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Rope Burn

Old 02-11-2017, 01:46 PM
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Rope Burn

My son is a songwriter and my favorite song of his is Rope Burn. He wrote when his brother broke up with a long-standing girlfriend. Some of the lyrics:
You think you've lost your love
But what do you expect when you push and shove
Pieces back into place
They're not meant to be arranged

But I’ll hang on
And I will start to learn
That there’s nothing wrong
With getting a little rope burn
When you hang on so tight
Just let it go…

Cuz this wind's got a bitter chill
And you don't even mind stayin' out in the cold
Cuz it's the easiest way for you to keep what you hold

But I’ll hang on
And I will start to learn
That there's no shame in getting a little rope burn

And things have changed
And you’ve got to take it day by day
It has to happen this way
But it’s the start of something great
With a new timeline!


I'm feeling rope burn now.. as I start to let go. My other son and his wife are having their second child in April. They're having a big baby shower when they'll announce the gender next weekend. DH is not invited, because of his drinking.

My son just asked if I'm coming, even though his dad is not invited, and I told him yes, but this is the most painful thing.. My DH would make the most amazing grandfather if he would just sober up. The thought of leaving him home while I go to something so momentous for both of us is tearing me up.

How do you get through it?? The pain is excruciating, thinking of me with his son and grandson at a party, and he's persona non grata. I know he did it to himself, and it's his choice, but that somehow doesn't mitigate the pain.
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Old 02-11-2017, 01:55 PM
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Great lyrics Solomio!

It sounds like you raised thoughtful kids with the ability to set boundaries. Congratulations.

Big hug . . . it must be painful watching your husband trash something so beyond price.
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Old 02-11-2017, 02:46 PM
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If they could only see that drinking gives them half a life. Sad. Hang in there.
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Old 02-11-2017, 04:21 PM
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Solo, when you are at the shower, try to be present with your son and his wife. Mindfulness is key. That's how you'll get through it, by being alive in the moment where something wonderful is happening that you are blessed to be a part of.

Try to resist projecting upon your AH how *you* would feel if you were not allowed to be there, and just enjoy being there yourself, instead of feeling bad on his behalf. If you wallow in what you think he must be feeling, it's like neither of you will really be there.
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Old 02-12-2017, 03:06 AM
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Nothing much to add other than to say I like the song, and it really is hard to watch an addict miss out on love and happiness all around them.

I think SK is right, the best thing you can do is go and be fully present yourself. Oh, and yes, be proud that you raised kids who know what they find acceptable and what they don't.
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Old 02-13-2017, 09:39 AM
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How do you get through it?? The pain is excruciating, thinking of me with his son and grandson at a party, and he's persona non grata. I know he did it to himself, and it's his choice, but that somehow doesn't mitigate the pain.
Oh Solo - it's so painful. I hope you can focus on the blessing that is happening, and detach yourself from your husbands own doing. You have some real joy going on, the cycle of life moving forward from something beautiful that YOU did. Sending you good thoughts and prayers to be present and for some peace. ((HUGS)))
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Old 02-16-2017, 05:07 AM
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I agree with SK & others, mindfulness is the key, great wisdom there.
Sounds like there will be future events and you can enjoy and he will
have his consequences... It would be doubly sad if you let anything
spoil your joy or your kids big moment.

Great lyrics & insightful too!
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Old 02-16-2017, 09:32 PM
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I'm traveling on business--I'm clear across the country. My son left me a email asking if I would want him to call his dad and explain why I'm invited and he's not. So thoughtful of him.

AH hasn't mentioned the party, so I honestly don't know if he doesn't remember or thinks he's going or is just shutting it out. I am SO tempted, if he doesn't remember, to just make an excuse and tell him I'm going shopping or something. That would be the easy way. Not sure if it would be the right way--he would not be faced with the consequences of his actions. But he and I would both be spared a bit of heartache.

It is not lost on me that there's a reason I love to travel for business. Right now I'm alone in an airline club at 9:30 on a Thursday night, and frankly, I'm pretty happy. What does it mean when you'd rather be by yourself in an airline club than home?

I bought the baby a little unisex outfit at a wonderful children's clothing boutique in Sausalito. My son and DIL want me and her mother to be the announcers of the gender, which is so great. I will try so hard to live in the moment as many of you have so wisely counseled, but I'm also going to have to feel and recognize some considerable pain.
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Old 02-17-2017, 09:18 AM
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My son and DIL want me and her mother to be the announcers of the gender, which is so great.
I just love this - I bet you are so proud!

I'm glad you are happy when you are traveling, I hope you can find that happy place at the shower too.
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Old 02-17-2017, 12:17 PM
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Feeling better today for two reasons:

1: I'm just going to go and tell him it's a baby shower for DIL. He's going to assume it's "women only" (actually, it's going to be 90% women) so I'm not anticipating any drama in my going and leaving him home.

2: Nothing like a little anger to dispel sympathy. I was away all week on business, as I said, and I came home to find out that he spent $540. About $150 was on liquor, about 100 on convenience store stuff like cigars and soda, etc, $150 on food (half of it expensive take-out) and $200 is unaccounted for (withdrawn as cash).

Here's a new dynamic in my situation. My BIL is not alcoholic, but pretty dysfunctional. His mother enabled him until she died in 2010. To make a VERY long story short, he's living with us temporarily, and he's a crabby, needy man with no job skills. So now AH has a partner in crime. The two of them whooping it up on my dime. BIL is broke until we sell the house that he's half owner of (with AH as the other half).

Time to go back to leaving AH cash in an envelope. If they run out of money on Tuesday.. too bad.
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Old 02-17-2017, 01:32 PM
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Nothing like some validation to just live your life, and make it a happy one!!

That's exactly what he is doing...
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