Quick Vent / STBxAH Misunderstood Temp Orders
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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Quick Vent / STBxAH Misunderstood Temp Orders
Hi All - I just need to vent. My AH and I have been separated since early January. We have temporary orders stating his visitation is every 1st, 3rd, 5th Saturday 10a - 8pm. The same Sundays 10 am - 6pm. No overnights. No drinking 12 hours before visitation or during visitation.
This past President's Day weekend, we changed it a bit because our child had a Saturday night sleepover. I offered to leave our home and let AH stay at our home with our child Sunday noon - Monday noon. I stayed around the corner at my sister's house. AH asked very responsibly (not for the first time) is an overnight permissible? He didn't think it was. I reminded him that the attorney told us we could agree to more visitation for him as long as things are going well and that the visitation in the order is the minimum.
Today I'm changing the toilet paper roll in our bathroom and I find a corkscrew with a cork on it in the toilet paper bag. I call him immediately - no answer. I email him telling him what I found and that that is not permissible.
He calls me about an hour later, not having read my email, to find out why I called him. I explain. He says a lot of things including, "I thought it was understood that I would drink something, it was just a bottle of wine during the movie, you said the temporary orders are the minimum..."
I didn't argue or debate. I told him again what our discussion had been and what the attorney told both of us together, that if he thought it was ok, then why was the corkscrew in the bathroom, why did he bring his own, etc.
Ugh - here's the real vent...what a child, what a liar, so in denial after all of this, do I REALLY have to spell out every little thing for him?! And the answer is yes. That's why the courts exist. And we're going back to the minimum visitation.
This past President's Day weekend, we changed it a bit because our child had a Saturday night sleepover. I offered to leave our home and let AH stay at our home with our child Sunday noon - Monday noon. I stayed around the corner at my sister's house. AH asked very responsibly (not for the first time) is an overnight permissible? He didn't think it was. I reminded him that the attorney told us we could agree to more visitation for him as long as things are going well and that the visitation in the order is the minimum.
Today I'm changing the toilet paper roll in our bathroom and I find a corkscrew with a cork on it in the toilet paper bag. I call him immediately - no answer. I email him telling him what I found and that that is not permissible.
He calls me about an hour later, not having read my email, to find out why I called him. I explain. He says a lot of things including, "I thought it was understood that I would drink something, it was just a bottle of wine during the movie, you said the temporary orders are the minimum..."
I didn't argue or debate. I told him again what our discussion had been and what the attorney told both of us together, that if he thought it was ok, then why was the corkscrew in the bathroom, why did he bring his own, etc.
Ugh - here's the real vent...what a child, what a liar, so in denial after all of this, do I REALLY have to spell out every little thing for him?! And the answer is yes. That's why the courts exist. And we're going back to the minimum visitation.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Good lord, he's claiming that "temporary orders are the minimum" means he can drink during any extra time that you allow him?
That's not a misunderstanding, that's just plain violating the order. There's nothing ambiguous about it.
Whattamaroon.
That's not a misunderstanding, that's just plain violating the order. There's nothing ambiguous about it.
Whattamaroon.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
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Thanks Lexie. Your response made me feel better. The thing is, he's not usually a maroon, unless he's drunk. He's really a genius. So, he's either drunk or he's lying to cover up his intentional defiance of the order. I just documented what happened and we'll go back to the bare minimum until some trust is regained. It's just so funny because I was starting to feel bad about telling him every single time he sees our child that he can't drink. Every time I say "You have to be sober." I didn't last Sunday though. Ugh!
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Have you considered asking for sobriety monitoring when he has custody?
When I look back, I now realize that the night I told my stbxah I was leaving and that I was going to fight him to try to ensure his sobriety when he had our kids, and he was reassuring me that of course he wouldn't drink with them, he was drinking. In real time. At that moment. Pretending his viodka was water.
I'm not sure if an alcoholic's word can be trusted, even if he wants to believe it himself.
When I look back, I now realize that the night I told my stbxah I was leaving and that I was going to fight him to try to ensure his sobriety when he had our kids, and he was reassuring me that of course he wouldn't drink with them, he was drinking. In real time. At that moment. Pretending his viodka was water.
I'm not sure if an alcoholic's word can be trusted, even if he wants to believe it himself.
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You're absolutely right...if he was just "confused" by the requirements...why was the corkscrew hidden in the bathroom and not, say, out in the open on a kitchen counter?
If he's so smart...why didn't he take it with him?
If he's so smart...why didn't he take it with him?
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Thanks for listening everyone.
Sauerkraut - I would love to have sobriety monitoring but it's unlikely that it will be ordered because my AH has no DUIs or other extreme behavior witnessed by others. We have a couple of (former) friends that could testify to knowledge of AH drinking and driving and other bad acts; however, those same friends would testify to AH being a wonderful, caring father that has gone above and beyond what most father's do for their children. It's my understanding that a court is likely to order AH to abstain from drinking completely, but not to order sobriety monitoring. How that makes sense, I have no idea.
Sauerkraut - I would love to have sobriety monitoring but it's unlikely that it will be ordered because my AH has no DUIs or other extreme behavior witnessed by others. We have a couple of (former) friends that could testify to knowledge of AH drinking and driving and other bad acts; however, those same friends would testify to AH being a wonderful, caring father that has gone above and beyond what most father's do for their children. It's my understanding that a court is likely to order AH to abstain from drinking completely, but not to order sobriety monitoring. How that makes sense, I have no idea.
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