Our own recovery
 

I came to stop the insanity of my life. The focus had been on his drinking and his actions. I did what I did to help him and I thought helped us. To kiss him to know whether he was drinking or not. To be the designated driver so I didn't have to worry about drunk driving. All the actions gave him the ability to not change. To allow instead of to draw lines with unacceptable behaviors.
My inventory was not the focus. In the process my life and the life of my children deteriorated. To keep the focus on us I save three lives. I can not save the fourth life. Those life saving measures belongs to that person.

I heard of taking my inventory but never thought of the goals of recovery. I may not even be aware of all my goals. I was just living to get through the day. Reaction was my tool now it is action.

Well said HH.

Very, very well said.

All the actions gave him the ability to not change. // In the process my life and the life of my children deteriorated.

Yes.

Sounds like you've turned a major corner, here.

Working with a sponsor in Al-Anon can help you identify those goals so you can start working toward them.

I have an appointment with a new lawyer. The children continue with counseling. I am being productive in my daily life but greiving alone for my mother and my marriage. My good friends are their for me.
I am thankful for them and SR.

Yes, hearthealth...so many of us have lost a parent or significant caretaker.....so, we do understand what it is like. I found that, after the loss of a parent, that one does a lot of thinking of the "big picture" of their life. sort of "reviewing" it all...until, finally coming to a new acceptance.....
You are, actually, grieving two major "losses" at the same time..
You are doing well, I think, with so m uch on your p late....

This will make you even stronger than you already are. :grouphug:

I know none of this has been easy, but you are making incredible strides in your own recovery HH. This is a very empowering post, hang in there!!!! :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

I can so relate to your post. After I extracted myself from disastrous relationship the question remained: "what's my part in this". After a lot of step work the answer was plenty. I picked him, I stayed and engaged in hurtful drama. My goal became to never repeat the experience and, unless I changed, I would have. Big hug!

hearthealth.....how are you doing? How are things......

I'm busy settling the estate, greiving and taking care of the children. Last night was the first night I got a good night sleep in over a week.

So glad to hear you got a good nights sleep HH. I hope each day brings you an incremental bit of healing.

My mom has Alzheimers and was in the hospital this week. I know I will be in your situation grieving for her sooner rather than later. Irk. Big hug to you.

Once in awhile I tell myself "oh he's not that bad".....and then we interact and realize this isn't a relationship.

I have to wait until the next available appointment with the new lawyer. That lingering I have to put up with his behavior without getting too annoyed.

Keep taking care of yourself HH. With the loss of your mother and calling quits to this relationshp, this is a lot to have going on . . . through no choice of your now.

I realize that I am greiving my caretaking role along with the relationship. My triggers are those that remind me of my tasks in life. In the end there was love and respect. The relationship had dwindled.

That lingering end was/is hard. The start of greiving before the end. I was able to say goodbye but was not able to control or stop the process. It was in HP's hands. My role was in the peripheral. The transition times in life are so difficult. In the end, as hard as it is, the loss was okay. (I lack a better way to describe the end.)

We will be okay and create a new normal. I will have more time to focus on the children, family, friends and myself. I will focus on my hobbies and interests. I will remember with love and yet move forward to a new phase in our lives.

hearthealth....I am glad that you were able to come to a place of some acceptance and peace......
If not for your caretaking presence, it might not have been this possible.

Thanks Dandylion. I've jumped to this post. I've been biding my time until the next available lawyers appointment. Packing up boxes and moving them out. The children are still going to counseling. DS still fighting the counseling idea. Some of my family and all my friends are supportive of my leaving plans.
Husband wants a major remoldel done. I told him no. I need to serve before project gets too involved.

hearthealth....I found myself laughing at "wants a major remodel done".....
I am not sure why....except, maybe, it is at the utter lack of awareness, on his part, that just leaves one breathless.....
We had one poster, here, who was with a very abusive partner that built her a piece of furniture, every time he was afraid she would leave.....
She had a nice collection of furniture...but, she was still as miserable...and, he hadn't learned a thing!

Uncertain Horizon
 

I continue to realize this is not a relationship I want. I took an online test of unhealthy relationships. Scoring for the questions I was certain about. It was extremely unhealthy.
The children continue on counseling. I think it's good it was started before the future divorce.
I'm still biding my time until that first available lawyer appointment. I can't even envision my future.

hearthealth.....you might want to check out this website
www.womansdivorce.com

It is arranged by state...and, it covers about every area of divorce that you can think of. It is educational in nature...so, it won't replace your actual lawyer....
But...it can help you with what questions that you might ask your lawyer....
It has lots of helpful links, too.....
The more prepared, the more confident you will feel...
Knowledge is power....