to me the next time she finds me to be selfish.
Thinking she may be echoing XAH again- he is required to put in financial papers next month- and I am asking for alimony and property settlement. So I imagine he is saying I want all the money and he will be poor and it is not fair....
But I am feeling like I am losing her again- and I don't deserve this anger. Noone else in my life now treats me shabbily like she does. But I feel like I have lost my son- I don't want to lose my daughter too.
Any help is appreciated. ThankS!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If she will not engage with you or answer your perfectly reasonable request for more information then I don't know what else you can do but give her the time and space she'll need to get a different perspective on the situation.
You are absolutely right that you don't deserve the anger, but you can't sacrifice the alimony and property settlement you also deserve to assuage her limited understanding and acceptance of what happened between her parents.
You can let her know you love her and would be glad to discuss it with her whenever she is willing to listen, but other than that...you can't change her any more than you could change your ex.
You are absolutely right that you don't deserve the anger, but you can't sacrifice the alimony and property settlement you also deserve to assuage her limited understanding and acceptance of what happened between her parents.
You can let her know you love her and would be glad to discuss it with her whenever she is willing to listen, but other than that...you can't change her any more than you could change your ex.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm sorry you are cycling through this again qtpi. 
Your last thread on this topic got some fantastic responses:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-anger-dd.html
Honestly, it sounds like your daughter has been feeling this way for a VERY long time, telling you as young as 16 that she wouldn't support you in divorce. Maybe it's just time to accept what she's telling you?
Your last thread on this topic got some fantastic responses:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-anger-dd.html
Honestly, it sounds like your daughter has been feeling this way for a VERY long time, telling you as young as 16 that she wouldn't support you in divorce. Maybe it's just time to accept what she's telling you?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
I agree with SparkleKitty. Time and space. This will probably blow over in a couple of months. She most likely does have your XAH in her ear. She is probably overwhelmed and you are her safe place to let it out. I'm not saying that is ok, it's not. You don't deserve verbal from anyone. If I was in your situation, I would just avoid those conversations for now.
Hold on, you are almost to the finish line!
Hold on, you are almost to the finish line!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Hi qtpi - My parents had been divorced for 10 years when I was 29 but communication was still a struggle for all of us. Even though my siblings and I were adults, we still didn't have the same life experience and maturity that someone one generation older would/should. Also, because we had grown up in a very dysfunctional home, we didn't know how to communicate with each other and frankly, we didn't know how to love each other.
The best advice I can give coming from a divorced family, is that you demonstrate patience and more patience, love and more love. When you feel too hurt by your kids, take a break from them, but let them know that it's just a break, that you'll be back and that if they need you for ANYTHING in the mean time, you're there for them.
My parents are in their seventies and my siblings and I are in our forties and we're still struggling with communication but getting better in a lot of ways. I remind my Dad regularly that he is STILL the parent in this scenario, even at this time of our lives. He still has more experience and perspective than we do. It doesn't mean that he needs to tolerate any kind of abuse or bad treatment from us, but I will always expect him to be more of an example to us than we are to him. I feel for you. Being a parent is not for sissies, that's for sure.
The best advice I can give coming from a divorced family, is that you demonstrate patience and more patience, love and more love. When you feel too hurt by your kids, take a break from them, but let them know that it's just a break, that you'll be back and that if they need you for ANYTHING in the mean time, you're there for them.
My parents are in their seventies and my siblings and I are in our forties and we're still struggling with communication but getting better in a lot of ways. I remind my Dad regularly that he is STILL the parent in this scenario, even at this time of our lives. He still has more experience and perspective than we do. It doesn't mean that he needs to tolerate any kind of abuse or bad treatment from us, but I will always expect him to be more of an example to us than we are to him. I feel for you. Being a parent is not for sissies, that's for sure.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I suspect you're right, that dad is now bitching and moaning and she's echoing him. Yes, the same things we said before apply now. You can keep the door open, agree to disagree about certain things. You don't have to convince her of anything. The more you maintain your own sense of dignity about it, without getting defensive, the sooner it's likely to pass.
She's 29, not six. She's entitled to her own opinion, however wrong that may be, and whatever she's basing it on. What she's NOT allowed to do is to be nasty toward you. Keep that boundary, politely end the conversation if it goes south, and I suspect you will eventually come to an amicable relationship--even if it takes a while.
She's 29, not six. She's entitled to her own opinion, however wrong that may be, and whatever she's basing it on. What she's NOT allowed to do is to be nasty toward you. Keep that boundary, politely end the conversation if it goes south, and I suspect you will eventually come to an amicable relationship--even if it takes a while.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
nearly 30 year olds are entitled to feel and think as they wish and choose. even if that doesn't match what WE think and feel.
in fact, we raise them TO hold fast to their beliefs, and to speak out.
riddle me this......if both kids were on "Team Mom" instead, and both angry at their father........would you mind so much? would you think THAT was unfair?
it could be the grown kids are thinking - well she stayed with him all OUR lives growing up, made US live in and around an active alcoholic, it must not have been that bad or surely she would have got us OUT....so why now?
in fact, we raise them TO hold fast to their beliefs, and to speak out.
riddle me this......if both kids were on "Team Mom" instead, and both angry at their father........would you mind so much? would you think THAT was unfair?
it could be the grown kids are thinking - well she stayed with him all OUR lives growing up, made US live in and around an active alcoholic, it must not have been that bad or surely she would have got us OUT....so why now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Actually if they were on my team it would be fair. I lived with abuse. Not any more. If he had been as abusive when they were growing up I would have left then. I went to alano n and basically believed h p would eventually lead him to sobriety but that was not to be and he progressed. I am proud of myself for saying enough.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Sure you're angry. I was angry also. I also would have thought it would be fair for my children to be backing me instead of him.
Instead I had 3 children of mine not speaking at all to me for over a year.
What I was hearing from them is that they finally got the father they had wanted. (He was then actually paying attention to them), while I was acting the "victim". As they said, "I was acting like I was crucified to the cross".
It took me many years. I did need to go "no contact" this year with my oldest daughter. If you read my post here, she was the drama queen, hypochondriac, possible histrionic personality disorder one.
I am really "tight" with my son right now. He calls me at least 2 times a week now. He and my daughter in law just had a baby on 1/4/17. I've been trying to visit them as often as possible, but he does live 3 hours away from me. I don't know if you can say that we have a mother/son relationship now, it's more based on mutual respect. Oh, btw, they just bought their first home today. I'm so happy for them.
My youngest daughter, still some tension there, afterall, it was 8 years of on and off. She calls me, she answers the phone when I call her. She'll ask me for recipes for meals that I made when she was growing up. Still some work needed there, but the foundation is there.
My advice---- Listen to everyone here, my relationships with my children changed once I started listening.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
PS- I know I mentioned they didn't speak to me for over a year, but this really was an 8 year process
Instead I had 3 children of mine not speaking at all to me for over a year.
What I was hearing from them is that they finally got the father they had wanted. (He was then actually paying attention to them), while I was acting the "victim". As they said, "I was acting like I was crucified to the cross".
It took me many years. I did need to go "no contact" this year with my oldest daughter. If you read my post here, she was the drama queen, hypochondriac, possible histrionic personality disorder one.
I am really "tight" with my son right now. He calls me at least 2 times a week now. He and my daughter in law just had a baby on 1/4/17. I've been trying to visit them as often as possible, but he does live 3 hours away from me. I don't know if you can say that we have a mother/son relationship now, it's more based on mutual respect. Oh, btw, they just bought their first home today. I'm so happy for them.
My youngest daughter, still some tension there, afterall, it was 8 years of on and off. She calls me, she answers the phone when I call her. She'll ask me for recipes for meals that I made when she was growing up. Still some work needed there, but the foundation is there.
My advice---- Listen to everyone here, my relationships with my children changed once I started listening.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
PS- I know I mentioned they didn't speak to me for over a year, but this really was an 8 year process
Last edited by amy55; 02-24-2017 at 02:56 PM. Reason: added in PS
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Well my son hasn't spoken to me since the day after I left. And when I talked to him that day he said... Good this will be a wake up call for dad. All information is coming from his father whom he is seeing.... DD has been hot and cold. I never talk about their father. Its been much better with her. That's why this sudden turn of events is so surprising. But if X a h is complaining about my selfish behavior.... Well it may be that is what is happening. Angry? Sure. But I don't let it ruin my life. I can't stop what he is telling her. So I tell her I love her and I am here to listen... But then she cuts it off.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I have a feeling this will start to settle down once all the property stuff is resolved. He's probably at his most agitated (and vocal) right now. If you get a good result, expect him to carry on for a while, but eventually people (including your kids) will get sick of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
Thanks everyone and especially you Lexie. Believe it or not, I talked with DD tonight- and we are back on an even keel- she was very kind and loving tonight. I did not bring up any of the previous conversation. And I am not going to. She probably has too much pressure from her father.
But it is all fitting together in my head now. I know XAH is back to drinking. The financial reality is looming. I haven't touched a penny in joint accounts- and I have been able to eat and keep a roof over my head. But I know him well enough to know he is furious that I will get what I am entitled to. He hasn't sent me one red cent- and I left with a part-time job and no benefits. He closed credit cards immediately when I left. I expected that and had prepared for it, but I think he thought I would never survive. And he tried to clean out joint accounts but my lawyer put a stop to that.
So I just have to ride theses waves with DD! And Lexie- I think he will continue to be agitated- so now when I hear this stuff from DD- I will think how tough it has to be for her to hear this from her drunken father.
But it is all fitting together in my head now. I know XAH is back to drinking. The financial reality is looming. I haven't touched a penny in joint accounts- and I have been able to eat and keep a roof over my head. But I know him well enough to know he is furious that I will get what I am entitled to. He hasn't sent me one red cent- and I left with a part-time job and no benefits. He closed credit cards immediately when I left. I expected that and had prepared for it, but I think he thought I would never survive. And he tried to clean out joint accounts but my lawyer put a stop to that.
So I just have to ride theses waves with DD! And Lexie- I think he will continue to be agitated- so now when I hear this stuff from DD- I will think how tough it has to be for her to hear this from her drunken father.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
