Twoyearssober

I just read that someone's RAH was actually doing a pretty good job with his family in recovery and was just wondering what normal recovery looks like with regards to how the RA treats their spouse and family.

And how does the family support them?

Thanks!!!!!

dandylion

My personal experience (I am not married to an alcoholic), in observing others....
I have worked, in psychiatry, with several people who had many years of recovery under their belt.....they taught me a lot! The were great people and had loving relationships with spouse and family...The were very honest! They were humble and compassionate toward others. They didn't go around taking everyone's inventory...lol....and they kept their own doorstep clean......
I have, also, known some who stopped drinking...but, didn't really work a program...outside of going to some AA meetings....and they were "jerks", in my opinion. wouldn't want to live with them.
I think that the original personality, aside from the alcoholism, has a lot to do with it, also.....
I think that some have dual diagnoses...
You know what they say...
What do you get if you sober up a dr unken horse thief? A sober horse thief.

That's all I've got.......

atalose

I think real recovery demonstrates courage, dignity, honesty and integrity on a daily basis.

I find that the biggest support a family can show is in their own actions, by getting involved in their own recovery. Learning as much as they can about addiction, addict behavior, enabling and making the necessary changes in their own lives for a healthier and happy life.

FeelingGreat

Speaking as a recovered A for me it meant calmness and certainty that I wasn't going to drink. Can you see it in others? I don't know.

Refiner

Two... we have a saying here "you won't find bread at a hardware store"... are you looking for bread in a hardware store? After this much time, he may just not have it in him and is emotionally void.

Twoyearssober

Thanks everyone.

Might be looking for bread in a hardware store.

I just read the Into Action chapter in the Big Book, and found the answer to my own question.

RAH hasn't really been recovering, well in a way he has, he thinks he has, but besides stopping drinking, he's like a cafeteria recovering alcoholic, he just picks and chooses what part of the big book he wants to follow, which at this point seems to be about 10%.

He is stuck at step 3 and can't get past it.

So, life goes on for the rest of us.

It's not easy, but neither is it easy for the alcoholic, so I guess we're sort of all in the same boat, just different places in it.

Knowing you're not in this alone is tremdously helpful and the advice here keeps one going.

Maudcat

Hang in there, Twoyears. Take care of yourself.

dandylion

TwoYears.....you are talking about HIM a lot.....What about YOU.....
Where are you with all of this....?

heartcore

I think real recovery looks like:

Handling emotion
Communicating honestly
Having boundaries
Holding an ethical line
Being mostly happy with your life
Receiving and giving love and nurturing in equal measure
Having friends
Cultivating interests & involvement in the world
Believing that you have intrinsic value
Not keeping secrets
Doing something - whether as work or play - that - in some way- contributes positively to the world at large
Feeling moments of satisfaction and joy
Attending to your health - physically & emotionally
Not ignoring the hard stuff

I think these things would represent recovery both from an alcoholic/addict perspective & from an alanon/partner perspective.

From a human perspective. Worthy aspirations.

If someone is actively experiencing all those things, I'd say they are a pretty centered human...

heartcore

Ps. Flossing your teeth!
Can't believe I forgot that one...lol...

Twoyearssober

Yes, I have been thinking about RAH, just to make sure I can say I did all I can.

And looks like I've done all I can.

I've got a counselor and support system set up. Currently working on the finances and getting a job to support myself.

I've been down this road before 14 years ago, and it's still a hard road to go down no matter when you do it or how many times you go down it.

I know the hard reality of it all and am taking the steps I need to because RAH is not following the program.

He's been against me from 2012, and 5 years is enough hell on earth.

God has been preparing me and the family slowly during that time and now I'm finally at a good place and not only know where I have to go and what I have do, but I'm actually going through the motions to get through it.

I know that there is a better place on the other side, and that's why I keep reading so the positive posts here about taking care of yourself. Reminders to keep the focus on me and the kids, and to trust my higher power to get me through this one. To let go and let God. To live one day at a time. To ask God for the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.....

����

honeypig

Twoyears, you have TOTALLY got this...

Outstanding.

FeelingGreat

It becomes more bearable when you're working on yourself and your plans.

FireSprite

Just my opinion -

Real Recovery is quiet. It doesn't smash & crash around the way addiction did. It doesn't demand to be the center of attention at all times.

It is accountable & respectful & engaged. It is growth of the mind, body & spirit.

It is imperfect, but humble. It is accepting & working through our emotions rather than numbing them away.

It is full of "I" statements - "I am seeking recovery/ I have done wrongs/ I am seeking new ways & tools. I have made it to meetings/ I have found a sponsor/therapist/program."

It isn't really measurable but you can't help but recognize it when you see it. Sounds like you're on the right path 2Years.

aliciagr

Have you ever recovered from a surgery or an emotional trauma of your own? I use this as reference for our experience. Real recovery evolves as time goes by and healing takes place. My husband went through lots of stages and sometimes it wasnt all pleasant to be around but that doesnt mean he was not doing things right. It was part of the process if this makes sense. He has worked in therapy and received most of his help this way. He did not like the 12 steps and has not worked them or gone to meetings. For him, it has not been necessary for recovery to take place. The recovery process takes time as he had to face a lot of issues under the surface which caused his drinking and drug use. Plus of cpurse initially there were physical issues he had to deal with. I tried to go with the flow and respect his process. I didnt expect him to be perfect as he went through this. It was ok if he was sad, grumpy, short tempered, lacked motivation at times. I recall my own recovery from various things and it helped me realize this was a natural pattern.

Family support is important as far as Im concerned. Understanding, patience, tolerance and also facing my own issues and working on them so I dont project or blame him for all of my own problems or stresses. But we also had to do family counseling on a regular basis so we could talk, share and express our feelings, and grow together instead of apart. I think it helped us both and I know it helped me the most.

I hope things work out for you. I know the stress and pain involved and hate thinking of others experiencing the same thing.

we are doing good now, but continue to work on our relationship.

Mango blast

Bump. Lots of good here.