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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 13
Need Answers
I am looking for some support and came across this website. I was in a relationship for a year with an alcoholic. He was an old boyfriend from over 20 years ago and we reconnected. He has gone through two divorces and has 5 DUI’s and I still hooked up with him despite my better judgement because he was so charming and I felt like he was the one. I started seeing signs of his alcoholism very early on in the relationship but he made me feel as if the problem was me. The first time I stayed by his house he snored (I am assuming he has sleep apnea) and he made me feel like I was the crazy one and said he never met a woman who couldn’t sleep with his snoring. Slowly all of the criticisms started coming and the fights. He would drink and I would me worried about him driving and he would tell me I was putting relationship pressures on him and he didn’t need a guardian. Throughout the relationship my mental became quite broken to the point that my doctor described anti depressants. My alcoholic valentine went and told a friend of ours that I was out on anti depressants and that I was needy and clingy. Sex was out the window! He wouldn’t touch me when ever I went to visit or even if he did it was cold and with out emotion. I got to a point where I was on eggshells and even uncomfortable to try to snuggle up next to him on the couch. He then told me all his other women knew how to make him have sex with them which took a beating on my self confidence. The last argument we had was when he told me his brother told him that he didn’t really like me cause all he does is bad talk me. I was hurt and I told him about how he had told our other friend about me being put on anti depressants and I just blew up. He messaged me and told me he was the weak one and not me and he wanted some time to clear his head and get help. I gave him his space and I didn’t hear from him for a month. He messaged me a month after to tell me a lot of things had changed in that month and that he met someone who wasn’t trying to tear him down like I was. Someone who he could build an inpeneatreble wall of love with. He said I had one job and that was to help him get his daughter back (he is in a custody battle) and that this new girl gets it and is going to help him do that. I feel so discarded. It’s been 7 months and its almost like I am obsessive about the whole thing….like I failed. I tried Al Anon but I sob my eyes out everytime so I haven’t been back. I saw his Facebook and he is with this girl and they look very happy which makes me feel even worse. Was the problem me? I am searching for answers…..
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Sometimes it's a decent person who ends up acting terribly because of the drinking. Sometimes someone is a really terrible person who also happens to be an alcoholic.
This buffoon is the second kind.
His terribleness has absolutely nothing to do with who or what you are, what you did, or what you said.
Next time you see the warning signs (five DUIs????) you will know better and run away screaming.
It's not you...it's really, really, REALLY him.
Shake it off, try to be glad he's off pestering someone who isn't you and move on with your life, yes?
Sending you a hug.
This buffoon is the second kind.
His terribleness has absolutely nothing to do with who or what you are, what you did, or what you said.
Next time you see the warning signs (five DUIs????) you will know better and run away screaming.
It's not you...it's really, really, REALLY him.
Shake it off, try to be glad he's off pestering someone who isn't you and move on with your life, yes?
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 11
So sorry for the pain and discomfort you are still experiencing. Relationships that end, good ones or bad ones, are indeed painful to go through. I am new to the forum also and currently ending a 5yr relationship with an ABF, so I am right there with you going through those emotions.
There is a wealth of information on this site that can help you put things in perspective. Knowledge and self-education are powerful tools. The posters here are incredibly caring and have great insight too!
In reading your post, it struck a cord with me that perhaps you too downplayed some of your A's hurtful and belittling comments/actions. It helped me greatly to read the post about abuse found in the sticky note section. Follow the link on that page for (What abuse is).
I know it may not seem or feel like it at the moment, but you are, and will be, better off without him. Five dui's is not a great track record. And take heart, the new girl did not get a better version of him. Sooner or later she will find out his true colors too.
There is a wealth of information on this site that can help you put things in perspective. Knowledge and self-education are powerful tools. The posters here are incredibly caring and have great insight too!
In reading your post, it struck a cord with me that perhaps you too downplayed some of your A's hurtful and belittling comments/actions. It helped me greatly to read the post about abuse found in the sticky note section. Follow the link on that page for (What abuse is).
I know it may not seem or feel like it at the moment, but you are, and will be, better off without him. Five dui's is not a great track record. And take heart, the new girl did not get a better version of him. Sooner or later she will find out his true colors too.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Welcome!
I agree that he is a terrible narcissistic flaky arse who happens to be an addict.
You are incredibly lucky to be rid of him. Let him be someone else's problem
At least now you have a good handy list of red flags going.
My XAH is "charming" as well - and shallow as a puddle. Every time I see him I am reminded that I made a right choice.
I agree that he is a terrible narcissistic flaky arse who happens to be an addict.
You are incredibly lucky to be rid of him. Let him be someone else's problem
At least now you have a good handy list of red flags going.
My XAH is "charming" as well - and shallow as a puddle. Every time I see him I am reminded that I made a right choice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,977
Hi Berlyboo. Welcome to SR. I am very glad you found us.
It sounds like you have been through the mill and then some. As little as this guy deserves to be grieved, you are doing it and probably have some more time before you come out the other side.
Please get and read Codependent No More. It is a bit of a bible around here.
Most of us here have been through something just like you described. It is beyond horrible . . .big hug to you. Keep posting lady and we will try to support you!
It sounds like you have been through the mill and then some. As little as this guy deserves to be grieved, you are doing it and probably have some more time before you come out the other side.
Please get and read Codependent No More. It is a bit of a bible around here.
Most of us here have been through something just like you described. It is beyond horrible . . .big hug to you. Keep posting lady and we will try to support you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 13
Thanks everyone....logically I know I am better off but I am still grieving and in a way feel so obsessive. My self esteem has been shot. He would call me needy and clingy because I would be up calling him if I knew he was out drinking. I did this because I was worried. I would cry if he was drinking and driving and he said I always had an agenda and he didn't need anyone with an agenda. I felt like I could never do right. I was always apologizing.
I wouldn't lie I feel very envious of this girl but only because I am focusing on the good parts of him perhaps? I feel like I failed and she is better than me....like will he stop drinking and be the better man for her.
Is it common for alcoholics to not want physical intimacy with their mate ? That also made my self esteem really low. It was to a place where it was even egg shells to try to cuddle with him.....he didn'teven want to touch me. He said I was making him feel like we were married and putting those pressures on because one time I told him I don't share my body with a lot of people. Sigh.....sorry for all the questions but just trying to make sense of it in my head.
I wouldn't lie I feel very envious of this girl but only because I am focusing on the good parts of him perhaps? I feel like I failed and she is better than me....like will he stop drinking and be the better man for her.
Is it common for alcoholics to not want physical intimacy with their mate ? That also made my self esteem really low. It was to a place where it was even egg shells to try to cuddle with him.....he didn'teven want to touch me. He said I was making him feel like we were married and putting those pressures on because one time I told him I don't share my body with a lot of people. Sigh.....sorry for all the questions but just trying to make sense of it in my head.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You can't make any sense of it because it doesn't make sense.
To an advanced stage alcoholic, everything is categorized into "makes it easier for me to drink" versus "makes it harder for me to drink." You made it harder, so he emotionally abused you to make it easier. Then he found someone else who for now doesn't think he has a problem, because he's so charming.
As for sex...too much work and just maybe the drinking was starting to affect his ability in that area. Not uncommon.
The things he said aren't true just because he said them, you know. He was just pushing you away so he could drink in peace.
Sending you a hug.
To an advanced stage alcoholic, everything is categorized into "makes it easier for me to drink" versus "makes it harder for me to drink." You made it harder, so he emotionally abused you to make it easier. Then he found someone else who for now doesn't think he has a problem, because he's so charming.
As for sex...too much work and just maybe the drinking was starting to affect his ability in that area. Not uncommon.
The things he said aren't true just because he said them, you know. He was just pushing you away so he could drink in peace.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Bb,
Welcome. His behavior is typical alcohlism 101. First off its been a year. You are seeing his true self and calling him out over it. He doesn't like it, so it is time to move on to another enabler, who will just let him drink. It's easier then dealing with life on life's terms
I know you feel jealous of the other women, but hon, you should feel sorry for her. He will do the same abusive things to her as he did to you. What makes you think he will have a spiritual awakening with this new women? He will play the same con game on her. Read the forum, addicts move on quickly if someone interrupts their game plan.
Also about intimacy with an addict, this is very common.. Over the years of abuse to their bodies, things don't "work" as well as they use too. When you are always drunk, feelings don't exist, they are numbing them selves out. Don't take it personally, this has nothing to do with you. If you search intimacy with an addict, you will see that this happens more then not. Then of course they say it's because you are fat, or ugly, or a nag, text book.
Count your blessings that he has moved on. I know it hurts really bad, but some of us have held on for so long (34 years) that you become mentally ill from the family disease of alcoholism. Pray for him and let him go. Alcoholism is progressive, it will never get better unless he chooses sobriety and I dont think he is anywhere near this stage. Hugs my friend, you will be ok, him, I'm not so sure.
Welcome. His behavior is typical alcohlism 101. First off its been a year. You are seeing his true self and calling him out over it. He doesn't like it, so it is time to move on to another enabler, who will just let him drink. It's easier then dealing with life on life's terms
I know you feel jealous of the other women, but hon, you should feel sorry for her. He will do the same abusive things to her as he did to you. What makes you think he will have a spiritual awakening with this new women? He will play the same con game on her. Read the forum, addicts move on quickly if someone interrupts their game plan.
Also about intimacy with an addict, this is very common.. Over the years of abuse to their bodies, things don't "work" as well as they use too. When you are always drunk, feelings don't exist, they are numbing them selves out. Don't take it personally, this has nothing to do with you. If you search intimacy with an addict, you will see that this happens more then not. Then of course they say it's because you are fat, or ugly, or a nag, text book.
Count your blessings that he has moved on. I know it hurts really bad, but some of us have held on for so long (34 years) that you become mentally ill from the family disease of alcoholism. Pray for him and let him go. Alcoholism is progressive, it will never get better unless he chooses sobriety and I dont think he is anywhere near this stage. Hugs my friend, you will be ok, him, I'm not so sure.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 11
Bekind made an excellent recommendation to read the book "Codependent No More". I read it recently and have a better understanding of why I was choosing to stay in a one-sided relationship. Just as A's are addicted to alcohol, codependents get so emeshed in the situation they become "addicted" to the relationship or trying to "manage" the A.
Having questions of doubt, low self-esteem or failure, I believe, are natural when a relationship ends, especially those that include betrayal and abuse. We are so used to taking the blame, we naturally try to find our fault in the mess -- and more often than not, its not our fault! One thing I do know though, A's will protect their addiction at any cost. Anything that challenges or conflicts with their ability to take their next drink they see as a threat. As one wise poster said, it's easier for an A to start over with an innocent than to deal with boundaries. But to maintain your own sanity you have to set those boundaries! Otherwise, the addiction controls everything in its path!
My ABF was a charmer too, when it suited his agenda. He could be sweet and affectionate one minute then turn on the silent treatment or rage the next (especially if I challenged his drinking). There were times I wanted the affectionate person but he was "not available" because my A was in the throws of craving a drink. Many times he was not receptive to hugging, kissing, cuddling, let alone complete physical intimacy. His addiction stood in the way. Oftentimes it interfered with his ability to perform intimacy, so to protect his ego, he wouldn't even try. I'm sure other posters can relate to this experience also.
My ABF would taunt me saying things wouldn't be as bad if he were with someone else. Well, the truth is though, he's still an active alcoholic. So until he embraces recovery and maintaining sobriety, he is still the same broken person with the same demons and flaws. Those will follow him into the next relationship, and the next, and the next. His future relationships will be just as problematic as the one he had with me until he makes a change.
Hugs for a brighter and gentler day.
Having questions of doubt, low self-esteem or failure, I believe, are natural when a relationship ends, especially those that include betrayal and abuse. We are so used to taking the blame, we naturally try to find our fault in the mess -- and more often than not, its not our fault! One thing I do know though, A's will protect their addiction at any cost. Anything that challenges or conflicts with their ability to take their next drink they see as a threat. As one wise poster said, it's easier for an A to start over with an innocent than to deal with boundaries. But to maintain your own sanity you have to set those boundaries! Otherwise, the addiction controls everything in its path!
My ABF was a charmer too, when it suited his agenda. He could be sweet and affectionate one minute then turn on the silent treatment or rage the next (especially if I challenged his drinking). There were times I wanted the affectionate person but he was "not available" because my A was in the throws of craving a drink. Many times he was not receptive to hugging, kissing, cuddling, let alone complete physical intimacy. His addiction stood in the way. Oftentimes it interfered with his ability to perform intimacy, so to protect his ego, he wouldn't even try. I'm sure other posters can relate to this experience also.
My ABF would taunt me saying things wouldn't be as bad if he were with someone else. Well, the truth is though, he's still an active alcoholic. So until he embraces recovery and maintaining sobriety, he is still the same broken person with the same demons and flaws. Those will follow him into the next relationship, and the next, and the next. His future relationships will be just as problematic as the one he had with me until he makes a change.
Hugs for a brighter and gentler day.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Just remember that just because you see a pic on Facebook does not mean life is perfect.
Block him and stay away. It is a grief process, one you have to go through. If you let yourself do it by blocking him completely, you will do so and come out on the other side knowing not to tolerate this type of thing again.
Hugs.
Block him and stay away. It is a grief process, one you have to go through. If you let yourself do it by blocking him completely, you will do so and come out on the other side knowing not to tolerate this type of thing again.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Location: East of Eden
Posts: 420
Don't compare your insides to somebody else's outsides, because appearances are not reality.
BB, ask yourself...how much did you really lose? Seriously. How much? You admitted he was cruel, insensitive and selfish. Why let your self esteem be hurt by someone who is something you don't even want? Ask yourself if you'd like to be like him. If you would be proud of yourself inside acting like he does and treating people like he does. If the answer is no, then hold your head up and walk away knowing God saved you from a jack*ss.
BB, ask yourself...how much did you really lose? Seriously. How much? You admitted he was cruel, insensitive and selfish. Why let your self esteem be hurt by someone who is something you don't even want? Ask yourself if you'd like to be like him. If you would be proud of yourself inside acting like he does and treating people like he does. If the answer is no, then hold your head up and walk away knowing God saved you from a jack*ss.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 13
thanks everyone for your kind responses. It has been a hard road with many late night cries. Logically I understand everything you'll have said . My self esteem is shot but it makes me feel a little more sane knowing that intimacy problems are a common issue as that really took a beating on my self esteem. I did an exercise into the early hours of the morning...I chatted out all his binges that I had recorded on text and Facebook messenger. I recorded the dates and the things said and my god !!! I did not have any idea how often his binges were ...at least three times a month with constant promises to quit. The criticism and verbal abuse was also I didn't realize happened so much. I feel this was a good exercise as I can re read this and have a clearer picture. I have to get to a place where I see this as a blessing and stop trying to blame myself and thinking I could have done anything differently. I just want this sick hollow feeling in my stomach to go away, I want to be able to sleep and not cry. Thank you all for your loving words. Please keep supporting me if you can while I work through this. Love and light !!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Berlyboo, we are here and will continue to be here. It's good that you picked up "Codependent No More" and I think you'll find some help in it. Don't know how much reading around the forum you've done, but I'd recommend it. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page--they contain a lot of concentrated experience and wisdom.
In the time I've been here, it seems that the people who get the most out of this site are the ones who read and post to other people's threads, even if it's just to say "hang on" or "I'm thinking of you." A lot of times, it seems like offering support helps as much as receiving it.
Even though the A in your life is gone now, you still might find help from Alanon--if you can check out a few meetings, you'll know if this is for you. It's a great face-to-face resource for education and support too.
Keep reading, keep posting. Your life CAN change, and you will be the one to change it.
In the time I've been here, it seems that the people who get the most out of this site are the ones who read and post to other people's threads, even if it's just to say "hang on" or "I'm thinking of you." A lot of times, it seems like offering support helps as much as receiving it.
Even though the A in your life is gone now, you still might find help from Alanon--if you can check out a few meetings, you'll know if this is for you. It's a great face-to-face resource for education and support too.
Keep reading, keep posting. Your life CAN change, and you will be the one to change it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 13
Hi Everyone,
Well I decided to go to Cuba for a few days to get away and try to clear my mind. I spent my hard earned money and all I could think about was him. I am obsessed. I feel like I a losing my mind. He blocked me from seeing his pictures on Facebook but yet I still go onto the messenger and see when he was active. I look to see if I get any clues if he might be drinking. Why do I care so much? Why is it such an obsession?? His birthday was yesterday and it pained every part of me not to send him a message to say happy birthday. I keep picturing him living an ideal life with this new woman. I keep thinking what did I do wrong? Maybe I was too hard on him without taking time to properly understand the disease? He was my best friend. I don't mind that he doesn't want to be with me romantically but I feel like I lost my best friend and I don't understand how he could not be missing me as well. I feel so discarded, like I was nothing and now I feel even more crazy cause I literally have become obsessive.....sigh!
Well I decided to go to Cuba for a few days to get away and try to clear my mind. I spent my hard earned money and all I could think about was him. I am obsessed. I feel like I a losing my mind. He blocked me from seeing his pictures on Facebook but yet I still go onto the messenger and see when he was active. I look to see if I get any clues if he might be drinking. Why do I care so much? Why is it such an obsession?? His birthday was yesterday and it pained every part of me not to send him a message to say happy birthday. I keep picturing him living an ideal life with this new woman. I keep thinking what did I do wrong? Maybe I was too hard on him without taking time to properly understand the disease? He was my best friend. I don't mind that he doesn't want to be with me romantically but I feel like I lost my best friend and I don't understand how he could not be missing me as well. I feel so discarded, like I was nothing and now I feel even more crazy cause I literally have become obsessive.....sigh!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Don't compare your insides to somebody else's outsides, because appearances are not reality.
Truer words hardly ever spoken!
Berly-I know you are hurting and this has been a big blow...but it sounds like the relationship was a big blow to you all along...throughout the whole thing....from what you have shared here, it did not take him very long to start saying mean things to you and blame you for stuff and try to make you feel like everything was your fault...(you were too demanding, trying to control him, not attractive enough, never good enough)...and it became worse and he became more and more critical.
Now it's over and you've got to heal. Do not try to look him up on anything, anywhere. I don't care what/how he is possibly portrayed on social media...it's likely not an accurate reflection, but he needs to be part of your past and you don't need visual reminders or any reminders whatsoever of him.
He was your best friend? Really? Is that how friends treat one another, the way he treated you...? I don't think so....
Now here's a big hug coming your way and you will heal from this. We are here for you and understand the pain you are feeling.
Truer words hardly ever spoken!
Berly-I know you are hurting and this has been a big blow...but it sounds like the relationship was a big blow to you all along...throughout the whole thing....from what you have shared here, it did not take him very long to start saying mean things to you and blame you for stuff and try to make you feel like everything was your fault...(you were too demanding, trying to control him, not attractive enough, never good enough)...and it became worse and he became more and more critical.
Now it's over and you've got to heal. Do not try to look him up on anything, anywhere. I don't care what/how he is possibly portrayed on social media...it's likely not an accurate reflection, but he needs to be part of your past and you don't need visual reminders or any reminders whatsoever of him.
He was your best friend? Really? Is that how friends treat one another, the way he treated you...? I don't think so....
Now here's a big hug coming your way and you will heal from this. We are here for you and understand the pain you are feeling.
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