Now what - help!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Now what - help!
Brief background for those who don't know my story. I'm married to an achoholic and we have 2 kids (4,5). I just became desolate about a month ago and reached out to this forum, alanon, counseling.. I am recovering from being a codependent. Through the years I've fought, coerced, manipulated, gone crazy on, begged, cried, explained, you name it - in a futile attempt to get the drinking to stop. My AH smokes pot occasionally (or so I thought) and I told him this would not be tolerated even before we got married and almost didn't marry him because of it - explained that it was a "deal breaker" to me. Ofcourse, he said "no problem".
2 weeks ago, I found peace and understood my wants and realized this was not the life I want, when once again - I caught him smoking pot. I asked my AH to leave. He told me the next day he was going to try and quit drinking AND smoking pot for 30 days to see if it was a problem (because he doesn't think it is). He has not had a drink in 15ish days now. I was really proud of him and things have been so much better. However, then he quit his job and went into business with another guy (didn't ask me). So, then I realized the alcholic behavior was still the issue, and confronted him about that. We had a very meaningful heart to heart talk, and for the first time - he agreed he needed help. We talked and he was going to buy the AA book and get a counselor (this was Friday).
My problem now. I've suspected the last few days (and a couple of other times before, but dismissed it due to writing it off to my suspicious mind) that he has been high. I've completely detached the last couple of days, and he has noticed. Keeps asking me if I'm going to be distant today.. He doesn't know I know he has been high. So, now I'm not sure what to do. Clearly, he broke his committment to me. It has only been a few days since our heart to heart and he has not called a counselor, went to get the AA book and decided what he really needed was a "self help" book (but didn't buy one). So, you can all see where this is going.
I just don't know what to do. Do I tell him I know he's been high? Do I let it go? Do I ask him he's made contact with the counselor or what he's working on? Part of me hasn't brought it up yet because in the past when I've caught him or found it - I've literally just lost my mind and acted like a circus animal, and I don't want to give him a repeat performance. I'm just so confused and feel so betrayed. I know see how sick he really is. Or is pot not that big of a deal? It is to me - it's a real big deal to me.
Anyway, if anyone has some suggestions or thoughts, please share them...I am lost. Thanks everyone.
2 weeks ago, I found peace and understood my wants and realized this was not the life I want, when once again - I caught him smoking pot. I asked my AH to leave. He told me the next day he was going to try and quit drinking AND smoking pot for 30 days to see if it was a problem (because he doesn't think it is). He has not had a drink in 15ish days now. I was really proud of him and things have been so much better. However, then he quit his job and went into business with another guy (didn't ask me). So, then I realized the alcholic behavior was still the issue, and confronted him about that. We had a very meaningful heart to heart talk, and for the first time - he agreed he needed help. We talked and he was going to buy the AA book and get a counselor (this was Friday).
My problem now. I've suspected the last few days (and a couple of other times before, but dismissed it due to writing it off to my suspicious mind) that he has been high. I've completely detached the last couple of days, and he has noticed. Keeps asking me if I'm going to be distant today.. He doesn't know I know he has been high. So, now I'm not sure what to do. Clearly, he broke his committment to me. It has only been a few days since our heart to heart and he has not called a counselor, went to get the AA book and decided what he really needed was a "self help" book (but didn't buy one). So, you can all see where this is going.
I just don't know what to do. Do I tell him I know he's been high? Do I let it go? Do I ask him he's made contact with the counselor or what he's working on? Part of me hasn't brought it up yet because in the past when I've caught him or found it - I've literally just lost my mind and acted like a circus animal, and I don't want to give him a repeat performance. I'm just so confused and feel so betrayed. I know see how sick he really is. Or is pot not that big of a deal? It is to me - it's a real big deal to me.
Anyway, if anyone has some suggestions or thoughts, please share them...I am lost. Thanks everyone.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
(((Peaches)))
One thing I learned that really helped me - I talked about an issue with my H once. There is no reason to say the same thing over and over and over again. It just kept me sucked in - thinking that I could say or do something that would make him understand and do the right thing. He understands. He knows how you feel. You don't have to say it again.
If you want to tell him that you think he was high, go ahead. You probably know where that will lead - he will say he wasn't or that it was only that once or that now he's stopped for good. That isn't really going to accomplish anything is it?
For me, I had to get to a place where I could be happy whether he was drinking or not. It became entirely his issue as to whether he was going to get drunk. It became entirely his issue as to whether he was hiding it from me or not. It didn't affect my life.
Good for you for working on yourself. You'll get there.
L
One thing I learned that really helped me - I talked about an issue with my H once. There is no reason to say the same thing over and over and over again. It just kept me sucked in - thinking that I could say or do something that would make him understand and do the right thing. He understands. He knows how you feel. You don't have to say it again.
If you want to tell him that you think he was high, go ahead. You probably know where that will lead - he will say he wasn't or that it was only that once or that now he's stopped for good. That isn't really going to accomplish anything is it?
For me, I had to get to a place where I could be happy whether he was drinking or not. It became entirely his issue as to whether he was going to get drunk. It became entirely his issue as to whether he was hiding it from me or not. It didn't affect my life.
Good for you for working on yourself. You'll get there.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Thanks Lorelai, and I know you are right. I think I let myself get hopeful, and now am feeling so much disappointment and betrayal. I just keep thinking of that post from Jon and the line where it said "I will disappoint you again and again and again. Stop being surprised". I haven't mentioned anything to him about being high yet. I'm thinking about what you said and I know in my head that it doesn't matter. But, on the flip side, I am thinking about the boundaries I set, and the reality is that he crossed it - so, I guess I feel like I'm not being true to myself if I don't follow through. I'm so tired now and so confused - I just want to give up, but wont let myself do that. I don't have the energy to confront him now anyway, and the reason I don't have the energy is that I'm mentally drained from just beating myself up for this. I should have stuck to my original plan and just had him leave. He plays me like a fiddle and I don't even see it until it's too late. He gives me just the right amount of feedback to give me hope, then he slowly manipulates me back to just where I was before. I just feel like a yo-yo. I called our counselor and hopefully she will call back and give me her opinion. We are supposed to go back together, and my husband's responsibility (given to him by her) was to call and make the appointment. That was a month ago, and he never did it. So, I think I'll ask her if I should just go by myself. Anyway, I'm sorry to sound so low - I just want this to stop and am mad at myself because I know I'm the only one who can stop it - and now I feel like I'm back to square one and confused and angry again. Did you or do you ever feel like you just don't have the strength to not be codependent and maybe it would just be better to not be around people who help you slip back into those old behaviors. I am thinking about just saying that I give up - the problem is with me - I'm weak and I can't play this game anymore - I'm not good at it and I know that, so just go. But, then I have 2 children, and don't want to give up, for them. Gosh, I don't mean to be so negative...I'll snap out of it somehow. Thanks again..
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Star's Hollow
Posts: 615
Peaches -
You have every right to be hopeful. You just have to place your hope in yourself rather than someone else. You can be happy - no matter what he chooses to do.
You say that he crossed your boundary. The thing about boundaries is this: They have to have a consequence. Otherwise, they're not boundaries. You can't rely on him to respect a boundary just because you've set it.
An example would be, if you don't call and make a counselor appointment by Monday, I'll make one for myself and go without you. You don't have to remind him or nag him about it. If he doesn't do it, you follow through on what you've already decided you want to do.
My H was surprised when I actually started doing what I said I was going to do.
If you're not ready to set a consequence for his using, don't go there yet. Baby steps.
Hugs - L
You have every right to be hopeful. You just have to place your hope in yourself rather than someone else. You can be happy - no matter what he chooses to do.
You say that he crossed your boundary. The thing about boundaries is this: They have to have a consequence. Otherwise, they're not boundaries. You can't rely on him to respect a boundary just because you've set it.
An example would be, if you don't call and make a counselor appointment by Monday, I'll make one for myself and go without you. You don't have to remind him or nag him about it. If he doesn't do it, you follow through on what you've already decided you want to do.
My H was surprised when I actually started doing what I said I was going to do.
If you're not ready to set a consequence for his using, don't go there yet. Baby steps.
Hugs - L
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Peaches -
This seems an appropriate thought for your current situation. Feel what you are feeling and feel all. When I try not to feel sad/angry/frustrated the feeling stays so much longer than when I let it be around and acknowledge it. I don't have to welcome it to stay, just acknowledge that it is there.
I wish you some peace today -
Petunia
************************************************** ************
Why go to meetings?
The first time we hear that Al-Anon is not about getting people clean and sober, we question the point of going. But what we soon learn is that the program is for us, not for the addict or alcoholic. We learn that we deserve peace.
We'll think with greater clarity because Step One will help us give up our obsession with the alcoholic. From Steps Two and Three we'll develop a trust in a Higher Power and thus give up our fear. We'll finally give up a burden we've carried far too long when we come to believe it's not our job to get anyone sober. Our job is to find happiness and offer love to others. Nothing can better us more than this.
Time spent at meetings is never wasted. My happiness will be strengthened each time I use some part of the program.
From the book A Life of My Own by Karen Casey
This seems an appropriate thought for your current situation. Feel what you are feeling and feel all. When I try not to feel sad/angry/frustrated the feeling stays so much longer than when I let it be around and acknowledge it. I don't have to welcome it to stay, just acknowledge that it is there.
I wish you some peace today -
Petunia
************************************************** ************
Why go to meetings?
The first time we hear that Al-Anon is not about getting people clean and sober, we question the point of going. But what we soon learn is that the program is for us, not for the addict or alcoholic. We learn that we deserve peace.
We'll think with greater clarity because Step One will help us give up our obsession with the alcoholic. From Steps Two and Three we'll develop a trust in a Higher Power and thus give up our fear. We'll finally give up a burden we've carried far too long when we come to believe it's not our job to get anyone sober. Our job is to find happiness and offer love to others. Nothing can better us more than this.
Time spent at meetings is never wasted. My happiness will be strengthened each time I use some part of the program.
From the book A Life of My Own by Karen Casey
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
HI Petunia and Lorelai...thanks again for your input. My counselor called and guess what she said to do? Go to an Alanon meeting! and try to find a sponsor. I am going to call and make an appointment and tell AH that I did and if he wants to go that is fine, but if not, I'll go by myself. He'll go, but to what avail, I'm not sure. I'm writing him a letter and telling him I am 'letting go'. I don't know if I'll give it to him or not, but it is helping me to put it on paper. My counselor told me that alcoholism (addiction) is a horrible disease because it can abolutely make you feel crazy. I was at peace and ready to have him leave 2 weeks ago, but because I let my hope rest in him, now I am in turmoil again. Lets hope I learned that lesson. And I learned a lesson about boundaries too - mine have been too open to interpretation. We developed a 'plan' together, but I was not very specific. Now, I know. I'm feeling better and a little less confused. I'm going to take care of myself now. I'm going to let go - really let go. No more advise giving or trying to 'help' him by talking things out with him. I'm not strong enough to know where the line blurs between helping and controlling (or trying to) - so, I'm not even going to go there. My counselor did say that it was not being codependent to tell him I know about being high..she said that he made a committment and broke it, and that it's okay to let him know, I know - and hold him accountable. I don't know if I'll do that or not...I wont today because I'm not up for it. Maybe tomorrow... like Scarlett O'Hara said... I'll worry about this tomorrow. Tomorrow is another day. Thanks again girls...I am so grateful for your support and words of wisdom.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
peaches - oh boy i know exactly how you feel - somedays i feel so exhausted i have those same thoughts - let me be codependent - the heck with it. but you are human and we all get discouraged sometimes. and because i am an "instant gratification" junkie, it makes it all the more difficult to know that recovery does not come quickly. lorelai made some good examples about the boundary dilemma.
i wish you peace and clarity and lots of support. you are doing well despite your feelings of confusion. your children will be better off for even the changes and recovery you have made so far.
hugs - cwohio
i wish you peace and clarity and lots of support. you are doing well despite your feelings of confusion. your children will be better off for even the changes and recovery you have made so far.
hugs - cwohio
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That is one of my biggest fears that I have right now.......my AH has been sober now for six months.......I have set a boundary for myself, that if he does start to drink again.........I cannot live like that anymore.......he has a choice to drink and I tell him that is his choice......but I also have choices.......and my choice is to not live in utter chaos anymore.....and live with an alcoholic.....
When I set this boundary a long time ago.......I was setting this boundary for him.........another way of me trying to control this situation.........he was bad, he had an affair, I found out and on his hands and knees begged me not to leave him and told me he would do anything he could to save our marriage......he offered to quit drinking........he blamed drinking for alot of his behavior.........and if he hadnt of been sober this last six months, I would never have known, that drinking was not our problem......drinking did make things worse, yes.....
I thought if he quit drinking that things would get so much better........and that was most of our problem......boy was I wrong......
Sober or not sober he knew what he did was wrong........he met this person on his lunch break at work.......he was always sober at work......I have come to realize that his problems are alot deeper then alcohol.
My problems are alot deeper than alcohol........the only way that he is going to get better is to search himself and focus on him and start his own recovery.......the only way I am going to get better is to focus on myself and work on my recovery.
I am ready, willing and able to work on myself.......because I am admitting and faces things that I have done......and i am seeing things that I need to change......I am seeing things a little more clearly........
I probably shouldnt say this, but here goes.......My H has made many comments to me regarding alcohol........he says see things didnt get better when I quit drinking.......so why cant I drink......If he doesnt work on his recovery he is not going to get better.......he has quit his addiction.......but I believe that if he doesnt work on the scars he has.......inside himself......it is just a matter of time........when he starts to drink again......and I have to be ready for this...........and I think the only way I am going to be ready is if I keep working on me and my recovery.......
I have let go of a whole lot of stuff that I dont own.......
I have let go of stuff that I did own that I didnt think that I did.......I am trying to take back some stuff.
When I set this boundary a long time ago.......I was setting this boundary for him.........another way of me trying to control this situation.........he was bad, he had an affair, I found out and on his hands and knees begged me not to leave him and told me he would do anything he could to save our marriage......he offered to quit drinking........he blamed drinking for alot of his behavior.........and if he hadnt of been sober this last six months, I would never have known, that drinking was not our problem......drinking did make things worse, yes.....
I thought if he quit drinking that things would get so much better........and that was most of our problem......boy was I wrong......
Sober or not sober he knew what he did was wrong........he met this person on his lunch break at work.......he was always sober at work......I have come to realize that his problems are alot deeper then alcohol.
My problems are alot deeper than alcohol........the only way that he is going to get better is to search himself and focus on him and start his own recovery.......the only way I am going to get better is to focus on myself and work on my recovery.
I am ready, willing and able to work on myself.......because I am admitting and faces things that I have done......and i am seeing things that I need to change......I am seeing things a little more clearly........
I probably shouldnt say this, but here goes.......My H has made many comments to me regarding alcohol........he says see things didnt get better when I quit drinking.......so why cant I drink......If he doesnt work on his recovery he is not going to get better.......he has quit his addiction.......but I believe that if he doesnt work on the scars he has.......inside himself......it is just a matter of time........when he starts to drink again......and I have to be ready for this...........and I think the only way I am going to be ready is if I keep working on me and my recovery.......
I have let go of a whole lot of stuff that I dont own.......
I have let go of stuff that I did own that I didnt think that I did.......I am trying to take back some stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by Peaches04
... I'm feeling better and a little less confused. I'm going to take care of myself now. I'm going to let go - really let go. ...I don't know if I'll do that or not...I wont today because I'm not up for it. Maybe tomorrow...
Mike :-)
I'm moving on
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 17
Peaches04,
Your story sounds so similar to mine. I've caught my AH smoking pot a few times as well and it just makes me insane. I too have acted like a complete lunatic, begging, pleading, crying, screaming, shouting, hoping that one way or another I would get through to him. Of course it doesn't work. I am also tired of acted crazy and I have come to a point where I really don't feel angry any more. I think our hearts just get tired of being disappointed and eventually we get past the anger and we just accept that we can't make them get help if they don't want it.
I'm not very good at giving advice, but I know that these message boards have really helped me put things into perspective and I think you are doing the right thing by reaching out to others here. We are all here to support you and give you courage to see your way through. As you know from my previous posts, I have left my husband, and am going to my first alanon meeting tonight. Things are still hard, but I'm taking it one day at a time. Be strong and be true to yourself.
Your story sounds so similar to mine. I've caught my AH smoking pot a few times as well and it just makes me insane. I too have acted like a complete lunatic, begging, pleading, crying, screaming, shouting, hoping that one way or another I would get through to him. Of course it doesn't work. I am also tired of acted crazy and I have come to a point where I really don't feel angry any more. I think our hearts just get tired of being disappointed and eventually we get past the anger and we just accept that we can't make them get help if they don't want it.
I'm not very good at giving advice, but I know that these message boards have really helped me put things into perspective and I think you are doing the right thing by reaching out to others here. We are all here to support you and give you courage to see your way through. As you know from my previous posts, I have left my husband, and am going to my first alanon meeting tonight. Things are still hard, but I'm taking it one day at a time. Be strong and be true to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Northern VA
Posts: 82
Peaches - I was thinking about you this morning when I logged in. I am sorry to hear that your AH has relapsed. I know the discouragement and disappointment you feel. The great thing about one day at a time is that you don't have to decide tomorrow today. If you want to talk to your AH today, then do so. If not, you can decide tomorrow if you want to talk to him tomorrow. You know he crossed your boundary. You have the strength to enforce the consequences - even if you don't think you do. I constantly tell myself, "I am stronger than I think I am" and so are you. By the shear fact that you have stuck around this long is a testament that you are stronger than you think you are. No need to revert back to your old codie ways. It may not be easy, but you can take baby steps. Don't disappoint yourself. If nothing changes, then NOTHING changes....you've come too far in your own recovery to stay status quo. When I made my AH move out - which was by far one of the hardest decisions I have EVER made - I kept telling myself that I cannot go down into the depths of my AH's alcoholism and bring him back. IF I could, I would...but I knew that if went down there, then both my AH and I would be lost forever. I let go and let God and trusted that he would hit rock bottom on his own. He did. Today he is 16 days sober - he has turned his life around and I am in total awe of the transformation that God has done! I had nothing to do with his recovery - though I definitely had something to do with bringing about his rock bottom moment...without me there to pick up after him or protect him from his own consequences, he hit his rock bottom. Peaches, take heart. Remember you are stronger than you think, you deserve more than what you have and you will know the right decision to make. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: in the desert
Posts: 18
Peaches,
There have been some great replies to your post and I can't add much. Sorry you are feeling disappointed. No matter what he says or promises, it is his choice whether to follow through on it or not. I've heard so many promises to quit, get help, etc., I finally just started thinking "whatever." When/if he really decides he wants to quit, and deal with the issues that caused him to use in the first place, it will be up to him, not me (dang it). There have been many times in the last three months I have suspected AH was using something (since he supposedly quit drinking/using coke). I was right some of the time (prescription meds) and wrong some of the time. I usually do let him know I think he is on something. I'm not sure if this is the right or wrong choice. This whole detachment thing can be really confusing. I often make mistakes (oh boy do I), but I am also learning from them. I can only work the program and work for progress one day at a time (sometimes one minute). Take care of you and your little ones. Peace.
justired
There have been some great replies to your post and I can't add much. Sorry you are feeling disappointed. No matter what he says or promises, it is his choice whether to follow through on it or not. I've heard so many promises to quit, get help, etc., I finally just started thinking "whatever." When/if he really decides he wants to quit, and deal with the issues that caused him to use in the first place, it will be up to him, not me (dang it). There have been many times in the last three months I have suspected AH was using something (since he supposedly quit drinking/using coke). I was right some of the time (prescription meds) and wrong some of the time. I usually do let him know I think he is on something. I'm not sure if this is the right or wrong choice. This whole detachment thing can be really confusing. I often make mistakes (oh boy do I), but I am also learning from them. I can only work the program and work for progress one day at a time (sometimes one minute). Take care of you and your little ones. Peace.
justired
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Carrollton TX
Posts: 466
Hi again. You all have such good ways of looking at things. First, let me say, I'm out of my funk - thank God. I have decided to let go. I can see now that I was still trying to fix him or make him see the light by talking and giving advice, and although I had thought I let go - I hadn't. Now, I think I know what that means. I think I've been afraid to really let go, because I'm afraid I will fall out of love with him. Doesn't that sound silly? But, I think it's true...I'm so close to not loving him anymore, that if I let go - really let go and focus on me - I probably wont love him anymore. Which ofcourse, sounds like a good thing when your talking about an alcoholic that doesn't want help. It's just that he is also the father of my two kids and I want an intact family desperately. But, I can see now that I have to let that want go too - and I think that's been my real struggle. So, here I am today saying that I'm letting go...and you can all hold me to my word and keep me in check.
Veronica - I just want to say that I have been keeping an eye on your posts too. I'm really, really happy for you and your AH. I wish I would have been much stronger and known what I know now, earlier. In some ways I do blame myself for allowing this to happen. Had I taken a stand much earlier, I'm quite sure he might have gotten help. But, here I am - no looking back...just looking forward to a life with me and my kids, and who knows - maybe he'll come around and maybe I'll still love him. Then again, maybe not...but, either way - I'll survive and flourish. You, however, sound like you know what you're doing and are sticking to your guns... I'm proud of you!
Veronica - I just want to say that I have been keeping an eye on your posts too. I'm really, really happy for you and your AH. I wish I would have been much stronger and known what I know now, earlier. In some ways I do blame myself for allowing this to happen. Had I taken a stand much earlier, I'm quite sure he might have gotten help. But, here I am - no looking back...just looking forward to a life with me and my kids, and who knows - maybe he'll come around and maybe I'll still love him. Then again, maybe not...but, either way - I'll survive and flourish. You, however, sound like you know what you're doing and are sticking to your guns... I'm proud of you!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: ROCKPORT , MAINE
Posts: 36
oh peaches!!!!!!!
My neck hurts from nodding "yes" in relating to your post & all the reply posts.....
I am sure not alone in all this & neither are you...peaches
Everyone has such insight into all of this .....with the price of that insight being that they have all been there (me included)
All I can add to this are my eloquent feelings at the momement regarding dealing with an AH :
SH** ...CA CA ...DOODY ... DARN ..DANG ....SON of a B**** ...M***** F*****R
Hang in there Peaches.......
I am sure not alone in all this & neither are you...peaches
Everyone has such insight into all of this .....with the price of that insight being that they have all been there (me included)
All I can add to this are my eloquent feelings at the momement regarding dealing with an AH :
SH** ...CA CA ...DOODY ... DARN ..DANG ....SON of a B**** ...M***** F*****R
Hang in there Peaches.......
Radar
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 199
By the shear fact that you have stuck around this long is a testament that you are stronger than you think you are.
I hope I can be here for you as much as you've been here for me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA
Posts: 105
I forced mine also to his rock bottom when I told him I wanted a divorce.Out of the blue as far as he was concerned. This after several years of detaching and mourning the loss of a person I once loved very much. I ignored his drinking and his not being a husband or a father. Carried on as if he didnt exixt. He quit drinking that day. I still went thru with the divorce. I wanted nothing to do with him or for him in his recovery. They push and push and see what it gets them. Not a darn thing.
You have to do whatever it takes so that you can be happy and healthy. I did and I do not regret it for one moment. And let me also add that the kids are happier too. That means a lot.
You have to do whatever it takes so that you can be happy and healthy. I did and I do not regret it for one moment. And let me also add that the kids are happier too. That means a lot.
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Titusville, FL
Posts: 82
Thank you everyone for all those posts. I am feeling like quite a few of them tonight, and it helps to hear that yes, it's time to pull myself together......again......for good this time.
Hang in there Peaches.
Hang in there Peaches.
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