Here we go again
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 34
Here we go again
It has been about 2 months since I have posted here. At that time I thought my AH and I were done, he chose to keep smoking pot and not seek counseling, which was a clear "no go" for me. When I didn't relent and told him to leave, after a few days and many fights he said he wanted to do better. He quit smoking, still has not had a drink, and agreed to counseling. Things were getting better, although he did not follow through on counseling, we were doing better. We were talking, being a couple again. Then last night, he tells me he does not feel normal. He has been smoking all along and it is increasing, no alcohol but states he wants to be normal and have a beer. He admits to a problem with alcohol, says he does not want to go back but has been thinking that maybe after 6 months or a year he could try to drink socially. He also admits he is afraid he will not be able to do that without falling back into old habits. There was crying(him) and statements of love and he can't lose me, he feels like his life could just disappear in an instant because I do not support his drinking or drug use. He said I don't need to decide anything right now, essentially asking me for permission to drink or smoke. I told him I do not support this, but it is not my decision to make. I suggested counseling or a program, again recognizing it is not my decision. He is not sure what he wants to do, he chose not to drink yesterday or today. I do not know what to do with this. I feel like I am back at square one. I am back in limbo, and this all happening after things were going well is sending me into a tailspin. I feel hurt, angry, betrayed, sad, lonely, and scared. It took everything I had to stick to my decision the 1st time. I love my husband, but I don't know that I have it in me to battle this again, nor do I know if I have it in me to walk away. I just don't know. I am sure this is a common story, I know he can never be a social drinker without it being a problem and I know the pot is triggering as well as self medicating. Nothing about this is giving me hope, I only see badness on the way. I am back to crying alone at night and struggling, I am at a loss
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, jj--I remember you and I'm glad you thought to come back here when things went downhill again.
There is a saying around here: Nothing changes if nothing changes. And as your post indicates, here you are 2 months later and nothing has really changed, except you're more tired and sad. Your A does not sound in any way ready to seek recovery, and I'm glad to hear that you understand, even if he does not, that he can never be a social drinker, nor is it going to work for him to smoke rather than drink. He seems to have a lot of nice words for you but nothing in the way of actions, and actions are the only thing that counts.
There are a couple of threads posted here by folks who are struggling very hard right now--I'd suggest you find them and read them, as it might give you some strength and perspective. Again, continue reading around the forum as much as you can. Alanon is a great resource for face-to-face support--have you looked into this?
What it's all going to boil down to, I think you already know. He's NOT ready to get better, and if you're not willing to live in that situation as it steadily declines, YOU are going to need to be the one who makes the changes. It might seem like too much, too hard, too overwhelming, but the longer things go on, it will be just that much more overwhelming.
It's like sliding down a slippery hill. When you're 400 feet from the top, it's a long, hard way to struggle back up. When you're 1000 feet from the top, it's even tougher. When you're 2-1/2 miles from the top, how hard is it now? We all get ready to act in our own time, but we also need to make sure that we really are preparing for action and not just postponing b/c the future is scary and unknown.
Read around. Gather strength from those who've done this before you. Post in other threads. Offer support and find that somehow offering strength to others lets you find more strength in yourself. You're not the first or the only, and you can do this.
For you, from Carrie Newcomer, "You Can Do This Hard Thing":
There is a saying around here: Nothing changes if nothing changes. And as your post indicates, here you are 2 months later and nothing has really changed, except you're more tired and sad. Your A does not sound in any way ready to seek recovery, and I'm glad to hear that you understand, even if he does not, that he can never be a social drinker, nor is it going to work for him to smoke rather than drink. He seems to have a lot of nice words for you but nothing in the way of actions, and actions are the only thing that counts.
There are a couple of threads posted here by folks who are struggling very hard right now--I'd suggest you find them and read them, as it might give you some strength and perspective. Again, continue reading around the forum as much as you can. Alanon is a great resource for face-to-face support--have you looked into this?
What it's all going to boil down to, I think you already know. He's NOT ready to get better, and if you're not willing to live in that situation as it steadily declines, YOU are going to need to be the one who makes the changes. It might seem like too much, too hard, too overwhelming, but the longer things go on, it will be just that much more overwhelming.
It's like sliding down a slippery hill. When you're 400 feet from the top, it's a long, hard way to struggle back up. When you're 1000 feet from the top, it's even tougher. When you're 2-1/2 miles from the top, how hard is it now? We all get ready to act in our own time, but we also need to make sure that we really are preparing for action and not just postponing b/c the future is scary and unknown.
Read around. Gather strength from those who've done this before you. Post in other threads. Offer support and find that somehow offering strength to others lets you find more strength in yourself. You're not the first or the only, and you can do this.
For you, from Carrie Newcomer, "You Can Do This Hard Thing":
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jjnorris....it is the greatest wish of every alcoholic to be able to drink like non-alcoholics...because, to an alcoholic, it is impossible to picture life without alcohol to cope with their feelings. It is like water for a fish...it feels necessary. There comes a point where alcoholics don't even drink, any more to feel high...they have to drink to just feel "normal". Many, who do enter genuine recovery, will fight their disease for years and years before finally admitting that they are powerless over alcohol....and willing to enter a diligent program...
If he is dead set against AA and therapy.....then, he obviously isn't ready to face it....
You need to take care of yourself, as honeypig said....
Have you read "Co-dependent No More"....if not, I think it would be a good thing for you to do....along with alanon meetings and a personal counselor for yourself. This is too hard of a road to go without support from those who understand and have walked in your shoes.....
If he is dead set against AA and therapy.....then, he obviously isn't ready to face it....
You need to take care of yourself, as honeypig said....
Have you read "Co-dependent No More"....if not, I think it would be a good thing for you to do....along with alanon meetings and a personal counselor for yourself. This is too hard of a road to go without support from those who understand and have walked in your shoes.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Jj,
Glad you reached out for support.
From above " At that time I thought my AH and I were done, he chose to keep smoking pot and not seek counseling, which was a clear "no go" for me. When I didn't relent and told him to leave, after a few days and many fights he said he wanted to do better. He quit smoking, still has not had a drink, and agreed to counseling."
So what has changed in your 2 months? You told him it's a "no go", you will no longer live with an addict, supposedly he quit, and life was good again. But he didnt. He worked you, lied to you, honeymoon period.... wash rinse repeat. What addicts do best.
What part of this do you find appealing, living with addict that told you he isn't going to quit. Just like everyone said above, he is telling you what his plan is. You have 2 options, accepting his "offer" , or following through with what you told him 2 months ago. You should never threaten something that you have no intention on following through with. They don't believe you then.
I would hit a counselor or some alanon meetings, to really figure out what you want in life. His addiction will eat you up, if you allow it.
Hugs my friend, there is always help for you, if you are willing to do the work.
Glad you reached out for support.
From above " At that time I thought my AH and I were done, he chose to keep smoking pot and not seek counseling, which was a clear "no go" for me. When I didn't relent and told him to leave, after a few days and many fights he said he wanted to do better. He quit smoking, still has not had a drink, and agreed to counseling."
So what has changed in your 2 months? You told him it's a "no go", you will no longer live with an addict, supposedly he quit, and life was good again. But he didnt. He worked you, lied to you, honeymoon period.... wash rinse repeat. What addicts do best.
What part of this do you find appealing, living with addict that told you he isn't going to quit. Just like everyone said above, he is telling you what his plan is. You have 2 options, accepting his "offer" , or following through with what you told him 2 months ago. You should never threaten something that you have no intention on following through with. They don't believe you then.
I would hit a counselor or some alanon meetings, to really figure out what you want in life. His addiction will eat you up, if you allow it.
Hugs my friend, there is always help for you, if you are willing to do the work.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
There was crying(him) and statements of love and he can't lose me, he feels like his life could just disappear in an instant because I do not support his drinking or drug use. He said I don't need to decide anything right now, essentially asking me for permission to drink or smoke. I told him I do not support this, but it is not my decision to make. I suggested counseling or a program, again recognizing it is not my decision. He is not sure what he wants to do,
sadly, his declaration of "love" wasn't for YOU, but for the booze and the pot. he's willing to lose everything else because he refuses to quit. even when things seemed to be "better" (for you) he was still smoking pot.
nothing changed. there is nothing for you to FIGHT.....only to accept. he's a package deal - you get him and the pot and the booze.
sadly, his declaration of "love" wasn't for YOU, but for the booze and the pot. he's willing to lose everything else because he refuses to quit. even when things seemed to be "better" (for you) he was still smoking pot.
nothing changed. there is nothing for you to FIGHT.....only to accept. he's a package deal - you get him and the pot and the booze.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 34
Thank yoi
I want to thank you all for you thoughts and support. For those who don't know me and my story my AH and I have been together 20 yrs we have a home a life a beautiful young (6yr) daughter. He has always had trouble with alcohol and drugs, both parents are alcoholics as are his siblings. Last summer I finally had enough and have been dealing with the fallout of that decision since.
I do see a counselor and have been attending alanon, also finally let my family in on the secret. Unfortunately he hit me with this Friday night and I work all weekend through until Wednesday and have no opportunity to get to a meeting, which I know I need right now.
You are all telling me what I know, this is bad, things have not changed, and are only likely to get worse. I guess I got seduced into believing he was really trying, I had the man I knew he was back, if only briefly. I let my gaurd down, allowed myself to let go of my fears for a bit, only to be slammed right back into them. I feel like I am having to build my resolve and protections back up from the ground, and I am kicking myself for letting them go, for believing in him and in us. I know this is a disease, and I am a Healthcare provider, so it is in my nature to care for those who are ill, but I can't fix this, I can't treat this. Although I know all of this, all it feels like is once again I am not important enough, we are not important enough. I know in my head that is not it, but my heart continues to break for me for him and for my daughter.
I do see a counselor and have been attending alanon, also finally let my family in on the secret. Unfortunately he hit me with this Friday night and I work all weekend through until Wednesday and have no opportunity to get to a meeting, which I know I need right now.
You are all telling me what I know, this is bad, things have not changed, and are only likely to get worse. I guess I got seduced into believing he was really trying, I had the man I knew he was back, if only briefly. I let my gaurd down, allowed myself to let go of my fears for a bit, only to be slammed right back into them. I feel like I am having to build my resolve and protections back up from the ground, and I am kicking myself for letting them go, for believing in him and in us. I know this is a disease, and I am a Healthcare provider, so it is in my nature to care for those who are ill, but I can't fix this, I can't treat this. Although I know all of this, all it feels like is once again I am not important enough, we are not important enough. I know in my head that is not it, but my heart continues to break for me for him and for my daughter.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
jj, here is a link to find phone and online meetings since you can't get to a regular meeting for a while: http://al-anon.org/electronic-meetings
And you know we are here at SR 24/7--there is a chat room here, altho I've never used it.
You can do this hard thing.
And you know we are here at SR 24/7--there is a chat room here, altho I've never used it.
You can do this hard thing.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
He made it pretty clear that his priority is drugs and alcohol. For me a relationship is over when I can't trust or respect someone. I had repeated pledges to change destructive behavior and, with hindsight, wish I hadn't kept cutting him slack. It was really about my fear of being alone and confronted with a lot of stuff that emerged with the help of Alanon and a therapist. A big hug, I know this is a very painful experience.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
JJ,
You and your daughter will be ok. I promise you. It will take time and it does hurt, but that hurt will last say 6 months, or say a year. The pain is less then living with an addict year after year after year. I know you say you have been together for 20 years. I was with my addict 34 and married 26. If I knew what you knew at year 20, I could have saved me and my kids a "lot" of pain; thinking he would change.
Reach out to an attorney and educate yourself on what you need to do, you are not signing on the dotted line. You have to remember that it takes months and months to divorce. In case he chooses to "really" get sober and work a program you can always stop the divorce or remarry. This is not a death sentence. All this is saying, is you and your daughter will no longer be living with an addict. The ball is in his court.
Sending big bear hugs to you!!
You and your daughter will be ok. I promise you. It will take time and it does hurt, but that hurt will last say 6 months, or say a year. The pain is less then living with an addict year after year after year. I know you say you have been together for 20 years. I was with my addict 34 and married 26. If I knew what you knew at year 20, I could have saved me and my kids a "lot" of pain; thinking he would change.
Reach out to an attorney and educate yourself on what you need to do, you are not signing on the dotted line. You have to remember that it takes months and months to divorce. In case he chooses to "really" get sober and work a program you can always stop the divorce or remarry. This is not a death sentence. All this is saying, is you and your daughter will no longer be living with an addict. The ball is in his court.
Sending big bear hugs to you!!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jjnorris....this might be a good time for you to read some of the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D......if you are interested in learning more about how the "alcoholic mind" works....
He wrote many articles...but, you might be especially interested in....
"excuses alcoholics make"...."The addict's dilemma"...."Addiction, lies, and relationships".
Welcome to Psychiatry & Wellness, Behavior Medicine Associates
The reason that I suggest this is not so that you can "treat" him....but, so that you can understand what you all are up against.....
***Most especially, it will help you not to personalize his actions so much...because they are not about you....
These articles helped me more than anything I had read when I was struggling with m y adult son's drinking.....It took so much "guilt" off my shoulders and gave me a different way to look at the situation....
I know that I suggested that you read the book "Co-dependent No More", also...lol....I know that this all seems like a lot...and, you have a work schedule....but, you can do a little at a time....
Knowledge is power!!
(just click on the web address, above).....
He wrote many articles...but, you might be especially interested in....
"excuses alcoholics make"...."The addict's dilemma"...."Addiction, lies, and relationships".
Welcome to Psychiatry & Wellness, Behavior Medicine Associates
The reason that I suggest this is not so that you can "treat" him....but, so that you can understand what you all are up against.....
***Most especially, it will help you not to personalize his actions so much...because they are not about you....
These articles helped me more than anything I had read when I was struggling with m y adult son's drinking.....It took so much "guilt" off my shoulders and gave me a different way to look at the situation....
I know that I suggested that you read the book "Co-dependent No More", also...lol....I know that this all seems like a lot...and, you have a work schedule....but, you can do a little at a time....
Knowledge is power!!
(just click on the web address, above).....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
all it feels like is once again I am not important enough, we are not important enough.
you ARE. he is just incapable of making the choice to put anything else ahead of his selfish wants. HE is the one with the problem. he is the one that is missing some key element to have a true meaningful relationship with someone. he is not able to put people ahead of his need to get high, check out, numb out.
you ARE. he is just incapable of making the choice to put anything else ahead of his selfish wants. HE is the one with the problem. he is the one that is missing some key element to have a true meaningful relationship with someone. he is not able to put people ahead of his need to get high, check out, numb out.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,981
Just to mirror the others, it's pretty clear he's made his decision and is taking the booze and weed. It sounds like it's been long overdue to move on to a stable environment not just for yourself, but especially for your kid.
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