detaching from mother?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted by atalose 
It took me a long time to understand and then accept that nothing I could say or do was going to have an impact on someone who is not ready to stop drinking. I used to hear all the time, “try not to take it personally” but that’s almost impossible especially when you live with that person and experience it day in and day out. But that’s a hard truth to accept. She doesn't drink at you or because of you, she drinks because that's what alcoholics do. Most of them all have the same behaviors, many of us have experienced the frustration, disappointment, hurt and pain of seeing someone we love not helping themselves.
Everyone has potential for anything in life but it’s not their potential that causes us the hurt and pain it’s the who they are right now today.
Everyone has potential for anything in life but it’s not their potential that causes us the hurt and pain it’s the who they are right now today.
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Hi adyson. My mother was the alcoholic in my family and I was the oldest daughter with two younger brothers. I am sorry you are going through this. You sound like a remarkably intelligent and intuitive young woman. While I would not wish this type of childhood on anyone, the self-reliance that was necessary to grow up in those conditions was an important factor in helping me carve out my own life.
I left home for college and never really went back. I had a lot of student loans but it was worth every penny to be able to start my life away from my mother. Becoming "parentified" at a young age is likely to have a big impact on your choices in the future. I am so very glad you are reaching out and that you understand that you did not deserve to have so much put upon your young shoulders.
I felt responsible for everyone and everything for a long time. I was so enmeshed with my mother that it took years for me to realize that her love was conditional and that in an effort to please her I had lost who I really was along the way.
There are so many great responses here. If I could impress one thing upon you it would be to continue to educate yourself on alcoholism and what it means to be a child of an alcoholic. I spent decades spinning trying to be everything to everyone.
It is sad to realize that we will never have the mother that we wanted. Learning to mother yourself, to feel comfortable with strong boundaries, to feel entitled to respect and reliability, to be your own advocate.....those are the ways you are going to not only survive, but thrive.
Do not feel guilty at distancing yourself from your mother. She failed you, you are not responsible for holding this relationship together. The distance from her will create room for you to explore healthier relationships and to figure out who you are. Continue to reach out for support, there are many of us who have been through similar circumstances.
You are right to say enough and please continue to push for the life you deserve!
I left home for college and never really went back. I had a lot of student loans but it was worth every penny to be able to start my life away from my mother. Becoming "parentified" at a young age is likely to have a big impact on your choices in the future. I am so very glad you are reaching out and that you understand that you did not deserve to have so much put upon your young shoulders.
I felt responsible for everyone and everything for a long time. I was so enmeshed with my mother that it took years for me to realize that her love was conditional and that in an effort to please her I had lost who I really was along the way.
There are so many great responses here. If I could impress one thing upon you it would be to continue to educate yourself on alcoholism and what it means to be a child of an alcoholic. I spent decades spinning trying to be everything to everyone.
It is sad to realize that we will never have the mother that we wanted. Learning to mother yourself, to feel comfortable with strong boundaries, to feel entitled to respect and reliability, to be your own advocate.....those are the ways you are going to not only survive, but thrive.
Do not feel guilty at distancing yourself from your mother. She failed you, you are not responsible for holding this relationship together. The distance from her will create room for you to explore healthier relationships and to figure out who you are. Continue to reach out for support, there are many of us who have been through similar circumstances.
You are right to say enough and please continue to push for the life you deserve!
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
Hi Adyson. No advice from me, but I did want to thank you for sharing and let you know that I admire your strength and courage. You seem to be a fantastic young lady and I wish you the very best!
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by jaynie04
Hi adyson. My mother was the alcoholic in my family and I was the oldest daughter with two younger brothers. I am sorry you are going through this. You sound like a remarkably intelligent and intuitive young woman. While I would not wish this type of childhood on anyone, the self-reliance that was necessary to grow up in those conditions was an important factor in helping me carve out my own life.
I left home for college and never really went back. I had a lot of student loans but it was worth every penny to be able to start my life away from my mother. Becoming "parentified" at a young age is likely to have a big impact on your choices in the future. I am so very glad you are reaching out and that you understand that you did not deserve to have so much put upon your young shoulders.
I felt responsible for everyone and everything for a long time. I was so enmeshed with my mother that it took years for me to realize that her love was conditional and that in an effort to please her I had lost who I really was along the way.
There are so many great responses here. If I could impress one thing upon you it would be to continue to educate yourself on alcoholism and what it means to be a child of an alcoholic. I spent decades spinning trying to be everything to everyone.
It is sad to realize that we will never have the mother that we wanted. Learning to mother yourself, to feel comfortable with strong boundaries, to feel entitled to respect and reliability, to be your own advocate.....those are the ways you are going to not only survive, but thrive.
Do not feel guilty at distancing yourself from your mother. She failed you, you are not responsible for holding this relationship together. The distance from her will create room for you to explore healthier relationships and to figure out who you are. Continue to reach out for support, there are many of us who have been through similar circumstances.
You are right to say enough and please continue to push for the life you deserve!
I left home for college and never really went back. I had a lot of student loans but it was worth every penny to be able to start my life away from my mother. Becoming "parentified" at a young age is likely to have a big impact on your choices in the future. I am so very glad you are reaching out and that you understand that you did not deserve to have so much put upon your young shoulders.
I felt responsible for everyone and everything for a long time. I was so enmeshed with my mother that it took years for me to realize that her love was conditional and that in an effort to please her I had lost who I really was along the way.
There are so many great responses here. If I could impress one thing upon you it would be to continue to educate yourself on alcoholism and what it means to be a child of an alcoholic. I spent decades spinning trying to be everything to everyone.
It is sad to realize that we will never have the mother that we wanted. Learning to mother yourself, to feel comfortable with strong boundaries, to feel entitled to respect and reliability, to be your own advocate.....those are the ways you are going to not only survive, but thrive.
Do not feel guilty at distancing yourself from your mother. She failed you, you are not responsible for holding this relationship together. The distance from her will create room for you to explore healthier relationships and to figure out who you are. Continue to reach out for support, there are many of us who have been through similar circumstances.
You are right to say enough and please continue to push for the life you deserve!
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 14
Originally Posted by soberandhonest
Hi Adyson. No advice from me, but I did want to thank you for sharing and let you know that I admire your strength and courage. You seem to be a fantastic young lady and I wish you the very best!
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Ady,
Welcome and glad you found us. You sure dont sound like a 19 year old. You sound more like a 35 year old taking care of your two brothers and your mother. Bless you for doing that. I know you wouldn't have done it any differently, but your brothers are getting the love from an "adult" that you never received from an adult figure in your life.
I also agree with taking some college courses. Do some research near your aunts house about taking some summer courses. As grown up as you are, I think you would be amazing at anything you choose to do. You have a big heart, maybe nursing, a school teacher or some kind of therapy. The world is your oyster my friend.
Keep reading all over this forum. You will learn a ton about what you have gone through and how to come out "great" in the end. Keep posting and asking questions. You have made a ton of new friends and we are here 24 hours a day, if you need someone.
Sending big bear hugs kiddo!!! You will not only fly away, you will soar!!
Welcome and glad you found us. You sure dont sound like a 19 year old. You sound more like a 35 year old taking care of your two brothers and your mother. Bless you for doing that. I know you wouldn't have done it any differently, but your brothers are getting the love from an "adult" that you never received from an adult figure in your life.
I also agree with taking some college courses. Do some research near your aunts house about taking some summer courses. As grown up as you are, I think you would be amazing at anything you choose to do. You have a big heart, maybe nursing, a school teacher or some kind of therapy. The world is your oyster my friend.
Keep reading all over this forum. You will learn a ton about what you have gone through and how to come out "great" in the end. Keep posting and asking questions. You have made a ton of new friends and we are here 24 hours a day, if you need someone.
Sending big bear hugs kiddo!!! You will not only fly away, you will soar!!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Cleveland OH
Posts: 49
Hello and welcome Adysonl. One of the first things you'll hear at Al-Anon is; you didnt cause her drinking, you can't cure her drinking and you can't control it. You sound like a very intelligent and mature young woman. I wish you the best of luck in Co. Take care of yourself.
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I just want to say what a fine, strong and healthy person you are for being able to see this situation for what it is and at such a young age! I'm very impressed! I wish I knew more what to tell you to do. perhaps you and your aunt and other family members you trust can come together and discuss what is best for your siblings.. If they are in danger, they need to be removed from that home. Much love to you!
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Originally Posted by jessiec
I just want to say what a fine, strong and healthy person you are for being able to see this situation for what it is and at such a young age! I'm very impressed! I wish I knew more what to tell you to do. perhaps you and your aunt and other family members you trust can come together and discuss what is best for your siblings.. If they are in danger, they need to be removed from that home. Much love to you!
thank you so much for the love & support!!!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
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I know you said your mom has had individual therapy and couples' therapy, but family therapy is geared differently and may benefit you. A good family therapist might be the way go in helping facilitate better communication, be a type of advocate for the children, etc. Your mom isn't stepping up the plate and being the adult here and sounds like she hasn't for a long time. Kids can feel rather powerless in those cases where the adult is not really being an adult. They need an advocate. Many people need various types of therapy. When one doesn't seem to work, try another. She may also benefit from someone who specializes in addiction.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Hi Adyson, Happy Valentines Day. If I could reach across this computer and give you a big hug right now, I would. Honey, I'm 46. Back in my early twenties, a therapist told me my parents were likely narcissists and I really needed to take a break from them. I moved away across many states and was busy raising my young children and yet, I still stayed very enmeshed with my very unhealthy FOO. In the last decade or so, my mother has become a raging alcoholic on top of the personality disorders. I have been NC with she and my enabling father for almost a year now, and my only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. When thoughts and worries go to your mom, put them back on YOU. You don't owe your mom anything. You did not ask to be born. (and I say this as a mother of four kids) Accepting abuse is self abuse. Get independent as quickly as you can and live a beautiful, healthy life of your own making! The best thing my mom did for me was to give me a template of how NOT to be. I quit drinking almost 4 years ago, I have loving, authentic relationships with my husband, children and friends. I have a strong spiritual awareness. Please don't wait until you are middle aged to give yourself what is rightfully yours . . . . your own beautiful life. Karen Casey's book Let Go Now Embracing Detachment really helped me. I recommend it. Take care, sweetheart. You and your mom are in much bigger Hands, in a much bigger force of love, then what you think you are when you try to "go it alone." Trust those Hands for the both of you.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Dear Adyson
The scenarios you have described are, I believe, the most difficult in the world.
Most of us end up on these pages because of a mate we picked, or one of our kids. You had no choice in the situation you find yourself in. I am FULL of admiration for you.
I have found everyone on this site to be nothing but supportive and nurturing. I believe you can find many surrogate "mothers" and other friends here, even though we are all cyber.
I have known of others who went "no contact" with toxic members of their family when no substance abuse was involved. Your Mother is just asking for this.
You will be in my prayers. Please keep coming back!!!
The scenarios you have described are, I believe, the most difficult in the world.
Most of us end up on these pages because of a mate we picked, or one of our kids. You had no choice in the situation you find yourself in. I am FULL of admiration for you.
I have found everyone on this site to be nothing but supportive and nurturing. I believe you can find many surrogate "mothers" and other friends here, even though we are all cyber.
I have known of others who went "no contact" with toxic members of their family when no substance abuse was involved. Your Mother is just asking for this.
You will be in my prayers. Please keep coming back!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
It took me a lot longer than you to realize I am an ACoA. I had moved back in with my parents after a break up with an addict left me broke. Just a few months in and my step dad got sick with cancer.... I stayed with mom after he passed... but a few years later, I just cannot do it anymore.
Mom is a high functioning alcoholic; she is so far from rock bottom. But it leaves her forgetting things constantly... what she has said, what I say, who did what around the house, and how things happened in my childhood.... plus, her negative moods and passive aggressive attacks...
One night she exploded on me over a political discussion. She was drunk. Long story short, she "kicked me out" (I pay rent, bills, food, and clean the entire house plus favors for her.) This was around April last year I think?
So... I set myself on a course to get out. I got a promotion at work. Fixed my credit. And tomorrow my daughters and I move into our own apartment! Woot!
I've held my breath and kept my foot in my mouth this entire time.... just waiting for my opportunity. And.... I FEEL HORRIBLE about "leaving her".... I've promised to still come around and help out with some things. But I imagine I'll be easily sucked into responsibilities that are not mine again. Tricky road to walk...
I hope you find the courage to do this! You CAN do this! And... you totally should! You have an entire life ahead of you just waiting :-)
On a side note.... I don't talk to my real dad. I have NO guilt about that. I cut him out about 6/7 years ago.... One of the best decisions I ever made.
Mom is a high functioning alcoholic; she is so far from rock bottom. But it leaves her forgetting things constantly... what she has said, what I say, who did what around the house, and how things happened in my childhood.... plus, her negative moods and passive aggressive attacks...
One night she exploded on me over a political discussion. She was drunk. Long story short, she "kicked me out" (I pay rent, bills, food, and clean the entire house plus favors for her.) This was around April last year I think?
So... I set myself on a course to get out. I got a promotion at work. Fixed my credit. And tomorrow my daughters and I move into our own apartment! Woot!
I've held my breath and kept my foot in my mouth this entire time.... just waiting for my opportunity. And.... I FEEL HORRIBLE about "leaving her".... I've promised to still come around and help out with some things. But I imagine I'll be easily sucked into responsibilities that are not mine again. Tricky road to walk...
I hope you find the courage to do this! You CAN do this! And... you totally should! You have an entire life ahead of you just waiting :-)
On a side note.... I don't talk to my real dad. I have NO guilt about that. I cut him out about 6/7 years ago.... One of the best decisions I ever made.
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