oldbro

My 58yo brother is an alcoholic who has steadily declined for decades.
He lives in my house.
He was fired from his job.
He does not work.
The area has limited job opportunities.
He has no money.
He has no car.
He has been in and out of detox/rehab many times.
He is on food stamps.
I don't know how but he still manages to drink.
He's deceptive.
It's stressful for those around him.
He's a good man otherwise.

Is the better choice to leave things as they are or ask him to leave?
Is my putting a roof over his head stopping him from changing?

Hangnbyathread

Question 1.
What positive has come to you from any of what you listed above?

Question 2.
What of the above will change for the better by letting him stay?

Question 3.
If he weren't your brother would you have let him stay in your life in the above list you describe?

Hopefully these will help you decide the best answer to your question.

Not trying to sound hard or cruel, just saving the beating around the bush discussions you want to keep having with yourself about it.

NewRomanMan

So...he's 58 years old but he doesn't want to take care of himself or be responsible for himself because he's an alcoholic and well, that's what alcoholics do. And you should be willing to put up with this because???
Is he doing anything at all to reciprocate? If not, politely show him the door. You're not responsible for his alcoholism. He is.

AnvilheadII

if he's still drinking while living with you, he will find continue to drink wherever he ends up. he's 58 years old......and this is how he chooses to live his days. after multiple rehabs....multiple CHANCES to grab on to recovery and not let go.

some alcoholics just never get it. in the AA Big Book it's called being "constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves" and further, from chapter 5 How It Works:

There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.

for some they become so steeped in their denial, it cannot be broken, they cannot be reached.

LexieCat

Aside from the question whether it's doing anything good for you, is it even doing any good for HIM?

Sure doesn't sound like it. He can collect food stamps and be unemployed at a shelter just as well as he can at your house. He's got it made, staying with you.

heartcore

Are you happy?

If not, something has to change.

maia1234

We have choices in life. You can continue to enable your brother by giving him a home to drink in or not. It is your choice.

Maudcat

Hi, oldbro. Welcome. As someone who is witness to an alcoholic sib living with mom and has for many, many years, I can relate. Frustrating, anger-making, resentment-making., you name it.
My brother will never leave mom's house, and mom won't make him. That's their bargain. I am resigned to it.
But...his drunken malarkey has robbed her, I feel, of a peaceful old age.
There is nothing, nothing worse than an old drunk in failing health.
If I were you, I would start scouting out nursing homes for him. He will need one sooner rather than later.

hopeful4

I cannot imagine the chaos this brings for you. He is 58, maybe it's time he pick up, go to inpatient rehab in another town that he could go into sober recovery after and receive help getting employment. That is just my thought.

oldbro

Thanks for all the replies.
Some of you have asked what positive or good it's doing me.
The good is knowing that at least he has a home while he struggles with his addiction.
I don't know if I could live with the guilt of telling him to leave, with no place to go, and possibly making matters worse. That would be a huge negative. Probably worse than letting him stay...

LexieCat

The disease will get worse REGARDLESS of what you do or don't do. What if you were to kick him out and he decided that if he wants to survive he has to treat this like the emergency that it is?

I know someone who has close to 20 years of sobriety, who got there only after living in a cardboard box for a few weeks. That's what it took for him to get sober. Of course, there's no guarantee he wouldn't drink himself to death, instead. But he could do that at your house, too.

Maudcat

That is how my mother feels as well, oldbro. She can't bear the thought that my sib would be homeless.
Me, not so much.
One way that we were able to get my sib out of the house for a few years: he became very ill--withdrawal related seizure--and had to go into hospital. We worked with a social worker so that he detoxed in hospital, then we found him a sober house to live in.
He HATED it. Couldn't drink, had to follow rules. People who run sober houses are not pushovers, believe me.
But....he got sober, and stayed that way for a few years.
Sadly, we allowed him to move back in with my mother. Big mistake. He relapsed and drinks 24/7 now.
Maybe, as another poster said, you could force your brother into detox and then to a sober home.
It's ugly, sure. Peace.

Hangnbyathread

He isn't struggling with it, he is thriving in it. He has been given a situation whereby he can do nothing but enjoy drinking. No motivation for it to change.

Please take this as a supportive response. I'm not taking a shot at you. This is exactly a Codie Enabling response.

Please consider viewing it as this. And I will credit another member here for this analogy.

You are on the Titanic. It is sinking. There is no hope that it won't sink. Instead of putting on a life jacket and saving yourself, you're busy re-arranging deck furniture.

He is going to sink your ship if you allow it.

hopeful4

The Salvation Army and Teen Challenge are both good, long term rehabs that will help him set up when he is ready to leave. I believe both are free or have sliding fees based on incomes, which sounds like for him is none. Attainable.

I know someone who was just in Teen Challenge, by choice, for 14 months. It was of great help to him, and he did not leave until he had a stable job and living arrangement set up once he was done, he has been out for about 6 months and is doing well.

oldbro

It doesn't seem like he is thriving. While drunk he is in limbo, feeling nothing, but otherwise he is miserable. He wishes he was dead he told me recently.

I will never give up hope. He was a functioning alcoholic up until 2 years ago when he was fired. He seemed to slip into severe alcoholism about 5 years ago.

How will he sink my ship?

oldbro

He was in the salvation army program. After a few months they allow weekends away. He decided to drink one weekend and was thrown out on the spot.

Maudcat

Well, I don't know about sinking, but I can say that unless something changes, you will be responsible for him for the rest of his, and your life.
Happy or unhappy, depressed, wants to die, one thing remains the same: your sib has a place to drink, and drink he does.
This will not change. Ever.
Unless you change it. Up to you.

hopeful4

That's a shame. It's possible he needs to be in a dual diagnosis facility, one that can treat him for his depression, and also the alcoholism, which may be a byproduct of it, or reverse, who knows.

He will sink your ship because it will progress. What I have seen and read from so many that you can expect are:

That he may eventually steal from you or damage your property

His health will fail, which means you will be the one to take care of his health. He may likely decide to continue to drink while his health is failing.

His behavior will cause chaos in your own home, robbing you of any peace and serenity on your own home.

He will not have any money, which means you will have to financially and mentally support him.

He may end up in jail, and of course you will be the one he calls. You will have a hard time mentally leaving him there, which means the fall out financially is yours, and you become his warden in your own home b/c you will have signed to be responsible for him.

Of course I have no way of knowing if these things will happen, but they are pretty par for the course for many here at SR. It's a hard life.

For myself, living with someone who was severely depressed was as hard as the alcoholism itself. He should be able to get state benefits if he has no income, which should give him insurance to go to a facility who better understands a dual diagnosis and could help him as he sounds to be in a very bad place. I am sure you know, alcohol is a depressant, which means it's going to continue to make any depression issues even worse.

I will also mention that I don't think Teen Challenge is so quick to let you out on weekends.

dandylion

oldbro....I understand the family thing, I really do...
In your house, he has zero motivation to change.
How will it affect you?
He will get worse than he is now...and, he is at the age that the body starts breaking down and showing the effects of the years of damage....Yes, he will, literally, drink himself to death ...in front of you....and, you will still have "guilt" on your hands for enabling him to do just that....

If you didn't exist...or, you got hit by a damned ole train....what would he do?

You are allowing him to stay because YOU will feel bad....but, what is best for him? You are not really helping him.....
Sometimes, the right thing to do, is the hardest thing to do....

If he was in the Salvation Army, before for a long time...then he knows the "system" and, he knows where all the help is....even the free help....
Your place is just the most comfortable.....

Trust me...you are hurting more than he is. He has the alcohol to wipe out his feelings....you don't have that (I assume).....He is actually pulling the fast one on you...lol.....(think about it).

Look, I kicked my own son out of the house...It was hard, in the moment. I put everything he owned outside in plastic bags, and locked all the doors. When I did that, I cried so hard that I could hardly breathe...But, I was able to do it because I knew that it was the best and only thing I could do for him and me!!!
He bounced around for a little bit...but, he now has his own place, 2 cats, his own vehicle, a job that he likes, friends...and a different attitude about life....
He would never have had this if I didn't do the hardest thing I have ever had to do......

Maudcat

What is your hope, oldbro? That your brother will decide to stop drinking? I hope that as well.
Unfortunately, it sounds like he is pretty well in the grip of his addiction. In which case, just stopping could have medical consequences.
I assume you and he have talked about this? Does he want to stop, maybe this time for good?
Alcohol dependency is progressive. Gets worse over time. People are functioning alcoholics until they aren't. Maybe the loss of his job precipitated a downward slide. Maybe it would have happened anyway, job or no job.
Anyway, I understand and feel for you. No easy way out here. You may want to think about, as I said in an earlier post, what his life and your life are going to be 5, 10, 15 years from now. You will likely become his caretaker. If that's okay, so be it.