hearthealth

I'm angry. Husband is a binge drinker and workaholic. What he's worried about is that people will think
for not coming to the funeral---he has to work.

I think it's a matter of priorities. He should worry about what his wife and children. He should worry about what I'm thinking. How the children and I are greiving. He didn't worry about all his drinking, acts of violence or his family outcasting me. He didn't worry about me leaving.

He didn't worry because I took it. I always came back. I never set boundaries. I accepted it all until *now*.

Ariesagain

He sounds like a pretty classic narcissist. They want everyone to think highly of them but then disdain and belittle anyone who actually tries to love them. Maybe it's the booze, maybe he was always this way underneath...doesn't matter. This is who he is now.

Anger isn't the worst thing. It can be very motivating.

Sending you a hug.

PhoenixJ

You have to worry about you and your children. Stay safe. Do not get trapped by misplaced guilt. Look after you and yours.

dandylion

hearthealth.....I agree that this is low level behavior. If the word narcissistic could be applied...it would be now!
Zero compassion and empathy. self absorbed in the extreme.
Mark this in your memory for when you ever dr ift into selective recall.....

Focus where you need to as you and the family proceed through this important and mournful time.....

Ladybird579

My exah was the same when my mum died last August. He had nothing to offer emotionally , no compassion for our boys who'd lost their grandmother and wasn't able to support them through it. I already knew that tho so had no expectations of him. I've realised, possibly not a good thing, I've no expectations of anyone anymore. I attract people who I allow to use me and once my use is over I am discarded. ( must work on that) However it does keep disappointment in check and it's making me VERY independent. ((hugs to you )) xx

FireSprite

I'm so, so sorry you are dealing with this on top of your loss. Keep focusing on you & the kids, baby steps... this might just be the catalyst you need - it's obvious from your posts that you are growing stronger & stronger in your recovery with each passing day/incident.

Many prayers & positive thoughts headed your way!!!

ladyscribbler

My ex never had any room for other people's emotions. Whatever he was feeling frequently became something that required _everybody's_ attention, but that was a privilege he reserved for himself. Other people's pain, anger, sorrow and even happiness weren't even on his radar unless they irritated him or interfered with him getting what he wanted.

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Sending love and support to you and the kids at this sorrowful time.

firebolt

Oh (((HH)))

It's so difficult, but please try to remember that they deal with issues in their own lives by retreating and drinking. There is no way they can deal with issues on our lives in a healthy, supportive manner. They just can't. I hope you are surrounded by good friends and family right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

atalose

I remember when I traveled down that road of anger. It always ended with me, anger at myself for all of those same things you said, staying to long, coming back, being disrespected and lied to over and over again, I took it, I believed the unbelievable. YET I somehow still expected normal behavior from someone with abnormal behavior, thinking and logic.

I think once you are totally resolved that the relationship is really over and you can fully let go, their behaviors no longer shock or surprise you because it won’t matter anymore, you will have reached full acceptance and your focus will be on the future not the past.

itsmepoppy

Ugh. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. Taking care of yourself and your kids is so important right now. Grief is so hard on it's own but to not have the support from your spouse during this time just stinks.

AH does this too. My mom died three years ago on Tuesday. He knows that day is a tough one for me. I really don't ask for much except a little comfort and for the last three years, he's put work and alcohol ahead of that. This past Tuesday he didn't even ask how I was doing and when I said I was disappointed, instead of apologizing he told me that work was more important. Ever since she died, he always finds a way to avoid addressing my grief or turn whatever thing he's dealing with into the only issue worth caring about. Show a little compassion for his wife on a difficult day? Not a priority. But making sure everyone in his office thinks he's the greatest thing to ever happen to that company and loved by all? Priority numero uno.

heartcore

Anger is an emotion, of many available emotions.

It triggers adrenaline, which can sometimes push toward change.

Anger is not a forbidden or "lower" emotion. It has purpose.

Anger is sometimes the only emotion which both triggers and sustains difficult choices.

I give. I no longer care to offer my giving to those who are unable to steady me when I am in need. I'm not in relationship right now. I'm building friendships with people I value. Amazingly, they are actually present beside me when I need support. Huh.

We create our world. Choose who inhabits it.

Of course you're angry. He is not reciprocating care. Lesson learned.

Maudcat

Sorry. For your loss, hearthealth. Hugs to you.

Eauchiche

Dear hearthealth
I pray you can come to a place where he no longer makes you angry. I believe this is one of the goals of recovery.

FeelingGreat

That's pretty selfish and insensitive, but I bet it's not a surprise. You know you can't count on him for moral support, but you do have friends and family who care for you.
Try to keep things level when he's around. You don't want to tip him off that you are quietly making your own plans.

dandylion

hearthealth.....how are things coming along with your plans to exit the relationship.....?
I have been thinking about you, and wondering....

Seren

If I may...

I share the following wisdom from Lyle Lovett and his large band

Now the Mystery Masked Man was smart,
He got himself a Tonto.
'Cause Tonto did the dirty work for free.
But Tonto he was smarter,
And one day said "Kemosabe,
Kiss my a**, I bought a boat, I'm going out to sea!"
~"If I had a boat...'

On a more serious note, anger can be a great motivator if that energy is channeled into work! And sometimes, humor can help

Maudcat

Lyle Lovett! Sing it! He was a guest this past week on "Life in pieces."