Poppet35

It's been ages since I last posted and I had hoped I wouldn't feel drawn back here again seeking help. But I'm here. I'm not going to go into too much detail. I thought things were looking up you see, I am working on my codependency issues and it's helping me see a lot of things I do that really aren't healthy and by altering my reactions I thought I was seeing good changes in myself and between us.
My partner is confused about how she feels about me, confused as to who I am, doesn't know what's true and what's not. I have been working really hard on myself and how I am on a day to day basis and I feel so much more in control and calm and was feeling happy and more myself.
She tried to quit smoking whilst she was working away and it was going brilliantly til she came home and as soon as she did she started again. This resulted in her being cold and unfriendly towards me. When she quits she gets insomnia so you can imagine she was feeling rough but then it all comes round to me not letting her relax and rest. So I had to endure days of her unpleasant bordering on rude behaviour towards me, everything that comes out of her mouth is negative about me or stuff in general.
She went away again for work and we talked and things seem OK, she comes home and as soon as I pick her up its the same distant, unfriendly behaviour. She 's been ill this time and I knew she needed to relax and rest when she got home so I tried to ensure that happened but I disturbed her when I went to make food and now it's become this almighty thing that I never let her relax and sleep, that I want the worst for her. Which i do not. I try to ensure that when she gets home from a trip she can relax, I know I don't always get it right. Do I really have to take responsibility for her getting rest and relaxation?
Over the last few days I have battled to stay up beat to not let her negativity affect me. When we talk it's all about all the stuff I don't do or could do better.
I know I make mistakes and my Co dependency is still here but nothing I do now is accepted. She won't accept anything from me - no kind gestures, she avoids me, she barely speaks to me and so on. It's been weeks since I've heard a kind word from her.
This all sounds so pathetic, I was ill whilst she was away and was still ill when she got back and she was so cold towards me, yet when she's ill and tired I have to move mountains.
All I want to do is show her that I love and care for her and I've been doing that despite receiving absolutely nothing in return but oh my goodness it is so hard to be loving and caring in the face of her unpleasant behaviour. I'm tired.
I know I can't change how she's feeling and I've been trying not to fall into the trap of cajoling and persuading and reasoning like I usually do to try and change her feelings because that's not how it works. Instead I've been working on me, the environment we live in, making it calm, happy.

Are others ou here battling is, trying to show someone you love them without bending over backwards. For the first time I told her I was struggling with her rude unpleasant behaviour - a big step for me, made no difference because it always com back to me being the cause of her being this way.

Sorry I rambled rather a lot.

SparkleKitty

Sometimes when someone is unable to love themselves, they are unable to accept love from someone else. She has a lot of work to do on herself before she will ever be a good partner to anyone in a relationship, but it seems she would rather blame you for all of her problems instead of helping herself.

We are simply not capable of making someone else happy who is not happy with themselves. The best we can do is work towards our own happiness and hope to be an inspiration to others.

There still aren't any magic words to fix or save her, but there is a great deal you can do to save yourself.

totfit

Maybe just worry about loving yourself and leaving her be might be helpful.

Ariesagain

It's my belief that when a relationship has deteriorated into an ongoing power struggle as to who's doing more for whom and how much and both parties are constantly unhappy that it's broken beyond reasonable hope of repair.

Sometimes it helps to go back and reread our own words. Here's a link to your threads, going back almost a year now...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7599349

I'm not 100% a Dr. Phil fan, but there's one thing he says: "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" Seems like she wants to be right.

She is at her core an unhappy person. It doesn't matter if she's smoking or not or whatever. Those are excuses to be emotionally abusive to you, dancing around trying to make her feel loved. Yikes.

She is who she is. The question is whether that's how you want to live.

maia1234

Poppet,
I am so glad you have reached out, I have been wondering how you were doing. Sounds pretty much the same. Last time you were on she was trying to stop smoking, and when she failed you were to blame. I know you know that any amount of you changing will never fully make her happy.

You know she is an addict, and addicts in their sole are very lonely and unhappy people. Addicts reflect on you their unhappiness, and that is what truly tears us down. Codies are normally very happy people, we are people pleasers. But they don't like that and tear us down to their unhappy level. You put up with it for so long, till you just can't take it any longer.

We are all here for you poppet, we care!! One day you will come here and inform us that you have the strength to do what you need to do, for you and your kids, and get out. Hon, you are a kind hearted, loving, brave women who is in a verbally abusive relationship with an addict. You are deserving of love and respect. Don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I am sending big bear hugs across the pond!!! One day at a time my friend!!

LexieCat

This is the EXACT same thing you've been dealing with all along, isn't it? Maybe the volume has toned down a bit, but the underlying dynamics are the same. She's unhappy, she blames you, you drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how to please someone who will NEVER be pleased.

I wish you would end this craziness. She isn't changing. You're looking at the rest of your life unless you do something to change where you're headed. And I don't mean you should work harder to please her.

How are your kids doing?

Maudcat

Hey, Poppet. Welcome back. Nothing has changed, has it? Are you feeling you are less codie?

AdelineRose

The issue is not that she doesn't believe you love her, the issue is that she is unpleasable, full of self-pity, abusive, and tearing you down at each and every moment of each and every day an that nothing will ever be enough for her. It is easier for an addict to deflect everything onto their partner then having to own up to it and see that THEY are the problem, NOT you partner.

There is nothing that you can do that will make her happy or pleasant to be around. We cannot force people to respect us or to treat us the way we know deep down that we should and deserve be treated. Maybe it is time to really take a look at how you feel right now and what you are getting out of your life together and be honest with yourself about the fact that even if she started to work on herself right this moment (which she is not) that it would still take a very long time for her to even start be capable to love or respect . Just because she is miserable doesn't mean you need to live like that.

hopeful4

Hi Poppet, it's good to hear from you!

I am so glad to hear you are working on you and your codependency issues. That so good! So many times, the stronger we become, the less our partners like it, that's just the reality.

It does not sound like much has changed. She still sounds moody and not nice towards you, which is a shame because you deserve so much more. Keep working on you so you can recognize that friend.

Hugs.

dandylion

Poppet.....it looks like you have lost yourself in this relationship.

Nata1980

Welcome back Poppet!

I am glad you posted. I keep coming back - although I have been divorced seems like forever and XAH is somewhere in a rear view mirror...

With that said.....I hope you have strength to find yourself. There is a whole world out there, wonderful world without entitled whiny addict in it. World filled with healthy people that can and will give, not just take.

Keep posting - we are here to support you

AnvilheadII

what if..........you took all the useless wasted energy trying to MAKE someone love you who never will...........and poured that into your children so they knew that they were ALWAYS loved by you and ALWAYS first in your life..........and lived the happy life you COULD have???? what might life look like then?

i was an only child raised by a busy alcoholic mother......from the time i was....gosh 8??, her "boss" was coming by our place at night after we had dinner. and when he'd show up, i'd get sent to my room. night after night after night. turns out they were having an affair, altho not engaging in such while i was out of the room.........but he was married, a dozen kids (not kidding), president of the local bank, two terms as mayor.....small town - not exactly a secret.

she waited for that man til the day she died......i was 33. for 25 years of my life, i was SECOND PLACE. as an only child, that kinda stings, when you know you are in the way, inconvenient, not worthy, not important.

don't let that be your kids. please. PLEASE.

Poppet35

Thank you to everyone who replied to me. This is proving a rather tough time but because I've worked on my codie issues (still got a long way to go) I am feeling able to step back a bit from her.
She won't eat - I don't cajole her to, she won't rest - I don't get into conversations about how she can't. I'm providing an environment where she can rest or relax or not if she won't.

Anvilhead I see where you are coming from ( i never want my boys to feel that) and I have been focussing my attention on my boys and making sure they know they are my top priority. My boys are happy and settled in school and we have plenty of fun and laughter.

I've started on a knitting project that's been kicking about for years and that's helping. I need to get more sleep as these last couple of weeks have been exhausting tho.

I do feel lost and I'm discontented with my job, I'm not really sure who I am or what i want in life. I keep an eye on jobs out there but I don't know what I want to do. I'm focussing more of my attention on me (and my boys), fixing me, finding things that make me happy and pandering less to her. Currently I work from home and that doesn't help at times like these but I've taken up running and that feels good.

I'm trying to leave her be - she can do what she wants, her behaviour is her responsibility, if she wants to be rude, cold and distant - that's her problem. I can only fix me. Boy what I wouldn't give tho for a cuddle and loving word.

Thank you for your words of support.

dandylion

Poppet...around here, you will often hear the saying----"going to the hardware store for a loaf of bread"......
When you do that, you are SURE to be disappointed.

Maybe, it is time to accept the fact that you are asking for what she doesn't have to give. So sad, for you......