My Dilemma
 

so...I have cancelled my AH's visa. Now I am scared of the fallout if and when he finds out/I tell him.

He is only in Vietnam on a spouse/dependant visa. As he left me last October and is living/working illegally here he no longer qualifies and I was increasingly uncomfortable with continuing to support/enable his stay here - especially as he left to drink and seems in no hurry to return to AA or to make any amends...or even to have any contact. My DD is also frightened of bumping into him and his/her reaction. We are always looking over our shoulders here.

My dilemma is - do I tell him he has no visa..or not.

If I tell him he may exact revenge; cause trouble at my work/home; sell the house that is in his name but belongs to me; threaten us in other ways.

If I don't tell him then I continue to be wary of meeting him; DD will still be anxious and he will be building up a daily fine for overstaying his vise plus when he does leave the country he will not be allowed in and is likely to be deported back to Turkey.

The visa I cancelled was valid until July. It will be difficult for him to obtain another visa here as a Turkish citizen. I am hoping to wait until the house sale is blocked by my divorce case.

He has happily left me with debts that I have only just discovered;emptied my bank account by stealing my bank card to finance his new life; and has had no contact since the end of November - not even a a happy birthday for DD who he has raised since she was 5yrs old; refused to sign any divorce papers meaning I have to go down the expensive longer divorce route and appears to have no remorse or conscience. He has shed us like a snake shed its skin and has found himself a new group of friends including a young Vietnamese girlfriend

I think I was hoping that he would pull himself back from this relapse and get his sorry ass back into AA and feel some guilt for how he has treated all of us - so I hung on - not that I planned to take him back, but just to make some sense out of all we have put up with for so long.

Of course if I were better at making decisions I would not have been in that situation for so long. Hate to be unfair but not prepared to continue being abused either.

Help!!!:headbange:dee:headbange:dee

Hi Merhaba

Sorry you are going through this

Most definitely talk to a lawyer. There is no saying what he will/won't do - addicts are unpredictable

In terms of visa - I am not sure I am following - I always thought that the only entity that can cancel it is the entity that has given it out - I.e a governmental body of some sort. Sounds like he is not around to be told about the visa anyway.....unless I misread it?

You need to protect your finances/assets somehow. The fact that he lives/works does not affect you financially, unless he starts being difficult with the settlement.

Find a lawyer who is skilled in family law of a country where you got married and also familiar with local laws. In some instances - if spouse goes MIA divorce is still very much possible.

Thanks Nata

Re Visa: I could cancel his visa as it is only me who qualifies ...he is here om a spouse visa. If he is living with me he can stay but is not allowed to reside elsewhere - all addresses have to be lodged with the police - nor is he allowed to work. I am the only one with a work permit. I just had to say he was no longer my dependant - which is true - and the visa was cancelled.

I do have a lawyer in Turkey - where we married- and am waiting for her report/plan for settling the divorce and property. My worry is that he could pre-empt this if he finds out too soon that he has to leave Vietnam. I do not trust him at all. He is a very devious person - even for an alcoholic.

merhaba, if he'd behaved better towards you you might tell him, but he has chosen to cheat and steal. Not telling him may buy you some time to secure the house legally.

Rather than bother about fairness or his convenience, think strategically about the best outcome for you and act accordingly. You can do that because he's forfeited the right to your consideration. Let's hope he's drinking enough to stop him working things out.

Thanks Feeling Great your reply really helped me to put things into perspective in my mind.
Maybe I could have waited longer to cancel his visa...but it made me feel so used.

And you are right he does not deserve any consideration. He probably won't work things out because he is so sure of me that I will always take care of him regardless of how he is behaving.

Not any more !

Hope it's a hefty fine

I wouldn't tell him either--he stole from you and your child
and it sounds like he wouldn't hesitate to sell the house and steal that money too.

Why not let your lawyer send him a letter, simply stating that this is to inform you that your visa is no longer in effect and if you wish to remain in the country you should make other arrangements with immigration authorities? And that if he has any questions, he should contact your lawyer, not you.

All lawyer has to say, if he asks, is that you are obligated to be truthful with immigration concerning his status, and you simply told the truth. Nothing else needs to be said. For all he knows, they contacted you to find out.

I don't know the answer, but just sending lots of good thoughts and a big hug. I know this must have taken a lot of courage. You told the truth, and that's a good thing.

Merhaba - I think you did the right thing by cancelling the visa sooner rather than later.

You wrote: "If he is living with me he can stay but is not allowed to reside elsewhere - all addresses have to be lodged with the police..." Therefore, from a practical perspective, you would be knowingly associated with a violation of the visa terms if you did *not* report the status change, no? Maybe you would also be accruing fines and your own visa may be in jeopardy if his residence change came to light and you didn't inform the police.

I certainly would not take that chance if it were me, especially being in a foreign country!

I agree with Lexie: can you have your lawyer send him a letter..*after* you ensure that the sale of the home is blocked by the divorce case?

Sending you lots of good vibes.

I also really like the idea of having your lawyer send an "official" letter. It can even be phrased in such a way that "due to current circumstances, your visa has been cancelled..." Passive voice.

You did not physically cancel the visa. You complied with the law & reported the truth that he no longer lived in your residence. The government cancelled his visa.

This solution allows to to honor your feeling of concern that he receive the information (& ensures his speedy exit), while taking you out of the exchange (no contact!).

Ooh, yeah. Passive voice. As a writer, I avoid using it, but for situations like this, it's invaluable.

M,
So proud of what you have done. My concern is all the other "stuff" you have co-mingled. Obviously he has stolen from your bank account. What does he still have access too? I am sure he knows your social security number so be careful he has not opened up any credit cards in your name. Please make sure all your personal accounts are yours and not both of you. God only knows what he would do.

Put your daughters name for a secondary person. Cover all basis. If you say he is sneaky, he could steel more money from you. I have a feeling once he finds the well is dry, that he will be back. Make sure locks are changes, all windows are securely locked so he can't get it. If you have documents in the house that he could be looking for, take them out of the home, take to work, or a bank safe deposit. Be proactive not reactive. He has burned you to many times. No more. Run a credit check on your name and cancel anything you don't recognize, ASAP. Make sure that your ss number has been red flagged so no one issues anything under your number in the near future. Tell them that it has been hijacked by your separated "husband"

Keep moving forward, you are doing great!!

Great advice Lexie.

It is normal for alcoholics who are drinking to be very devious. There is no "even for an alcoholic" when it comes to lies, obfuscation, or gas lighting. Nobody, other than a psychopath and/or a grifter, is better at it. Nobody.