Dating, PTSD, Boundaries and Standards in the Post-Addict World...
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Hugs to all - Thanks for your insight and experiences.
I think really it's all natural, and just a strange adjustment to get accustomed to the idea that I want to be extremely particular with whom I allow in. What I'm trying to be careful of us that I don't shut people out for the wrong reasons. I think I am just being particular because I really want the next relationship I invest myself in to work, and for it to work I want to connect with her on all levels - intellectual, career, morals, goals, physical. All that stuff. Maybe I will set standards so high that I remain alone, and that's okay. But I just don't want to feel like I am settling, I feel like that would just make me like the addicts who rush to replace their ex with someone new for reasons of validation.
I learn more about myself every day. I don't think it's wrong for anyone, male or female, especially those of us here, to want the absolute best out of a new partner. I just need to learn to say "no" when I feel things aren't working, and trust in myself that I am taking a stand for myself because I value myself enough to want the right partner, just not someone to fill a void or make me feel "normal" because I have a girlfriend again.
I think really it's all natural, and just a strange adjustment to get accustomed to the idea that I want to be extremely particular with whom I allow in. What I'm trying to be careful of us that I don't shut people out for the wrong reasons. I think I am just being particular because I really want the next relationship I invest myself in to work, and for it to work I want to connect with her on all levels - intellectual, career, morals, goals, physical. All that stuff. Maybe I will set standards so high that I remain alone, and that's okay. But I just don't want to feel like I am settling, I feel like that would just make me like the addicts who rush to replace their ex with someone new for reasons of validation.
I learn more about myself every day. I don't think it's wrong for anyone, male or female, especially those of us here, to want the absolute best out of a new partner. I just need to learn to say "no" when I feel things aren't working, and trust in myself that I am taking a stand for myself because I value myself enough to want the right partner, just not someone to fill a void or make me feel "normal" because I have a girlfriend again.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Here's another thought. Every date doesn't have to be an audition for the role of long-term partner. It can be pleasant and fulfilling to have dating relationships that are casual. If you're not comfortable bringing sex into it, keep it casual. You can even let people know up front you're not on the hunt for a long-term partner right now. If you enjoy someone's company, you see them again. Maybe you see them often. But it's fine to keep it at YOUR comfort level. I often say there are a lot of perfectly fine, nice guys out there who are not relationship material.
Weekend before last I went with a male friend up to NYC to see a Broadway show. We were both surprised that the restaurant was serving its Valentines Day menu (weekend before V-Day). I commented, "Geeze, too bad we aren't each other's type." He's gay. We had a good laugh. I go to lots of shows and concerts with him, and he's great fun to hang out with.
Weekend before last I went with a male friend up to NYC to see a Broadway show. We were both surprised that the restaurant was serving its Valentines Day menu (weekend before V-Day). I commented, "Geeze, too bad we aren't each other's type." He's gay. We had a good laugh. I go to lots of shows and concerts with him, and he's great fun to hang out with.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Here's another thought. Every date doesn't have to be an audition for the role of long-term partner. It can be pleasant and fulfilling to have dating relationships that are casual. If you're not comfortable bringing sex into it, keep it casual. You can even let people know up front you're not on the hunt for a long-term partner right now. If you enjoy someone's company, you see them again. Maybe you see them often. But it's fine to keep it at YOUR comfort level. I often say there are a lot of perfectly fine, nice guys out there who are not relationship material.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 526
I am just starting to date. Friends at work recommended online dating- and I have to admit it has been fun. I am being careful and not giving out a lot of information- I haven't gone on any second dates yet. I haven't met anyone yet I would enjoy continuing with-
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