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What is MY role in my spouse's recovery? My spouse has been sober for 60 days (2 months) today, and I find that my hardest struggle is being the right level of support. I've searched these forums a bit to find a similar topic, been to a few Al-Alon meetings on Saturdays, I have read Codependent No More, I know that I struggle with that and finding the balance between supporting and enabling. But I am also a person that likes knowing the plan of care (I'm a Registered Nurse by trade, it's part of my personality now): what the game plan is, the next steps, the next treatment... And I feel like in his recovery, I get this recurring feeling either that I'm not wanted or I'm literally being excluded (for his benefit, I assume). If the latter is the case, THAT'S FINE, but I just wish someone would tell me that. I find myself resenting his sponsor, because the perception I get is that recovery comes first (which I am 100% on board with), but that work/family/relationship is negligible. I believe it's because his sponsor is single/unmarried and can't necessarily understand the family/spouse dynamics. As an example, my spouse and I btoh work weekdays, so the weekends are the only time we have for 'quality time.' That said, his sponsor has my spouse go to his place to work on the steps from 8a-11p last Saturday, and nearly the same hours on Sunday. No heads up for length of time (though I do understand that 'we have no expectations for how long the process takes,' but surely you can offer my spouse (and thus, ME) an idea, especially with a toddler in the mix. I had ZERO time with my husband. And I know, better to lose my spouse for the weekend than lose him to alcohol for a lifetime. I get it. Again, if this is how it has to be, I can be 100% on board with that - just give me some sort of expectation, so I can mentally adjust and cope. *whew...vent over* With all that said, has anyone come across any helpful forum posts, books, articles, that details the spousal guidelines related to recovery? What am I doing while he's working on step 4? Am I allowed to ask him how step 4 is going? Am I doing things that are taboo or off-bounds for spouses? Am I allowed to voice my concerns to his sponsor? Am I even allowed to talk to his sponsor? I WANT to be supportive, I really do. But I am so new to this, I don't know where I need to back off and where I am allowed to ask for information (time frames, expectations, family considerations). Sorry for the long questions and mini vent in the middle - this has been eating me up for the past 3 weeks. Thanks everyone for reading and sharing; this forum has been a tremendous source of healing for me. <3 you all! :grouphug: -Lyn |
In my experience, the best role I could play in RAH's recovery was none at all. How/when he works his steps & what he discusses with his sponsor is not my business. I don't speak to his sponsor about anything because we don't have a personal relationship - they do. This is part of his sanctuary & in order to keep it that way it's a no-spouse zone for us. I would certainly bring up having more respect around the days/hours being used for his recovery work but at the same time, it's far too early (in my personal opinion) to start restricting the time he needs to dedicate to recovery work & meeting, etc. Yes - I felt the exact same way about the lack of control around all of this but that really showed me a lot about how subtle my own codependency was. Early recovery was HARD on both of us & I needed & wanted time for my own "work" as much as he did - but received far less. I really expected everything to just magically come back together but I discovered it was a far more difficult & lengthy process than all that.... I went through a lot of stages of anger, loneliness & fear even though things were supposed to be getting better. (How could I not? Things weren't changing for me as quickly as they were for him - I was still juggling so many responsibilities and NOW I was also making time for HIS recovery!) And I was offended deeply at having been on the receiving end of years of bad behaviors & dysfunction but on the outside looking in when it came time to fix & resolve. I was furious that a bunch of strangers essentially knew more about the problems in my life than *I* did. Once I learned to detach from all of this, it got a lot less uncomfortable for me. None of this is easy but you've found an amazing place for resources. If you haven't yet started reading the sticky posts at the top of this forum, please do. You won't be sorry you spent the time reading through what amounts to the top posts/threads about recovery from this side of the fence. :hug: |
What is MY role in my spouse's recovery? |
Does it feel a bit like this, Lyn? (copy/paste from an older post of mine):
Originally Posted by FireSprite
(Post 4238137)
6 months sounds like such a long time to be in recovery & working changes into your life but in reality at 6 months I was only just starting to feel my own rage & resentments & exhaustion at the whole situation. And I felt entitled to them; I had earned every bit of that heartache & I wanted answers & apologies. I wanted him to know how badly it hurt to have the person you trusted the most betray you, I was vengeful for a while... and how dare he now have this positive attitude, full of snappy AA quotes & glass half-full thinking while I was just starting to feel the edges of the white-hot rage I had buried inside. For me things stayed very much the same for the first (almost) year of his recovery especially since I hadn't yet understood how to embrace my own (or understand how badly it was needed). Yes, he was no longer drinking, but instead of being locked away in bars & spending his time with other A's he was locked away in daily AA meetings & sharing all the details of his drinking problem with a bunch of strangers which I found isolating & a bit insulting - here I was the person MOST affected by his poor decisions & I wasn't even privy to understanding how or why we got to this point. I felt abandoned by him for his alcoholism at first, and then abandoned for recovery/AA after. Even though our area has literally about 100+ AA meetings each month, Al-Anon meetings are very few & far between & never during times I could actually attend. And when I did I felt such a disconnect - there seemed so little information about moving forward with a RA, more of the topics speak to supporting those with active A's or those that chose to leave. I wasn't finding anything relevent to MY life or challenges. I was still having to hold down the roles of being both Mom & Dad to our DD since he was only able to concentrate on his recovery. I still went to work every day to a job I only half-liked and I still struggled with the financial fallout he had created in our lives. I was the one searching for solutions, assistance, debt consolidations, etc. I was forced to look at the Big Picture & he was living One Day at a Time. Nothing really changed for me as quickly as I expected. No one in my circle really understands addiction so even though I had a few shoulders to lean on, they couldn't really understand anything that I was going through. And I really didn't want to run around announcing how wonderful his recovery was going since I essentially knew nothing about it and didn't want to look like the fool if/when he relapsed. I was never so happy as I was the day I googled and found SR. I learned SO MUCH about things I had no understanding of - resentments, detachment, the chemistry of addiction, the physiological changes happening in his body during his detox, how very not unique our situation was, etc. That's when things changed for me - that's when I started to see my own recovery needs more clearly. That's when I was able to better separate Me from Him & start handling things with a Me-First attitude. There was also the element of feeling like I would NEVER be done supporting him..... while my own support seemed lesser both in volume & intensity. Some days the "issues" in my mind got so tangled up that I just wanted to be free from all of it & I thought about leaving more AFTER he sought recovery than I ever did before. I wasn't sure we'd ever be on the same page again. |
As selfish as it seems but your husband's recovery is his #1 priority. Only he can help himself but the only role you can offer is your support to him during his recovery. I suggest you taking yourself to more Al-anon (for family members) meetings they will give you great support and also give you information/tips. Also, it will help you understand and be able to deal with your husband's recovery. Your husband is going to change throughout his recovery especially when he starts working the 12 steps. |
Originally Posted by alyn528
(Post 6335886)
Also, it will help you understand and be able to deal with your husband's recovery. |
Originally Posted by FireSprite
(Post 6335890)
Actually, it won't. Al-Anon's focus is not on the addict or how to assist in their recovery, but it will provide wonderful tools for your OWN recovery needs. |
Originally Posted by FireSprite
(Post 6335884)
Does it feel a bit like this, Lyn? (copy/paste from an older post of mine): |
Stay focused on your own recovery, work hard in Alanon. Recovery is a solitary business and I'm glad it is your husband's priority. I hear a lot of judgement and desire to be involved in his program when the real focus should be on yourself. I had to learn a mantra -- "it's none of my business" -- in recovery in order to keep the focus on myself. |
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
(Post 6335923)
I hear a lot of judgment and desire to be involved in his program when the real focus should be on yourself. I had to learn a mantra -- "it's none of my business" -- in recovery in order to keep the focus on myself. I guess I'm struggling most with the balance. Yes, recovery is his #1 priority. But (and call it selfish if you'd like) what about us? It's such a multifaceted dynamic, and I'm not saying 'all-or-none' when it comes to recover vs. family, but surely SOME balance should exist, right? For those further down the road with your recovery/recovering alcoholic, what have you experienced with the time commitment to AA/sponsor, and has that transitioned back to a more positive home life, or more quality time together? I apologize if the thoughts seem disjointed or hectic; I'd rather type it out and have it be my true reaction and feeling, v. going back and editing it to try to put myself in a better light (working on honesty). |
do you remember when your toddler was two months old? i bet you read every book you could get your hands on, quizzed the pediatrician, asked your mom, your sister, the grocery clerk about babies. and yet nothing really prepared you for the sleepless nights, those late night feedings, walking the floors,maybe the long car drives. WHY won't she sleep? WHY won't she stop crying? WHAT am i doing wrong??? and by the time you'd think you had one thing figured out, it would be something new. your life now with a person 60 days sober is a lot like that. but the BIG difference is......he's an adult. and he is dealing with a life-threatening illness that will never GO AWAY, can only be put into remission. everything you describe that he is doing is hugely recommended to help cement a solid recovery foundation. actively working the steps, actively working with a sponsor, going to meetings. the more meetings the better. and yeah, it means he's not home and present as much. but what was he like as a drunk? this is HIS journey. you can best support him by letting him do what he has to do. i personally don't like the idea of spouses/partners interacting with the other's sponsor.....that is a special relationship that should be off limits. pretty much the same with his step work. it is intensely private, often shameful, revealing secrets, reckless thoughts, bad deeds. the only person who ever saw or heard my step work was my sponsor. i wasn't writing a blog or a thesis......and it was nobody else's business. these are just my thoughts based on my experience with 12 step programs (going back to '87). there is quite a ways to go yet. but things will moderate, he will find his balance. the time to be concerned is if he starts blowing off his sponsor, skipping meetings, severing that tether to sobriety. |
I personally think your role in his recovery should be not much different than your role in other parts of his life. I am speaking from a person on his side of the equation. He may or may not want to talk about things, but just leave it up to him. I am not of the bent that believes "recovery" should be an all consuming affair as in constant support group/sponsor meetings. I believe that recovery if fully participating in life and family. Otherwise, what is the point really? The point for me, the reason I don't drink is that I want to and do fully participate in life. For better or worse, my spouse barely acknowledges or discusses any milestones or length of sobriety, etc. The reality is that it is my deal to succeed or not. Don't feel "left out" if your spouse chooses not to discuss things much. Focus on the things you can do otherwise to enrich your own life. |
LynCM.....if you went back through my posts, you would see that I have often said that I think it would be more merciful, for all, if the newly recovering alcoholic lived away from the family for the first year ..as if away on a long sabbatical. For one thing, when one partner is away, it cuts out the expectations that each partner has...and, it frees up the co-partner to focus totally on themselves. I do realize that it feels like being a single parent to the one left at home,if there are children. But, it seems, to me, that "single parent" is already somewhat baked into the cake, anyway. With an active alcoholic..most are shouldering it all, already. Like having an absentee husband.... If they relapse back to drinking,,,,single parent with absentee husband, and a lot more worries, on top. It is a tough row to hoe....whether they are drinking or in recovery (especially early recovery---first year and more)..... I think of many couples where one spouse is absent most all of the time...like a military person who is on deployment....or truckdrivers....or astronauts...or CEOs of large corporations....or actors and musicians.... I have been married to a doctor who was never...hardly ever, at home....(I had been a RN, and worked as a PA at the time) lol....he actually scheduled time in his appointment book for me for a two hour "free time" on Sundays....(had three children).... What I am trying to say, is, that one has to adjust their expectations down to almost zero for time together. I remember crying, one time, to another wife, in the same situation...and she told me that how she coped was to make a complete life for herself....she opened her own jewelry business and threw herself into that...had her own friends, how own schedule...and filled her life with running the home,business and children. I read in a book, written by Dr. Oz's wife...that she almost divorced him over the same issues....and she, ultimately, developed a life of her own, to cope with it. She only wanted him to come home for dinner...and, she learned that this was never going to happen.... Maybe, what I am saying to you, is that y ou are not alone. There are lots of marriages where absentee husbands are pretty much the norm. ***One thing that is reported by alcoholics is that all emotions are scarey without alcohol to help them cope. It is possible that relationship and family are big stressors for him, at this early stage...and, that it feels "safer" within his recovery community. Early recovering alcoholics report having a lot of feelings of guilt and shame and resentments that they find to be almost overwhelming....They are, emotionally, like a new born colt..trying to walk on shakey, spindly legs. I hope some of my rattling on helps... |
You've gotten great feedback, here. My first husband has been sober 37 years. What is going on right now isn't the way it will be forever. I'd not expect a whole lot of "normal" for the first year. Big adjustments on both sides, just getting accustomed to sobriety. It's more of a challenge than you would think, unless you've been through it yourself. What he is doing now will pay dividends down the road. And I agree--focusing on your own recovery is the best way to regain your own balance and avoid being preoccupied with him. |
I heard this a long time ago and it helped me when my codie thinking and behaviors kicked into over drive. Alcohol is an alcoholic’s trigger. Drugs are a drug addic’ts trigger. And relationships are a codependents trigger. When I would feel left out or that I didn’t matter or didn't feel needed or important enough to him, I had to remind myself to look inward and figure out what was going on inside of me and where the insecurity was coming from. Al-anon helped me work through so much of that. |
Incidentally, if he stays on board and continues with the same sponsor, you'll meet him eventually. Some sponsors become personal friends of the sponsee (and the sponsee's family), others don't. Both scenarios are fine, it really depends on the personal philosophy of the sponsor (and the sponsee). Neither one is "wrong." But sooner or later your paths are likely to cross. You can be friendly and let them take the lead in terms of your relationship (if any) with the sponsor. The point is not to take it personally if they are more comfortable keeping the recovery work and personal stuff separate. |
Originally Posted by LynCM
(Post 6335849)
But I am also a person that likes knowing the plan of care (I'm a Registered Nurse by trade, it's part of my personality now): what the game plan is, the next steps, the next treatment... And I feel like in his recovery, I get this recurring feeling either that I'm not wanted or I'm literally being excluded (for his benefit, I assume). If the latter is the case, THAT'S FINE, but I just wish someone would tell me that. -Lyn I feel like you have gotten excellent feedback and I just want to address a small portion of your original post. I also work in healthcare and I GET what you wrote in the statement above. I just want to caution you that for me, what worked at work was part of my recovery challenge. Part of what has changed for me in my recovery is my relationship with work. Healthcare attracts and in many instances fortifies the co-dependent behaviors that are already well ingrained, at least it did for me. It was very confusing for me to separate out what "caring for," really meant in my work life and in my home life. As I started to perceive my life and recovery differently I struggled with the idea that if I was not participating in old patterns of behavior did that mean I was not a caring person? In many instances what I believed made me a good healthcare provider was in conflict with what I was learning about in recovery. To say it was confusing was an understatement. Also I experience a lot of push back when I started to make changes in my behavior at work/home that was challenging. Luckily with time more of this came together for me and I was able to sort it through. In retrospect BECAUSE of my recovery I have better work/life balance and in all honesty am a better employee at work as I have learned and grown. What I do know is that you got this. |
Originally Posted by dandylion
(Post 6335955)
LynCM.....if you went back through my posts, you would see that I have often said that I think it would be more merciful, for all, if the newly recovering alcoholic lived away from the family for the first year ..as if away on a long sabbatical. For one thing, when one partner is away, it cuts out the expectations that each partner has...and, it frees up the co-partner to focus totally on themselves. I do realize that it feels like being a single parent to the one left at home, if there are children. But, it seems, to me, that "single parent" is already somewhat baked into the cake, anyway.... What I am trying to say, is, that one has to adjust their expectations down to almost zero for time together. ... developed a life of her own, to cope with it. I'm learning I need to find peace in that detachment.. I struggle with wanting to be involved/a part of it, but thanks to everyone's comments, I'm learning that this really is HIS process, and I have mine. I shouldn't interfere or observe in his. I have a lot of hard wiring to undo and fix. I LIVE off expectations. Maybe that's a nurse thing, maybe it's a military thing. I'm trained to have guidelines and a plan of care/attack, to define and communicate expectations with peers, subordinates, and superiors. THIS IS SO DIFFERENT. But different doesn't mean bad, right? I like that you threw in notes on spouses engrossing themselves in new hobbies, businesses, jobs, etc. I feel like I've lost so much of my identity from this struggle, that it'll take some time to find that again. TIME seems to be the biggest issue. Balancing Work, Relationship, Me, Toddler, Exercise, Hobbies.... for so long, "ME" has been at the bottom of the pecking order. I'm starting to think (and you guys can confirm this if true) that relationship, at least for now, is going to have to be at the bottom of the pecking order. |
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
(Post 6335936)
do you remember when your toddler was two months old?.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
(Post 6335936)
this is HIS journey. You can best support him by letting him do what he has to do. i personally don't like the idea of spouses/partners interacting with the other's sponsor.....that is a special relationship that should be off limits. pretty much the same with his step work. it is intensely private, often shameful, revealing secrets, reckless thoughts, bad deeds. the only person who ever saw or heard my step work was my sponsor. i wasn't writing a blog or a thesis......and it was nobody else's business. these are just my thoughts based on my experience with 12 step programs (going back to '87). . The nice thing I'm gathering here is that this is all still very early in his recovery; still a lot of turmoil, dissonance, and discovery to be found. I guess I was just sad that there was no "what to expect when you're expecting" pamphlet for your newly recovering alcoholic. lol. |
For those further down the road with your recovery/recovering alcoholic, what have you experienced with the time commitment to AA/sponsor, and has that transitioned back to a more positive home life, or more quality time together? |
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