jen5508

I'm not sure what to do. We've been married for 18 years. Our kids are 15 and 12. I guess he would be classified as a Binge drinker. He can go a week without drinking, but once he gets a sip, he's in it until he passes out. I can't ever count on him to pick up the kids and take them to practice, etc. If he stops after work for a beer with the guys, they all will have 3 and go home, he can't do that. He blames his drinking on work, stress, blah blah blah... Then he will be fine for a few days and admits he has a problem and drink NA beers and then back to the drawing board. I thought about kicking him out for a month, but then I worry about him because 9 out of 10 times I go to the bar and get him or follow him home. He's had 2 DUI's already in the past 6 years. I would hate for something to happen to him if I kicked him out and how my kids would handle it...would they blame me? I've stuck in it this long, do I stick it out a few more years until the kids are older? We live in a small town and this will be humiliating for them. I know it's not all about them, but they are at that tough age right now. If they were 3 and 4, it would be a no brainer.

Thanks for listening....
Jen

SparkleKitty

Hm, I would try framing the question this way: "Is it time for my kids to have a model for how to deal with an unhealthy situation? To demonstrate that adults are responsible for the choices they make and the consequences that follow?"

I grew up in a home with an alcoholic mother and codependent, enabling father. I might have been humiliated and scared and angry if the familiar dynamic of the family had been disrupted when I was a teenager, but you know what? That's part of being a kid. Other people make choices that you have to live with, and how you feel about it is something you have to deal with. If I had known then what I know about what I was learning about relationships and love and family, I would have told my dad to get her out of our house as soon as possible, and to stop waiting for her to see a light that she had no earthly reason to see while he maintained the status quo.

Kids learn what healthy boundaries are by seeing their parents maintain them. Your husband doesn't sound like he's anywhere near admitting that he has a problem, but you sound like you see it clearly. Your choices are to wait for him to "get" it, or to start taking care of yourself and your kids no matter what he gets or doesn't get.

Sending you strength, patience and hugs, mama.

savingmein2017

jen5508
I am by no means a expert. I am in a situation similar to yours except for two things . We have No underage kids involved . And I do not go to rescue him from his places of pleasure. #vodka #gin etc.
I will say this people generally do things for two reasons > to seek pleasure or to avoid pain.
It is time for you and those babies to stop dealing with the pain he is causing while he is enjoying his choice of pleasure.
Many hugs to you ..... SR have sent many hugs my way and I grow stronger everyday ..... You will to.

dandylion

jen....I hope that you take advantage of what this forum has to offer....
first thing that I suggest is this: go to the "stickies"---that are just above the regular threads on the main page....
Study them...ESPECIALLY, the one called "Classic Reading"....there is a boot camp of information on alcoholism, there....
Most people don't know what they need to know...and, knowledge is power!

I think you may be projecting your fears onto the children more than you need to...
consider this---You ask.."will they blame me?"....I can tell you this...they will blame you for keeping them in an alcoholic home, once they reach young adult age....There is no worse question for your children to ask you, than, "Mamma, why did you make us stay...why didn't you leave?"
Trust me...the teen years are much worse to get through, living in a home that is controlled and organized around the alcoholism. It is affecting children in ways that you cannot see..but, will visit them in their own lives, later.
Kids have the ability to adjust if they have at least one caring parent who keeps them safe....Kids have demonstrated this for all time, in history...

In a small town...as in any town...there are homes with hidden alcoholism all around. Everybody knows somebody that is an alcoholic, or deeply affected by it....

I hope that you will hang around and share and learn.....

jen5508

It would be an easy decision if he did it on a daily basis. But, he doesn't...on the other days he's a great guy, hard worker and is there for the kids. It's a roller coaster...I love him when he's sober and hate him when he's drunk

Jen

Ladybird579

We live in a small town and this will be humiliating for them.

Your husband's behaviour is likely to be more humiliating for them or embarrass them. I also lived in a small town and we split up when my youngest were 15 after 20 years. Partly why I left is one of my 15 year olds was starting to treat me like his alcoholic dad did. He was learning how unhealthy relationships operate and copying. He was getting aggressive with me and shouting in my face. After we left and he came to live with me there was no more instances of him behaving that way. Children see everything and know what is going on even when we think they are protected from things. ( he's only drunk when they are asleep, we don't argue in front of the were my rationals ) What people think if you part is the least of your worries. It's about how you want to live your life and if this life as it is ( and will get worse) is acceptable to you? xx

Ladybird579

. I can't ever count on him to pick up the kids and take them to practice, etc.

and is there for the kids

That is not being there for the kids.

dandylion

Jen...there comes a time when the "good times" aren't enough!
I get the "roller coaster" analogy....BUt the good times/bad times story is more life a teeter-totter, in my opinion.
Alcoholism is progressive...and, without total abstainence (for life), it just gets worse and worse.
The good times are not "free". You pay for the good times by having to suffer the bad times. And, the good times, eventually, get less and less frequent, over time....

don't look for the decision to be "easy"...or you will be stuck for the rest of your life....
Adult, life decisions are almost never completely easy.....

NewRomanMan

As hard as it is, you know things can't go on as they are, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. The way I see it, your best chance for happiness is to send him packing and move on with your life. His alcoholism will not get better on its own. Your dumping him may be the bottom he needs to hit to change. If it is, you've helped him. If it isn't and he continues to drink, at least you'll have made a healthy change to allow you and your children to make a life of your own without the chaos and insanity that is life with an alcoholic. Your husband is obviously seriously impaired by his alcoholism. That's no way for a family to live, IMO.

Maudcat

Well, couple of things. As dandy stated, his drinking will likely get worse. There will be, very likely, increased consumption and increased incidents.
Though I well understand your fear re his driving while intoxicated, following him home or driving him is not the answer. You just make it easier for him to continue with his winning ways.
Also, old drunks are physically in rough shape. Alcohol consumption over a period of time compromises brain and organ function. How do you feel about caring for an aging binge drinker in your old age?
And, alcoholic households are, by their nature, dysfunctional. Kids learn that they can't count on their parent, and that is the worst! If you can't count on your parent when you are young, that just causes all kinds of sadness and emottional turmoil for children. This pops out at the strangest times.
My father was a drinker. Over a lonnnnnng period of time, I have come to see that i made some awful choices in my life with regard to men based on my relationship with my dad.
And may I say that while I have a few happy memories of my father, they are overshadowed by the bad ones. That is how memory works.
I grew up in a small town too, but really, I don't think it matters whether you live in a small towwn or a city. People will think what they think. Those who know your situation will say, "Good for you for taking back your life." Others, well, does it matter? Peace.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholism is a progressive disease and he will become a daily drinker. I would think of the children and the damage caused by having an active alcoholic in the family. How many more DUI's?

dandylion

Jen....alanon will give you the kind of support that you need. that is a starting point for a lot of the people on this forum, when they were I n your very same shoes.....

maia1234

Jen,
Welcome and great questions. All I can say is that he is a grown man and you treat him like a child. I feel you need to respect his wishes to drink. I saved this blurb years ago and use it all the time.


If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...

I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

darkling

IMO, if it's not time for him to go, you prob'ly wouldn't be asking if it is . . .

jen5508

I don't treat him like a child...he acts like one. Taking a drunk person home and/or taking their keys is not treating them like a child. It's called being responsible and saving lives. I work in the DUI Dept for my State and am active in MADD and more people need to do this to reduce drunk driving deaths. Innocent people are killed everyday for someone waiting on their spouse to hit "rock bottom"...that's pathetic!

SparkleKitty

Innocent people are killed everyday by the people who choose to drink and drive. Period.

LexieCat

How does following him home protect anyone? Unless you're planning to shadow him 24/7 you won't prevent him from driving drunk. If you KNOW he's driving drunk, you can report him to the police. Of course, then he may be arrested, and completely lose his license. Will you then drive him to work, so he won't lose his job?

Just because he acts like a child doesn't mean you have to treat him like one. (And you ARE treating him like one.) Managing an alcoholic's drinking and behavior never works. His drinking will progress, and the craziness of your responses will, too. Meantime, your kids are on the sidelines while you are concentrating all your energy on managing the "problem child." The only one who "wins" in this scenario is your husband, who is free to continue to drink the way he must.

I don't think anyone here would say you have to leave today, or next week, or next month. But what you are doing right now is not sustainable--not without serious damage to you and to your kids. I'd suggest learning all you can about alcoholism and also to start attending Al-Anon so you can see your part in everything that's going on. You can't control him or his drinking, but you CAN control your own actions and attitudes and make a better life for the rest of you.

hopeful4

Just sending support. I know it's so hard. I remember the NA beers, they never last though do they.

I have two kids, age 17 and 11. My thought process for you, weather you stay or go, is to never let those kids ride with him. It's a pain in the neck. It will make him mad. However, it may save their lives.

Eventually you will be tired of being his mother. This is not what you signed up for.

Hugs to you.

NewRomanMan

Nope. Call the cops and let him get another DUI when you know he's had too much. Let him hit bottom. The only thing you're teaching him is that he can drink without consequences. He can go to the bar, get drunk as heck, and know that he's going to get home safe because you're there to make sure he does. That's called enabling. My family did the same thing for me and the only thing it did was prolong my ability to drink myself stupid as often as I wanted. Please don't take offense to what I'm trying to say. It's not my intention to belittle what you do in your effort to keep other drivers safe on the road and prevent drunk driving deaths..but at some point an alcoholic has to face the consequences of his actions or things just don't change.

Eauchiche

" I would hate for something to happen to him...."

Yes, this is always there for us family members.

My ex and I are meeting this Sunday to work out the details of a divorce. A year ago, this was unthinkable to me, especially my fears that he would get some illness and not be on my health insurance any more.

My ex is the one asking to file now. God was good to me in the way this is playing out. I couldn't imagine initiating this process.

I wish you all the best!