Lots of ups and downs
 

This experience is certainly bringing to light areas of my psyche I need to work on... for instance I need to learn that good enough is sometimes good enough and not everything is going to be perfect. So far two contractors I've hired have been late. I had another guy almost bully and harass me into working with him and the reality of me doing this alone has hit me hard. I really think I can be a perfectionist and expect too much out of myself and others. I can have it set in my mind of how things "should" go and have a hard time releasing when it doesn't go that way. So far nothing unmanageable has happened, but I'm seeing I took a value of partnership for granted. There's someone there to help handle the weight of what's going on so it doesn't feel so heavy. These are things I may have been dealing with anyway but I see now how having help lightens the mental load. I also think a lot of this comes down to trust, I have a hard time trusting that someone is going to be there and when they aren't or can't I take it personally.

I didn't expect to learn so much about myself during this process. I can see I'm still fighting an inner voice that's telling me I'm not good enough. Makes me sad that these cycles carry on and that it can be so hard to break the patterns. Sometimes I wonder where it all began

Expanding....for almost certain, it began in your early developmental years...when your self concept was being formed.....
Are you doing any kind of Family of Origin work with a therapist. Not any therapist...but, one specifically trained in this area?
have you done any reading in this specific area (family of origin work).....
It involves a lot of excavating.....

I'm exactly the same way. For me....I have a mother that is like this times 10. We weren't really allowed to make our own decisions if there was any chance of failure. We were not allowed to be sad or mad. I always considered my childhood pretty perfect - and in the big picture, I am luckier than most. Very loving family , but like anyone, they had their issues, and they transferred to us kids.

The book Conquering Codependency and Shame helped me SO MUCH. I really think it should be at the top of the To Read list for Codies coming from non substance addicted families. I couldn't understand how the hell I got here until I read it.

"Peeling the layers of the onion" is referenced in here often, and it's just so true. We WILL get to the roots of our 'stuff', and in doing so, we can change it!

I thought this too, for a while....but.....it's because I expected that it had to come from a romantic partnership. It doesn't! I am surrounded by amazing people that I have taken for granted, and they are always there to help me if I need it. If you had had a couple of your girlfriends with you when dealing with the bully contractor, I could guess, that he would have been intimidated by YOU!

Hang in there - keep peeling the layers!

^ MEEE TOO. This has made my husband (and I'm sure, other people close to me) often times feel like they're not good enough or don't meet my expectations...


^ Me too.


I get you. :grouphug:

Did I write this?? I 100% could have.

Working with contractors can be a lesson in extreme diplomacy, Expanding. If you get a good one, that is, does what he/she promises, does it on time, and shows up when they are supposed to, hold onto him/her!
We have rehabbed a couple of houses. I have learned that good contractors have a constant juggling thing going on. They send their crews to different jobs because that is the way to make money. Sometimes your job may not be a priority. It happens. It isn't personal.
To get some names, when I needed work done, I would notice whose signboards were out at neighbor's houses, and ask about their work. I also formed relationships with local realtors. They are often a good source of who does decent work. Our most recent GC, who did a lot of work to our house get it ready to sell, was a recommendation from a realtor who also lived in the neighborhood. He was terrific!
When you find someone you are comfortable with, try to be flexible within bounds. Things don't always flow as smoothly as we would like.
Don't get mad unless you really have to. You and your contractor have a relationship for the duration of the work. Try to make it a good working one.
That's all I have. Good luck!

Thank you all :)

My therapist is always guiding my sessions back towards me (instead of it turning into a vent sesh) and sending me into my body which I love. She has me go back and try to objectively feel what it is I'm feeling and identify when I first felt that way. It's hard to explain but the insights doing this provides are wonderful. I know for sure I have a ways to go because I can actually feel that a part of me has never grown up and is stuck.