Alcoholic Fiance.
 

First, I am so glad I stumbled upon this website. Anyway, my fiancé has a huge drinking problem. Both his mom & dad (uncles, brothers, etc) also have drinking problems. He told me about a month ago that he is done drinking and he's ready to start his life with me. He said he's excited to quit drinking. He does fine when he's home alone and when it's just him and I, but when he goes to his dads or uncles alone, he drinks. It's gotten so bad that lately he will try to hide it from me if I show up later than him or if he comes home drunk. Obviously, I can tell when he drinks. I just. I don't know what to do or how to bring it up to him in a way he will understand my concern for him and our future (thinking about children here). Between my work and college schedule I don't have time to see a therapist right now and afford it. I'm hoping soon I can, but this is my only hope right now. It's such a strain on our relationship and every time he goes to his families I worry and he comes home drunk every time.
Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to bring this up to him before I can get into a therapist?

Thanks

Hi there and welcome to the forum!

The only advice I can offer is to put stop on marital plans until fiancé sobers up completely (as in abstaining from alcohol plus having consistent support program) and goes like that for a year. I realize that this is not what you want to hear.

His family is another concern - these are potentially future grandparents, aunts and uncles of your babies. Even if he transforms his life - there is that....


How to bring it up to him? You have to have a firm boundary in place and let him know what behavior is unacceptable to you and always, always follow through

Right now there is a very little incentive for him to quit - he gets to drink (albeit not in your presence) and gets to call himself your fiancé. I have married a sober alcoholic who was working the program - even then chances of success are not that great (I am divorced single mother now).


Good luck and hope you stick around here - this place is a life saver!

hello and welcome. sorry for what brings you here.

He told me about a month ago that he is done drinking and he's ready to start his life with me.

so the "talk" of sorts has already happened once. he SAID no more drinking, but he IS still drinking.

that should be a big concern, not only as a partner, but especially with someone you plan to marry. it wouldn't be a stretch to suggest that you withdraw the "fiance" title until he has proven one full year of unbroken sobriety. not 4 days, 3 weeks, or a couple relapses now and then.

what you see is what you get. he has a family history of alcohol problems. you can already see 5, 10, 20 years down the road. down YOUR road.

alanon meetings are free and local. and they are for YOU.

Welcome. Unfortunately, you have no control over how he will hear your concerns. He will continue to drink his way until he is ready to stop. He already continued to drink after he said he was done drinking. He will continue to find ways to drink.
You need to identify your boundaries and follow through the first time he violates your boundaries.

Hi, and welcome. It's good that your fiance is aware that he is drinking too much. it doesn't sound as though he wants to stop, however. THAT is whole nother ball game. I wouldn't marry him at this point. Life with an addict is no picnic. It's easier not to go there than to try to get out later.
If you have not already, I would pick a time when you are calm and he is sober and alert--not hungover. I would express my concerns about his consumption and, if you decide to take this route, tell him there will be no marriage unless he stops drinking.
And mean it. That is your boundary.
Watch what he says and does when you do this. That will go a long way toward telling you where the alcohol is in his priority list, and where you are. Peace.

What Anvil said. And just to be clear, this isn't about his family's being a "bad influence." Alcohol is EVERYWHERE in our culture. One of the things about alcoholism is that the alcoholic NEEDS it, to feel "normal." So if it weren't Dad and Uncle, it would be the guys at work, or the "stress" of classes, the job, the relationship, whatever. Anything is an excuse to drink.

I've been in two marriages to alcoholics (one sober, one not), and I'm eight years sober, myself. Believe me, you do NOT want to get married to an alcoholic who hasn't fully recovered (and we are talking at LEAST a year of continuous, relatively happy sobriety). Even more do you not want to have children with such a person. Everything becomes infinitely more complicated when you put legal ties and children into the mix. And it's HORRIBLE for children to grow up with an actively drinking alcoholic parent.

Wanderlust....I hope that you stay around this forum...and, continue to read here.
There is so much to learn...and, there are thousands of real life stories of what life is like with an alcoholic....

W,
Great questions and good for you for doing your "homework". I was with my addict for 34 years. From year 1 he was lying and sneaking around with his addictions. Do you think that would have taught me something?? Plus, having a family history of alcoholism, Ugh! Nope, I thought I could handle everything.

Please educate yourself on what you are up against. He is showing you that he wants to drink. He is telling you that he needs to stop and has a problem. There is a huge gray area that you are heading down. All I have to say is, believe what he is doing, not what he is saying. They will say and do anything to protect their drug of choice.

I agree with everyone else, put the brakes on moving forward into marriage until he actually can show you for a long period of time that he really wants to quit drinking and follows that through with some kind of a plan like AA.

This statement puts you in a position of you vs his drinking and can lead you down the wrong path of believing that if he loved you enough he'd stop or that he's picking drinking over you. Sadly, you have nothing at all to do with his drinking or why he drinks or him stopping drinking.

As it was suggested, al-anon is free and usually offers a variety of times, days and places. I'm sure you could fit that into your schedule and it would be very beneficial for you. I also hope you stick around here, read the stickies and keep posting.

Just for starters -- that's very good advice.
M-Bob

I'd put a hold on the wedding plans until he's got at least a year sober. It's easier to stay out of some things than to get out of them. :(

Thanks
 

Thank you everyone. I had no idea al-anon even existed. I googled it and found one in the next town over I'm going to call today and get more information.
im going to call and see if there's a therapist near by to go to 1-2 times a month and start bringing him once in a while.
I understand addiction is hard and alcoholism is a disease, I just pray he can overcome this.
Thank you guys again

Wanderlust...I congratulate you for being willing to take actions on your own behalf. After all, each of us is responsible for our own happiness.
You are at a crossroad in your life, and the decisions that you make can change your life for years to come.
Please hang around, continue to post, and learn...
Knowledge is power.

Al-Anon and a therapist sound great for you.

I'd think twice, though, about the notion of "bringing him once in a while." Your therapist is not going to be in a position to treat him. And "couples therapy" isn't an option as long as he's drinking. It might be helpful once you are both into solid recovery (if that ever happens). You COULD tell him that therapy is helping you (if it is) and he might be motivated (if he's serious about wanting to quit drinking) to go into his own therapy with an addiction specialist. But AA is often just as effective and it's free. There's real power in being surrounded by recovering alcoholics who are ready to call you on your BS.

For now, I'd suggest you concentrate on yourself and see what he does. Not what he SAYS, but what he DOES.

I am going to be very blunt here, and it's not to hurt you. Believe that.

Run. Run away now. Addiction that is family wide is even harder.

Under no circumstances should you procreate with this man. If you think it's chaotic and painful now, throw children in the mix and it becomes the most toxic and tragic thing you have ever experienced, and one in which you have very little control over. I know, it's my life, and it's been the most painful thing I have ever had to deal with. You never know love for anything like your own child, and to see them hurt because of addiction and the bad behaviors that follow is nothing but tragic.

Sending hugs. I second getting face to face support and therapy, for YOU.

Mine liked to drink some when we were dating, not a lot, it wasn't until two months after we were married when he started drinking heavily. If I could go back in time, I would have never married him. No matter how much you love someone, they have to get better on their own, you can't do it for them. And if they're not ready to change, it will always feel like they're choosing alcohol over you.

Marrying someone is easy. Divorcing is much harder. Take your time in making big decisions like this, life is not a race. Do your research and keep posting. We're here for you.

Welcome Wanderlust!

Anon is such a blessing for me. Good for you on checking it out. The first meeting is always scary, just walking in but know that people in those rooms have been exactly where you are. They say to give it at least 6 meetings before you decide if it is for you or not. I've also heard it suggested to try different groups. Each one is a little different.

Please keep posting and reading.

Hopeful4 and saveyourheart are right on. As long as your fiancé continues to drink and will not embrace full recovery, your relationship with him has disaster written all over it. And I mean life altering disaster. Please please for your sake and the sake of your future children, SLOW DOWN and think again. At the very least read thru some more of the threads on SR and keep an open mind to the warnings. Don't think "this can't happen to me" or that "he loves me so much, I just know he'll quit drinking for me". It doesn't work that way when a person is an alcoholic. There won't be anything you can do to make him stop drinking. Period.
As another poster said, I don't mean to sound harsh or pessimistic, but there is too much at stake for anything but total honesty.

I would run too. I wish I had. The fallout of me not running has been a life changing ruination of my kids lives and mine. 20 years of pure hell and my now exah does exactly as he likes leaving me to pick up the pieces. I cannot describe the guilt of what my kids went through nor the shame I felt at allowing it. My exah family are all alcoholics and banded together against me making me out to be the misery who wouldn't get drunk with them and then helping him get the marital home which I bought off me and off loading all the marital debt onto me by passive aggressive refusal to pay anything to people owed. I thought he loved me..he didn't. I thought he was a social drinker..he wasn't. He was just a user, keeping his comfortable life as long as I put up with it. Don't be like me.

Empathy and support sent to you.