What is MY role in my spouse's recovery?
Recovering Codependent
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by totfit 
I personally think your role in his recovery should be not much different than your role in other parts of his life. I am speaking from a person on his side of the equation. He may or may not want to talk about things, but just leave it up to him. I am not of the bent that believes "recovery" should be an all consuming affair as in constant support group/sponsor meetings. I believe that recovery if fully participating in life and family. Otherwise, what is the point really? The point for me, the reason I don't drink is that I want to and do fully participate in life. For better or worse, my spouse barely acknowledges or discusses any milestones or length of sobriety, etc. The reality is that it is my deal to succeed or not. Don't feel "left out" if your spouse chooses not to discuss things much. Focus on the things you can do otherwise to enrich your own life.
There was a post that I came across elsewhere (unknown source, I apologize), where a sponsor was talking about his sponsee:
His meeting attendance was regular, but only two to three nights a week. This worried me to start with, but I need not have been concerned. He had family responsibilities which he more than lived up to, and together we had worked the steps and he was practicing the principles in all his affairs, and he had changed right in front of my eyes. Within a year he was re-established in a community and was an accepted a loved member of the neighbourhood, and he still went to his home group, and sponsored one or two others. This is an example of program based recovery. He has been able to have balance in his life and his family do not begrudge him his AA activity because they are directly experiencing the benefits.
Tangent, I apologize. clearly that's a topic that gets me very heated. But back to your response, I will work harder to do what I can to focus on me and my daughter, do things for US. Not let my husband decide my happiness for me. Thanks again for your insight!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
sweets, he didn't enroll in remedial basket weaving. he is engaged in a LIFE AND DEATH struggle to overcome his addiction. can you try to equate it to weekly dialysis? or other vital treatment? he isn't blwoing you off just so he can go hang with a bunch of sober folks and drink lousy coffee.
it is suggested that newcomers try 90 in 90 - a meeting a day for 90 days. more if possible. it's like an intensive crash course. my ex husband who now has....gosh, wait, gotta count here...sober date Jan 1984...ah, 33 YEARS clean and sober still attends at least one meeting a week, still sponsors people, is still involved in conferences and retreats and camp outs. and do you know WHY?
cuz he doesn't want to end up a dead dope fiend.
it is suggested that newcomers try 90 in 90 - a meeting a day for 90 days. more if possible. it's like an intensive crash course. my ex husband who now has....gosh, wait, gotta count here...sober date Jan 1984...ah, 33 YEARS clean and sober still attends at least one meeting a week, still sponsors people, is still involved in conferences and retreats and camp outs. and do you know WHY?
cuz he doesn't want to end up a dead dope fiend.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yup, my 37-years-sober first husband still goes to at least a couple of meetings per week and sponsors a number of new guys in the program (and has his own sponsor). It's not all-consuming for him, but he enjoys it, it enhances his sobriety, and he's paying it forward--doing the same kind of work that he benefitted from.
BTW, I'm sober eight years, myself (my alcoholism developed later in life), but I did the 90/90, and went to several meetings a week for the first year. After that it dwindled down to one meeting (my home group) per week. Which was fine for me, but different people are different in terms of the amount of time they devote to AA.
BUT IN THE BEGINNING, there is really no such thing as "too much recovery"--certainly there should eventually be balance, but it's way too early to expect that. And if it's been more than a year and he's still not engaged with the family (assuming he remains sober) then the "balance" issue can be addressed.
BTW, I'm sober eight years, myself (my alcoholism developed later in life), but I did the 90/90, and went to several meetings a week for the first year. After that it dwindled down to one meeting (my home group) per week. Which was fine for me, but different people are different in terms of the amount of time they devote to AA.
BUT IN THE BEGINNING, there is really no such thing as "too much recovery"--certainly there should eventually be balance, but it's way too early to expect that. And if it's been more than a year and he's still not engaged with the family (assuming he remains sober) then the "balance" issue can be addressed.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: SE USA
Posts: 599
Lyncm,
You are getting some excellent advice and perspective here. I was in your husbands shoes a couple of years ago. Those first 3 to 4 months are probably going to be the hardest and most critical of his sobriety. He probably couldn't balance right now if he had to. I see people fail in recovery all of the time because they will not do the work. I heard once that recovery is like launching a spaceship. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to get off the ground but once it's in orbit it just needs minor boosts to stay on course. It won't be like this forever.
Take good care of yourself. It will get better.
You are getting some excellent advice and perspective here. I was in your husbands shoes a couple of years ago. Those first 3 to 4 months are probably going to be the hardest and most critical of his sobriety. He probably couldn't balance right now if he had to. I see people fail in recovery all of the time because they will not do the work. I heard once that recovery is like launching a spaceship. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to get off the ground but once it's in orbit it just needs minor boosts to stay on course. It won't be like this forever.
Take good care of yourself. It will get better.
Recovering Codependent
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
sweets, he didn't enroll in remedial basket weaving. he is engaged in a LIFE AND DEATH struggle to overcome his addiction. can you try to equate it to weekly dialysis? or other vital treatment? he isn't blwoing you off just so he can go hang with a bunch of sober folks and drink lousy coffee.
it is suggested that newcomers try 90 in 90 - a meeting a day for 90 days. more if possible. it's like an intensive crash course. my ex husband who now has....gosh, wait, gotta count here...sober date Jan 1984...ah, 33 YEARS clean and sober still attends at least one meeting a week, still sponsors people, is still involved in conferences and retreats and camp outs. and do you know WHY?
cuz he doesn't want to end up a dead dope fiend.
it is suggested that newcomers try 90 in 90 - a meeting a day for 90 days. more if possible. it's like an intensive crash course. my ex husband who now has....gosh, wait, gotta count here...sober date Jan 1984...ah, 33 YEARS clean and sober still attends at least one meeting a week, still sponsors people, is still involved in conferences and retreats and camp outs. and do you know WHY?
cuz he doesn't want to end up a dead dope fiend.
My only point is that if someone has both cancer and hypertension (high blood pressure), would you only address the cancer and not the other issue as well? Again, I'm just trying to spark thought and respectful debate. I'm not sure who sweets is, but if you were referring to me, I kindly and respectfully ask that you refrain. I am wholly appreciative of your insight, and everyone's insight thus far, and for that, thank you. But please, I am new in this struggle and would request that everyone stay respectful. Thank you.
Recovering Codependent
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by sg1970
Lyncm,
You are getting some excellent advice and perspective here. I was in your husbands shoes a couple of years ago. Those first 3 to 4 months are probably going to be the hardest and most critical of his sobriety. He probably couldn't balance right now if he had to. I see people fail in recovery all of the time because they will not do the work. I heard once that recovery is like launching a spaceship. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to get off the ground but once it's in orbit it just needs minor boosts to stay on course. It won't be like this forever.
Take good care of yourself. It will get better.
You are getting some excellent advice and perspective here. I was in your husbands shoes a couple of years ago. Those first 3 to 4 months are probably going to be the hardest and most critical of his sobriety. He probably couldn't balance right now if he had to. I see people fail in recovery all of the time because they will not do the work. I heard once that recovery is like launching a spaceship. It takes a tremendous amount of energy to get off the ground but once it's in orbit it just needs minor boosts to stay on course. It won't be like this forever.
Take good care of yourself. It will get better.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Honestly I'd be counting my blessings that he has 60 days clean, and appears to be taking his sobriety seriously.
Just like when actively drinking, the booze comes first and everything else is a distant second, it the same when it comes to recovery, especially in the early days like he is.
I would just be supportive and let him do what he needs to do, to stay sober, even if that may be uncomfortable for you at this time.
Just like when actively drinking, the booze comes first and everything else is a distant second, it the same when it comes to recovery, especially in the early days like he is.
I would just be supportive and let him do what he needs to do, to stay sober, even if that may be uncomfortable for you at this time.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Alcoholics are selfish and recovering ones are too. I think you have to choose which selfish you prefer. He needs to focus on himself and will do for years to come..... the rest of his life to maintain sobriety. The road to recovery is paved with slip ups and relapses. Even if he never relapses his sobriety comes first. There is no balance. Only you know if you can live with that. Personally I couldn't. I felt like I'd sacrificed enough of my one precious life. My exah is even more self obsessed since he went to rehab. Awful to say but he was nicer drunk but even then it was always about him.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Originally Posted by atalose
I heard this a long time ago and it helped me when my codie thinking and behaviors kicked into over drive.
Alcohol is an alcoholic’s trigger.
Drugs are a drug addic’ts trigger.
And relationships are a codependents trigger.
When I would feel left out or that I didn’t matter or didn't feel needed or important enough to him, I had to remind myself to look inward and figure out what was going on inside of me and where the insecurity was coming from. Al-anon helped me work through so much of that.
Alcohol is an alcoholic’s trigger.
Drugs are a drug addic’ts trigger.
And relationships are a codependents trigger.
When I would feel left out or that I didn’t matter or didn't feel needed or important enough to him, I had to remind myself to look inward and figure out what was going on inside of me and where the insecurity was coming from. Al-anon helped me work through so much of that.
This
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Originally Posted by LynCM
You offer a lot of terrific insight; thank you, dandylion. I'd be lying if I said the idea of living apart for a year didn't incite a lot of fear and anger in me (i.e. "this isn't my fault, why should I suffer as a single parent?" "how the hell am I going to manage by myself?")
But as everyone has mentioned, there is something to be said for detachment.
I'm learning I need to find peace in that detachment.. I struggle with wanting to be involved/a part of it, but thanks to everyone's comments, I'm learning that this really is HIS process, and I have mine. I shouldn't interfere or observe in his. I have a lot of hard wiring to undo and fix.
TIME seems to be the biggest issue. Balancing Work, Relationship, Me, Toddler, Exercise, Hobbies.... for so long, "ME" has been at the bottom of the pecking order. I'm starting to think (and you guys can confirm this if true) that relationship, at least for now, is going to have to be at the bottom of the pecking order.
But as everyone has mentioned, there is something to be said for detachment.
I'm learning I need to find peace in that detachment.. I struggle with wanting to be involved/a part of it, but thanks to everyone's comments, I'm learning that this really is HIS process, and I have mine. I shouldn't interfere or observe in his. I have a lot of hard wiring to undo and fix.
TIME seems to be the biggest issue. Balancing Work, Relationship, Me, Toddler, Exercise, Hobbies.... for so long, "ME" has been at the bottom of the pecking order. I'm starting to think (and you guys can confirm this if true) that relationship, at least for now, is going to have to be at the bottom of the pecking order.
And this
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by LexieCat
BUT IN THE BEGINNING, there is really no such thing as "too much recovery"--certainly there should eventually be balance, but it's way too early to expect that. And if it's been more than a year and he's still not engaged with the family (assuming he remains sober) then the "balance" issue can be addressed.
Have you read much on the topic of Reasonable Expectations? So many of us on the codie side come into this process with our expectations mislabeled as "normal things that everybody has/wants/desires/needs".
This is also where we can all be very different on this side of the fence - not every spouse is automatically a codependent person & some may develop some short-term codie behaviors in the face of active addiction only to find it subsides pretty quickly once they are no longer faced with that obstacle. But for SOME of us (raises hand), this is something we've fine-tuned since early childhood & by the time we (*I*) started recovery, I had been calling many of my codie behaviors my strengths - no one was more organized, in control, on top of the schedule! Look no farther for the Most Manipulative Martyr - I won that award many consecutive years.
I had to back waaaaaay up & dig very, very deep into the roots of Me & figure out where/when all that cross-wiring started. I had to get really honest with myself about the behaviors too - acknowledging my underlying motivations or jealousies or judgments or whatever.
Figuring out things on my side of things showed me a LOT about myself that blew my mind.
It sounds like you've been going the right way in recovery from what you've read/done, but don't forget YOU'RE in early recovery too.....not just him. The more you take that energy that is going to waste right now, worrying about his balance & his recovery, and put it to work in any direction on something for yourself, it will pay off for all of you. That's the hidden beauty of real recovery - you double-time working on yourself & you end up finding tools that help create positive change in every other area of your life. Every relationship in my life, especially the one I have with My Self, my work life, my parenting have all improved exponentially in this process.
but WHY does it have to be an all or nothing situation?
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Some of things I’ve come to understand about recovery is………..
The drinking is the symptom of a deeper cause. Your husband will need to work hard on understanding that cause and how to replace his copping with healthier decisions other than to drink.
Rehab is an opportunity for them to rid the body of the toxins of alcohol and to begin to learn about their disease and ways to keep it arrested such as meetings and sponsors.
It’s always suggested that 90 meetings in 90 days is a great start but that’s just it, it’s a start. Recovery is life long there is no destination other than to continue to remain in active recovery or to drink again.
The first year of recovery is the hardest, anything he puts ahead of his recovery right now like family, friends, work, etc. it’s a good chance he’ll eventually lose.
I have been in al-anon for 15 years, each year new members find their way into the rooms, usually years too late and are finding themselves being left by the A’s in their life because the A’s have grown in their recovery while the loved ones remained the same. And it’s always the same line we hear….”after all I did and put up with for years, this is what I get”.
I think if you really make a commitment to yourself to work on you and your issues (many we don’t even know we have) you’ll gain an insight on the slow process of self-realization and self-recovery that your husband is also working on.
The drinking is the symptom of a deeper cause. Your husband will need to work hard on understanding that cause and how to replace his copping with healthier decisions other than to drink.
Rehab is an opportunity for them to rid the body of the toxins of alcohol and to begin to learn about their disease and ways to keep it arrested such as meetings and sponsors.
It’s always suggested that 90 meetings in 90 days is a great start but that’s just it, it’s a start. Recovery is life long there is no destination other than to continue to remain in active recovery or to drink again.
The first year of recovery is the hardest, anything he puts ahead of his recovery right now like family, friends, work, etc. it’s a good chance he’ll eventually lose.
I have been in al-anon for 15 years, each year new members find their way into the rooms, usually years too late and are finding themselves being left by the A’s in their life because the A’s have grown in their recovery while the loved ones remained the same. And it’s always the same line we hear….”after all I did and put up with for years, this is what I get”.
I think if you really make a commitment to yourself to work on you and your issues (many we don’t even know we have) you’ll gain an insight on the slow process of self-realization and self-recovery that your husband is also working on.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 508
Insight and experience
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
Alcoholics are selfish and recovering ones are too. I think you have to choose which selfish you prefer. He needs to focus on himself and will do for years to come..... the rest of his life to maintain sobriety. The road to recovery is paved with slip ups and relapses. Even if he never relapses his sobriety comes first. There is no balance. Only you know if you can live with that. Personally I couldn't. I felt like I'd sacrificed enough of my one precious life. My exah is even more self obsessed since he went to rehab. Awful to say but he was nicer drunk but even then it was always about him.
My husband stopped drinking 4 years ago. He was diagnosed with PTSD 2 years ago.
I stopped drinking 3 years ago. I have suffered recurring depression and problems with my mental health and addictions for 20 years.
I have teenage daughter.
His teenage daughter and younger sister live with us too.
Our family has lived together full-time for 6 years.
The stress is too big. He is moving to a flat of his own tomorrow.
I used AVRT to stop drinking after years of abuse and continue to use resources such as SR, therapy, studying psychology and other tools to continue my recovery and learn new ways to deal with life.
My husband stopped drinking because it interacted with medication he was taking for his low mood and caused violent outbursts.
The violent outbursts that are out of his control, even with the 'correct' medication and help with psychological therapies still continue. He rages with no end in sight nowadays. The medication doesn't make him feel the way he used to I guess. He thinks he's moving out because I want him to because that's how it FEELS.
In my opinion and that of those who understand the psychology of addiction this is a therapeutic move designed to reduce stress in the only way available. I am moving past feelings into the unknown world of having a husband I love dearly (less than 6 years married) unable to even remember what he says during his outbursts, etc...
Really concentrate hard on yourself, your life, recovery, support for yourself to get through difficult times and learn to turn the co-dependant around to become independent, mature, caring and adult.
Sorry if I've put this in the wrong place, it resonates with me.
Let it be.
Let it go.
Refocus
Recovering Codependent
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by FireSprite
^^This, right here. Lyn, all bets are off in early recovery. There IS no normal. There IS no such thing as too much recovery work. It is FAR too early for him to be able to identify & strike a balance between however-many-years-of-drinking & 60 of days of Not.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Have you read much on the topic of Reasonable Expectations? So many of us on the codie side come into this process with our expectations mislabeled as "normal things that everybody has/wants/desires/needs."
Originally Posted by FireSprite
But for SOME of us (raises hand), this is something we've fine-tuned since early childhood & by the time we (*I*) started recovery, I had been calling many of my codie behaviors my strengths - no one was more organized, in control, on top of the schedule! Look no farther for the Most Manipulative Martyr - I won that award many consecutive years.
Thank you for all your insights and your sharings; they have already helped me tremendously.
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Because so is addiction. Simple, not easy.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
When talking on the subject of "unfairness" in a relationship.......I always come back to the word "topsy-turvy"......
As we are growing up, we are taught the principles that we should live by, in our relationships with others. We are taught what we should expect with give and take. We learn it in our family, our schools, churches, and the culture, at large. And, they are, generally, good and solid principles...and work out pretty well, when used.
The sticky wicket is, that, these principles are designed for healthy people in healthy relationships.
There are two situations where rigid adherence to these principles do not work out for the individuals....in the face of addictions or abuse.
These turn the principles that we have l earned, all topsy-turvy.
for example..."Treat a person with trust and they will live up to that trust"...doesn't work with a drug addict.
"What you give, you will receive--as it is better to give than receive"....doesn't work with an alcoholic who wants what he/she wants when they want it.
"all you need is love--because love conquers all"...doesn't work with addiction or abuse...you can't just love it away in another person...
And, a really big one...."a good spouse never "gives up" on their partner".....Letting go of something that is destructive to us is not the same thing as giving up.....
Just saying.....
As we are growing up, we are taught the principles that we should live by, in our relationships with others. We are taught what we should expect with give and take. We learn it in our family, our schools, churches, and the culture, at large. And, they are, generally, good and solid principles...and work out pretty well, when used.
The sticky wicket is, that, these principles are designed for healthy people in healthy relationships.
There are two situations where rigid adherence to these principles do not work out for the individuals....in the face of addictions or abuse.
These turn the principles that we have l earned, all topsy-turvy.
for example..."Treat a person with trust and they will live up to that trust"...doesn't work with a drug addict.
"What you give, you will receive--as it is better to give than receive"....doesn't work with an alcoholic who wants what he/she wants when they want it.
"all you need is love--because love conquers all"...doesn't work with addiction or abuse...you can't just love it away in another person...
And, a really big one...."a good spouse never "gives up" on their partner".....Letting go of something that is destructive to us is not the same thing as giving up.....
Just saying.....
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Yes, definitely. I think once you have 10 posts on the forums you'll be allowed to use the private message function - PM me any time.
If you haven't yet found these old threads, you might get a lot out of their content:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ally-mean.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-they-can.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...miserable.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html
If you haven't yet found these old threads, you might get a lot out of their content:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ally-mean.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-they-can.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...miserable.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...etting-go.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
LynCM, I just found this article in one of my folders and wanted to post it here for you in case it was helpful:
https://www.hazelden.org/web/public/..._decision.page
It's great to see you posting in so many other threads, jumping into your own recovery just as wholeheartedly as your RAH has jumped into his!
Wishing both of you strength, clarity and joy that grows in the days to come.
https://www.hazelden.org/web/public/..._decision.page
It's great to see you posting in so many other threads, jumping into your own recovery just as wholeheartedly as your RAH has jumped into his!
Wishing both of you strength, clarity and joy that grows in the days to come.
Recovering Codependent
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 33
Originally Posted by honeypig
LynCM, I just found this article in one of my folders and wanted to post it here for you in case it was helpful:
https://www.hazelden.org/web/public/..._decision.page
https://www.hazelden.org/web/public/..._decision.page
"No. Recovery is a decision, not a negotiation. You don't negotiate with this disease, you either recover from it or you don't."
First, I choose to be sober today, and then I find out, as the day goes on, what the price of that choice will be. I don't negotiate a price in advance.
On good days, the price turns out to be low. It is sunny and pleasant, and everyone I meet seems to agree with me. Sobriety is easy. On bad days, it is 100 degrees and humid, and people seem to annoy me. Sobriety is harder and its price is higher. No matter what, I make the decision for sobriety first, without knowing today's price.
First, I choose to be sober today, and then I find out, as the day goes on, what the price of that choice will be. I don't negotiate a price in advance.
On good days, the price turns out to be low. It is sunny and pleasant, and everyone I meet seems to agree with me. Sobriety is easy. On bad days, it is 100 degrees and humid, and people seem to annoy me. Sobriety is harder and its price is higher. No matter what, I make the decision for sobriety first, without knowing today's price.
I needed to read that. Thank you, HP.
(Side note: anytime I see someone [or myself] type "HP," I immediately think of Harry Potter. Yer a wizard, honeypig!)
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