adysonl

i'm going to try to keep this as short as i can. i'm 19 years old and my whole life my mother has been a functioning alcoholic, from throwing "Barbeque monday's" at our first apartment after her and my dad divorced when i was 6, to me making drinks with her and her drunk friends when i was 9. i grew up with it so that was my norm. After my little brother was born when i was 10, i quickly became his second mother, feeding him, bathing him, teaching him, and uncondionally loving him like he was my own. fast forward 3 years she gave birth to my other little brother who i also took care of. after finding out how much i love them and that i would do anything for them, she took advantage of me and i found myself always taking care of them for the most part. i would pack their school lunches, pick them up from their bus stop, feed them dinner, bathe them, repeat. when they both started going to school, i myself was a junior in high school and started getting into bad things. i started developing a drinking problem, and was drinking at school and every other day. my senior year i grew a lot and learned that isn't what life is about. also my senior year my mom started taking many pills, and was drinking much more. then in may she had surgery and mixed pills with alcohol and officially hit rock bottom. i had never seen her so out of control. cursing at everyone she loved, saying hurtful things to us, falling every where, shaking, turning yellow....
i was even kicked out the morning of prom for borrowing her mascara. three days after prom she had to go to rehab. she missed my graduation & my open house. it was very sad for me because i have never felt like my mother was proud of me. with all the service projects i participated in in highschool or the one time i had all A's, she didn't care. so my graduation was very important to me so i could finally feel like my mom is proud of me.
fast forward a month, she gets out of rehab, goes back to work, loses her job for being drunk, and now she barely works as a server, spending her only money on cigs and alcohol, and now she's hiding alcohol from all of us, lying to us, shaking..the cycle is starting over. what's worse is i have a controlling, emotionally abusive stepdad. i have him in my left ear bitching about my mom & pretending to be my friend and my mother in my other ear complaining about him and exaggerating things about him to turn me against him. they're both playing mind tricks with me and i can't do this anymore! i have expressed my feelings to my mom so many times on how her drinking hurts me and breaks my trust with her and she's convinced she has things under control and that she's not going to get as bad as she did around prom. i emotionally cannnot do this anymore. i love my mom with all my heart and i want her to be better so bad because i feel like i have no mom.... but my question is, is it right for me to detach from her? i can't do this toxicness anymore....i just can't.

Jaeger

adysonl- Welcome! Yes, it is absolutely alright to detach from Mom. My qualifiers are my husband & son so I don't have a lot of experience with alcoholic parents. I do know that Al-Anon would be a huge help for you. Have you ever thought about trying that? Please keep posting and read through the stickies at the top of the page.

dandylion

ady.....I believe that it is necessary for you to detach from her and the family toxicity. You won't stop loving her...but, you will have to love her from a distance.
It is time for you to go into the world and have your own life...this is the way of nature.
If you don't detach...so that you can live independently....you not only won't help her...you will do lots of damage to yourself.
When you were born, you were meant to live, have joy and flourish in the life.
(so was she,,,but, sadly, alcoholism has taken over).
I strongly suggest t hat you look into Adult Children of Alcoholics and start going to meetings. You will get the support and guidance that you need...(in my opinion, alanon is good, but, I think that Adult Children of Alcoholics is more specific to your needs, right now)
As a young woman...you really need to be focused on your future career goals, right now...You should be focused on your education and your own self development....you are entitled to this!

adysonl

i have tried al-anon, when she hit rock bottom. i didn't really understand what it was for though. i thought i could go there and vent out my problems at home and talk about my mom. but then i found out it was to better yourself. i should try to go again. thank you though, i can never talk to anyone about this stuff and i really appreciate the feed back!

TimeForMe

Hi Adysonl - Welcome to SR! You will definitely find many people here who can listen to you and relate to what you're saying.

You sound like an amazingly mature person who has seen waaaaaaay more than you should have in only 19 years. I think it's so good that your brothers have had you looking out for them, even though that is *not* your job.

I grew up with an alcoholic dad and I know exactly how it feels to not be able to rely on the person who should be taking care of you. It sucks. To answer your question, I agree with Jaeger: yes, you can detach from your mom. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as anyone else's, and like they say on an airplane, you need to put your own oxygen mask on first before you help anyone else.

What are you doing for yourself? Do you live at home? Are you in school? If so, maybe there are counseling services there you can take advantage of. AlAnon or ACoA would be a big help for you, and it's free.

Please please please read through the stories here and keep posting. Sometimes just knowing you're not alone is a big relief. And I can guarantee you that you are 100% not alone.

Sending you a big hug.

adysonl

thank you so much, i found out there is an adult children of alcoholics at my old highschool. i will definitely be looking into it. thank you so much, i very much appreciate you taking the time to read and give feedback!

adysonl

i know i need to start living for myself, i do worry about my little brothers very much because i want them to turn out amazing and i don't want to leave them in such a toxic environment. i live at home, and i'm working at a pizza place. i plan on moving to colorado for a couple months in the summer time because my aunt lives there and i know it would be a nice experience! like i've said to who else has replied i really really appreciate you guys taking the time to read and respond. my dad is not a very emotional person so i can't talk to him about any of this. but i'm looking into going back to al anon or something to help. thank you thank you!

dandylion

ady...Yes, yes....do go to those ACoA meetings, at the highschool, until summer.
Do go to Colorado...a nice adventure for you!
***In the meantime...research how you can further your education....even if it is just taking a course or two online...or, maybe at the local community college....(you can do most of community college, on line, these days. Start getting information and making your plans. Always remember---Knowledge is power!
You can go to the local community college and talk to a counselor. they will be happy to talk to you and help you with how to get financing for tuition.
This is the time in your life that it will be easier for you to get y our education, than any other time.....
Trust me...in today's world, every woman needs n education and to be able to support herself....
It is also imoortant to not tie yourself down in a relationship....the next few years are for you to blossom into your adulthood....
And, for God's sake....don't get pregnant.....lol....

adysonl

i've never been able to hold a relationship anyways! lol it's never been important to me, unless someone REALLY cool apprears along my journey but other then that i don't search for a relationship. i do plan on going to school, once i get back from colorado. my plan was to get a higher paying job so i can move out and do easy classes online and the hard ones in the school. i know what i want and i very much hope so everything works out for me. And no no no! no kids coming from me anytime soon haha. thank you so much!

dandylion

ady...it sounds, to me, like you have your head in the right direction.....
Yes, it will work out for you...why?....because YOU WILL MAKE IT WORK!

It is fortunate that you are not focused on a relationship, at this point in your life. so many young women are...and, it can be the biggest downfall for their future lives.....

atalose

Yes, it is acceptable for you to detach from her/him and the entire situation.
Is your aunt in Colorado someone you can confide in about your moms drinking and how it’s affecting you?

Any chance you move out there sooner rather than later? What about looking into school out there?

adysonl

thank you! i really appreciate it

adysonl

i just feel guilty because i know she's not where she was before which i great, but she isn't doing anything for herself to get back on her feet and my older brother and i have given her so much support and positivity and have talked about how it hurts our feelings when she drinks and nothing goes through to her.
but with how things are going now i'm highly considering leaving sooner, the problem is there isn't much work out in colorado right now considering it's the off season. i'm trying to save money though.
my aunt is an amazing person and so spiritual so i KNOW it would be great for me to be with her. she knows my mom very well too. thank you for your feed back, deeply appreciated.

teatreeoil007

Not only is it okay for you to detach from your mother, you really NEED to for your own well being and do NOT feel guilty for doing so. It's time to take care of YOU. You've been taking care of others for a long time now...and you can get trampled in the process. Let go, detach, before you are dragged. We support you!!

adysonl

i know i shouldn't feel guilty, she's just done so much for me and i feel like she deserves her happy ending. i know the potential she holds for
being a good mother because she is so loving and caring. it just breaks my heart. but thank you so much for reading what i said and thank you for the support!

teatreeoil007

Well, yes, she's done a lot for you....she's your mother after all....but they use that as leverage to lay guilt trips on people: It's a mentality of "after all I've done for you, you owe it to me." She really SHOULD be the bigger person and be the one let go and let you live YOUR life and be in a more supporting role of helping you reach your dreams and do so with a good self esteem intact and not bogged down by things a kid has no business being bogged down with. I mean, just LOOK at all the things you've been doing over the years. That's sort of robbed you already. A kid's purpose in life is not to serve the mother/parents.

It's hard because she is your mother, you love her, you don't want to hurt her....but honey....sometimes good growth and true liberty comes at a cost and you hurt others because they are just going to be hurt, NOT because you are being wrong...it's the nature of the beast that when we step away from some people and some things we will hurt them...again, don't feel guilty. Doesn't it count that she has hurt you? She HAS hurt you...don't forget that. It's likely that you really need family therapy to get this all straightened out and keep the relationship intact. Have you considered family therapy? There is a good deal of dysfunction that's been going on for a long time now. It's going to take some doing to unravel it.

atalose

It took me a long time to understand and then accept that nothing I could say or do was going to have an impact on someone who is not ready to stop drinking. I used to hear all the time, “try not to take it personally” but that’s almost impossible especially when you live with that person and experience it day in and day out. But that’s a hard truth to accept. She doesn't drink at you or because of you, she drinks because that's what alcoholics do. Most of them all have the same behaviors, many of us have experienced the frustration, disappointment, hurt and pain of seeing someone we love not helping themselves.

Everyone has potential for anything in life but it’s not their potential that causes us the hurt and pain it’s the who they are right now today.

Bekindalways

A belated welcome adysonl. You seem to be a terrifically smart person and I'm so glad you found us.

Congrats on having a plan for getting out of your situation.

My foster sister did what you did and moved to live with an aunt when she was in high school. It was super difficult for her and the right thing to do. She had two more years of school. Her aunt and uncle were very helpful for her however she remembers being 19 and not quite ready to stand on her own two feet. Most of us need lots of support in this lonely world and we are supposed to get that from our families. It is so problematic when the family is taken away by intoxicants or tragedy.

It sounds like you only have another semester?

I'm wondering (shout out to legal folks here) if you could call domestic violence and find a place to live for the next 4 months . . . not sure this is a good idea at all but I'm just thinking.

Keep posting and many hugs . . . you sound like an amazing young woman!

adysonl

you're absolutely right. & at this point family therapy wouldn't do much, she has gone to regular therapy & couples therapy and nothing has happened. i know the key to a healthy relationship is communication and that's all i've tried to do. i don't try to argue either. there's only so much i can do and so much i can find in myself to keep dealing with this. like i've said before though, i just worry about my little brother because they're are only 6 & 9 and they deserve the world. i worry so much about them

adysonl

i'm actually not in school, i was planning on leaving for the experience but it looks like i might be leaving sooner and staying longer. i've been dealing with this for a while and i told her i'm going to distance myself from her if she can't choose. i feel like what is best for me is to leave within the next two months instead of june. but thank you so much, everyone's support means THE WORLD to me. i've felt so alone with all of this for so long. you all are truly amazing and i appreciate everyone's feedback