Really angry and need to vent to people who understand
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Really angry and need to vent to people who understand
7.5 years married. 9 years together. 7 years of me trying to get through to my AH about getting help. Me trying to keep our family together. Hoping that the ever closer and longer cycles of verbal abuse would stop. Hoping that the kids and I would one day not have to walk on egg shells. Hoping that we could eventually live debt-free rather than continually struggling because AH's 'needs' always come first. Then me realizing that I can't make my husband open his eyes and improve his life. He has to want it. Just him. For himself and no one else. No amount of anything from me or anyone else will effect change in him. He has to do it. But he isn't. And so here I am. At the very place I've been trying to avoid all these years.
My kids and I are leaving in three weeks. We have the option of either moving off our farm and into a rental home in the local town five minutes away, or to go 7 hours away to live with my parents (back to the area where we came from almost 6 years ago). Going to my parents' means uprooting my three children (16, 13, 6 - only the youngest is AH's) from schools and teachers and friends that they love. They're all doing incredibly well academically. However, all three are fine with doing whatever is best for the four of us. Over the weekend, some safety concerns arose with AH. It's as though he's worsening by the minute now. I don't even know if we'll be safe from him if we're living in the nearby town. He's so unstable and his alcoholic thinking is bizarre. As long as he has his bottles, all is well in his crazy world. So it may be that the best option is to disappear off his radar altogether (7 hours away) and hope that he forgets us just as he has done with everyone else who has ever been in his life. That's right - other than us, he has absolutely no one, solely as the result of his own behaviour. No family. No friends. And he couldn't care any less. Alcohol is his one true love, and nothing else matters to him.
It just makes me SO angry that one person's choices have for so long impacted negatively on my children and I. Yes, I stayed because I hoped for something better (the drinking revealed itself pretty much on our honeymoon...yay). And that's on me. But to think that this man chose to live his life this way, in a perpetual state of depression, anger and addiction, is so foreign to me. And he is not only continuing to drink heavily and become more physically, mentally and emotionally unwell, he is actually drinking even more and the alcoholism is now visibly progressing on a daily basis. He's literally killing himself right in front of us. So, yes, the decision was made a little while ago to leave. I've been getting my ducks in a row (employment, legal help, counseling, etc.) and making things happen. But in the quiet moments when I'm alone in the house, I just feel like screaming. All that we've gone through over the years with this man, just to have to uproot ourselves and start over. It's pathetic, albeit absolutely necessary. The selfishness and far-reaching effects of this 'disease' are overwhelming. I don't know how my Dad managed to survive two alcoholic parents, and then never touched the stuff himself. All I know is that I want a better life for my children and I. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know the kids and I will find happiness, stability and peace again. But, right now, I don't know...the resentment and disbelief are very strong.
Just needed to vent to people who will understand. Feeling alone. I'm strong and confident in moving forward. Just incredibly peeved that someone else's dysfunction has and is affecting me and my loved ones so deeply. And, believe it or not, I still love the man! I care about what happens to him. I care about what will happen to the man he once was before the alcohol took him over. Not the shell of a man with a depressed, angry, abusive alcoholic hiding inside, but the man I married. I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss my marriage and the family I thought we would always share together. I'm terrified that the alcoholic in him will eventually (and by that I mean in the not-so-distant future) kill the mixed-up but sensitive, abused person who's in the depths of this mess he has become. He deserves happiness, too, but it's not something anyone can give him. It comes from within. I'm so tired of all of it. Thanks for reading. I love SR.
My kids and I are leaving in three weeks. We have the option of either moving off our farm and into a rental home in the local town five minutes away, or to go 7 hours away to live with my parents (back to the area where we came from almost 6 years ago). Going to my parents' means uprooting my three children (16, 13, 6 - only the youngest is AH's) from schools and teachers and friends that they love. They're all doing incredibly well academically. However, all three are fine with doing whatever is best for the four of us. Over the weekend, some safety concerns arose with AH. It's as though he's worsening by the minute now. I don't even know if we'll be safe from him if we're living in the nearby town. He's so unstable and his alcoholic thinking is bizarre. As long as he has his bottles, all is well in his crazy world. So it may be that the best option is to disappear off his radar altogether (7 hours away) and hope that he forgets us just as he has done with everyone else who has ever been in his life. That's right - other than us, he has absolutely no one, solely as the result of his own behaviour. No family. No friends. And he couldn't care any less. Alcohol is his one true love, and nothing else matters to him.
It just makes me SO angry that one person's choices have for so long impacted negatively on my children and I. Yes, I stayed because I hoped for something better (the drinking revealed itself pretty much on our honeymoon...yay). And that's on me. But to think that this man chose to live his life this way, in a perpetual state of depression, anger and addiction, is so foreign to me. And he is not only continuing to drink heavily and become more physically, mentally and emotionally unwell, he is actually drinking even more and the alcoholism is now visibly progressing on a daily basis. He's literally killing himself right in front of us. So, yes, the decision was made a little while ago to leave. I've been getting my ducks in a row (employment, legal help, counseling, etc.) and making things happen. But in the quiet moments when I'm alone in the house, I just feel like screaming. All that we've gone through over the years with this man, just to have to uproot ourselves and start over. It's pathetic, albeit absolutely necessary. The selfishness and far-reaching effects of this 'disease' are overwhelming. I don't know how my Dad managed to survive two alcoholic parents, and then never touched the stuff himself. All I know is that I want a better life for my children and I. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know the kids and I will find happiness, stability and peace again. But, right now, I don't know...the resentment and disbelief are very strong.
Just needed to vent to people who will understand. Feeling alone. I'm strong and confident in moving forward. Just incredibly peeved that someone else's dysfunction has and is affecting me and my loved ones so deeply. And, believe it or not, I still love the man! I care about what happens to him. I care about what will happen to the man he once was before the alcohol took him over. Not the shell of a man with a depressed, angry, abusive alcoholic hiding inside, but the man I married. I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss my marriage and the family I thought we would always share together. I'm terrified that the alcoholic in him will eventually (and by that I mean in the not-so-distant future) kill the mixed-up but sensitive, abused person who's in the depths of this mess he has become. He deserves happiness, too, but it's not something anyone can give him. It comes from within. I'm so tired of all of it. Thanks for reading. I love SR.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, musiclady. Welcome. Follow the path you have set for yourself, whether it is moving way, way away or to a nearby town. I am sure that you will be fine, wherever you decide to go.
One of the things I struggle with all the time is the anger and resentment I have toward my alcohol dependent sib. How can we not be angry?
Al-Anon has helped me with my negative emotions, but, honestly, it can only do so much.
Good luck with your move. I know how you feel.
One of the things I struggle with all the time is the anger and resentment I have toward my alcohol dependent sib. How can we not be angry?
Al-Anon has helped me with my negative emotions, but, honestly, it can only do so much.
Good luck with your move. I know how you feel.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Wow...it's like you hit all the things I'm feeling at this very moment with my alcoholic wife.
Wanting to vent: check.
Strong resentment and disbelief: double check.
Your entire last paragraph: triple check.
I've come to realize my wife isn't done with her drinking, even after being kicked out of the house, going into rehab, going to her meetings, praying, etc.
My 4 kids and I are who I'm focusing on now, and I'm coming to a peace that she will eventually stop drinking: either by her desire or by her death, she will stop drinking.
This is a good place, and I'm very sorry you, and everyone else here, had to have the reason to come here.
Peace be with you, MusicLady.
Wanting to vent: check.
Strong resentment and disbelief: double check.
Your entire last paragraph: triple check.
I've come to realize my wife isn't done with her drinking, even after being kicked out of the house, going into rehab, going to her meetings, praying, etc.
My 4 kids and I are who I'm focusing on now, and I'm coming to a peace that she will eventually stop drinking: either by her desire or by her death, she will stop drinking.
This is a good place, and I'm very sorry you, and everyone else here, had to have the reason to come here.
Peace be with you, MusicLady.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Big hugs, and congratulations on taking the difficult but necessary actions to protect yourself and your kiddos.
I agree that putting some distance between you might be the safest. The kids will make new friends, and they will have a nice, peaceful home to invite them to.
I agree that putting some distance between you might be the safest. The kids will make new friends, and they will have a nice, peaceful home to invite them to.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Sending lots of hugs. I am glad you are here.
If you fear for the safety or wellbeing of you or your children, I would pick up and move far away. That is just my thought process.
I will say that at least here, where I live, when divorced, or even when you file, you are not allowed to just pick up and move your children. You must have permission from the courts. I cannot in my state even move down the street w/out giving a written notification to my XAH and give him 30 days to respond. So just saying you may want to get some legal advise on this if he has not agreed to it.
I am so sorry.
If you fear for the safety or wellbeing of you or your children, I would pick up and move far away. That is just my thought process.
I will say that at least here, where I live, when divorced, or even when you file, you are not allowed to just pick up and move your children. You must have permission from the courts. I cannot in my state even move down the street w/out giving a written notification to my XAH and give him 30 days to respond. So just saying you may want to get some legal advise on this if he has not agreed to it.
I am so sorry.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi Musiclady, welcome hugs prayers and hope for you and kids for a better day... a lot of us have been there... if you can move back by your Mom and Dad and the Kids are good with that do.. it is safer in family numbers that care and will hold the fort at all times of the day and night... I had my niece come and live with me for several years.. she has such a better life now..
babe be safe get out of Dodge and stay safe.. tea hugs cookies and prayers ardy
babe be safe get out of Dodge and stay safe.. tea hugs cookies and prayers ardy
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
hopeful makes a good point, but if you are moving only several hours away, and staying with your folks, you could probably do that and wait for him to file some kind of objection with the court. My bet is that he might not bother with going to that trouble.
Always best to get legal advice on something like this, though.
ETA: you haven't mentioned divorce or legal separation, so it's a good idea to get advice anyway, just to be sure you and the kids are protected legally and financially.
Always best to get legal advice on something like this, though.
ETA: you haven't mentioned divorce or legal separation, so it's a good idea to get advice anyway, just to be sure you and the kids are protected legally and financially.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am just throwing it out there. I have a friend who moved about 45 mins away to where her parents live before she filed for divorce. Her X fought her on it and she was required to move back when the divorce was final. That being said, he is a good dad who did so b/c he fairly wanted more time w/his kids. He is not an addict.
So much depends on the judges. I would definitely get legal advise on it, unless he knows and has agreed to it. Just don't want you to uproot their lives just to have to come right back.
Tight hugs.
So much depends on the judges. I would definitely get legal advise on it, unless he knows and has agreed to it. Just don't want you to uproot their lives just to have to come right back.
Tight hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 75
Hi All. Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate all of it. I'm sorry that we're all here.
In terms of legalities, I'm working with a lawyer to draw up a separation agreement. My understanding of the law in my area is that a judge would look at the financial situation and best interests of any children involved. My parents have always been a big part of our lives. AH has been either withdrawn or abusive for years now. I can't imagine any judge thinking that would be in my youngest son's best interest.
AH wants to keep the house, which is fine with me. It practically eats money...lol. And when I mentioned two weeks ago that the kids and I might need to live with my parents while I get my feet back under me, AH simply shrugged. That was his only reaction. I don't think he would fight me on going 7 hours away. He's in a place of not caring...just existing for the next drink...and our son isn't comfortable around him because he's so angry and unpredictable.
Anyway, thx for your concern. I've been keeping the legal side in mind. Hugs.
In terms of legalities, I'm working with a lawyer to draw up a separation agreement. My understanding of the law in my area is that a judge would look at the financial situation and best interests of any children involved. My parents have always been a big part of our lives. AH has been either withdrawn or abusive for years now. I can't imagine any judge thinking that would be in my youngest son's best interest.
AH wants to keep the house, which is fine with me. It practically eats money...lol. And when I mentioned two weeks ago that the kids and I might need to live with my parents while I get my feet back under me, AH simply shrugged. That was his only reaction. I don't think he would fight me on going 7 hours away. He's in a place of not caring...just existing for the next drink...and our son isn't comfortable around him because he's so angry and unpredictable.
Anyway, thx for your concern. I've been keeping the legal side in mind. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hang in there musiclady. Good advice given here. I don't have much to add, except keep your chin up and keep you focus and perspective on what is best for you and them....I know it's hard to move far away, but that might the best thing to truly break away from this man. Good to get legal advice before doing that though...it might be good to be near your folks as you are going through this...they can be a real help for you...and the kids...you need good face to face support. This forum is an awesome place of support, sound advice...these folks really know their stuff here! Keep coming back.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, my concern about formalities includes the fact that you need to be OFF the mortgage if he's keeping the house. If he drops the ball and it goes into foreclosure, it could wreak havoc on your credit score. Best to get the loose ends tied up.
And whether you want to pursue it or not, he should be on the hook for financial support for the kids. It's THEIR right, not yours. If at some point he comes into money, he should be responsible for their support.
Sounds like you're thinking this through very carefully. Good job!
And whether you want to pursue it or not, he should be on the hook for financial support for the kids. It's THEIR right, not yours. If at some point he comes into money, he should be responsible for their support.
Sounds like you're thinking this through very carefully. Good job!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Hugs to you. I very much relate to your story, along with many of us unfortunately.
Keep working towards your plans, even though it is infuriating ...use the anger to propel you.
I myself need to harness my anger and not push it away, use it to keep going. Hugs. You are doing what is right for your children. And yourself.
Keep working towards your plans, even though it is infuriating ...use the anger to propel you.
I myself need to harness my anger and not push it away, use it to keep going. Hugs. You are doing what is right for your children. And yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by musiclady14 
7.5 years married. 9 years together. 7 years of me trying to get through to my AH about getting help. Me trying to keep our family together. Hoping that the ever closer and longer cycles of verbal abuse would stop. Hoping that the kids and I would one day not have to walk on egg shells. Hoping that we could eventually live debt-free rather than continually struggling because AH's 'needs' always come first. Then me realizing that I can't make my husband open his eyes and improve his life. He has to want it. Just him. For himself and no one else. No amount of anything from me or anyone else will effect change in him. He has to do it. But he isn't. And so here I am. At the very place I've been trying to avoid all these years.
My kids and I are leaving in three weeks. We have the option of either moving off our farm and into a rental home in the local town five minutes away, or to go 7 hours away to live with my parents (back to the area where we came from almost 6 years ago). Going to my parents' means uprooting my three children (16, 13, 6 - only the youngest is AH's) from schools and teachers and friends that they love. They're all doing incredibly well academically. However, all three are fine with doing whatever is best for the four of us. Over the weekend, some safety concerns arose with AH. It's as though he's worsening by the minute now. I don't even know if we'll be safe from him if we're living in the nearby town. He's so unstable and his alcoholic thinking is bizarre. As long as he has his bottles, all is well in his crazy world. So it may be that the best option is to disappear off his radar altogether (7 hours away) and hope that he forgets us just as he has done with everyone else who has ever been in his life. That's right - other than us, he has absolutely no one, solely as the result of his own behaviour. No family. No friends. And he couldn't care any less. Alcohol is his one true love, and nothing else matters to him.
It just makes me SO angry that one person's choices have for so long impacted negatively on my children and I. Yes, I stayed because I hoped for something better (the drinking revealed itself pretty much on our honeymoon...yay). And that's on me. But to think that this man chose to live his life this way, in a perpetual state of depression, anger and addiction, is so foreign to me. And he is not only continuing to drink heavily and become more physically, mentally and emotionally unwell, he is actually drinking even more and the alcoholism is now visibly progressing on a daily basis. He's literally killing himself right in front of us. So, yes, the decision was made a little while ago to leave. I've been getting my ducks in a row (employment, legal help, counseling, etc.) and making things happen. But in the quiet moments when I'm alone in the house, I just feel like screaming. All that we've gone through over the years with this man, just to have to uproot ourselves and start over. It's pathetic, albeit absolutely necessary. The selfishness and far-reaching effects of this 'disease' are overwhelming. I don't know how my Dad managed to survive two alcoholic parents, and then never touched the stuff himself. All I know is that I want a better life for my children and I. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know the kids and I will find happiness, stability and peace again. But, right now, I don't know...the resentment and disbelief are very strong.
Just needed to vent to people who will understand. Feeling alone. I'm strong and confident in moving forward. Just incredibly peeved that someone else's dysfunction has and is affecting me and my loved ones so deeply. And, believe it or not, I still love the man! I care about what happens to him. I care about what will happen to the man he once was before the alcohol took him over. Not the shell of a man with a depressed, angry, abusive alcoholic hiding inside, but the man I married. I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss my marriage and the family I thought we would always share together. I'm terrified that the alcoholic in him will eventually (and by that I mean in the not-so-distant future) kill the mixed-up but sensitive, abused person who's in the depths of this mess he has become. He deserves happiness, too, but it's not something anyone can give him. It comes from within. I'm so tired of all of it. Thanks for reading. I love SR.
My kids and I are leaving in three weeks. We have the option of either moving off our farm and into a rental home in the local town five minutes away, or to go 7 hours away to live with my parents (back to the area where we came from almost 6 years ago). Going to my parents' means uprooting my three children (16, 13, 6 - only the youngest is AH's) from schools and teachers and friends that they love. They're all doing incredibly well academically. However, all three are fine with doing whatever is best for the four of us. Over the weekend, some safety concerns arose with AH. It's as though he's worsening by the minute now. I don't even know if we'll be safe from him if we're living in the nearby town. He's so unstable and his alcoholic thinking is bizarre. As long as he has his bottles, all is well in his crazy world. So it may be that the best option is to disappear off his radar altogether (7 hours away) and hope that he forgets us just as he has done with everyone else who has ever been in his life. That's right - other than us, he has absolutely no one, solely as the result of his own behaviour. No family. No friends. And he couldn't care any less. Alcohol is his one true love, and nothing else matters to him.
It just makes me SO angry that one person's choices have for so long impacted negatively on my children and I. Yes, I stayed because I hoped for something better (the drinking revealed itself pretty much on our honeymoon...yay). And that's on me. But to think that this man chose to live his life this way, in a perpetual state of depression, anger and addiction, is so foreign to me. And he is not only continuing to drink heavily and become more physically, mentally and emotionally unwell, he is actually drinking even more and the alcoholism is now visibly progressing on a daily basis. He's literally killing himself right in front of us. So, yes, the decision was made a little while ago to leave. I've been getting my ducks in a row (employment, legal help, counseling, etc.) and making things happen. But in the quiet moments when I'm alone in the house, I just feel like screaming. All that we've gone through over the years with this man, just to have to uproot ourselves and start over. It's pathetic, albeit absolutely necessary. The selfishness and far-reaching effects of this 'disease' are overwhelming. I don't know how my Dad managed to survive two alcoholic parents, and then never touched the stuff himself. All I know is that I want a better life for my children and I. I know I'm doing the right thing. I know the kids and I will find happiness, stability and peace again. But, right now, I don't know...the resentment and disbelief are very strong.
Just needed to vent to people who will understand. Feeling alone. I'm strong and confident in moving forward. Just incredibly peeved that someone else's dysfunction has and is affecting me and my loved ones so deeply. And, believe it or not, I still love the man! I care about what happens to him. I care about what will happen to the man he once was before the alcohol took him over. Not the shell of a man with a depressed, angry, abusive alcoholic hiding inside, but the man I married. I miss him. I miss my best friend. I miss my marriage and the family I thought we would always share together. I'm terrified that the alcoholic in him will eventually (and by that I mean in the not-so-distant future) kill the mixed-up but sensitive, abused person who's in the depths of this mess he has become. He deserves happiness, too, but it's not something anyone can give him. It comes from within. I'm so tired of all of it. Thanks for reading. I love SR.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Yes, what Lexie said about the house.
If you have a good attorney they will get those bases covered. However, many don't. Please also think about future things that you and the children will go through and need financial assistance with and get it in your divorce decree!
So sorry you have to deal with all of this. Hugs right back to you!!!
If you have a good attorney they will get those bases covered. However, many don't. Please also think about future things that you and the children will go through and need financial assistance with and get it in your divorce decree!
So sorry you have to deal with all of this. Hugs right back to you!!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
