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Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
Hon, I don't know why you care so much, but maybe tell yourself over and over you don't care. You just don't care anymore....You had a weakness for him. He was a charmer. But he is ugly on the inside, regardless of alcohol or not. He is just a mean person and he was mean to you. 5 DUI's, 2 divorces and a child custody battle. I don't care what he looks like, he is full of crud. You fell for him. We've all been there and then been blind-sided when things went south. It can be the most God-awful feeling; like the wind got sucked out of you. He was not even a good friend! Not even. He made you feel guilty for just wanting what you should normally want; to be treated decently and with respect and like your wishes mattered and were important. Again, you simply cannot go by what/how he is portrayed on social media. Don't even go there. Cut it off; block it. Hon, there are people who love you just the way you are and accept you and will treat you kindly and with respect and that is what you deserve. But give it time and distance...this is still a new open wound right now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Berlyboo....I know you are hurting...but, you are in mourning...which is a natural and unavoidable part of dealing with a signigicant loss.
I know you want the pain gone,,,like NOW!
the truth is that it takes weeks to months, on average to get completely past the pain.....
I call it "short-term pain for the long-term gain"......
These are the things than an alcoholic (or a seriously messed up person) does to take the focus off of their actions and to go for the "quick fix" in order to make themselves feel better. A new squeeze is just that...to take his attention from the real issues in his life.
If you do some studying of this forum...and read some of the thousands of stories and read the stickies...above the threads....you will see the same patterns of what you describe, over and over and over.....
I see some real elements of abuse, also.
Itruvia has a thread going, right now. I suggest that you read through her whole thread...I think you will see some of your own situation in hers......
I know you want the pain gone,,,like NOW!
the truth is that it takes weeks to months, on average to get completely past the pain.....
I call it "short-term pain for the long-term gain"......
These are the things than an alcoholic (or a seriously messed up person) does to take the focus off of their actions and to go for the "quick fix" in order to make themselves feel better. A new squeeze is just that...to take his attention from the real issues in his life.
If you do some studying of this forum...and read some of the thousands of stories and read the stickies...above the threads....you will see the same patterns of what you describe, over and over and over.....
I see some real elements of abuse, also.
Itruvia has a thread going, right now. I suggest that you read through her whole thread...I think you will see some of your own situation in hers......
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 13
Well I have been officially diagnosed with depression and I am on anti depressants. I can't seem to shake this. His blocking me on facebook has really rocked me and it hurts. I was on this site reading about "loving an alcoholic" and it all says the same thing...RUN....so why am I sobbing my eyes out every day. I have been taking time off from work because I can't get myself together. I am wondering if reaching out to him just to get some closure will make a difference? Will he respond positively to that?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
I am wondering if reaching out to him just to get some closure will make a difference? Will he respond positively to that?
No I don't think it would help cos the chances are you will just be met with hostility and indifference and you will feel even more hurt and let down. He can't make you better. Only you can. Going no contact will help in the long run and once you meds have kicked in you will start to feel better and be more able to do the work to get back to happy again. ((huge hugs))
No I don't think it would help cos the chances are you will just be met with hostility and indifference and you will feel even more hurt and let down. He can't make you better. Only you can. Going no contact will help in the long run and once you meds have kicked in you will start to feel better and be more able to do the work to get back to happy again. ((huge hugs))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
One of the toughest things I've learned is that closure does not come from other people. It only comes from within. There is no answer that he can give you right now that will not open wounds of a hundred more questions.
Around here we call this "Going to the hardware store for bread." The people who hurt us are NOT the ones who heal us.
Give yourself some time and space and let your meds do their work.
Around here we call this "Going to the hardware store for bread." The people who hurt us are NOT the ones who heal us.
Give yourself some time and space and let your meds do their work.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Northern Michigan
Posts: 28,801
Just a big ole hug for you, Berlyboo.
We often romance the things no longer in out lives. As if they were better than they really were. Just like most of us romanced alcohol and found it was poison.
Just get on with life and know you are worth it. Your friend has his demons to live with.
Be kind to yourself and life will open up new doors to you.
We often romance the things no longer in out lives. As if they were better than they really were. Just like most of us romanced alcohol and found it was poison.
Just get on with life and know you are worth it. Your friend has his demons to live with.
Be kind to yourself and life will open up new doors to you.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Do NOT contact him. You're just setting yourself up to get clobbered again.
You might want to consider getting back to work. Staying home alone with your sadness doesn't help much. I'm a big fan of staying busy and distracted.
It will pass. Trust the process and stay away from him, you're just going to start the hurt all over again.
Sending you a hug.
You might want to consider getting back to work. Staying home alone with your sadness doesn't help much. I'm a big fan of staying busy and distracted.
It will pass. Trust the process and stay away from him, you're just going to start the hurt all over again.
Sending you a hug.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
berlyboo......it is good that you are on antidepressants if you are depressed, because they work for those who need them. They work better if one has therapy at the same time. Excuse me if I don't remember if you are seeing anyone for talk therapy...but, if you aren't...do yourself a big favor and seek someone out....
Study after study shows that daily vigorous exercise helps to lift depression...
Also...meaningful human contact is essential! face to face contact with those who are sympathetic and care and are willing to interact and listen to you.....
Structure helps....like going back to work....and having a daily routine laid out...
Alanon is a good way to have face to fact contact with others that are very compassionate...
Do not forget that you are, undoubtedly, still grieving......on top of any depression....
Depression has been described as a loss of feeling...sort of like feelin "dead" inside...
Grieving has been described as an abundance of feelings...overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger, obsessive thoughts, etc......
In short....medication, human contact/therapy, structure, vigorous daily exercise....
Also...stay away from him....it will only bring you fresh pain of rejection..
Study after study shows that daily vigorous exercise helps to lift depression...
Also...meaningful human contact is essential! face to face contact with those who are sympathetic and care and are willing to interact and listen to you.....
Structure helps....like going back to work....and having a daily routine laid out...
Alanon is a good way to have face to fact contact with others that are very compassionate...
Do not forget that you are, undoubtedly, still grieving......on top of any depression....
Depression has been described as a loss of feeling...sort of like feelin "dead" inside...
Grieving has been described as an abundance of feelings...overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger, obsessive thoughts, etc......
In short....medication, human contact/therapy, structure, vigorous daily exercise....
Also...stay away from him....it will only bring you fresh pain of rejection..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 13
Dandylion -- exactly how you describe grieving is exactly how I am feeling.
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement and for the hugs. I wrote a letter to him but just emailed it to myself. I have to pull myself out.
I am talking to a therapist that is helping me to figure out why I would think this is how I deserved to be loved....guessing there are some deep rooted issues there.
I can't wait to be happy again. I feel like I truly lost myself.
Thanks everyone for the words of encouragement and for the hugs. I wrote a letter to him but just emailed it to myself. I have to pull myself out.
I am talking to a therapist that is helping me to figure out why I would think this is how I deserved to be loved....guessing there are some deep rooted issues there.
I can't wait to be happy again. I feel like I truly lost myself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
You'll get there. Be patient--it takes time to heal. Hopefully your meds will be effective in lifting the worst of the depression, but remember--even emotionally healthy people have to work their way through grief and loss. So give it time, do the work, and things will begin to look brighter.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
If you steel yourself and block all references to him you'll pass through this pain faster and easier. I know it's hard, but the effort is worth it. After a lot of work in Alanon I saw it was my fault because I ignored warning signs and stayed much longer than I should have. I never want to go through that kind of misery again and, thanks to a wonderful sponsor, wont. A big hug.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 13
Hi everyone....just thought I would come and give a quick update. I have really been taking in all the advice. I have been actively reading the site every night, listening to you tube videos on co dependency and also trying to understand alcoholism as I still have so many unanswered questions. I took 3 days off of work ...last Fri, Sat, Sun. I stayed in bed and I cried...I cried like I have never cried before. This time I didn't stop myself....I cried , I felt the pain and the anxiety and I just shed tear after tear. To help me sleep I put on a TD Jakes video....the sermon was about letting people walk out of your lives. The message was "your destiny is not tied to anyone that leaves you". I listened to it over and over and it somehow gave me some strength. I also started my anti depressents and yesterday and today is the first time I felt a little more settled. I still had sick feelings when I thought of him but I quickly blessed him in my thoughts and moved on. I am trying my best to take all the advice and it felt good to feel somewhat normal again. I hope it continues but for now I am thankful for the two good days. Thank you to everyone who responded on my thread....and thanks to everyone who shares their stories on this amazing forum. It gives me comfort....
Love & Light !
Love & Light !
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Berlyboo1 
I am looking for some support and came across this website. I was in a relationship for a year with an alcoholic. He was an old boyfriend from over 20 years ago and we reconnected. He has gone through two divorces and has 5 DUI’s and I still hooked up with him despite my better judgement because he was so charming and I felt like he was the one. I started seeing signs of his alcoholism very early on in the relationship but he made me feel as if the problem was me. The first time I stayed by his house he snored (I am assuming he has sleep apnea) and he made me feel like I was the crazy one and said he never met a woman who couldn’t sleep with his snoring. Slowly all of the criticisms started coming and the fights. He would drink and I would me worried about him driving and he would tell me I was putting relationship pressures on him and he didn’t need a guardian. Throughout the relationship my mental became quite broken to the point that my doctor described anti depressants. My alcoholic valentine went and told a friend of ours that I was out on anti depressants and that I was needy and clingy. Sex was out the window! He wouldn’t touch me when ever I went to visit or even if he did it was cold and with out emotion. I got to a point where I was on eggshells and even uncomfortable to try to snuggle up next to him on the couch. He then told me all his other women knew how to make him have sex with them which took a beating on my self confidence. The last argument we had was when he told me his brother told him that he didn’t really like me cause all he does is bad talk me. I was hurt and I told him about how he had told our other friend about me being put on anti depressants and I just blew up. He messaged me and told me he was the weak one and not me and he wanted some time to clear his head and get help. I gave him his space and I didn’t hear from him for a month. He messaged me a month after to tell me a lot of things had changed in that month and that he met someone who wasn’t trying to tear him down like I was. Someone who he could build an inpeneatreble wall of love with. He said I had one job and that was to help him get his daughter back (he is in a custody battle) and that this new girl gets it and is going to help him do that. I feel so discarded. It’s been 7 months and its almost like I am obsessive about the whole thing….like I failed. I tried Al Anon but I sob my eyes out everytime so I haven’t been back. I saw his Facebook and he is with this girl and they look very happy which makes me feel even worse. Was the problem me? I am searching for answers…..
I can relate. I heard And went through the exact same thing!!
( The first time I stayed by his house he snored (I am assuming he has sleep apnea) I couldn’t sleep with his snoring!!. Slowly all of the criticisms started coming. He would drink and I would be worried about him driving and he would tell me I was putting pressure on him . My mental became quite broken. Sex was out the window! He barely touched me if he did it was cold and with out emotion AND very quick. He has No endurance at all! so I wasn't missing much
I was on eggshells and it felt uncomfortable snuggling up to him on the couch. He then told me it was my fault and I was the reason for the sexual tensions.(LMBO) But this did lower my self confidence for a bit. STBXAH now says he is the weak one (I think this was his guilt speaking) and not me. HE left. STBXAH has now met someone who drinks as much as he does (she has 2 children in the middle of that madness) I felt so discarded. I felt obsessive about the whole thing…like I failed. Same issue with the Facebook. STBXH with this girl and they looked very happy which made me feel even worse. I asked the same question ; Was the problem me?
Hang in there it gets better... At least you didn't marry the reject.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 13
Wow! Savingmein2017...,I read your post and I wondered if you made a mistake and posted back my story then I realized it was your story!!! My god it's exactly the same. May I ask how long it took you to realize he had a problem? By your acronym I see he was your husband ?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 123
Originally Posted by Berlyboo1
Wow! Savingmein2017...,I read your post and I wondered if you made a mistake and posted back my story then I realized it was your story!!! My god it's exactly the same. May I ask how long it took you to realize he had a problem? By your acronym I see he was your husband ?
The funny thing is I had and expressed issues with his drinking before we got married. I was told my senses were to keen because I don't drink. I would talk to his mom and all she would say is Leave him. Wow I should have listened but I loved him and married him anyways. So it's hard to say or answer "when". He was gone every weekend drinking but he called it work. I just dug in deep and sat on the couch night after night : depression set in. Then a very good friend stepped in and gave me a wake up call. Made me remember all the goals I talked about. I got my butt off the couch... went back to college ... graduated , started my at home business while working full time day job. Sat hubby down and set the boundaries. STBXAH got irate and walked out on me. Sure did hurt.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Ugh ladies count me in.
Same here - emotionless quick unfulfilling sex, constant comparisons with "all previous women did this and that", calling me crazy, etc. "All the previous women he has been with" line is very common. Claiming that I was frigid and then rejecting me when I was "going for it". Basically one cannot win.
I got off Facebook the minute he got on it - it was too depressing so see his face there.
We have a child together so I have to keep in contact. He is sober now, I refuse to "be friends" or listen about his recovery - he keeps telling me that there are are these supportive people there for him and I am not one of them. That's right! He can go and get support from all the mythical magical unicorn supportive people.
Hang in there - you will get through this - sounds like you are well on your way.
Same here - emotionless quick unfulfilling sex, constant comparisons with "all previous women did this and that", calling me crazy, etc. "All the previous women he has been with" line is very common. Claiming that I was frigid and then rejecting me when I was "going for it". Basically one cannot win.
I got off Facebook the minute he got on it - it was too depressing so see his face there.
We have a child together so I have to keep in contact. He is sober now, I refuse to "be friends" or listen about his recovery - he keeps telling me that there are are these supportive people there for him and I am not one of them. That's right! He can go and get support from all the mythical magical unicorn supportive people.
Hang in there - you will get through this - sounds like you are well on your way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 13
Wow incredible how similar everyone's stories are....this is truly helping me to heal faster....seems like I got lucky and spared of even more serious damage and pain. Hope I can keep up the healing. Thanks again to everyone. Keep posting...I love reading everyones' stories on the threads and hearing even comforting words about my own situation. I hope to be able to pay that forward soon. Love and light !!!
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